Help! Losing my resolve
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 11
Help! Losing my resolve
Not going to give the whole backstory here. Last night I told AH husband that I wanted to separate and I asked him to leave. After many hours of discussion (him trying to manipulate me and get me to change my mind) he stated that he was absolutely not leaving. I told him, "By tomorrow, either you leave or I'm leaving."
I thought this might happen, so I set up a place in advance for the kids and I to go. (if the kids wanted to come with me, which they do.) He could easily just go live with his mother.
So this morning I woke up to a long letter about how much he loves us and how he can't get better without us. Plus I really don't want to move into my friend's basement! I never actually thought he would refuse to leave.
I'm losing my resolve....help.....
I thought this might happen, so I set up a place in advance for the kids and I to go. (if the kids wanted to come with me, which they do.) He could easily just go live with his mother.
So this morning I woke up to a long letter about how much he loves us and how he can't get better without us. Plus I really don't want to move into my friend's basement! I never actually thought he would refuse to leave.
I'm losing my resolve....help.....
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Ugh. I am so sorry!!!
The only thing I have to offer you is how I have moved through the process when coming to a similar crossroads in my life. I realize that having those second thoughts is simply because I don't WANT to go through the hassle of making those necessary changes. Change is hard and painful at times. But the end goal is what I have to keep in mind...and in order to get there I have to get through a lonely dark tunnel. I accept that the tunnel is going to be difficult but temporary and then start on my journey one step at a time. One day at a time.
Without knowing you or your husband, my feeling is that when he sees you are serious and in fact obtaining the necessary boxes and luggage, etc., and beginning to pack, he will hopefully realize that the children's needs should come before his own and he will leave. Your words need to be backed up with action -- it's critical at this time--just as you expect his words to be backed up with action.
On the other hand, you could "wait and see" if his letter means anything at all. You can have another round on the ferris wheel if you want, but experience probably tells you that you will be in this very same spot a month from now. And then what? Might as well get started through that tunnel. It's a necessary part of the journey and it begins with acceptance.
The only thing I have to offer you is how I have moved through the process when coming to a similar crossroads in my life. I realize that having those second thoughts is simply because I don't WANT to go through the hassle of making those necessary changes. Change is hard and painful at times. But the end goal is what I have to keep in mind...and in order to get there I have to get through a lonely dark tunnel. I accept that the tunnel is going to be difficult but temporary and then start on my journey one step at a time. One day at a time.
Without knowing you or your husband, my feeling is that when he sees you are serious and in fact obtaining the necessary boxes and luggage, etc., and beginning to pack, he will hopefully realize that the children's needs should come before his own and he will leave. Your words need to be backed up with action -- it's critical at this time--just as you expect his words to be backed up with action.
On the other hand, you could "wait and see" if his letter means anything at all. You can have another round on the ferris wheel if you want, but experience probably tells you that you will be in this very same spot a month from now. And then what? Might as well get started through that tunnel. It's a necessary part of the journey and it begins with acceptance.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
In my experience once you set a boundary you have to keep it. That's why its best to know that you will before you say it.
If you don't keep your boundary you are setting yourself up for this merry go round again.
His decision to get better has nothing to do with you or the kids - its up to him only. Don't get pulled into being guilted that sobriety somehow has something to do with you it doesn't.
Keep posting - others will be along with more advice.
If you don't keep your boundary you are setting yourself up for this merry go round again.
His decision to get better has nothing to do with you or the kids - its up to him only. Don't get pulled into being guilted that sobriety somehow has something to do with you it doesn't.
Keep posting - others will be along with more advice.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I had to leave with myself and three kids. My alcoholic refused to budge.
I had to leave our dog and cat in his care at our family home. I left and did not tell him where we went. I did not contact him for 3 days.
After 3 days, I contacted him and told him I needed more time and space apart. I asked him to please find a temporary place to stay so that the kids and I could resume our normal routines as well as resume care of the family pets. He said he would look for a place.
24 hours later, we were back in the family home and he found a place to stay. We were there temporarily, but it gave us time to formulate a more permanent plan.
I had to leave our dog and cat in his care at our family home. I left and did not tell him where we went. I did not contact him for 3 days.
After 3 days, I contacted him and told him I needed more time and space apart. I asked him to please find a temporary place to stay so that the kids and I could resume our normal routines as well as resume care of the family pets. He said he would look for a place.
24 hours later, we were back in the family home and he found a place to stay. We were there temporarily, but it gave us time to formulate a more permanent plan.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
"So this morning I woke up to a long letter about how much he loves us and how he can't get better without us. Plus I really don't want to move into my friend's basement! I never actually thought he would refuse to leave."
I have got the same kind of letter. For my situation, it was nothing more then manipulation on his behalf but I wouldn't have believed it if someone had told me that. I had to learn the hard way and I am still learning. At the time, I still thought my AH was "different." Sadly, most addicts know us better then we know ourselves. And they will do anything to protect and sustain there addiction.
If you decide to stay, I hope you will start going to Alanon. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you decide to stay, you will have to accept your choices with no expectations, something that took me a while to learn. I played the victim too long, when in fact - I became a willing participant. Sadly children, have no voice in this situation.
Please remember that HIS recovery is inside job. You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can not cure it. Your actions will speak louder then your words.
P.S. I remember having this nagging feeling - if you truly loved me - then why are you making me leave?? I ignored that feeling. I was wrong and ha to learn to trust my instincts.
Have you read Codependent No More? It was a real eye opener for me! It was that book, that helped me put my own recovery of codependency into action.
I have got the same kind of letter. For my situation, it was nothing more then manipulation on his behalf but I wouldn't have believed it if someone had told me that. I had to learn the hard way and I am still learning. At the time, I still thought my AH was "different." Sadly, most addicts know us better then we know ourselves. And they will do anything to protect and sustain there addiction.
If you decide to stay, I hope you will start going to Alanon. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you decide to stay, you will have to accept your choices with no expectations, something that took me a while to learn. I played the victim too long, when in fact - I became a willing participant. Sadly children, have no voice in this situation.
Please remember that HIS recovery is inside job. You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can not cure it. Your actions will speak louder then your words.
P.S. I remember having this nagging feeling - if you truly loved me - then why are you making me leave?? I ignored that feeling. I was wrong and ha to learn to trust my instincts.
Have you read Codependent No More? It was a real eye opener for me! It was that book, that helped me put my own recovery of codependency into action.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Moving out now does not commit you forever. You can change your mind at a later date if it seems wise to do so.
Right now, you have a plan in place, you stated your intention, and I think it's important to carry out your plans. None of us has a crystal ball to know the outcome of any particular action we take. There are ALWAYS "what ifs". If you wait until you are certain what will happen, you would never make any decision or any change.
You have thought this through. If you don't do what you have said you would do, why should he take ANYTHING you say seriously? He views it as just another empty threat, just a manipulation by you to make him do something he clearly does not want to do.
Up to you, but I would consider the above carefully before you decide to give him one more chance.
Right now, you have a plan in place, you stated your intention, and I think it's important to carry out your plans. None of us has a crystal ball to know the outcome of any particular action we take. There are ALWAYS "what ifs". If you wait until you are certain what will happen, you would never make any decision or any change.
You have thought this through. If you don't do what you have said you would do, why should he take ANYTHING you say seriously? He views it as just another empty threat, just a manipulation by you to make him do something he clearly does not want to do.
Up to you, but I would consider the above carefully before you decide to give him one more chance.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
BTW, when I packed up and left, as I had said I would, I had my important personal stuff already stored in boxes at a friend's house, went to a motel for three days to get some space to plan, stayed at my brother's for one week while I found an apartment.
It all worked out fine. The alcoholic never got sober, but I was out of the insanity.
It all worked out fine. The alcoholic never got sober, but I was out of the insanity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 6
As my ever wise youngest child once said to me, "I guess you just have to go through the shock of that first cold dip into the swimming pool to be able to have all of the fun you're going to have once you're in the pool".
Sorry to hear that it's come to this, a situation that I play out in my mind on a regular basis but have yet to find the courage to enact upon. I admire your resolve and as has been said before, the first step doesn't dictate the rest of your life, it just gives you a platform from where you can start planning the rest of your life.
Sorry to hear that it's come to this, a situation that I play out in my mind on a regular basis but have yet to find the courage to enact upon. I admire your resolve and as has been said before, the first step doesn't dictate the rest of your life, it just gives you a platform from where you can start planning the rest of your life.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The thing is, talk is cheap, it means nothing. Most alcoholics will go to great lengths to hang on to enablers because we make it much easier for them to drink. At the heart of both codependency and alcoholism are denial and justification, the reason it is so difficult to leave. I recommend Alanon, which made it possible for me the support I needed to leave.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by Trambler 
As my ever wise youngest child once said to me, "I guess you just have to go through the shock of that first cold dip into the swimming pool to be able to have all of the fun you're going to have once you're in the pool".
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
On Wednesday I told my AH I was leaving after a "relapse". I put relapse in quotations because I haven't seen active recovery as far as I can tell, rather a few days of abstinence, a few meetings and then back to the bottle. I went to my moms and made arrangements for seperation.
On Saturday, my AH also told me that he wanted to get sober with me in the house and that he needed my support. He tried to make me feel guilty that I was leaving him in his darkest hour and how he was looking forward to a new life in sobriety and couples counseling.
Later on Saturday I came home to share my boundaries with AH and see what his plan was going to be for recovery.
He was drunk when I got there.
I stayed around for just a bit because I didn't know what to do. A few hours later he took the dog for a walk and bought beer on the way.
I think actions are more important that words. One of my boundaries is that I will not live with an active alcoholic. Until I can see sobriety, I will not be under the same roof.
I stated my boundary and left. It felt really really good to uphold a boundary and protect myself. I slept better last night than I have in weeks.
Highly recommend the boundary keeping! It'll feel good
On Saturday, my AH also told me that he wanted to get sober with me in the house and that he needed my support. He tried to make me feel guilty that I was leaving him in his darkest hour and how he was looking forward to a new life in sobriety and couples counseling.
Later on Saturday I came home to share my boundaries with AH and see what his plan was going to be for recovery.
He was drunk when I got there.
I stayed around for just a bit because I didn't know what to do. A few hours later he took the dog for a walk and bought beer on the way.
I think actions are more important that words. One of my boundaries is that I will not live with an active alcoholic. Until I can see sobriety, I will not be under the same roof.
I stated my boundary and left. It felt really really good to uphold a boundary and protect myself. I slept better last night than I have in weeks.
Highly recommend the boundary keeping! It'll feel good
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 11
Well, he refused to leave, so the kids and I packed for one night and left to spend the night at a friends house. I left a note saying we would be back at noon to pack the rest of our stuff if he was still there. I spoke with his brother last night, who was going to go to the house and try to convince him to leave, at least for the sake of the children.
My heart is breaking. I'm not angry...just so, so sad.
My heart is breaking. I'm not angry...just so, so sad.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 11
He did end up leaving the next day. I came back at noon (the kids did not want to come) and he was home, waiting to say goodbye. We both cried and cried, we hugged, exchanged "I love you" and he left.
It's been 5 days now and I'm still not sure how I feel. Just sort of "fine". I guess I thought the change would be more dramatic. The kids say they are fine but I know there is a lot of underlying pain there. I do have to admit that we are all more relaxed.
I'm not sure what to do now. I haven't been without him in 22 years. I have no clue how to get on with my life.
It's been 5 days now and I'm still not sure how I feel. Just sort of "fine". I guess I thought the change would be more dramatic. The kids say they are fine but I know there is a lot of underlying pain there. I do have to admit that we are all more relaxed.
I'm not sure what to do now. I haven't been without him in 22 years. I have no clue how to get on with my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
hey Dekalb - Glad to hear he went peacefully - Nice to know things are (as expected) more relaxed.
What to do? 22 years is a longtime its gonna take time to readjust. I might start by thinking about all the things I couldn't do when he was there and drinking and start with that.
I am sure others will be along with more experience in how they coped with this drastic change.
What to do? 22 years is a longtime its gonna take time to readjust. I might start by thinking about all the things I couldn't do when he was there and drinking and start with that.
I am sure others will be along with more experience in how they coped with this drastic change.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think for the kids, especially, you want to keep their routines as normal as possible. No big changes right away. They may not be as "fine" as they say--I'm sure they will adjust, but this is a huge change and they might be reluctant to talk about how they are feeling. You might want to see how they'd feel about talking to a counselor at school--someone they don't have to worry about upsetting (the way they might be concerned about worrying you). Alateen might be another good resource for them--to talk with other kids in similar situations.
As for yourself, give yourself a little room to breathe. You just undertook a massive change, yourself, and even the best changes can be disconcerting at times. Al-Anon can help. Use some of that peaceful time in the evenings to do a little planning for what you want in your life. Decide what your priorities are and focus on those.
Hugs, proud of you.
As for yourself, give yourself a little room to breathe. You just undertook a massive change, yourself, and even the best changes can be disconcerting at times. Al-Anon can help. Use some of that peaceful time in the evenings to do a little planning for what you want in your life. Decide what your priorities are and focus on those.
Hugs, proud of you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
when I left my alcoholic husband, my youngest had just turned 13. I asked her how she felt and got a shoulder shrug and "I don't know".
I suggested she use basic words to describe her feelings: like sad, mad, glad, scared, etc.
She chose "sad".
I was then able to share with her that I thought that was a normal feeling. I assured her that she is okay. That her feelings are okay.
So how are you feeling Dekalb?
I suggested she use basic words to describe her feelings: like sad, mad, glad, scared, etc.
She chose "sad".
I was then able to share with her that I thought that was a normal feeling. I assured her that she is okay. That her feelings are okay.
So how are you feeling Dekalb?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 11
I haven't made any big changes yet. Trying to keep the routine for a while. Our lives, sadly, have hardly changed at all because he was an isolating alcoholic and didn't spend much time with us anyway.
I did sign us up for some family counseling. I told the kids, "The fact that your father moved out and you say you are perfectly fine IS the problem." Unfortunately, there is no Alateen our area, so hopefully the counseling will help.
As for myself, I just feel sort of numb inside.
I did sign us up for some family counseling. I told the kids, "The fact that your father moved out and you say you are perfectly fine IS the problem." Unfortunately, there is no Alateen our area, so hopefully the counseling will help.
As for myself, I just feel sort of numb inside.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 11
And one more thing...I'm a little concerned that he didn't take me seriously about not coming back for a while. Not coming back until he was in some serious recovery. I found his toiletries in his bathroom drawer yesterday and realized that when he left, he must have only taken his travel kit. This worries me a little.
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