What is he up to????????
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
dear myfreedom,
I was trying to take it slow with you, because that is how I needed it, I needed time to digest things.
But,
everything that was said above is absolutely true.
Leaving is the worst time for a woman. As Lexie had said.
He hit you once, twice, or whatever, he will keep doing it. It does not have to be like the lifetime movies with the physical abuse. One hit from a man can kill you.
Your children are already seeing this.
My son, had told me recently that his biggest hope was that I had left my ex before he went off to college.
No, absolutely not, do you tell him that you are leaving.
Do not ask him to leave, he will always find a way back in.
Start looking for all documents that you might need, ex. tax returns, bank accounts, mortgage statements, birth certificates, marriage certs
Do you have a trusted friend that can hold these for you. Originals not necessary, photocopy.
Call DV.
Find out about the shelter.
If you cannot afford a lawyer, the shelter may have a pro bono attorney
Do not let him see anything missing
Start your spring cleaning
Yes, have bags or clothing in your car
Don't know where you live in Pa, and really don't want you to put that in here, but I live in the Hazelton area. Don't know if that is close to you.
Just keep remembering that it will not get any better, it only gets worse.
I was trying to take it slow with you, because that is how I needed it, I needed time to digest things.
But,
everything that was said above is absolutely true.
Leaving is the worst time for a woman. As Lexie had said.
He hit you once, twice, or whatever, he will keep doing it. It does not have to be like the lifetime movies with the physical abuse. One hit from a man can kill you.
Your children are already seeing this.
My son, had told me recently that his biggest hope was that I had left my ex before he went off to college.
No, absolutely not, do you tell him that you are leaving.
Do not ask him to leave, he will always find a way back in.
Start looking for all documents that you might need, ex. tax returns, bank accounts, mortgage statements, birth certificates, marriage certs
Do you have a trusted friend that can hold these for you. Originals not necessary, photocopy.
Call DV.
Find out about the shelter.
If you cannot afford a lawyer, the shelter may have a pro bono attorney
Do not let him see anything missing
Start your spring cleaning
Yes, have bags or clothing in your car
Don't know where you live in Pa, and really don't want you to put that in here, but I live in the Hazelton area. Don't know if that is close to you.
Just keep remembering that it will not get any better, it only gets worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
ok, still if you can make copies of all documents, even if your name is not on them, store them at a safe place, if work is a safe place then store them there.
Take a moment to think though, what it is that you want? How can you get to that point? Just know that you need to leave "him" put of everything. You can't change him.
I also felt that I had no where to go. No choices that I could make. But I started to open up to people, then found out that I did have many choices. Many people believed me, and many were willing to help. Don't want to get you stuck on the people helping, because, I hate to say this, by that time I felt so weak, I felt I needed someone to help me pull through all of this. I didn't. (that is hindsight right now)
You can and you will think of a way, and if I can be of any help, let me know.
Take a moment to think though, what it is that you want? How can you get to that point? Just know that you need to leave "him" put of everything. You can't change him.
I also felt that I had no where to go. No choices that I could make. But I started to open up to people, then found out that I did have many choices. Many people believed me, and many were willing to help. Don't want to get you stuck on the people helping, because, I hate to say this, by that time I felt so weak, I felt I needed someone to help me pull through all of this. I didn't. (that is hindsight right now)
You can and you will think of a way, and if I can be of any help, let me know.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Check out these links: Lancaster County and Berks County
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
myfreedom,
you are a hop, skip and a jump away from me. It's only about an hour, hour and a half tops. Looking at the locations of people on the forum, I am almost in your backyard. If you need help with anything, just let me know, I can be there for you.
Just wanted to say again to you today, thank you for reaching out. You are going to make it. You are strong enough.
you are a hop, skip and a jump away from me. It's only about an hour, hour and a half tops. Looking at the locations of people on the forum, I am almost in your backyard. If you need help with anything, just let me know, I can be there for you.
Just wanted to say again to you today, thank you for reaching out. You are going to make it. You are strong enough.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
LexieCat and ShootingStar have offered good advice.
Here is a link for help in Pennsylvania:
Find Help | The First State Domestic Violence Coalition : The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence (PCADV)
You are asking for help on logistics - I say call a hotline for immediate assistance with resources to help you. Like LexieCat said, there may be more help with housing and finances than you realize. And, I'd focus on the PFA (protection from abuse) process. Although I cannot give you direct legal advice, I have worked on PFA cases in PA. Through that process, you can get an order for possesion of your home and custody of the children and the right to no contact from him.
AND - they generally assign pro bono attorney to can help you with the PFA process. From everything I have seen, the court personnel with walk you through this. They have seen it so many times before.
You are in danger. Your children are hurt by what this man does to you. Please make a plan and get out.
Here is a link for help in Pennsylvania:
Find Help | The First State Domestic Violence Coalition : The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence (PCADV)
You are asking for help on logistics - I say call a hotline for immediate assistance with resources to help you. Like LexieCat said, there may be more help with housing and finances than you realize. And, I'd focus on the PFA (protection from abuse) process. Although I cannot give you direct legal advice, I have worked on PFA cases in PA. Through that process, you can get an order for possesion of your home and custody of the children and the right to no contact from him.
AND - they generally assign pro bono attorney to can help you with the PFA process. From everything I have seen, the court personnel with walk you through this. They have seen it so many times before.
You are in danger. Your children are hurt by what this man does to you. Please make a plan and get out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
You are getting such good advice. Glad that you did start posting about how you feel, and what has been going on. Please listen to all of this good advice. I wish I had it when I needed it. Maybe I did, but I was listening then. Just remember we are all with you, and if you need IRL, I am just about an hour away, just have to drive down route 81, I think. I can hold your hand and I can give you hugs. Just take care of yourself and your children. You now have an army behind you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Thank you all soooooo much. This helps a great deal. I go look at a two bed mobile home on an acre lot today. Sounds promising. Then just have to figure out how to pull $1000 out of my a**!!!!!!!
Got home from work yesterday and he said his counselor set up an appt for both of us to go in?????? Why???? He was told that his problems at this moment are most likely coming from our marital issues. Really????? You have got to be kidding me. I do not think that is a good idea, because my mouth will probably not shut up, since it is all about his feelings now and how he is trying. So he had meeting yesterday and then spends an hour or so in garage drinking!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have trouble with our neighbor kids alot and I guess the dad yelled at my youngest yesterday. So we are trying to eat dinner and AH is telling kids just to stay away from their yard so there is no more trouble because " he doesn't want to have to knock neighbors teeth down his throat for yelling at his son"....... Is he really that ignorant???? Has his meeting not meant anything to him??? I now think it is just another ploy to get me comfortable again so he can then let loose.
Got home from work yesterday and he said his counselor set up an appt for both of us to go in?????? Why???? He was told that his problems at this moment are most likely coming from our marital issues. Really????? You have got to be kidding me. I do not think that is a good idea, because my mouth will probably not shut up, since it is all about his feelings now and how he is trying. So he had meeting yesterday and then spends an hour or so in garage drinking!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have trouble with our neighbor kids alot and I guess the dad yelled at my youngest yesterday. So we are trying to eat dinner and AH is telling kids just to stay away from their yard so there is no more trouble because " he doesn't want to have to knock neighbors teeth down his throat for yelling at his son"....... Is he really that ignorant???? Has his meeting not meant anything to him??? I now think it is just another ploy to get me comfortable again so he can then let loose.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Hello Myfreedom, it's always good to have a plan in place when leaving an abusive relationship. I'm posting these links so that you can get some ideas about issues you may not have thought about yet. Please take very good care of yourself and your precious children!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Hello Myfreedom, it's always good to have a plan in place when leaving an abusive relationship. I'm posting these links so that you can get some ideas about issues you may not have thought about yet. Please take very good care of yourself and your precious children!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The only downside to a home with an acre lot is that it is very isolated. You might be safer in the beginning with neighbors close by. Not that you would have to stay there (or anywhere) forever, but having help close by can be a godsend if he were to show up at your door (which can happen even if you have a PFA).
Your instincts are right on about the wisdom of joint therapy. Abusers are very good at manipulating therapy sessions, as well as likely to use anything you say in therapy against you later. It can become yet another platform for him to control you. Of course, when you decline you will be accused of "not caring about the marriage." That's where you practice detachment and simply say you are not ready RIGHT NOW to do that. Again--you don't need to signal that you have one foot out the door.
Your instincts are right on about the wisdom of joint therapy. Abusers are very good at manipulating therapy sessions, as well as likely to use anything you say in therapy against you later. It can become yet another platform for him to control you. Of course, when you decline you will be accused of "not caring about the marriage." That's where you practice detachment and simply say you are not ready RIGHT NOW to do that. Again--you don't need to signal that you have one foot out the door.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Ok I am starting to have a bad day. I'm sitting here at work having panic attacks, feeling like I can't breath. I keep reading this thread and asking myself, "Is it really that bad?". He os being so kind and loving, how could he turn into that ugly monster everyone says he will? Deep down I know the truth, I am just starting to feel guilt for getting ready to ruin his life. I don't even know where to begin.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that's a bit dramatic, don't ya think? you will NOT ruin his life...but if you stay with a known abuser, it might just ruin yours. sure he's being nice NOW...yet three short weeks ago you were once again the target for his uncontrolled abuse. key word AGAIN.
he's DRINKING and it won't take much for him to blow. he speaks of harming others AT the dinner table, in front of the children. what are THEY learning from all of this? that it's ok to beat up their mom, women, anyone who dares to cross them?
please reach out to the services offered to abused women. you cannot solve this on your own. you cannot be passive enough to keep him calm. you have NO control over him. hell he has no control over himself.
as has been said but bears repeating, do not talk or even HINT at the fact that you are considering leaving. no ultimatums, no threats, not a single word. do not talk to the children about it either. have your phone and an escape plan ready.
he's DRINKING and it won't take much for him to blow. he speaks of harming others AT the dinner table, in front of the children. what are THEY learning from all of this? that it's ok to beat up their mom, women, anyone who dares to cross them?
please reach out to the services offered to abused women. you cannot solve this on your own. you cannot be passive enough to keep him calm. you have NO control over him. hell he has no control over himself.
as has been said but bears repeating, do not talk or even HINT at the fact that you are considering leaving. no ultimatums, no threats, not a single word. do not talk to the children about it either. have your phone and an escape plan ready.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Got home from work yesterday and he said his counselor set up an appt for both of us to go in?????? Why???? He was told that his problems at this moment are most likely coming from our marital issues. Really????? You have got to be kidding me. I do not think that is a good idea, because my mouth will probably not shut up, since it is all about his feelings now and how he is trying.
Yes, it's that bad. A good piece of advice that I learned here, when I couldn't see past my AH's hooks, was to "play the tape to the end." Yes, he's saying the right things right now, but what comes after that? And then after that? And then after that? Etc etc.
This is just a part of the pattern. Seeing it for what it is and acting accordingly is half the battle. You're halfway there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Ok went and looked at the mobile home. I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I only had to give him half month rent and can pay sec deposit as I can each month. Got the keys. There is a store across the street and another house and a house down alittle. Most of the land is behind it. All hardwood floors, nice yard. I am so scared right now. Took a personal day for Friday and getting as much as I can out while he is at work.
Co-dependant Control Freak
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by myfreedom 
He texts me every day at work. Asking how my day is, that he misses me and wishes he could hold me. It kinda makes me nauseous. He is being sooooo sensitive and questions everything if he feels any doubt in his mind. If I get out of bed during the night, its like his radar goes off and he is awake, coming to see what I am doing. Right now he is texting, asking if he can hold me tonite. I just want him to leave me alone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Congrats on the house! Be very, very careful as you make your exit. I still hope you will call one of the DV counselors and get some advice about safety planning. And if there is ANY ongoing harassment please do consider getting the protective order. One of the primary benefits is that the police can make an arrest before a simple contact turns into something more threatening.
Have you thought about what you are going to do about visitation with the kids? I really hope you consult a lawyer so you can provide them with maximum protection. You mentioned your 11 y/o--how old are the other kids?
Have you thought about what you are going to do about visitation with the kids? I really hope you consult a lawyer so you can provide them with maximum protection. You mentioned your 11 y/o--how old are the other kids?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
