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Old 06-12-2012, 10:10 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I must be missing something. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU invite him to be a part of your birthday? After all that has gone on between the two of you, what gives him the VAGUEST idea that this is even in the realm of possibilities???
WTBH has speculated that her STBXAH is also possibly a clinical narcissist/sociopath. These guys are dangerous, not only because they lack respect for the social contract, but because they also focus heavily on revenge and retribution. The alcoholism makes it *that* much more chaotic and unpredictable.
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:24 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
I must be missing something. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU invite him to be a part of your birthday? After all that has gone on between the two of you, what gives him the VAGUEST idea that this is even in the realm of possibilities???
I think you mistook what I was saying... I would NEVER ever invite him. I have not given him the slightest inclination that is an option. I am saying that his behavior around events- holidays, birthdays etc... tends to be crazier than normal and always has been and that as I have identified for some time with him, the MORE I keep clear boundaries in place and the less interaction of any sort I have with him, the harder he tries to involve himself.

I guess I was playing pop psychologist a bit. It is my guess that he expected me to want him involved in my birthday and when that did not happen he decided to take matters into his own hands. That's just my guess. That's all I was saying.
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
why is your BEST FRIEND having conversations with your EX? and why would ANY of your friends and family have anything to do with him either? it seems TO ME, that it should be a non-issue given the history.
To me it seems that none of my family or friends would have anything to do with him either. But that's not the way it's worked. I choose not to make myself crazy anymore being upset that my siblings choose to stay in touch with him. They do. That's their thing. I can't control them.

AH is friends with my best friends husband. Our families were all friends and they choose to stay in touch with him. From her message (I haven't actually talked to her yet) it sounds like AH has been texting her for info about my friends and how to contact them. She claims she has told him he shouldn't be planning anything and that I wouldn't want him to do that. I don't understand why a "hell no" isn't just her response and I guess at some point I will have to decide if being friends with her is really a safe choice.

As I have said on this thread already, he is VERY smooth and I think that even my "best friend" who knows all that he has done, is still swayed by the facade of being a "nice guy" that is his MO. How many men can convince COPS that they are the victim when their wife and kids are saying the opposite??!???!!!

I think it's hard to describe just how conniving and convincing and manipulative he is. It's not logical that anyone would stay in touch with him but remember, my own family is pretty messed up and my "best friend" is in an abusive marriage too so I kind of feel a bit like I'm the kid shouting "the emperor has no clothing" and everyone else is delusional....
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:32 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
I must be missing something. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU invite him to be a part of your birthday? After all that has gone on between the two of you, what gives him the VAGUEST idea that this is even in the realm of possibilities???
Came up with a clearer answer... Why would he have that idea? Because he's nuts! Because he's a narcissist who thinks that the world revolves around him. Because the idea of my wanting a life free of him is crazy to him. Because he's told me for years I'll regret what I "threw away" when I'd tell him I wanted him gone. He seems to believe my life is not complete without him in it and if I were a betting woman, I'd "bet" that this alleged "party" planning is coming from a place of "damn her-- she doesn't want me well I'll force myself on her".

Hopefully I made more sense this time than the first!
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:45 AM
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If it were me, I'd make reservations away that weekend for you and the girls. Pack Thursday after work and have the car ready to go. Grab the girls on Friday from school and GO!! Make it something fun for them and you both. If your family and friends think he's not the bad guy here THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!
Please don't take this wrong but by trying to contact everyone you think he may be inviting, you're cleaning up his mess that he created...or tried to. Please keep us posted on your decision. I've been keeping up with your posts since before the alleged assault and am really praying all this turns out for the best for you and the girls.
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:49 AM
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((WTBH))

just wanted to give you a little reassurance that someday others will SEE him for what he truly is ~ for YEARS my ex's family thought I was the mean controlling wife that would never allow him to have any $$, never let him have a vehicle, blah, blah, blah ~

the truth finally came out & they know now he had no $$ or vehicle because he spent it all on drugs/alcohol/gambling and the girls & I were struggling to have enough $$ to eat.

anyway ~ keep taking good care of YOU ~ time continues to reveal the truth & the real friends ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:54 AM
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Sorry just read about the girls' end of year party. What about going away right after that? I like Mike's idea of an over nighter at a hotel. Come home about 9pm Sunday evening?
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:58 AM
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He has them that Sunday but I think I will plan to take them to the friends party and then be elsewhere for the rest of the day and evening.

Good point about cleaning up his mess. My codie behavior makes me think I should contact folks and try to explain and apologize for any inconvenience he's caused them. But that's unhealthy.

The more I think about it the more I'm annoyed with alleged best friend for saying anything to me. If she knows (which obviously she does) that it's NOT something I want, why tell me about it?! That seems to me to be a cowardly way of ensuring SHE doesn't have to tell AH to knock it off. It feels like she just moved that responsibility to me. She's going to be in for a surprise I guess bc I am not replying to him or her frankly. They can all show up and have a party together and discuss how ungrateful I am I suppose. Ugh. Now I'm getting even more annoyed thinking about it and I think it's time that "best friend" get a piece of my mind". There's been a lot of nonsense with her in the past few months and I just reached the end of my patience.
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Old 06-12-2012, 11:02 AM
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In many cases, silence is way more powerful and dignified that a "piece of your mind." Just a little food for thought.

L
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Old 06-12-2012, 11:16 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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she lets her H beat her up and always takes him back...

AH is friends with my best friends husband...

AH has been texting her for info about my friends and how to contact them. She claims she has told him he shouldn't be planning anything and that I wouldn't want him to do that. I don't understand why a "hell no" isn't just her response...


Just a guess but the 2 AH's being friends could have a lot to do with the reason why.

Keep safe, however you decide to handle it. Reading of his surprise plans just for you and yours puts my entire system on alert.
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Old 06-12-2012, 12:01 PM
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Deep breath! You are working through this. Keep still and keep thinking.

Your friend has no recovery (or at least it doesn't sound like it). She can not make the same kinds of decisions that you can because you have come such a long way. Your first thought was to call all your family and friends but you stopped yourself. Her first thought was to call you, but she has no tools with which to look at things from a different perspective.

Just be careful around her and know what to expect. Creating more waves with her isn't really going to make any difference at this point. I like your earlier thought of just not contacting him, her, or anyone else. Go about your business, do some precautionary time out and about on Saturday, and let everyone else take care of themselves. You'll be blissful with your girls having done absolutely NOTHING to have caused one person to be in a tizzy. Don't let their spinning knock you off balance!
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Old 06-12-2012, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I think you mistook what I was saying... I would NEVER ever invite him. I have not given him the slightest inclination that is an option. I am saying that his behavior around events- holidays, birthdays etc... tends to be crazier than normal and always has been and that as I have identified for some time with him, the MORE I keep clear boundaries in place and the less interaction of any sort I have with him, the harder he tries to involve himself. I guess I was playing pop psychologist a bit. It is my guess that he expected me to want him involved in my birthday and when that did not happen he decided to take matters into his own hands. That's just my guess. That's all I was saying.
Makes sense. Scary sh*t!!!

Another possibility....that he is simply gathering all this contact information for some other (sinister) purpose. I don't put anything past him.

Just keep your radar up and, as always, be careful.
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Old 06-12-2012, 12:09 PM
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I am with LaTeeDa on the silence. Be silent on your plans with any and all friends.
The fact that he can and has convinced people of outrageous things is very very scary to me. He is excellent at being a convincing liar, and he is feeling invincible now. (I think after the circus he created and performed in front of his own children that got their mom arrested).
Please really consider being out of reach for him. Completely out of reach. Do not tell anyone anything and let this party go over like a lead balloon for him. If frenemy asks for any details, try not to be angry with her, it sounds like she has both of these @zzes on her, and she is frightened. Tell her you are not telling anyone what you are doing so your NAH cannot mess it up or some other crazy thing.
I just realized that my mother took the four of us to Holiday Inn for a "vacation" every once in a while. I remember those trips fondly, even if they were to get away. My mother actually relaxed and got in the pool with us. My mother had a beautiful smile, I wish I had seen it more often. But, the vacations were great! I still think of those days as some of the best of my childhood, and my childhood was kinda sucky.
Going to a hotel made it special.
I will be thinking of you and your girls and hope all of you are smiling and not thinking at all about narcissistic bullies who want to ruin everything because they "lost" something.

Beth
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Old 06-12-2012, 12:24 PM
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WTBH, I never give anyone a piece of my mind because I just don't have enough to be handing any out.
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Old 06-12-2012, 12:33 PM
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I just realized that my mother took the four of us to Holiday Inn for a "vacation" every once in a while. I remember those trips fondly, even if they were to get away. My mother actually relaxed and got in the pool with us. My mother had a beautiful smile, I wish I had seen it more often. But, the vacations were great! I still think of those days as some of the best of my childhood, and my childhood was kinda sucky.
Going to a hotel made it special.
Wow, I know I've been in an emotional spot lately, but this made me well up.
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Old 06-12-2012, 12:55 PM
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Gawd do I feel nutty- since posting initially ive run the gamut of reactions from Codie I'll call & fix it to steaming mad w zero compassion for my friend & losing sight of the reality that I was her last year; making excuses, thinking acts of manipulation were actual kindness bc I so badly wanted to believe it... And now I'm feeling calm again,SO Grateful for the wisdom & experience of all here. I've done the hotel thing w the girls more than I can count but it's always obvious it's bc I'm scared & upset. I'll be booking something tonight & itll be nothing but a fun adventure for the girls.

Thanks for all the perspective! Had I reacted initially as I planned to I'd surely be regretting it by now. I'm thankful for the advice from all of you!

PS. Typing on my phone SUCKS so forgive crazy autocorrect spelling errors please
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Old 06-12-2012, 02:10 PM
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Sounds like the 23rd would be a good day for you to have "other plans."

I'd do nothing. Just be totally unavailable that day.
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Old 06-12-2012, 04:26 PM
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I think he is trying to set you up again to be arrested. Personally, I would disappear for the day.
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Old 06-18-2012, 08:07 AM
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Any updates?

I hope the weekend was smooth and drama-free.
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:10 AM
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I would definitely be out of town that day.

But I would also probably put up on my Facebook something like: "Just booked a hotel for the weekend out of town with the girls to celebrate the end of the school year. We are all looking forward to it."

I wouldn't say where or give details. But it lets friends and family know there's a clash if he's planning a party or something in advance. They can contact you if they have questions.

If he's not planning anything, it's harmless.

If people show up at your door unaware you are out of town believing there's a surprise party for you, you don't look bad because you gave advance notice on being gone, how would you know he was doing this fool thing? You're divorced for g sake. He can't make you look bad.

I wonder if he really is planning a party--that's a lot of work. i think he's collecting information. The whole thing is creepy and unnerving, no doubt.
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