@$&@%#*
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I know I am protecting him and it disgusts me. I actually feel sorry for him, wtf is wrong with me?"
You are very codependent and a adult child of an addict. 50% of us either become addicts ourselves or have relationships with them.
Please get some help before he really beats the crap out of you or your child. This is no way for anyone to live. Until you get healthy, nothing will change and your inability to move forward will adversely impact your child....forever, you are indirectly saying "Physical/verbal
abuse is ok" this is what your child will believe, please don't do this to your innocent child, it is so unfair.
You are very codependent and a adult child of an addict. 50% of us either become addicts ourselves or have relationships with them.
Please get some help before he really beats the crap out of you or your child. This is no way for anyone to live. Until you get healthy, nothing will change and your inability to move forward will adversely impact your child....forever, you are indirectly saying "Physical/verbal
abuse is ok" this is what your child will believe, please don't do this to your innocent child, it is so unfair.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
Call the lawyer - please keep us posted by pm or otherwise. You can do this. I know it is frightening; but you can do this..you have taken great strides today. Be safe, be smart. Hide nothing from the lawyer. The lawyer will know what steps you need to take and what order to take them in.
may peace be with you
may peace be with you
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
I called several lawyers and all want 300 plus dollars and hour just to talk to you. Im surebthere has to be some around here that do kinda a pro bono type deal, i juat need to find one. I went to my friends and she is off tomorrow so she is going to sit down and help me research everything. She was very upset and angry at him. I love her to death, I cant believe she is so willing to help me. Her lease is up soon so she even offered to move in a place with me and help with my daughter. I also talked to my dad (he is sober for now), I didnt go into detail about everythibg juat that I couldnt stay with abf anymore. I expected an arguement becauae he is very set in if you have a kid you stay together but he understood ans didnt push for more details. He told me if it was really what I wanted that he would help me get a place and with anything else he could. And lastly I came clean to my aunt, she is pribably my most trusted family member. She was understanding and mad and also said she would help anyway she could. It feels good to know that others know now.
He has called me a billion times today trying to be mr perfect saying he was just checkingpe on me and what not. I am past sad now and quite frankly just angry. I hope ot stays that way cause my anger is a great motivator. Whatever, I am going to do.my best to keep the peace until I get some stuff in order. This was my final line, I just cant do it anymore.
He has called me a billion times today trying to be mr perfect saying he was just checkingpe on me and what not. I am past sad now and quite frankly just angry. I hope ot stays that way cause my anger is a great motivator. Whatever, I am going to do.my best to keep the peace until I get some stuff in order. This was my final line, I just cant do it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
So very proud of you; and more importantly it sound like you are proud of yourself! In my area - DV will get you no fee (or sliding scale fee - depending on your situation) lawyer.
Also Legal Aid does the same. This is their nationwide link.
or call Call 1-888-534-1432
Among other things - they handle Domestic violence and stalking, including protection orders and Family Law, including divorce and child support, custody, etc.
Also Legal Aid does the same. This is their nationwide link.
or call Call 1-888-534-1432
Among other things - they handle Domestic violence and stalking, including protection orders and Family Law, including divorce and child support, custody, etc.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you call the local DV hotline, they have advocates who can help you with getting a restraining order, safety planning, and finding a lawyer if you need one. Some law schools have clinics where they can represent you for free.
The DV hotline is your very best resource--they can provide a TON of help--all you have to do is call.
The DV hotline is your very best resource--they can provide a TON of help--all you have to do is call.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sadconfused,
Wish I could give you lots of hugs right now (irl), can only give cyber hugs,
I remember the time my ex grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the ground. Then right after he did that, he went to sleep. Didn't give a d@mn about what he did. I called my DV shelter, and went there. They took pics of my bruises. Yep, the ex called and called some more. Apologized so many times starting at 6 in the morning, continuing all day long. So I went back home. Had a doc appt the next day. He took off from work to take me there. I wore a turtleneck that day. He wouldn't come in to the building with me.
The reason why I had a doc appt was because of the ptsd that I was developing from my marriage. I showed my doc the bruises on my neck. Made sure that he noted it in his records.
Left doctors office. More apologies. He took me out to eat, more apologies. Stayed good for about 2 months.
Why am I telling you this? Well after that first time (oh, actually second time, first was 10 years prior), he just got worse and worse.
I thought that he would get better because he actually saw what he did to me. He just became more blaming, and more drunk, and more violent.
Please do not believe his apologies. They will only last till his next drink, maybe not even till then
Just wanted to add this: I stayed another 4 years. He hit me more. I went to the hospital once, should have went about another 2 -3 times.
He had no consequenses from the one I talked about above, he did from the time that I went to the hospital, but that didn't stop him either.
Once they cross that line, it just keeps going, and gets worse. Please do whatever you can to stay safe, and keep your child safe
Wish I could give you lots of hugs right now (irl), can only give cyber hugs,
I remember the time my ex grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the ground. Then right after he did that, he went to sleep. Didn't give a d@mn about what he did. I called my DV shelter, and went there. They took pics of my bruises. Yep, the ex called and called some more. Apologized so many times starting at 6 in the morning, continuing all day long. So I went back home. Had a doc appt the next day. He took off from work to take me there. I wore a turtleneck that day. He wouldn't come in to the building with me.
The reason why I had a doc appt was because of the ptsd that I was developing from my marriage. I showed my doc the bruises on my neck. Made sure that he noted it in his records.
Left doctors office. More apologies. He took me out to eat, more apologies. Stayed good for about 2 months.
Why am I telling you this? Well after that first time (oh, actually second time, first was 10 years prior), he just got worse and worse.
I thought that he would get better because he actually saw what he did to me. He just became more blaming, and more drunk, and more violent.
Please do not believe his apologies. They will only last till his next drink, maybe not even till then
Just wanted to add this: I stayed another 4 years. He hit me more. I went to the hospital once, should have went about another 2 -3 times.
He had no consequenses from the one I talked about above, he did from the time that I went to the hospital, but that didn't stop him either.
Once they cross that line, it just keeps going, and gets worse. Please do whatever you can to stay safe, and keep your child safe
Last edited by amy55; 01-28-2013 at 07:15 PM. Reason: Wanted to add
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Thank you for all the kind words, everyone. I am kinda proud of myself, I am also nervous, scared, and stressed. He is still playing the Mr nice guy. He said yesterday he was going to stop drinking, he came home with one 22 oz and acted as if I was suppose to praise him. He is pretty much kissing butt, he did the dishes, has hugged me a million times and wanted to hang out and watch tv after the kid went to bed. I have been playing along just to keep the peace, though hugging him makes me nauseous. I know its all loes, I keep telling myself it hasnt changed this is just a calm before another strom. I wish I had just calles the cops the other night ans it would have all been over. I am going to call the hotline today so I can get some resources together and mainly so it reminds me how serious this is. As the days pass it seems to lose its shock value and I find myself falling back into hia trap.I wish I could just tell him to leave without it causing a war. He says he is sorry but you can honestly look at him and tell its not that big of a deal to him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm proud of you for whatever steps you can take to eventually get free of this mess.
I worked many years in law enforcement, and I'm still involved with it peripherally (specifically DV-related), so I'm a big advocate of calling the police, but I also know that can be dangerous if it isn't handled correctly (on their end, that is--most departments these days have advocates they can contact for you but some do a better job of it than others). That's why I suggested the advocate to help with planning, since this particular assault was over. You can still press charges if you like, but you may want to talk with someone first. Please, though, if you are in any immediate danger, call 911 first, and someone can help you further from there.
I worked many years in law enforcement, and I'm still involved with it peripherally (specifically DV-related), so I'm a big advocate of calling the police, but I also know that can be dangerous if it isn't handled correctly (on their end, that is--most departments these days have advocates they can contact for you but some do a better job of it than others). That's why I suggested the advocate to help with planning, since this particular assault was over. You can still press charges if you like, but you may want to talk with someone first. Please, though, if you are in any immediate danger, call 911 first, and someone can help you further from there.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
DV is NOT ACCEPTABLE!
You need to get this jerk away from both you and your child. How many more times will it take for you to realize that? The next time you may not be able to ask for help after he attacks you.
It sounds like you are not married and are living with your folks. He needs to get kicked out of the house and you need to go Non Contact IMMEDIATELY!!!
Please get the help you need before it happens again.
It sounds like you are not married and are living with your folks. He needs to get kicked out of the house and you need to go Non Contact IMMEDIATELY!!!
Please get the help you need before it happens again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Sadconfused,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how difficult it is to make that call. It gives the situation a reality you may not be ready to accept. I know that for me it was such a huge relief to talk to someone. I am glad to read that you recognize how time can sometimes minimize the shock value and you fall back into things the way they were. This is part of a cycle that is important for you to recognize. Good for you.
It does not lose its shock value for those outside your situation reading what you are going through. Imagine that your dearest friend, someone who you care about very much, is experiencing what you are with your A. What would you tell that friend?
It's time to be your own best friend and acknowledge that this is completely unacceptable. You've received some good advice here. It comes from people who get it and people who care about you and your child.
Keep us posted.
You are very much in my thoughts.
Hugs
MamaKit
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how difficult it is to make that call. It gives the situation a reality you may not be ready to accept. I know that for me it was such a huge relief to talk to someone. I am glad to read that you recognize how time can sometimes minimize the shock value and you fall back into things the way they were. This is part of a cycle that is important for you to recognize. Good for you.
It does not lose its shock value for those outside your situation reading what you are going through. Imagine that your dearest friend, someone who you care about very much, is experiencing what you are with your A. What would you tell that friend?
It's time to be your own best friend and acknowledge that this is completely unacceptable. You've received some good advice here. It comes from people who get it and people who care about you and your child.
Keep us posted.
You are very much in my thoughts.
Hugs
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
Sending you good vibes today..I thought of you several times today. I understand that these steps are huge..that the realness of it means there is no way to back pedal..no way to excuse it (at least it was for me) . Hoping you stay strong in your resolve my friend. You can do this.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Seems like one min I am ok and at peace with the decision I have to and had made and the next min I am in an almost full blown panic attack. Im dealing with it though I suppose a second at a time. I still havent made anymore calls, I am stalling and scared to call the hotline. I dont know what to say, the thought of an outsider scares me a lot. He is still drinking of course. The first night just a couple and last night it doubled. By the end of the week the mr perfect will have completely faded and tension will start building again. I feel like even with the little progress I've made, that I have still let him get by with it again. He thinks all is well and we have made up or something which is my fault for not expressing.my real feelings and just putting on a face like everything is fine. I realized last night that I have spoiled him, let me get by with murder so many times that when I dont he blows up like a rebelious teen. Its just scary to know that when I do stand my ground that it could end very very bad. It will be ok while he is sober during the day but at night once he is drinking he is going to be a very dangerous person. It really is a big mind @#$% that he isbso rational and normal during the day and plain crazy when drunk. It builds a sense of security that isnt real and then your still shocked when its ripped from under you no matter how many times it happens. Baby steps I suppose, maybe I will gain the courage to call today. I also must find a job like yesterday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
Wow, sadconfused - sorry you and your kid are in such a wretched situation.
Just want to echo that the ONLY WAY anything will change is if something changes, and likely it is going to be you who has to make the change. Sounds like you are on the precipice - good. Sometimes the devil you don't know is FAR FAR better than the devil you do know. That you have a kid to protect/raise/teach/nurture is a huge responsibility. I hope that you have the strength to continue to take steps forward, and away from this guy who thinks physical violence is acceptable.
PLEASE take care of yourself, and your child. ((hug)) You both deserve to be treated well!
Just want to echo that the ONLY WAY anything will change is if something changes, and likely it is going to be you who has to make the change. Sounds like you are on the precipice - good. Sometimes the devil you don't know is FAR FAR better than the devil you do know. That you have a kid to protect/raise/teach/nurture is a huge responsibility. I hope that you have the strength to continue to take steps forward, and away from this guy who thinks physical violence is acceptable.
PLEASE take care of yourself, and your child. ((hug)) You both deserve to be treated well!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear SadConfused, I just want to tell you that you don't have to KNOW what to say ahead of time when you call the hotline. You just have to dial the phone and say that you want to talk to someone. They know the questions t ask. These workers are are extensively trained and very dedicated to the clients they serve. They CARE about you and understand your fears and confusion.
You will find that they are very kind and campassionate and are not going to criticize you or force you to do anything you do not want to. They have seen every kind of situation that you can imagine, so they are not going to shock them in any way.
They have all the resources at their disposal and can save you a lot of work and effort.
I would suggest that you call from a safe phone and a safe and private place (where you are free to talk). Anything you say is kept strictly confidential. They will protect your privacy.
Go ahead and call. I know you are scared, right now---but, after you talk to them, you will feel a weight lift because you will feel like you are not facing this alone!
very sincerely, dandylion
p.s. Keep posting and let us know how it is going
You will find that they are very kind and campassionate and are not going to criticize you or force you to do anything you do not want to. They have seen every kind of situation that you can imagine, so they are not going to shock them in any way.
They have all the resources at their disposal and can save you a lot of work and effort.
I would suggest that you call from a safe phone and a safe and private place (where you are free to talk). Anything you say is kept strictly confidential. They will protect your privacy.
Go ahead and call. I know you are scared, right now---but, after you talk to them, you will feel a weight lift because you will feel like you are not facing this alone!
very sincerely, dandylion
p.s. Keep posting and let us know how it is going
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 85
Oh honey!! So pi$$ed on your behalf right now 
Please PLEASE call that DV hotline. It sounds like you have some safe places for you and your child to go for the moment. Maybe you could leave while he isn't there and have a few days to collect yourself and call the hotline from somewhere safe? Because people like him are natural disasters. They will blow around and blow over a million times. Until they don't and they can ruin your life. And, how long is it before your child will be in the line of fire?
As far as what to say to the people on the hotline - I am positive that they have heard stories worse than you could even dream of. They are there to help you and advocate for you, and you owe it to yourself and your child to be free of this fear.
Good luck! I will be keeping an eye on your posts and hoping for a safe end to this situation!
Please PLEASE call that DV hotline. It sounds like you have some safe places for you and your child to go for the moment. Maybe you could leave while he isn't there and have a few days to collect yourself and call the hotline from somewhere safe? Because people like him are natural disasters. They will blow around and blow over a million times. Until they don't and they can ruin your life. And, how long is it before your child will be in the line of fire?As far as what to say to the people on the hotline - I am positive that they have heard stories worse than you could even dream of. They are there to help you and advocate for you, and you owe it to yourself and your child to be free of this fear.
Good luck! I will be keeping an eye on your posts and hoping for a safe end to this situation!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Let me repeat--calling the DV hotline commits you to NOTHING. You don't have to take their advice, they aren't going to call the police against your wishes. Nothing will happen unless you decide you want to take some action after talking to them and thinking it over thoroughly.
OK? This is a can't-lose situation, making that call. Yes, do it from a private place where you have time to talk for a bit. All you are doing is getting good information and advice, you aren't making any decisions YET.
Please do it--we are all very concerned about you.
OK? This is a can't-lose situation, making that call. Yes, do it from a private place where you have time to talk for a bit. All you are doing is getting good information and advice, you aren't making any decisions YET.
Please do it--we are all very concerned about you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
It is safe (the DV) hotline; just like here. None of us are judging or trying to tell you what to do with your life - we just care, so very much. It has to be your decision, every moment of every day; but you can continue the life you live now - or you can try to better it. Either way you will find support on SR and DV Hotline. I hate that you are going through this day in and day out. I hate that your heart is torn, that you are afraid and that you are bruised.
I read our responses to you and they seem so harsh and direct, bossy almost; but it is only because we are frightened for you, we hurt with you, and we see hope for you.
Hugs my dear.
Trish
I read our responses to you and they seem so harsh and direct, bossy almost; but it is only because we are frightened for you, we hurt with you, and we see hope for you.
Hugs my dear.
Trish
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