What is he up to????????

Old 05-16-2013, 09:47 AM
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Hoping it all goes well for you this morning. Meeting someone face to face always seems to have a way of getting to the heart of things. I know the first time I met with the DV shelter I balled my eyes our for no reason except that someone was listening to me and I didn't have to hold it in any longer. It felt so freeing.

Good Luck MyFreedom
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Old 05-16-2013, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post

Also you might want to look into this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft
I've read that book. Good book.

Peace.
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Old 05-16-2013, 01:13 PM
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I think of you everyday too myfreedom! SO GLAD you contacted DV folks.....
Take care of yourself and keep us posted. We are here to support you however we can.

HUGZZZZZ
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:14 PM
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Well the judge granted the pfa. Hearing is wednesday morning. No contact with me. or kids. We will see what happens next week.
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:26 PM
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great news, I'm so relieved for you.
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:37 PM
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I'm so glad for you. Now, make sure that ANY violations of the order--a letter of apology on your doorstep, even--gets reported. The order is only as good as your willingness to report any violations. A lot of abusers will "test the waters" and see what they can get away with. If you show ANY signs that you are not serious, things can snowball very quickly.

Did you get a chance to spend some time discussing planning with a counselor or advocate?

I'm proud of you for taking these steps to take care of yourself and your kiddos!
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Old 05-18-2013, 12:25 AM
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Well the move is over. I am keeping in contact with the neighbor. She let me know when he got home. The totally bizarre thing is, AH has not called or texted me. He wouldn't of got his papers yet. It is actually creepy. His sistear left a message that he called her and said that when he got home the house was empty. I barely took any furniture. Kids are loving the new place. I am just curious as to why no response from him.
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Old 05-18-2013, 04:54 AM
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myfreedom, I am so in awe of your courage and determination. I hope the move continues to go smoothly. Best of luck.
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Old 05-18-2013, 06:05 AM
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Hopefully he HAS been served (though you should be notified when he is). Maybe he got the order and is abiding by it. Maybe he is drinking himself into oblivion.

Not your problem. I know it can be anxiety-producing when you aren't sure what will happen next. Stay on the alert, but put your energy into fixing up your new place.
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:56 AM
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Normally, when someone would come home to an empty house, there would be a big light bulb moment. Key word here, "normal". As you know there is nothing normal about living with an abusive addict.

My hunch, he is drowning his sorrows, playing the martyr/victim, I can just here him now, "She cleaned me out", took the kids and left." AND still not able to look in the mirror and say, " MY actions caused this!"

I agree with Lexie, be very aware of your surroundings at all times.

Another hunch, you will probably be hearing from him soon, ( after the bender)
first he will be angry, then more empty promises of how is is really going to CHANGE , this time is DIFFERENT, he has learned his lesson, blah, blah, blah.........

Thinking of you, stay strong, and out of harm's way!
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Old 05-30-2013, 11:15 AM
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Just wanted to update since my last post. Since the move, kids and I are adjusting well. Final PFA is with contact started by myself, I have full custody of kids. I am letting him see them ONLY BECAUSE; he is a total diff person. Yes I know that I can not buy into this and I am not. He is trying to be caring, family material. He hasn't really drank or went anywhere. He thinks we are still going to work things out. I have just told him that I need time to work on me. I said I will allow him to have kids but one mess up and that will be it. Am I being to nice??? I know he has a LONG way to go before I even can start to believe in him again, if I decide that is what I want to do. What do you think? Also I got my landlord to come down $50 on the rent. Whoo hoo
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Old 05-30-2013, 11:31 AM
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I don't remember or haven't read the entire thread, but I do know that these types tend to play nice to see if that works, and then get angry if it doesn't. Keep that in mind. Long-term changes don't happen overnight. Keep that in mind too.

Congrats on the rent decrease!
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Old 05-30-2013, 11:35 AM
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OK, if I read you correctly, the PFA allows contact only if it's initiated by you? I would just be careful to keep the contact to the BARE minimum, and limited ONLY to communication concerning the kids. If you start getting casual and sloppy about it, he will argue at some point that you initiated the contact.

Stay on the alert. BlueSkies is right--he may be "behaving" right now and even not drinking, but the abusive personality is still there. Just be very very careful.

Glad to hear things are going well in your new space, and yeah--rent reduction is awesome!
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Old 05-30-2013, 11:59 AM
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I am being very alert. I just never have seen him go this long as being the good guy. How long can he keep up the charade before the true colors come back out? I don't really get into discussions with him. Just trying to keep it about kids only. It is hard at times. Some days I am asking myself if I did the right thing, then keep telling myself it will get easier.
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Old 05-30-2013, 12:33 PM
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Dear myfreedom, my experience has been that they can keep up the "good" behavior until you tell them "no" for some reason---or they start drinking again.

I have heard the saying "If you want to know if the changes in the alcoholic are genuine--just tell them "no"!"

I agree, also, with the recommendation to keep communication to BARE BONES. Resist temptation toward becoming more cordial.

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Old 05-30-2013, 12:35 PM
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It may last just until you relax about the PFA and get casual about it. You know the saying about giving someone an inch and they will take a mile? He may even be the "good guy" long enough that you dismiss the PFA. But abusers do not just spontaneously change for the better.

It's sort of like the alcohol was for me when I was still drinking. I could sort of "control" it for periods of time when I had a good enough reason, but as soon as the reason was gone I reverted to my default level of drinking. I'm not trying to compare the alcoholism to abuse, but they are the similar in the way that real change requires concerted effort beyond just avoiding the external behaviors for a period of time.
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:21 PM
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Be very careful my x was abusive until I started to stand up for myself and then he backed off. When you're in a situation like that for a long time with an abusive person you don't realize what danger you're really in, scarey! Even after the divorce I was fearful of him showing up angry, but he never did seeing I told him if he ever came over I would call the police. An abuser person is recovered when they truly say they are sorry and they totally leave you alone and don't stalk you! Out of your LIFE!
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted by fedup3 View Post
Be very careful my x was abusive until I started to stand up for myself and then he backed off. When you're in a situation like that for a long time with an abusive person you don't realize what danger you're really in, scarey! Even after the divorce I was fearful of him showing up angry, but he never did seeing I told him if he ever came over I would call the police. An abuser person is recovered when they truly say they are sorry and they totally leave you alone and don't stalk you! Out of your LIFE!
I can honestly say that I still don't realize how dangerous he can be. He seems so genuine right now but I know to fall for it. I don't know if he will ever leave me alone completely. He just texted me that he misses me so much and wants us to be able to love again, that me being gone is soooo hard for him. I didn't answer.
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:45 PM
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Good, myfreedom on not answering him. Don't answer that kind of sentiment even ONE time!! Do not forget the INTERMITTENT CHICKEN. This is the sort of bait that sucks you right in!!!!

You need to grow skin as thick as a rhino regarding his "sweet" cooing. This is just a stage in the CYCLE of ABUSE.

Be ever vigilant.

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Old 05-30-2013, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Good, myfreedom on not answering him. Don't answer that kind of sentiment even ONE time!! Do not forget the INTERMITTENT CHICKEN. This is the sort of bait that sucks you right in!!!!

You need to grow skin as thick as a rhino regarding his "sweet" cooing. This is just a stage in the CYCLE of ABUSE.

Be ever vigilant.

dandylion
How long can this stage really go on??????
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