MCESaint

And, ya know, not for nothing, but on the one hand it's great to suggest I go to Alanon meetings etc.

But, at the same time, I'm getting slagged on for leaving my 3 y.o. with my AW.

What, pray tell, am I supposed to do with my 3 y.o. if/when I go to an actual face-to-face meeting.

That's one of the BIG reasons I come here. I can participate in this forum without leaving the house.

MCE Saint

MCESaint

Um. that could happen even if she wasn't intoxicated. Indeed, statistically speaking it's more likely to happen that way. Most people involved in accidents - of all types - aren't intoxicated.

It's great that "YOU" are sure there are options for my child's benefits.

But it's interesting that you can't NAME a single one of 'em.

Meanwhile, I've, ya know, actually checked.

MCE Saint

MCESaint

Stats on alcohol useage and vehicle accidents:

https://www.alcoholproblemsandsoluti...101913925.html

MCE Saint

PuzzledHeart

Some, unfortunately not all, Al-Anon meetings have babysitting. If you've already looked into this and haven't been fortunate to find a meeting with child care that's convenient for you, I apologize in advance.

Nata1980

MCE - I am sorry you feel a need to defend yourself.

Many of us had exact same fears - your story is not unique at all. Leaving an addict I loved is the hardest thing I have done, it is not the walk in the park.

You have your own income. Insurance thing can be figured out - and expenses can be reduced. You are leaving with a person that physically abuses you, endangers kids, and is a financial liability waiting to happen. You have grandparents living nearby - one of them is sober right? They could come over and assist with childcare while you are at the al-anon meeting. I don't go to meetings for that very reason - and I don't have family around - so I understand.

I agree with the posters above there are always options. They are all requiring changes, downsizing, tightening up budgets, moving, and various levels of heartbreak. Continuing as is is not an option.

You don't have to move out of your house, she does. Call the police next time she assaults you. Call the police when she drives drunk. She could kill someone on the road.

This is America for Pete's sake, as long as you are sober and mentally intact yourself, your kids won't starve. There is enough food, kind people and material goods around. Community is more helpful than you think. Being married to an addict is extremely isolating. Trust me - my fear kept me going back to the addict and hoping for the best, but at the end I broke free and ended up much better.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. If there is a will there is a way. Your 17 year old is strong and brave, and deserves better than living with alchy grandpa. Your 3 year old has no choice, you do. Please get your children out of this crazy environment.

Clover71

Just my opinion, but we are all different people with different circumstances, beliefs, etc. I believe that many stories and lives and experiences might be similar, but I also believe that they are "unique,". If they were not, there would most likely be one magic solution for all, and obviously there is not

Clover71

Bummer. I was actually suggesting it as a means for your wife to pick up your 3yr old when needed. Do you have family in the area? Without looking back, I don't recall you mentioning

maia1234

Mc,
I am truly sorry for the pain you are in with your aw. I understand that you posted to vent.

Just seeing the way you talk, you are so angry, mad at the world. I know you don't feel that you have choices in life, but you do, we all do. Have you ever thought how your life could be so much better divorcing your wife? I am sure if we asked a question of every spouse who went through a horrific divorce with an addict, is your life better and was it worth the excruciating pain. I bet nearly 99% would say it was. When you live with an addict, life never gets better, only progressively worse. If you divorced, eventually it does get a little better. It part of the hitting rock bottom and going up. With an addict, we only live at rock bottom.

I know you have come accustomed to aw driving intoxicated with your children in the car. You stated that dd17 told you and you and that was one of the reason she left.. I am shocked that the day care workers don't call the cops on her if they smell alcohol on her breath. You could imagine what that attorney bill and insurance bill would cost if she got a dui. It will get worse. I to would seek an attorney, (my first visit was free. ) Educate yourself about your rights. I think you might be surprised with what options are out there for you. I would document everything regarding her drinking, this will help your case if you did eventually go to court. You also have dd17 to validate what you had said, and that she feared for her and her brothers safety.

I wish you peace and serenity and I am truly sorry.

DesertEyes

I don't know how it works in your part of the world ( St. Louis? per your info on the left bar ). Where I have been people take their kids with them to the meeting. In some of the larger cities there are actually separate programs for teens (Ala-teen) and younger ( Ala-tot ).

Those meetings are not listed because they only happen when somebody shows up with a child. Some times a meeting will not have all the literature for Ala-teen or Ala-tot so they just simply pick a few of the more experienced members and have a separate meeting just for you and your child.

You can just show up and ask them to do that. The only time they might refuse is when the meeting is a "Women's only " meeting.

I know you've done the research so I am adding this for the lurkers. When looking for one of these "splitable" meetings you need to call ahead and make sure it's not a women's only. If you download the actual meeting directory from the local office it should have a phone number for a contact person for that particular meeting. The volunteers at the local Al-Anon information line do not always know which meeting is women only, so make sure you get the phone number for a contact person for that particular meeting.

Mike
Moderator, SR

CentralOhioDad

To use your "stats" in the other way, since you seem hellbent on defending your alcoholic caregiver, here is a quote right from your own link:

The most reliable information about alcohol involvement comes from fatal crashes. In 2002, 32 percent of fatally injured drivers had BACs of at least 0.08 percent. Although alcohol may not have been a causal factor in all of the crashes, this statistic is frequently used to measure the change over time in alcohol involvement in fatal crashes.

In 2002, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) estimated that 35 percent of all traffic deaths occurred in crashes in which at least one driver or nonoccupant had a BAC of 0.08 percent or more and that any alcohol was present in 41 percent of all fatal crashes in 2002.

So, what you're saying is that 35% of the people on the roads at any one time are drunk?? ONE-THIRD of all cars on the road at any one time have a legally drunk driver???? I highly doubt that. You're a classic victim of abuse, defending the abuser to the death - who will die first is still in question.

They have Al-Anon meetings during the day when your child is at daycare - you can go then. But, you'll find an excuse to shoot down that idea as well.

I've had my say on this thread, I'm beyond triggered, and I think this is the first post that ever got me to this point.

Mr. MCE - all I can say is you have a VERY intelligent DD17, she knows right from wrong.

COD

hearthealth

Early in our marriage H drove drunk. I didn't realize he had that much. I was never so_ scared_. I spoke up and he never drove drunk with me again. A few monthes later he got a DUI and he stayed home and drank...for the most part.

I had a voice. Your three old does not have that choice.

hopeful4

I understand what you are saying. It may be possible for your teenage daughter to use their services however. I know of a teen girl right now who is using this type of service b/c of emotional abuse from her mother. It is worth checking out for your daughter.

I will also mention that I did not attend Alanon, but attended Celebrate Recovery. Many of them offer free childcare, and I know ours is quality childcare, not just anyone. They have had to be educated and it's very well monitored, and again, it's free. No pressure, just throwing it out there in case you would be interested in that type of face to face support. It helped me immensely.

Also, I am curious as to what part of St. Louis you are in that does not have UBER? I am quite familiar with St. Louis is why I ask. I agree, it would be better for your wife to take the UBER to the daycare than for her to drive there herself, and since you said it's not far, the cost would not be much. Just a thought.

Clover71

Here is the St Louis area list

http://www.missouri-al-anon.org/uploads/5/8/7/9/58793913/areastlouis.pdf

atalose

It seems that financial is one of the big issues that keeps you tied tightly to the sinking anchor of the alcoholic. You say today she is a functioning alcoholic still working and providing the family with the health insurance, but we all know how quickly functioning can turn to non-functioning which then turns to loss of income and benefits.

I personally feel that getting ahead of the possible financial pit falls by working towards a solution today is always better then scurrying about frantic when the worst-case scenario hits.

Selling a home, downsizing, putting any equity away to pay for health insurance and health issues should that need arise. Talking with an attorney to see what finances you might be able to protect for yourself and your children in a divorce. Selling a business and working for someone else who can provide benefits. When we choose to stay with an active alcoholic who is not interested in seeking help and we have tied our financial future around them, we need to take our own responsibility for our own chooses and then make some rather uncomfortable ones.

I think if al-anon is not doable for you then how about counseling for you and your daughter, I’m sure the counselor would understand your need to bring a 3 year old along.

BAW81

I've tried really hard not to comment too much on this thread but if your AW if kicking in doors when she's with you, where is your 3 year old?

I'm extremely concerned for this child because all I hear are excuses from you and anger. It makes me think you know what you should do but you're simply unwilling to take action. It's the guilt that is creating all of this frustration.

Everyone wakes up with a choice unless you're handcuffed to the wall or too young or physically unable to leave. I will pray for you that you'll look to god to give you the strength to find a way to not just save your 3 year old but yourself. You're choosing to close your eyes and look away. You are CHOOSING to stay.

peaceofpi

I'm sorry that you're missing your daughter, and I'm sorry for the situation with your 3YO and AW.
Leaving an alcoholic spouse can be a difficult decision when you have kids. Many people wrongly assume courts protect kids. The truth is the child faces a huge risk: Courts routinely award both parents - even alcoholic, incapacitated, abusive ones - parenting time. Often with no boundaries of safety. It's my experience that it's difficult to get supervised visitation to protect a child. Best I've been able to get, even with multiple issues, is Soberlink testing with (finally, after a year of court order violations) supervision if XAH fails during possession.
Even with Soberlink, it's possible for alcoholics to get around the testing by blowing and then drinking some, and addicts can find substitutes for alcohol, like opiates, so .. yay. It's terrifying to be forced to leave your child with a person who's incapacitated, perhaps enraged from not getting to drink, abusive, with few boundaries, and with no buffer of another parent present to protect them during overnight and multi-day stays. There truly aren't good options in our present legal environment. Staying or leaving - it's no-win either way.
I hear your frustration, and I pray you can figure out a way to protect your young child. I also hear the concern from the other posters. I do want the other posters to know there are many factors in leaving, and it's a false assumption that family courts protect children from abusive alcoholics.

BAW81

While it is a lot of work to protect your child(ren) from an alcoholic parent during divorce, it is possible because I am doing it right now.

If someone wants to hear what I've done and what I've learned, please PM me. I am concerned about sharing anything too specific to my case on this open forum but PLEASE do not hesitate to send me a PM.

You CAN protect your child by leaving!!!! You ARE protecting them by leaving, you're teaching them what is right and wrong by example.

You just need to be smart about it, prepared, willing to FIGHT HARD, and have the right lawyer.

People have a misconception that they have more control by staying but the law also views non-addicted parents who subject their children to continued abuse ( not just physical )to be at fault as well...