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Quaking and Im so so tired

Old 03-08-2016, 06:46 PM
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Quaking and Im so so tired

Told xAH I will NOT speak to him on the phone... Not tonight, not at all ever. Despite that he called 6x repeatedly tonight. I did not answer.

I texted to say "do not contact me again via text, email or phone".

The police have told me that stating it matter of factly once and having him ignore that two or more times is sufficient reason to notify them and it "could" be considered harassment under the stalking/harassment statute-- I did some asking of questions recently after his and the former friends non stop contact.

In any event, this is what I got in response.

"WTBH, I've been civil and productive w u on the phone 4ever, and I really want for us to get together and figure out events like birthdays. Y are u so unccoperative. I just want u to set aside some time that works 4 me this weekend so I can wish DD a happy birthday. Come one WTBH who are you looking to hurt here!?!? Me? Haven't you hurt me enough? U say u wull destroy me and u r crazy enuf to do it"


Reality check: for 5 weeks I emailed him once a week asking his input on DD's bday party time w her friends to avoid this very drama.

He never replied.

I also told him that ANY time outside of her time w friends, was his for the taking and I wanted NO conflict around DD's bday so he needed to just tell me when he wants to see her.

Tomorrow I suppose I will send him the emails to remind him of reality.

Tonight though his insanity is just a frustrating annoyance and I needed to vent!

Thanks for listening!
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Old 03-08-2016, 06:49 PM
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Im not wearing my glasses and just noticed I did not spell quack the right way-- I was looking at the post and wondered why it looked funny! Oops! That was supposed to be QUACK-ING like the old thread about infamous quacks from these gems of ours....
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Old 03-08-2016, 07:05 PM
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I wouldn't send him the old emails. You've got them if you ever need to prove anything to anyone who matters.

Just follow the orders as required and keep documenting the unwanted communications.

Oh, and I'm glad it was quacking--I thought YOU were QUAKING, which doesn't sound too good...
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Old 03-08-2016, 07:07 PM
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Nope not quaking at all-- just rolling my eyes at his insanity. And good call on not resending... Obviously I want him to see our DD for her bday-- but HE does not want to-- he clearly is playing a game!
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Old 03-08-2016, 07:14 PM
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Let me out this through my trusty narc abusuve ex alcoholic decoder:

"WTBH-I know I've been an ******* but can't you cut me some slack? Just because you emailed me for weeks does not mean I need to acknowledge those emails, I'd rather try to paint you as the bad person when I truly am mentally I'll and all the evidence shows that. You better not be keeping track of all of this! You are uncooperative-I really liked it better when we were married and I had you under my control. I love writing nice words that make me look like I care about my kids but you know I don't. I don't care of anyone but myself but hopefully someone may buy my ********! Why don't you buy my ******** words anymore?!? You suck. And truly, I am an evil person that would not think twice about hurting you-but I'm going to do what I do best and project my flaws and evil into you. Goodnight! P.S. I luvvv playing the victim. Why don't you play my stupid games anymore?!"

Checkmate.

Love you, friend
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Old 03-09-2016, 02:44 AM
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I am sorry he is still such a .... well, since this forum is pg-13....

Anyway, perhaps look at each communication like this from him as a gift. A written documentation of his bat-crazy, harassing ways that you can 'bank' and use in the future as needed. Little pearls of information, so to speak.

I can only begin to imagine how aggravating it is sometimes, though! Hang in there.
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Old 03-09-2016, 04:31 AM
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The more you communicate, the worse it gets. He baits you. He has never, or seldom, not turned the easiest of situations into complex, mathematical algorithm. Its only for the sake of f'ing with your head.

Refer to your divorce decree, what does it direct you to do as far as visitation, and does it address Birthdays? Follow it to the letter. In the future send ONE email. ONE, not 5. Change your settings in email to notify you if the email has been read.

I also told him that ANY time outside of her time w friends, was his for the taking and I wanted NO conflict around DD's bday When has this man ever done what you asked? When has he ever taken into consideration his children, and what's best for them, as opposed to an opportunity to screw with you, and drag out what could be solved in one sentence? Stop telling him what to do WTBH, I really believe it fuels his fire.

I texted to say "do not contact me again via text, email or phone". Refer to your divorce decree what does it say regarding communication? You have just told him he can have zero communication with you. That's not going to work, he has visitation. No point in saying something that you can't do with out repercussions. You can; however, choose the method I suppose in which you want to communicate unless the decree says otherwise.

]"WTBH, I've been civil and productive w u on the phone 4ever, and I really want for us to get together and figure out events like birthdays. Y are u so unccoperative. I just want u to set aside some time that works 4 me this weekend so I can wish DD a happy birthday. Come one WTBH who are you looking to hurt here!?!? Me? Haven't you hurt me enough? U say u wull destroy me and u r crazy enuf to do it"

There is no reason to "get together" what a load. You'd think you all were trying to decide a major event in her life (though I do understand her birthday is a major event , there's no need to "get together" - ding, ding, ding ding quack. "I just want u to set aside some time that works 4 me this weekend so I can wish DD a happy birthday". Fine enough email today - "Per your request please let me know the times that work for you, her party is at X time and she will be unavailable then. if you do not give me a time I will set aside X time on Saturday. The end.

Leave it at that. Don't send him the 5 emails, don't tell him how upset DD will be if he no shows. Don't mention his 6 phone calls. He looks for any crack he can find to continue the conversation. He gets a thrill when you are irritated.

During his last meltdown I believe someone suggested you cut and paste the portion of the divorce decree in all emails pertinent to whatever was going on. I'm going to suggest that again going forward. I'd also suggest you no longer send him more than one email about a subject ever.

Its no fun to play a game by yourself.
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Old 03-09-2016, 06:34 AM
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Refer to your divorce decree, what does it direct you to do as far as visitation, and does it address Birthdays? Follow it to the letter. In the future send ONE email. ONE, not 5. Change your settings in email to notify you if the email has been read.
He's supposed to be here Fri evening into Sat to see the kids. That is what the decree says. But he rarely shows. Instead, he bails, then texts me Sat am to demand and harass that I meet him when he does choose to show up. And I have historically done that bc I want the kids to see him if they want to and I am afraid of being told that I am keeping them from him (even though he is skipping his time technically by failing to show the night before)

He is to let me know by 5 pm Wed if he will not be showing up for his scheduled parenting time.

His nonsense about her bday and his texting and emailing and calling indicates to me he has NO plan to come Fri evening and wants me to then jump through hoops to drop the kids with him sometime Sat when he does choose to show up.

I am terrified he will show up and make a scene with her friends around at her party-- he's done that each of the last 2 bdays for each of my kids... He can't STAND to have a day that is focussed on someone other than him and he causes chaos for the kids bc of it. I am scared.

His parenting time starts on Fri evening and goes through Sat morning. In one of his ranting emails last night he says it's hard for him to make it Fri, and wants me instead to sit around waiting for him to text me Sat to let me know when he'll be around and for me to drop her at a time that suits him on Sat am. As I have made plans to get stuff done out of town Sat morning for her late day party Sat and won't actually be available to meet him whenever he chooses to show up that day, I have said that I can not do that. I have directed him to the decree and asked that he let me know by 5 pm tonight if he plans to show for his scheduled parenting time. So my guess is that he is enraged that he is not being accommodated as his entitled mind believes he should be.

As of this morning I have decided that for DD's sake and right to a peaceful day, that if he is not here at 5 pm Fri, that is the end of the discussion about this for me. Perhaps I will offer he can take her for some time Sunday but I will NOT make her bday on Sat about accommodating the schedule of a grown man who can't or won't be bothered to show up per the decree.

The person whose feelings matter on DD's bday are hers. Not his.

Thoughts?

I texted to say "do not contact me again via text, email or phone". Refer to your divorce decree what does it say regarding communication? You have just told him he can have zero communication with you. That's not going to work, he has visitation.
I told him that regarding last night only. My mistake for not being clear about that here-- He can contact me in writing, per the decree, re; his visitation and whether he plans to come or not. And there are set times for him to do that by. He does not follow those terms though. And then 11th hour he starts to harass me and tell me he wants to see the kids and expects (bc I do it) that I will change plans to accommodate his last minute demands.

I am sorry I was not clear. I did not say no contact ever again-- just told him to stop drunkenly texting and emailing and calling repeatedly last night. And the fact that he continued is harassment I believe.
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Old 03-09-2016, 06:55 AM
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I have nothing to offer except sympathy, but I would not tell him anything about her party, let alone when it is, because that's a perfect opportunity for him to show up and make a scene because you won't want to wreck her party.
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Old 03-09-2016, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
He's supposed to be here Fri evening into Sat to see the kids. That is what the decree says. But he rarely shows. Instead, he bails, then texts me Sat am to demand and harass that I meet him when he does choose to show up. And I have historically done that bc I want the kids to see him if they want to and I am afraid of being told that I am keeping them from him (even though he is skipping his time technically by failing to show the night before)

He is to let me know by 5 pm Wed if he will not be showing up for his scheduled parenting time.

His nonsense about her bday and his texting and emailing and calling indicates to me he has NO plan to come Fri evening and wants me to then jump through hoops to drop the kids with him sometime Sat when he does choose to show up.

I am terrified he will show up and make a scene with her friends around at her party-- he's done that each of the last 2 bdays for each of my kids... He can't STAND to have a day that is focussed on someone other than him and he causes chaos for the kids bc of it. I am scared.

His parenting time starts on Fri evening and goes through Sat morning. In one of his ranting emails last night he says it's hard for him to make it Fri, and wants me instead to sit around waiting for him to text me Sat to let me know when he'll be around and for me to drop her at a time that suits him on Sat am. As I have made plans to get stuff done out of town Sat morning for her late day party Sat and won't actually be available to meet him whenever he chooses to show up that day, I have said that I can not do that. I have directed him to the decree and asked that he let me know by 5 pm tonight if he plans to show for his scheduled parenting time. So my guess is that he is enraged that he is not being accommodated as his entitled mind believes he should be.

As of this morning I have decided that for DD's sake and right to a peaceful day, that if he is not here at 5 pm Fri, that is the end of the discussion about this for me. Perhaps I will offer he can take her for some time Sunday but I will NOT make her bday on Sat about accommodating the schedule of a grown man who can't or won't be bothered to show up per the decree.

The person whose feelings matter on DD's bday are hers. Not his.

Thoughts?



I told him that regarding last night only. My mistake for not being clear about that here-- He can contact me in writing, per the decree, re; his visitation and whether he plans to come or not. And there are set times for him to do that by. He does not follow those terms though. And then 11th hour he starts to harass me and tell me he wants to see the kids and expects (bc I do it) that I will change plans to accommodate his last minute demands.

I am sorry I was not clear. I did not say no contact ever again-- just told him to stop drunkenly texting and emailing and calling repeatedly last night. And the fact that he continued is harassment I believe.

Did you marry and have kids with my xAH? Seriously, they sound the same.
I am going to tell u what I did and honestly as hard as it was its the only way to handle people who act like that in my opinion. For the longest time my x did the same stuff, he has never once followed any of our orders and always demands, demands, demands. I let him slide on a lot of stuff for a long time because a. i didnt want to make his drinking problem worse and somehow believed that i could have some control and b. because my daughter loves her dad and i didnt want to punish her for his mistakes. Unfortunately i have found that all this taught him is that he could get away with not listening, not following the order, and walking all over me. If i withheld visitation because he had just gotten arrested again and i was concerned for her safety, he harassed me calling me 60+ times a day, etc etc. I finally put my foot down and got a protective order. I stopped giving him ANY leeway on the order. If he didnt follow it then he didnt see her. There was a ton of pushback at first, and yes i do feel bad for my daughter but if i dont put my foot down im going to get walked all over forever. I cant control him, his drinking, his choices etc but i can control how i react.
You enforcing the decree is 100% the right thing to do. I understand you havent wanted to look like you are keeping her from him, but if hes going to act this way what choice do you have? You want to foster a healthy and safe relationship between DD and dad, not this.
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Old 03-09-2016, 07:42 AM
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^ Yeppers.
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Old 03-09-2016, 08:36 AM
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I'm sure you don't want the expense of it, though perhaps there wouldn't be a charge, but why not call your attorney and get guidance on how to handle this insane situation?

Could it be that if he fails to show on Friday that he forfeit's Saturday as well? Seems to me there is a "reasonable" clause within all divorce implied or explicit. Is it reasonable that you go about your day Saturday without plans or having to adjust them constantly because A-hole picks up the phone and decides "Now"? I don't think so.

I agree with Bluebird that you have got to put your foot down on this. Inch equals many miles with this guy. Find out your legal rights, and if it means he forfeits visitation then so be it. Your children will be ok with a couple of times it won't cause them any issues long term to not see him a schedule weekend or two. No, I would absolute not accommodate him to see her on Sunday. NOPE. This is the problem my friend, he preys on you and the feelings of your children. You do what's "right" in your mind for your kids, but its all wrong as far as what you get back out of it. I'd adhere to Fri and Sat as is in the decree. Until he shows that he can act like an adult and be amenable both ways in scheduling and accommodation I wouldn't budge one minute.

And if it were me ....I'd be changing the location of the party. If he has done it for two years you might as well write out a place card with his name. Maybe a friend would be willing to host, or move it to a kids place or even a park. Anywhere but where he can find you.
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Old 03-09-2016, 08:51 AM
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Can you just leave him out of the arty plans because he continually ruins his childrens birthdays?

I understand that it is about the kids, and their big day, but if dad turns it into a $h!tshow, wouldn't it be better if he wasn't there? My brother and his ex couldn't get along for a long time - to the detriment of the kids. They both had 2 birthdays, and 2 christmases every year. Not ideal - but saved a whole lot of drama and mess.
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Old 03-09-2016, 08:52 AM
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WTBH......just want to tell you how I handled the birthday thing (as well as other special days)......
I did not include their father (my ex husband).....(he was a difficult narcissist).
I had the parties, etc.....and, the kids were very happy on those occasions.
If their father did special things for them on their visits to him...I am sure that they enjoyed it, there, also.
They did not seem to be "racked
by the idea that both parents were not in the same room---Norman Rockwell style...lol....
I think that is a fantasy dream that resides in the mind of the parent.....

Oh, sure...there are some people who are able to co-parent, together, beautifully....and have respectful, co-operative interactions with each other....
Those are normal, Healthy people.....
Your ex does not seem to fall into that category....and, may never be so....

Sometimes, you just have to accept the reality of the situation...and make the best of it......

dandylion
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Old 03-09-2016, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I'm sure you don't want the expense of it, though perhaps there wouldn't be a charge, but why not call your attorney and get guidance on how to handle this insane situation?
Just did-- she told me that without a crystal clear clause about what happens if he does not show, a court would assume I would be cooperative and act in the "best interest of the kids". But this is a pattern of manipulation and she told me that unless he contacts me in advance (ie: by today) each week and makes reasonable alternate plans, I don't need to be jerked around.... But it's a little gray... He is an abuser and control freak and this is NOT about the kids. This is about controlling me and them and it is abusive.

Could it be that if he fails to show on Friday that he forfeit's Saturday as well? Seems to me there is a "reasonable" clause within all divorce implied or explicit. Is it reasonable that you go about your day Saturday without plans or having to adjust them constantly because A-hole picks up the phone and decides "Now"? I don't think so.
I agree-- it is INSANITY.

I agree with Bluebird that you have got to put your foot down on this. Inch equals many miles with this guy. Find out your legal rights, and if it means he forfeits visitation then so be it. Your children will be ok with a couple of times it won't cause them any issues long term to not see him a schedule weekend or two. No, I would absolute not accommodate him to see her on Sunday. NOPE. This is the problem my friend, he preys on you and the feelings of your children. You do what's "right" in your mind for your kids, but its all wrong as far as what you get back out of it. I'd adhere to Fri and Sat as is in the decree. Until he shows that he can act like an adult and be amenable both ways in scheduling and accommodation I wouldn't budge one minute.
I agree-- sleeping on this gave some clarity. Time for me to draw the line and stick to it.

And if it were me ....I'd be changing the location of the party. If he has done it for two years you might as well write out a place card with his name. Maybe a friend would be willing to host, or move it to a kids place or even a park. Anywhere but where he can find you.
He does not know where it will be. THAT is the crux of this. He wanted to be there too- LOL! Not happening. And I have made it clear to DD that she is not to relay to him where it is-- that was a conversation had with the therapist last week and why safety makes it ok to say no sometimes. So, I have learned the hard way...

He broke into my house a year ago -- that was the disruption of her bday a year ago-- and there was a RO for much of the last year which was blissful. But his charges were placed on file and the RO went away with that so I do not have the RO anymore and am afraid, however, irrational, that he will show up at my home when DD and her friends are there after the party for her overnight part of the party....
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Old 03-09-2016, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
WTBH......just want to tell you how I handled the birthday thing (as well as other special days)......
I did not include their father (my ex husband).....(he was a difficult narcissist).
I had the parties, etc.....and, the kids were very happy on those occasions.
If their father did special things for them on their visits to him...I am sure that they enjoyed it, there, also.
They did not seem to be "racked
by the idea that both parents were not in the same room---Norman Rockwell style...lol....
I think that is a fantasy dream that resides in the mind of the parent.....

Oh, sure...there are some people who are able to co-parent, together, beautifully....and have respectful, co-operative interactions with each other....
Those are normal, Healthy people.....
Your ex does not seem to fall into that category....and, may never be so....

Sometimes, you just have to accept the reality of the situation...and make the best of it......

dandylion
Thank you! I do not want him involved in the part of the day I have DD AT ALL. He however, expects to be invited/included in things like this. And there were times he was. But his pattern of behavior has made it such that I am not allowing that anymore and it is FAR better for the kids that it is this way.

However xAH being the narcissist that he is, sees this as being about HIM.

So HE is angry he is not included in a party with a bunch of 8 yr olds and is being the same jerk he is anytime there are limits placed.

I don't know if Im supposed to figure out a way to "share" the actual day of her birth with him fairly but as her party w friends is that day I don't see that happening and he is unwilling to accept that.

Im worried about his anger and feel like I need to contort myself and DD's day to appease him and it's insane....
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Old 03-09-2016, 09:29 AM
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WTBH.......this I know about narcissists (true narcissistic personality disorders or just really messed-up people)......it is futile to try to be nice, or "fair", or to appease....
The will never reciprocate....they will just take advantage of your "niceness' at every possible opportunity....
Firm, unyielding boundaries are the best bet....and, as l ittle contact as possible...
You certainly are not obligated to "share" that day of birth with him!!

I don't think he is allowed to come I nto your house, uninvited...!

can you get a no trespass order for him....if he breaches it...the police will remove him from the property (not arrest him...unless he gives them reason)...
(that is what I did, once).....

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Old 03-09-2016, 09:34 AM
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Your ex just gets me angry. That is putting it mildly.

Yes, I would cut and paste the section of your divorce decree to any response that is going to him.

I would then have the standard paragraph with the indemnification clause from the divorce decree next.

Third paragraph would be that he could file a motion of modification of visitation time (or whatever the matter may be), and if the modification is approved that you will strictly adhere to the modification, as you will now be strictly adhering to the divorce decree now.

No, it is not right that he keeps changing times. If he is to have them Friday pm to Saturday am, and can't make it, that means that you would have to constantly change your plans. That is not reasonable, but that would be my argument to the court.

The only leeway that I would give here is to state, "I am leaving the house at 8am, taking the children with me, if you can be here before that time, then you can have the children for the rest of your visitation time on Saturday. (Only problem with this though is that he may keep them later just to ruin the day.)

If he shows up at your house Saturday pm, he is an unwanted visitor to your house, and you do not have to let him in and you can call the police to have him removed.

BTW, I thought he already moved prior to the final divorce decree, and if he knew he couldn't make it on Friday nights, why didn't he change it then to a more convenient time for him.

Good luck
(((((hugs))))))
amy
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Old 03-09-2016, 09:36 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
WTBH.......this I know about narcissists (true narcissistic personality disorders or just really messed-up people)......it is futile to try to be nice, or "fair", or to appease....
The will never reciprocate....they will just take advantage of your "niceness' at every possible opportunity....
Firm, unyielding boundaries are the best bet....and, as l ittle contact as possible...
You certainly are not obligated to "share" that day of birth with him!!

I don't think he is allowed to come I nto your house, uninvited...!

can you get a no trespass order for him....if he breaches it...the police will remove him from the property (not arrest him...unless he gives them reason)...
(that is what I did, once).....

dandylion
Thank you for the perspective... Because in my mind (he's gotten to me) I'm believing what he's saying that I'm "keeping" him from her on her actual birth-date bc she has her party that day and bc I am literally NOT around in the morning to accommodate the schedule he wants ....

Of course he does not realize that if he SHOWED up at the time the decree states, he would have her plenty on her "day of birth"....

He seriously spends excessive amounts of energy just finding ways to be disruptive and difficult and Im just going to have a black and white policy from now on I guess....
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Old 03-09-2016, 09:41 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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WTBH-I agree and you are doing the right thing. These toxic abusers just don't get it one bit and most likely never will. My ex too tried to play the "poor me, daddy's the victim" card last month while talking to our oldest on the phone. Yep-somehow it was my fault he was not included in her birthday plans-not his abusive insabe actions towards his own kids, which got him quickly booted off the guest list. Of course had he followed court orders he would have had visitation ....and could have celebrated with them at that time-but it's easier to not SEE the truth and just point the finger at me. WTBH-this man is literally insane. You don't need to appease him or DO anything other than what you are court ordered to do. Period. He deserves nothing.
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