@$&@%#*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Here's a possible way to think about it. When things are "good" and he is sober, that's a safe time to make plans about how to take care of yourself and your kids when things go "bad".
Let the panic come, and let it go, and then say, well if it got bad one evening later this week, what plans do I want to have in place to get me and my kids out safely?
Simple things like having an extra car key and house key, hidden outside where you can quickly leave the house and take the car AWAY from him. Maybe a cheap cell phone that has pre-paid minutes on it so you can always call someone, call 911 if you need to. Maybe a suitcase with emergency clothes and medicine for you and your kids, stored with a friend. Maybe a new credit card in your name only with as high a credit limit as you can get, using a friend's address. Maybe a stash of cash - $200, or as much as you can get -NOT in the house.
Let the panic come, and let it go, and in the meantime, take little steps here and there to protect yourself and your kids. Think of it like a school that does fire drills with the kids.
I really echo what everybody else is saying - this guy is a loose cannon, and you just don't know what is going to light his fuse. If you're seeing the drinking escalate, and the tension start to build, please please take care of you and yours. He just won't be able to, as much as, in his best moments, he might wish he could. If he were in his right mind, this is what he would do for you if someone else threatened you this way.
Keep us posted, we're here for you whatever you decide to do,
ShootingStar1
Let the panic come, and let it go, and then say, well if it got bad one evening later this week, what plans do I want to have in place to get me and my kids out safely?
Simple things like having an extra car key and house key, hidden outside where you can quickly leave the house and take the car AWAY from him. Maybe a cheap cell phone that has pre-paid minutes on it so you can always call someone, call 911 if you need to. Maybe a suitcase with emergency clothes and medicine for you and your kids, stored with a friend. Maybe a new credit card in your name only with as high a credit limit as you can get, using a friend's address. Maybe a stash of cash - $200, or as much as you can get -NOT in the house.
Let the panic come, and let it go, and in the meantime, take little steps here and there to protect yourself and your kids. Think of it like a school that does fire drills with the kids.
I really echo what everybody else is saying - this guy is a loose cannon, and you just don't know what is going to light his fuse. If you're seeing the drinking escalate, and the tension start to build, please please take care of you and yours. He just won't be able to, as much as, in his best moments, he might wish he could. If he were in his right mind, this is what he would do for you if someone else threatened you this way.
Keep us posted, we're here for you whatever you decide to do,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Sadconfused 
Seems like one min I am ok and at peace with the decision I have to and had made and the next min I am in an almost full blown panic attack. Im dealing with it though I suppose a second at a time. I still havent made anymore calls, I am stalling and scared to call the hotline. I dont know what to say, the thought of an outsider scares me a lot.
He is still drinking of course. The first night just a couple and last night it doubled. By the end of the week the mr perfect will have completely faded and tension will start building again.
I feel like even with the little progress I've made, that I have still let him get by with it again. He thinks all is well and we have made up or something which is my fault for not expressing.my real feelings and just putting on a face like everything is fine. I realized last night that I have spoiled him, let me get by with murder so many times that when I dont he blows up like a rebelious teen.
Its just scary to know that when I do stand my ground that it could end very very bad. It will be ok while he is sober during the day but at night once he is drinking he is going to be a very dangerous person.
It really is a big mind @#$% that he isbso rational and normal during the day and plain crazy when drunk. It builds a sense of security that isnt real and then your still shocked when its ripped from under you no matter how many times it happens. Baby steps I suppose, maybe I will gain the courage to call today. I also must find a job like yesterday.
He is still drinking of course. The first night just a couple and last night it doubled. By the end of the week the mr perfect will have completely faded and tension will start building again.
I feel like even with the little progress I've made, that I have still let him get by with it again. He thinks all is well and we have made up or something which is my fault for not expressing.my real feelings and just putting on a face like everything is fine. I realized last night that I have spoiled him, let me get by with murder so many times that when I dont he blows up like a rebelious teen.
Its just scary to know that when I do stand my ground that it could end very very bad. It will be ok while he is sober during the day but at night once he is drinking he is going to be a very dangerous person.
It really is a big mind @#$% that he isbso rational and normal during the day and plain crazy when drunk. It builds a sense of security that isnt real and then your still shocked when its ripped from under you no matter how many times it happens. Baby steps I suppose, maybe I will gain the courage to call today. I also must find a job like yesterday.
I also was very afraid to make that first call. I carried that number around with me for about 2 weeks. Well the time that he grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the floor was actually after a month long fight. He was either running away from home, and not coming home for days, or coming home, drinking and raging at me. I called during one of his times that he ran away from home, I was lonely, and I needed validation that I was not crazy. They did calm me down, and I learned to trust them from that one phone call.
My ex never really did go on good behavior, I considered it more like he was just trying to get back into my good graces. Once he thought I was ok, or he thought I should have been ok, he went right back to the nasty person that he was.
I felt that the more progress I made, the more he needed to put me down. He actually did tell me that he will never give up the "one-up" that he had on me. As long as I kept that smile on my face and did what he wanted me to do, he was fine, except for sometimes when he was drinking. The reason I say "except for the times he was drinking", is because he no longer needed to drink to act the way he acted.
I was getting stronger, and I was able to look at him when he got like this, I was able to see a total change come over him. It started in his eyes, they went completely dead. It was like he was looking at me but couldn't see me. His eyes were dead, like "shark eyes". He would get totally arrogant, haughty like, narcisstic, he no longer cared what he said or what he did. He wasn't "there" anymore. I didn't know this person anymore.
He actually once told a therapist that if I am angry or upset (trying to be strong), that it just made him mad, and he couldn't control the rage.
I sometimes felt that when he was mad at me, that I reacted to it less, because at least I knew what to expect. I still find it hard to believe that my nerves were the worse, when he was trying to be nice, because I never knew what would set him off.
I can totally relate to your post.
Did you know that DV can help you with job training and finding a job?
A lot of times I respond with my own experiences, because I in no way want to say that I know exactly what you are going through.
But, your story sounds similar to mine, so take what you need, and leave the rest.
The stronger you get, the more he will try to exercise control over you.
You got a lot of good advice here. I wish when I was going through this, that I actually believed it. I didn't, I didn't want to, I was in complete denial. I belonged to a verbal abuse forum, and became too embarrassed to post after awhile. I wish now that I had believed it from the beginning.
One thing that forum did get me to do, was to open my eyes. This is when I started noting everything that was going on.
I had to leave my marriage 4 years ago, divorced for 2.
Keep posting, we are here for you and we are listening.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
1. If the bruises are visible still maybe you could have someone take pictures of them and keep them in a safe place. You don't have to use them, but if you have them you have options.
2. The DV hotlines were scary for me too. I felt if I called then it was real and I didn't want it to be real. But the DV hotline is a great help. If you want to talk they'll listen, if you want to listen they'll talk, if you want resources for help they've got phone numbers, and if you are ready to do some safety planning they'll help you with a plan personalized for you.
3. I attended a seminar on brain injuries two nights ago and learned that those with these injuries can behave normal and then snap into a dangerous rage without notice. The presenter related a story once where she was drawing with magic marker and her young daughter bumped her arm. She yelled at the poor girl for 20 minutes before calmly asking what was for dinner. She didn't understand why her behavior was bad, she thought it was perfectly understandable, her brain had to relearn that. Alcohol makes this part take front stage. (Her doctor says her recovery was miraculous. It took her 10 years to become functional in society again with a strong therapy program).
Not telling you this to convince you he has a brain injury, I'm just trying to say that you don't know what's going on in his head, there are so many reasons why you haven't been able to get him to stop. You need to focus on yourself and your children. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
4. Preparing to leave is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Make sure you are ready, you have a strong safety plan in place, and you can keep yourself and your children safe from him. You might also want to talk to your family, make sure they know what's been going on if they don't already, but be careful. Don't let them know any plans unless you're sure they'll be on board with your decision - you don't want to risk them letting it slip to ears that shouldn't hear it.
Be safe.
2. The DV hotlines were scary for me too. I felt if I called then it was real and I didn't want it to be real. But the DV hotline is a great help. If you want to talk they'll listen, if you want to listen they'll talk, if you want resources for help they've got phone numbers, and if you are ready to do some safety planning they'll help you with a plan personalized for you.
3. I attended a seminar on brain injuries two nights ago and learned that those with these injuries can behave normal and then snap into a dangerous rage without notice. The presenter related a story once where she was drawing with magic marker and her young daughter bumped her arm. She yelled at the poor girl for 20 minutes before calmly asking what was for dinner. She didn't understand why her behavior was bad, she thought it was perfectly understandable, her brain had to relearn that. Alcohol makes this part take front stage. (Her doctor says her recovery was miraculous. It took her 10 years to become functional in society again with a strong therapy program).
Not telling you this to convince you he has a brain injury, I'm just trying to say that you don't know what's going on in his head, there are so many reasons why you haven't been able to get him to stop. You need to focus on yourself and your children. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
4. Preparing to leave is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Make sure you are ready, you have a strong safety plan in place, and you can keep yourself and your children safe from him. You might also want to talk to your family, make sure they know what's been going on if they don't already, but be careful. Don't let them know any plans unless you're sure they'll be on board with your decision - you don't want to risk them letting it slip to ears that shouldn't hear it.
Be safe.
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