What is he up to????????
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
First physical incident was 1996(before alcohol), next few were in 97-98, then not until 2000. Alcohol started in 2002, getting much worse after his return from s. korea in 2003. Next incident was severe, he put his arm on my throat. The last physical incident was 3 years ago, it had then progressed to being held down, and choked until i almost passed out( i only think i survived because my children were woken up by my screams) i was never brave enough to call the cops, until i had already made plans to move out, that time was likely a missed physical incident.
It doesn't get better, towards the end i was going to food pantries for food while he made 5k a month, i wasn't being given money for groceries. I listened to weekly(if not more)late night drunken tantrums, constant emotional and verbal abuse. It's profoundly affected my children, 17 year old is a delinquent who has stolen from me, and just last week got a minor in consumption. 10year old freaks out about alcohol. 5yo is socially immature.
I wish everyday i'd been brave enough to leave earlier.
It doesn't get better, towards the end i was going to food pantries for food while he made 5k a month, i wasn't being given money for groceries. I listened to weekly(if not more)late night drunken tantrums, constant emotional and verbal abuse. It's profoundly affected my children, 17 year old is a delinquent who has stolen from me, and just last week got a minor in consumption. 10year old freaks out about alcohol. 5yo is socially immature.
I wish everyday i'd been brave enough to leave earlier.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
And, I just saw you found a place. Okay, great. now remember, you DON'T have to move in right away. If it's safer, move things slowly. Get secondhand items from where-ever you can, the crisis center should be able to help with that. Worry about the important things, not the trivial things. Dishes, furniture? Ehh, those can be found for cheap secondhand no problem. Computer? Take it. Family pictures, digital cameras, memory cards, take them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Originally Posted by pixilation 
And, I just saw you found a place. Okay, great. now remember, you DON'T have to move in right away. If it's safer, move things slowly. Get secondhand items from where-ever you can, the crisis center should be able to help with that. Worry about the important things, not the trivial things. Dishes, furniture? Ehh, those can be found for cheap secondhand no problem. Computer? Take it. Family pictures, digital cameras, memory cards, take them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
OK>>> oops! I posted this with out reading two extra pages.. sorry if this is been gone over already.. 
This sure sounds like a loving caring guy... or not. I've heard this same thing so many times. I'M doing everything right. I'M working on it, but it's YOU. It's still your fault in his eyes.
I don't say it to be crude or insensitive, just that I've heard this type of thing so many times. I've yet to see this happen, but for me.. if I had unjustly put my hands on someone that I love and wanted to earn their trust and love back, I sure would be willing, able and patient enough for them to take the time they need to heal and recover emotionally. There can't be a time stamp on that. If he LOVES you so much he should see that you can't just sweep it under the rug and be all cuddly and lovey with him. To me (opinion only) this jump to tell you you're being negative while he does all the hard work is just another control tactic. Some of us affectionately call this honeymoon period the "hoover maneuver".
If you explained to him that yes you want to make it work and you appreciate him trying but that it's going to take you some time.. (if you even feel that way). You'll see the truth come pouring out.. either he'll make excuses about how he's not going to wait around forever, not going to give up everything.. yadda yadda yadda.. or he'll say I understand and actually wait for you, without smothering you.
Just my opinion, but I'm really with the others. Please make a safety plan for yourself. The false facade only holds on for so long. (hugs)
I have told him that I do not see this change lasting. He says I only see the negative in him and never anything positive. That I should put alittle effort into making this work, and show him that I still love him even alittle. That it would make things alot easier. He knows I want to leave BUT won't believe it and only sees us as being together and happy.
I don't say it to be crude or insensitive, just that I've heard this type of thing so many times. I've yet to see this happen, but for me.. if I had unjustly put my hands on someone that I love and wanted to earn their trust and love back, I sure would be willing, able and patient enough for them to take the time they need to heal and recover emotionally. There can't be a time stamp on that. If he LOVES you so much he should see that you can't just sweep it under the rug and be all cuddly and lovey with him. To me (opinion only) this jump to tell you you're being negative while he does all the hard work is just another control tactic. Some of us affectionately call this honeymoon period the "hoover maneuver".
If you explained to him that yes you want to make it work and you appreciate him trying but that it's going to take you some time.. (if you even feel that way). You'll see the truth come pouring out.. either he'll make excuses about how he's not going to wait around forever, not going to give up everything.. yadda yadda yadda.. or he'll say I understand and actually wait for you, without smothering you.
Just my opinion, but I'm really with the others. Please make a safety plan for yourself. The false facade only holds on for so long. (hugs)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Yes he does think I should put everything behind me, even what happened 3-4 weeks ago is the past!!!!!! Forget it and move on with our future...... Really??????? You will never get it, never understand what you have done to me, except to come back at me with "well you have done things to me, too".. So what...... I never abused you or threatened your life, you a******. I am sooo tired of the game, I don't know if I will make it to Friday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
You CAN make it.. and you WILL make it! I finally read to the end.. and I'm so glad you got the place. Take all the advice given to you here to keep yourself and your kids safe.
I heard those same remarks so many times. You're so negative, move on. But.. I sure notice he's quick to bring up the past when it's convenient for him!
I also had to realize that the abuse and the alcohol were not one in the same. The alcohol had a tendency to make him more abusive, but it wasn't the root cause.
If you ever feel like doing some reading, I have the Bundcroft book.. I kept it with another books dust jacket over it, and now it's at work with me. I also have a couple of e-books about how to leave a dangerous man, and women who love psychopaths. I know those sound like harsh words. They did to me when I read them because I still kept saying "it's not THAT bad" but once I read them I realized how right they were. Maybe Psychopath wouldn't be a word you would use, but I bet once you got to the part about the types of women they attract, and why, you might feel a little bit more like you can see the whole picture.
I bet you were once a strong willed, free spirited, loved excitement, highly driven either in personal matters or career type woman when he met you? Any of that right?
PM me if you want and I'll send you links for the books if you want them.
I heard those same remarks so many times. You're so negative, move on. But.. I sure notice he's quick to bring up the past when it's convenient for him!
I also had to realize that the abuse and the alcohol were not one in the same. The alcohol had a tendency to make him more abusive, but it wasn't the root cause.
If you ever feel like doing some reading, I have the Bundcroft book.. I kept it with another books dust jacket over it, and now it's at work with me. I also have a couple of e-books about how to leave a dangerous man, and women who love psychopaths. I know those sound like harsh words. They did to me when I read them because I still kept saying "it's not THAT bad" but once I read them I realized how right they were. Maybe Psychopath wouldn't be a word you would use, but I bet once you got to the part about the types of women they attract, and why, you might feel a little bit more like you can see the whole picture.
I bet you were once a strong willed, free spirited, loved excitement, highly driven either in personal matters or career type woman when he met you? Any of that right?
PM me if you want and I'll send you links for the books if you want them.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
freedom, make sure you let someone at your kids' school know that you are splitting with your husband.... he may try to pick the kids up after school and its best they know something.....
I agree with LexiCat and others who have said to contact the DV folks and let them help steer you thru this. I'm sure there are things that haven't thought of that might make this transition MUCH easier for you. You can call annonymously ..... and it could help with many unforeseen problems that could occur.
I know it will be hard for you to stay calm until Friday.... but mums the word.
Personally, I wouldn't tell him ANYTHING... he will know soon enough. What good would it do to tell him? It can go one of two ways.....either turn things physical again or he will turn on the charm and you may let your guard down.
I know from experience.... I was in an abusive relationship when I was 19-20 years old (seems like MANY moons ago now, but the last incident is still fresh in my memory)
My abuser held me captive in our apartment for 3 days. Wouldn't let me near the door and threatened me with a hammer. I spent most of those 3 days in bed, curled up in a ball against the wall so all he could hit was my back!! When I DID see the chance of escape was when a friend of his pulled up to visit ... I heard the muffler on his truck.... I made it to the door and ran out as HE was coming in. Barely made it to my car before the crazy man was on my heels. Believe it or not, we had to park in a church parking lot and this happened as church was letting out on a sunday....so MANY people saw the incident but no one called for help. Ended up with him getting my hood open in a split second and yanking a wire off my car so it wouldn't start. somewhere in the scuffle he tried to bite me in the face and I knocked his front tooth out. It was actually an accident but just fueled the fire..... ended up having to drive him to a nearby town to his buddys house..... the whole trip I had a knife held to my throat and was hit and threatened. Ithe things that cross your mind when you are numb..... I won't go in to..
Much more to the story, but what I wanted to say is that when I finally got my own place, he followed me home from work and then knew exactly where I lived. He visited my neighbors before I even met them and introduced himself as my husband and their new neighbor. by the time I met my neighbors, he had already swooned them into thinking I was a crazy woman.
Just be careful..... I know you are thrilled about your new place, but take things slowly and be on high alert right now and after you move on Friday. Always lock your car even when its in your driveway.....make sure your windows on your new place are all either locked or have bars in the tracks...... do not let your guard down. The more you can get "on record" about previous abuse the better. The DV people can really help you know all the ins and outs.
Be safe! I applaud you for your courage! I know how hard it is to take this first step.....
I agree with LexiCat and others who have said to contact the DV folks and let them help steer you thru this. I'm sure there are things that haven't thought of that might make this transition MUCH easier for you. You can call annonymously ..... and it could help with many unforeseen problems that could occur.
I know it will be hard for you to stay calm until Friday.... but mums the word.
Personally, I wouldn't tell him ANYTHING... he will know soon enough. What good would it do to tell him? It can go one of two ways.....either turn things physical again or he will turn on the charm and you may let your guard down.
I know from experience.... I was in an abusive relationship when I was 19-20 years old (seems like MANY moons ago now, but the last incident is still fresh in my memory)
My abuser held me captive in our apartment for 3 days. Wouldn't let me near the door and threatened me with a hammer. I spent most of those 3 days in bed, curled up in a ball against the wall so all he could hit was my back!! When I DID see the chance of escape was when a friend of his pulled up to visit ... I heard the muffler on his truck.... I made it to the door and ran out as HE was coming in. Barely made it to my car before the crazy man was on my heels. Believe it or not, we had to park in a church parking lot and this happened as church was letting out on a sunday....so MANY people saw the incident but no one called for help. Ended up with him getting my hood open in a split second and yanking a wire off my car so it wouldn't start. somewhere in the scuffle he tried to bite me in the face and I knocked his front tooth out. It was actually an accident but just fueled the fire..... ended up having to drive him to a nearby town to his buddys house..... the whole trip I had a knife held to my throat and was hit and threatened. Ithe things that cross your mind when you are numb..... I won't go in to..
Much more to the story, but what I wanted to say is that when I finally got my own place, he followed me home from work and then knew exactly where I lived. He visited my neighbors before I even met them and introduced himself as my husband and their new neighbor. by the time I met my neighbors, he had already swooned them into thinking I was a crazy woman.
Just be careful..... I know you are thrilled about your new place, but take things slowly and be on high alert right now and after you move on Friday. Always lock your car even when its in your driveway.....make sure your windows on your new place are all either locked or have bars in the tracks...... do not let your guard down. The more you can get "on record" about previous abuse the better. The DV people can really help you know all the ins and outs.
Be safe! I applaud you for your courage! I know how hard it is to take this first step.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Come Friday afternoon when the calls and texts start coming, I will be on high alert, I am now but will be more so then. I am not sure how to handle the kids, do I let him see them or not?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
I have no children so I'm not sure about letting him see them. Maybe someone else on SR can give you personal advice on that one..... Most likely he will use the kids as a "tool" to get at you.... I would seek legal advice regarding the children.... and like I say, the more you get on "record" regarding the abuse, the better your chance or supervised visitation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Originally Posted by NeedHappiness
you know, I just thought of a good idea....could the kids visit their grandma or someone else for the weekend so that you can get things organized in your new place?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Please, PLEASE call the DV experts. The stuff involving the children add a whole layer of complication. I know how anxious you are to leave. There is a lot of stuff to take care of and process. I am very concerned that if you try to do it on your own you may be putting yourself AND the children in danger.
Maybe it would be safest for you to transition somehow to a shelter just for a few days. Maybe it's fine to move directly to your new home. But children are very easily manipulated. I have handled a case where, in spite of warnings to the kids, the abuser was able to trick the children into disclosing where the mother and kids were staying and then one child was snatched by the abuser, causing the mother to return home to protect the child. The mother was horrifically abused (think torture) as "punishment." And this was by a middle-class guy who had a prior history of "only" emotional/economic abuse.
You do NOT need to do this on your own. It is much, much wiser and safer for you to rely on experts to help you. Please at least TALK to them.
Maybe it would be safest for you to transition somehow to a shelter just for a few days. Maybe it's fine to move directly to your new home. But children are very easily manipulated. I have handled a case where, in spite of warnings to the kids, the abuser was able to trick the children into disclosing where the mother and kids were staying and then one child was snatched by the abuser, causing the mother to return home to protect the child. The mother was horrifically abused (think torture) as "punishment." And this was by a middle-class guy who had a prior history of "only" emotional/economic abuse.
You do NOT need to do this on your own. It is much, much wiser and safer for you to rely on experts to help you. Please at least TALK to them.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by myfreedom
Have appt in morning with DV. Will update after
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
I am feeling good this morning. He wrote me some poems that creeped me out. I THINK I AM READY to finally say i am done with all of this and want a new life. My daughter said to me last night, "daddy is being nice now but if you start to then he is going to go back to being mean again". If. an eleven yr old gets it, then damn, i can too.......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I think of you every day myfreedom. I am praying for you this morning, happy that you're meeting with the DV people. I want you out of this situation, but I don't want you to do this alone either.
Stay in touch with us....you have a world wide prayer army on this site that are thinking of you. (((BIG HUGS)))
Stay in touch with us....you have a world wide prayer army on this site that are thinking of you. (((BIG HUGS)))
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