Yesterday - Detaching?

Old 05-31-2013, 04:31 AM
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Yesterday - Detaching?

Yesterday evening wasn't a good one. My AH had to call a business and he just lost it with the woman helping him on the phone. Lots of f--s I could hear out in the other room because the conversation wasn't going his way. He told me he ended up calling her a f-- moron and then slammed down the phone. Fast forward a few hours and I was watching television and my program set him off. He used a few more bad words about my viewing choices, I turned it off but he left the room. I followed him after a while and he started talking to me but basically it was just a rage (not directed at me). Later when he calmed down, I tried talking to him about his anger. Got one sentence out of my mouth and he shut me down again. All of this anger is getting worse I think because he's getting older. And I'm trying to get the strength to leave but when I see how angry he gets, I get intimidated.

Anyway, what do I do? Detach? I can't get him to see a doctor. Don't know if I should call one of his friends with my concerns or just mind my own business and focus on my life. I don't know if it's relevant but he starts drinking everyday at noon like clockwork.
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Old 05-31-2013, 04:53 AM
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I do believe you hve just given yourself the answer:

"just mind my own business and focus on my life"

I know it will be hard to 'mind your own business', however I do believe that his 'anger' is directed really at himself, in that he is not yet ready to see 'how' his life has gone to 'hell in a hand basket.' 'How' is life has become so unmanageable. So the anger flares.

And the fact that he starts drinking at noon, that is just when the alcohol level in his body gets down to a level where he NEEDS more alcohol. Thus even trying to talk to him in the morning you would still be talking to the bottle.

Stay focused on you! Whether you are using Alanon and/or one on one counseling, or some other means, maybe 'up' the meetings, and find some face to face folks that you can talk to when needed.

I believe that each of these 'episodes', although you end up feeling intimidated, you are also getting closer to the point where you will leave, to get some peace and serenity in your life.

Remember, you are not alone, we are walking with you in spirit, and are here for you!

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-31-2013, 06:02 AM
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Thank you Laurie. He's still raging this morning (not at me) and I'm feeling worn out and exhausted by it all and yes, it's all going to push me to reclaim some peace. I didn't know about the alcohol still being in his system in the morning and that's why I can't talk to him. Thank you again. I really needed your help.
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Old 05-31-2013, 06:21 AM
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Dear sunshinegirl, i sure can relate to the exhausted part. It sounds like he is at a point in his disease that you are n o t really going to find any completely sober time. It will only get worse unless he goes into treatment. It would be dangerous for him to stop on his own (without medical detox). He actually "has" to drink at this point to prevent withdrawl symptoms.

You do need to talk to someone face to face about how you go about extracting yourself from this situation. There are some good websites on the internet (domestic violence web sites) which give good instructions about how to leave a dangerous or angry partner. Domestic violence counselors also have their hands o n all the resources that you might need for help. All you have to do is pick up a phone and they will walk you through every thing. They are there if you just need someone to talk to. You aren't obligated to anything just because you talk to them. They do not pressure and they do not judge. Their only goal is to help and support you.

There is help and you don't have to stay "trapped" by an angry alcoholic.

We are here for you 24/7.

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Old 05-31-2013, 06:45 AM
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Thank you Dandylion. He won't get help or even see a doctor. It's very sad to see a life wasted. I will make those calls. Thank you again. I'm worn out.
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Old 05-31-2013, 06:52 AM
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sunshinegirl, millions have walked in your shoes, and you will not have to go this alone. We all know the sadness of this disease and how it affects everybody it touches.

Make that call--and, remember that that first phone call is the hardest part---(LOL).

dandylion
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Old 05-31-2013, 07:43 AM
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With the way he talked to the woman on the phone, he'd probably talk to a doctor that way as well.
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:36 AM
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He is looking for reasons to act out. Detaching means you don't give him any yourself. Don't let him push your buttons, don't engage with him when he's angry. Even trying to talk to him about it is enough reason for him to rage again. Stay focused on you, say the Serenity prayer. Then get help for yourself.

(((hugs)))
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Old 05-31-2013, 09:06 AM
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Thank you everyone. I know so many of you have walked in my shoes and I get strength from you.
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Old 05-31-2013, 09:21 AM
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It's a tough thing when they are enraged like that and anything sets them off. I know my ADH will get that way sometimes in the evening. He doesn't direct it at me either but its annoying to see him get so upset at rediculous things. He will get agitated and make snide comments about TV, the house anything really and no matter what I or anyone else say or do it would be wrong so I just ignore him and don't feed into it. I remind myself its the alcohol talking.
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Old 05-31-2013, 02:01 PM
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I find that even days after a drinking binge, AH still has a horrible temper. 30 days sober and the temper is starting to subside. Alcohol does a number to the brain, I was shocked to realize how much it changes someone.
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Old 05-31-2013, 03:49 PM
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No advice, cause I'm living this, too, sunnshine, but you are not alone.
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Old 05-31-2013, 04:28 PM
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Wishful, congrats to AH being sober for 30 days! I've watched my AH change so much he's unrecognizable. Sueski, that's supposed to be a hug from me to you.
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