What is he up to????????
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
myfreedom, this honeymoon period (sweet, loving) can last a short time--a few days--to a few weeks. Gradually, tension starts to build in the relationship, again (walking on eggshells), until it reaches a breaking point and the dangerous behavior returns.
This is a general pattern; the time frames and order of the stages can vary in each specific relationship.
An alcoholic will remain manipulative, in general until they have made real and lasting changes by intensive work in a recovery program (like AA). Not just going to meetings--but, working all the steps with a sponsor. Takes time and is very intensive work. Just not drinking is not the same as recovery--because the thinking and attitudes have not changed.
dandylion
This is a general pattern; the time frames and order of the stages can vary in each specific relationship.
An alcoholic will remain manipulative, in general until they have made real and lasting changes by intensive work in a recovery program (like AA). Not just going to meetings--but, working all the steps with a sponsor. Takes time and is very intensive work. Just not drinking is not the same as recovery--because the thinking and attitudes have not changed.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
this too will go on as long as you allow it.
I thought you were limiting contact with him UNLESS, it was regarding the children?
'How is "wanting to love again" about the kids?
Personally, I think you are on a very slippery slope.
i really think he is trying to get you to take the bait!.
No way this side of hell, he is "all better"
I thought you were limiting contact with him UNLESS, it was regarding the children?
'How is "wanting to love again" about the kids?
Personally, I think you are on a very slippery slope.
i really think he is trying to get you to take the bait!.
No way this side of hell, he is "all better"
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Texting you that he misses and loves you, although sounding so good, is breaking the protection order as smacked so cleverly noticed very quickly.
So he misses and loves you. Yet he shows he is very willing to break the law very quickly.
He doesn't take the law seriously.
He may not take you seriously, next.
I would continue contact only about the children. During that, reitterate that he needs to realize the harm he has done, change, and make amends, and that you know that it takes a long time for a person to truly change, and stop the cycle of abuse.
Bet he goes silent, at least for awhile. Or, loses his temper quickly!
If you respond to his text, or other contact outside of the kids, then YOU are breaking what you sought in court to obtain, and the court no longer has any reason to take YOU seriously. Nor so does he, as he will see that you are willing to bend, and want to use the protection order only when it suits you. That's not how the courts play. And you don't want him thinking that the protection order is manipulation by you, to use when you want to, and to not use when you don't want to. He would be correct then in thinking that you were manipulating him then.
Court orders aren't to be messed with. You got it, honor it. Don't let him lead you down the path of breaking it! It's a test by him to see if you are weak or strong.
So he misses and loves you. Yet he shows he is very willing to break the law very quickly.
He doesn't take the law seriously.
He may not take you seriously, next.
I would continue contact only about the children. During that, reitterate that he needs to realize the harm he has done, change, and make amends, and that you know that it takes a long time for a person to truly change, and stop the cycle of abuse.
Bet he goes silent, at least for awhile. Or, loses his temper quickly!
If you respond to his text, or other contact outside of the kids, then YOU are breaking what you sought in court to obtain, and the court no longer has any reason to take YOU seriously. Nor so does he, as he will see that you are willing to bend, and want to use the protection order only when it suits you. That's not how the courts play. And you don't want him thinking that the protection order is manipulation by you, to use when you want to, and to not use when you don't want to. He would be correct then in thinking that you were manipulating him then.
Court orders aren't to be messed with. You got it, honor it. Don't let him lead you down the path of breaking it! It's a test by him to see if you are weak or strong.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
If you respond to his text, or other contact outside of the kids, then YOU are breaking what you sought in court to obtain, and the court no longer has any reason to take YOU seriously. Nor so does he, as he will see that you are willing to bend, and want to use the protection order only when it suits you. That's not how the courts play. And you don't want him thinking that the protection order is manipulation by you, to use when you want to, and to not use when you don't want to. He would be correct then in thinking that you were manipulating him then.
Court orders aren't to be messed with. You got it, honor it. Don't let him lead you down the path of breaking it! It's a test by him to see if you are weak or strong.
Court orders aren't to be messed with. You got it, honor it. Don't let him lead you down the path of breaking it! It's a test by him to see if you are weak or strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Thank you all very much for opening my eyes. I am going to keep reading these posts. Actually am going to print them out and keep them with me. I do really need to grow a backbone and stop letting him bother me. You all are great and I appreciate all the input.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I think the $50. reduction in rent is just great!!!!!! As to how long he can keep up this good behavior? Well .......................
How long will it take him to "hoover you back in?" (as in a vacuum cleaner)
Have you ever noticed how nice he can be to other people, and he comes home and he is just nasty?
I might just be assuming this here.
Mine was extra nice to outside people, he had to put on his "mask", he kept it on till he came home. He was comfortable there, he could then take off the "mask", and be himself.
Right now yours is probably wearing the "mask". He will keep it on till he know that he feels sure that you will not leave again. Also be prepared for changes of moods when he thinks a different one might work better, whether it be the pity party for him, or the guilt trip for you, and also might throw in some extreme anger. Be prepared for all of them.
Just think of it and look at it like a 4 year old trying to get his way.
If all you are hearing is words, but not seeing any action, all the words are manipulation.
Good luck on your new place, it sounds wonderful, and yes, stay no contact, you filed the RO for your protection. If you do not abide by it also, you could have more difficulty getting another.
How long will it take him to "hoover you back in?" (as in a vacuum cleaner)
Have you ever noticed how nice he can be to other people, and he comes home and he is just nasty?
I might just be assuming this here.
Mine was extra nice to outside people, he had to put on his "mask", he kept it on till he came home. He was comfortable there, he could then take off the "mask", and be himself.
Right now yours is probably wearing the "mask". He will keep it on till he know that he feels sure that you will not leave again. Also be prepared for changes of moods when he thinks a different one might work better, whether it be the pity party for him, or the guilt trip for you, and also might throw in some extreme anger. Be prepared for all of them.
Just think of it and look at it like a 4 year old trying to get his way.
If all you are hearing is words, but not seeing any action, all the words are manipulation.
Good luck on your new place, it sounds wonderful, and yes, stay no contact, you filed the RO for your protection. If you do not abide by it also, you could have more difficulty getting another.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
I got a friendly reminder this morning when I dropped kids off for bus as to why I left. Seems he went to hang with some friends last night. Rode his bike, came home drunk and was still sleeping on the chair when he was supposed to be at work 3 hrs ago. And he still does not have license back yet from the 2nd dui. Thank you for all for your drilling me with the truth!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Hi MyFreedom...congrats on standing up for yourself and your kids! The advice and love that the people here have given is so great! I read most of these posts and the one thing that I didnt see anyone address was that your husbands therapist will not address your husbands drinking in my experience...one of my exabf and I went to therapy and therapist flat out told me she would stay away from the subject because it needs to be his decision and if we push he will push back! Here is to hoping that for another human beings sake he will see that he is an alcoholic and can not self medicate the past horrors of his life away and get involved in a 12 step program....but those are his issues... Glad you are safe and out of the insanity and working on yourself and you are right where yiu are supposed to be!!! Love and huggs!!!
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