Hello
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Hello
I have some catching up to do here, I've been nose deep in hatching "the plan- take 3" lol...found a forum better suited for my current issues with H. - (more of the abuse type topics since H is "sober" now- )I started to feel guilty when I was posting because it's not relatable to most others here, and I felt whiney and repetitive. I've lost weight unintentionally from stress I suppose. I'm trying to self care and eat extra each day so I can get through this.
Once again I have keys in hand for our own place, a restart. Some support and help from trusted friends. My counselor on speed dial.
I have a date picked. Place to stay with kids for a few.
I am wavering between a full safety plan and a more casual legal service hybrid plan. I suckered up the courage and went to a D.V. Shelter/Legal/Resources center and spoke to an advocate- they really push the "this is a personal choice " answer- but didn't discourage me from taking the aggressive route, they didn't encourage it either. So I still have that to mull over in the next few days as I make some decisions. Living with this man for so long has my judgment and decision making skills shot.
Any input on that is appreciated
Dandy, I am working on "the list" to help remind myself what I've been through. I'm entering a self doubt slump I can feel it (thanks hormones haha) so I will need that reminder.
I hate feeling like the bad guy but I'm looking 6 month out and ahead and it will all be worth it.
Once again I have keys in hand for our own place, a restart. Some support and help from trusted friends. My counselor on speed dial.
I have a date picked. Place to stay with kids for a few.
I am wavering between a full safety plan and a more casual legal service hybrid plan. I suckered up the courage and went to a D.V. Shelter/Legal/Resources center and spoke to an advocate- they really push the "this is a personal choice " answer- but didn't discourage me from taking the aggressive route, they didn't encourage it either. So I still have that to mull over in the next few days as I make some decisions. Living with this man for so long has my judgment and decision making skills shot.
Any input on that is appreciated
Dandy, I am working on "the list" to help remind myself what I've been through. I'm entering a self doubt slump I can feel it (thanks hormones haha) so I will need that reminder.
I hate feeling like the bad guy but I'm looking 6 month out and ahead and it will all be worth it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
You’re not the bad guy. You’re leading your children to a place of safety...physically, mentally, and emotionally.
That makes you the hero.
Sending you a hug.
That makes you the hero.
Sending you a hug.
This will be life-changing for your kid's future
Wish I'd grown up in a safe, sober household. . .
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Living with this man for so long has my judgment and decision making skills shot.
Any input on that is appreciated
Pray. Ask for eyes to see and ears to hear. Ask for strength to embrace the Illogical.
Alcoholism and addiction are completely illogical. So is recovery, including ours.
Life itself is illogical. Asking for strength to embrace the Illogical also includes asking for strength to embrace the magic of life.
Pray throughout the day. If confused or in doubt, stop and pray. If things are going well, stop and pray.
Listen to your deep inner knowing.
Everything is going to be okay. (((Hugs)))
Any input on that is appreciated
Pray. Ask for eyes to see and ears to hear. Ask for strength to embrace the Illogical.
Alcoholism and addiction are completely illogical. So is recovery, including ours.
Life itself is illogical. Asking for strength to embrace the Illogical also includes asking for strength to embrace the magic of life.
Pray throughout the day. If confused or in doubt, stop and pray. If things are going well, stop and pray.
Listen to your deep inner knowing.
Everything is going to be okay. (((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Yesterday I covertly moved my new couch into the new house. I had a casual friend volunteer to pick it up from the goodwill and drive it (an hour out of the way) to my place, where I snuck over to help unlock and unload and move it in. I felt like James Bond lol. I'm currently having an out of body experience feeling as my date is quickly approaching. No he does not know. I keep wrestling with my thoughts between- wtf is this real/necessary to - I cannot allow my children to grow up this way, excited for the future.
It's unreal. I've been in this same spot before but it seemed easier last time. I really do appreciate the cheerleading from my SR "family "
As a side note: the kindness I have experienced from my friend I just can't process. He is a man, so I am just amazed that he would offer to help and do it and be encouraging to me! He's a good friend of my best friend so he doesn't "owe" me in anyway to be nice....In stark contrast- my H never even lifted a finger when I moved back home last time I left- he told me if I wanted to move back to go ahead and do so, but he wouldn't be helping me as it wasn't his choice to begin with .
Dont be afraid to ask/seek/accept help. Even if you're not "that type"
It's unreal. I've been in this same spot before but it seemed easier last time. I really do appreciate the cheerleading from my SR "family "
As a side note: the kindness I have experienced from my friend I just can't process. He is a man, so I am just amazed that he would offer to help and do it and be encouraging to me! He's a good friend of my best friend so he doesn't "owe" me in anyway to be nice....In stark contrast- my H never even lifted a finger when I moved back home last time I left- he told me if I wanted to move back to go ahead and do so, but he wouldn't be helping me as it wasn't his choice to begin with .
Dont be afraid to ask/seek/accept help. Even if you're not "that type"
Last edited by thousandwords53; 11-04-2017 at 12:36 PM. Reason: Added words
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Also:
I had a snafu/miscommunication where I was short quite a bit on my security deposit. The property management agent was familiar with me, positive of living in a small community- so she agreed to let it go if I could pay towards it when I can, which I will honor as I am able. It could have been a disaster but she understood my need for a home...not the ugly details but she could sense my determination. "God is watching out for you" she told me. ..KeepingtheFaith it made me think of you. I was not brought up in a religious home and praying is a skill I am unfamiliar with but I do try.
I had a snafu/miscommunication where I was short quite a bit on my security deposit. The property management agent was familiar with me, positive of living in a small community- so she agreed to let it go if I could pay towards it when I can, which I will honor as I am able. It could have been a disaster but she understood my need for a home...not the ugly details but she could sense my determination. "God is watching out for you" she told me. ..KeepingtheFaith it made me think of you. I was not brought up in a religious home and praying is a skill I am unfamiliar with but I do try.
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thousandwords...each of these baby steps brings you one step closer to your goal. Congratulate yourself on each one! I really do think that this is a situation where your dread is worse than the actual event is going to be. Fear of the fear....
The self talk is good, I think....Every time you feel weak in the knees...repeating to yourself the reasons that you are doing what you have to do. **Or consult your written list of the same*, You may have to do it over and over....but, that is o.k.
LOL...all men are not the same. The world is full of kind, compassionate and generous people. Would you not do the same? I know that I have helped lots of people who didn't "owe" me anything. On the other hand, I have had people help me when I couldn't even repay them, at the time. Many times, all I could/can do is to pay it forward. This is the healthy way that people co0exist with each other.....none of us is an island.
I think you have lived under the dark cloud of his warped value system for so long, that it has started to effect how you view the rest of the world...and, worst of all....effect your own value system....
Look at this---you even puzzle over the actions of a good samaratin.....
I do get it, because my first husband was a narcissistic type, and I honestly cannot remember one single altruistic thing that man has ever done!!
I do believe that there are more good men (and women) than bad.....
The self talk is good, I think....Every time you feel weak in the knees...repeating to yourself the reasons that you are doing what you have to do. **Or consult your written list of the same*, You may have to do it over and over....but, that is o.k.
LOL...all men are not the same. The world is full of kind, compassionate and generous people. Would you not do the same? I know that I have helped lots of people who didn't "owe" me anything. On the other hand, I have had people help me when I couldn't even repay them, at the time. Many times, all I could/can do is to pay it forward. This is the healthy way that people co0exist with each other.....none of us is an island.
I think you have lived under the dark cloud of his warped value system for so long, that it has started to effect how you view the rest of the world...and, worst of all....effect your own value system....
Look at this---you even puzzle over the actions of a good samaratin.....
I do get it, because my first husband was a narcissistic type, and I honestly cannot remember one single altruistic thing that man has ever done!!
I do believe that there are more good men (and women) than bad.....
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Just chiming in about the "not all men are the same" comment...
Part of my baggage stems from even before I met my A. For some reason, I had the internal belief that men are not capable of real love or feeling. I'm really not sure where that came from. Part of my recovery involves/will involve unlearning that. I make a point to notice good, kind men and retrain my thoughts around the issue. It's VERY hard because that belief is apparently very ingrained. Doesn't help that I picked an A husband who truly is NOT capable of real love or feelings.
I'm rooting for you, TW! You can do it!!!
Part of my baggage stems from even before I met my A. For some reason, I had the internal belief that men are not capable of real love or feeling. I'm really not sure where that came from. Part of my recovery involves/will involve unlearning that. I make a point to notice good, kind men and retrain my thoughts around the issue. It's VERY hard because that belief is apparently very ingrained. Doesn't help that I picked an A husband who truly is NOT capable of real love or feelings.
I'm rooting for you, TW! You can do it!!!
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Thank you all!
My warped world started almost 20 years ago...same man in the end of this story and I'm not even 35yet! Argh I'll have some fun untangling to do of my thoughts as I continue my path. Good friends and company will surely help me. ...without the oppressive nature of my H preventing outside friends...hmmm you'd think he planned it this way lol.
My warped world started almost 20 years ago...same man in the end of this story and I'm not even 35yet! Argh I'll have some fun untangling to do of my thoughts as I continue my path. Good friends and company will surely help me. ...without the oppressive nature of my H preventing outside friends...hmmm you'd think he planned it this way lol.
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thousandwords......I doubt that he sat down and made this plan when you all were in your teens...(I am assuming that your two are about the same age...?).....
LOL...teens don't think that far into the future.....brains are still very immature...development wise.
If I were to guess, I think that it is more of an outgrowth of his own personality development....as a part of him and how he relates to the world around him....and, he certainly does seem to have a big controlling streak down the center.....
LOL...teens don't think that far into the future.....brains are still very immature...development wise.
If I were to guess, I think that it is more of an outgrowth of his own personality development....as a part of him and how he relates to the world around him....and, he certainly does seem to have a big controlling streak down the center.....
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Lol Dandy!
I know that and am not blaming the 16 year old him or me for that matter...but I can see how he never did grow out of certain qualities and I can now look back and see how certain tendencies grew as we did...including my part in our dynamic.
But I can see currently the issues and how they came to be. Or where they came from etc.
I know that and am not blaming the 16 year old him or me for that matter...but I can see how he never did grow out of certain qualities and I can now look back and see how certain tendencies grew as we did...including my part in our dynamic.
But I can see currently the issues and how they came to be. Or where they came from etc.
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53
I started to feel guilty when I was posting because it's not relatable to most others here, and I felt whiney and repetitive.
As Dandylion said, you should congratulate yourself. I also think that your posts are an inspiration to people who are in your situation, which includes many here.
Just sharing your story shows such strength.
I wish you well!
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