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how to reply to this?!?!?

Old 06-12-2012, 08:31 AM
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how to reply to this?!?!?

My best friend (not my sister, not any family member but a friend) just called me and left me a voicemail (since I am at work and couldn't grab my cell).

The message is this: AH has been contacting me for about two weeks and is planning something for you for June 23 (my 40th birthday was last month and he actually told me "I'd like to do something for you" to which I said "no". Thought that was the end of it). She left me the voicemail sounding a bit desperate saying that she's been trying to let him down easy and telling him I wouldn't want him to do that but he appears to not be listening and she thinks he is contacting my friends and family and trying to have them show up.

I know how smooth he is and I have NO doubt that he could probably convince people that he's doing this out of the goodness of his heart and that he will get people to show up and then he himself will feel it's okay to stay.

I am panicking right now. I forsee this blowing up and have no idea how to diffuse it. I do not want anyone showing up for some party at my house on the 23rd and I certainly don't want to be in a position where I have to put on an act and act like it's great. I also don't want a scene in front of family and friends and if AH feels his "efforts" aren't appreciated, I have NO doubt that he will try to hurt me and cause damage to friendships (he's done this too many times to count-- convenient way to keep me alone-- create a scene when my friends are around and poof- vanishing friends).

I have thought up the following solutions:

1) Call AH and tell him to cancel whatever he's up to. Probably a bad idea bc this plan requires him to care about my preference and act on it.

2) Call people he might have called and tell them not to come. Then I look like an a$$ but at least I am sure to not have people show up

3) Wait and see what happens

4) Tell best friend (who is sort of a frenemy lately and I don't trust her entirely but that's another matter altogether) to deal with AH and find out who he's invited and ask her to give me that info.

Any thoughts?

It's just unreal.
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:34 AM
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5) Plan a weekend away for you and the girls. Let your AH look like a fool.

L
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:36 AM
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What LTD said, or:

Send an email out detailing your own plans for your own birthday?
This is so something that my RAH would do.
Kind of all about appearances, huh?

Strange.
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:37 AM
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The 23rd is on a Saturday. Can you arrange to be "out of town" that weekend?
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:39 AM
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Lateeda has a great suggestion ~

I might also document all this insanity, just in case he tries some of the other craziness he has pulled before ~ he truly isn't well!

Prayers & good thoughts of sanity, safety & well-being for you & your children!

PINK HUGS!
Rita
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:40 AM
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Have your own party call family and friends and meet at a restaurant far away from where he is!
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:46 AM
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LTD beat me to it, lol.

My first thought was ................... well it's a Saturday, you and the DD's could go away on a nice all day jaunt (a surprise for them, do not tell ahead of time), maybe to a zoo, or a water park, or something, and then maybe a picnic in a park in another town, lol

You get the idea.

Your birthday, your plans.

If it were me, I would NOT contact him. I would just be prepared to spend my birthday my way with my lovely daughters.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:46 AM
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I may be in the minority but, if it were me I would just tell him you found out and that you will not be available.

And do something nice for yourself on your birthday.

I understand not wanting him involved in your birthday, my last birthday was a nightmare, because I caved to him wanting to do " something nice " for me.
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
5) Plan a weekend away for you and the girls. Let your AH look like a fool.

L
This.

Go someplace overnight, something fun for you and the girls. Even a motel with a swimming pool and a couple of meals out can be a mini-vacation.

Most of all have a happy birthday and enjoy the day with your girls.

Your friend,
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:01 AM
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WTBH - he certainly has a few screws loose, eh? This is the same guy who you "abused" and had to go to court over the charges, correct? Does anyone else in your life connect the dots here? That this is madness?

I am not sure I would be so kind at this point - but I understand you have to tread lightly because its a hornet's nest.

Sometimes I think you'd be better off in the witness protection program. Any chance of that happening in the near future? ; )

Happy 40th, by the way. Just turned the big 4-0 myself.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:08 AM
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Wow, the guy is INSANE. I would be scared and try to get away for the weekend if I could. Take someone with you, an adult? Go to a relatives house, anything. When you said he was 'planning' something for you, with your history with him, my mind goes to bad places. Do you have a security camera set up at your house? Sometimes reading your stories about your xA, I get really scared for you. Take care and do NOT contact him would be my advice. And a frenemy, I wouldn't trust to 'deliver' any kind of any message.

Take care WTBH.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:20 AM
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40?!? Heck, I don't even remember 40 anymore.

WTBH, just because he planned something doesn't mean you have to be involved. NC for the whole weekend sounds like a good idea to me.

Your friend,
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:31 AM
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Wow. This one is over the top. Seriously, this gives me the willies.

6) Call your lawyer. Like, now!

7) The manipulative b**** method: Surely there's someone on the guest list (assuming this is a real thing) that you can talk to other than your friend or the ex. I'd give them a call and ask whether they'd been invited to your house for a birthday celebration. If not, no big, how are you and the kids. If so, act all perturbed about what your ex is up to, since you're getting a divorce and all and aren't even on speaking terms. Make sure to use the words "creepy" and "weird" a lot. Mention that he seems a little "off" lately.

Okay, use #7 at your own risk.

In dealing with my narcissist ex, I eventually had to write off a lot of friends/frenemies who were more than willing, for whatever reason, to do his dirty work for him, or were so soft in their boundaries that they'd let him walk all over them and do his dirty work out of fear and neglect.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:36 AM
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I'm so irritated by it bc that Sat is the FIRST Sat after school ends for the girls and I and I'd planned to just chill at home, let them have friends over, etc... They have a friends end of school party to go to that morning that they are excited about so we will be sticking around for the weekend.

I think I'll just call my family and tell them what they ought to already know. AH is freaking insane and I want nothing to do with this "party" that is supposed to be a surprise and to please not show up.

And yes, to whomever said it, it does appear to still be about appearances. And evidently my family and friends are able to be fooled by him OR they simply know that the cost of arguing with him is too great. The fact that my "best" friend who knows all the abuse he's put me and the girls through hasn't just said to him "that's inappropriate" tells me that she, like myself is probably afraid of telling him no bc she knows what his reactions are like when he doesn't get his way.

Thanks for the feedback all. I was feeling SICK after hearing my friends message and now that it's sunk in a bit I am just bullsh*t pissed (which frankly is a far better feeling than being upset or scared!)
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:42 AM
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Just saw this after I posted... And what you say about dealing with your narcissist ex and having to cut friends loose who couldn't or wouldn't set boundaries with him is PRECISELY what I'm finding with my "friend".

I think that no matter what I do I will be written off as an ungrateful b**ch who should have appreciated how thoughtful and kind he tried to be. At least I am over thinking I can be painted as anything but that by him. I just don't want the headache of having to deal with staying away from my own house OR cleaning up his mess when people do show up.

I think I'll email my family and best friend and say "here's what I have heard" and tell them clearly what I want and don't want and remind them of a few facts of late with AH. Gee, remeber this is the man who had me arrested and I spent a night in jail bc of it?! How anyone can think that there's anything sincere about an alleged party being planned in beyond me.... But then again, codie/sick me would have probably argued a year ago that he felt bad for all that he'd done and this was his way to show me he cared. My best friend is in a bad bad marriage and makes excuses for her H just like she does about AH. I've kind of gotten the sense for a while now that she thinks I am "too hard" on AH. Evidently because she lets her H beat her up and always takes him back that's what I should do too?

Sorry- that's a separate rant!

And yes, call is in to the lawyer!

Originally Posted by Florence View Post
Wow. This one is over the top. Seriously, this gives me the willies.

6) Call your lawyer. Like, now!

7) The manipulative b**** method: Surely there's someone on the guest list (assuming this is a real thing) that you can talk to other than your friend or the ex. I'd give them a call and ask whether they'd been invited to your house for a birthday celebration. If not, no big, how are you and the kids. If so, act all perturbed about what your ex is up to, since you're getting a divorce and all and aren't even on speaking terms. Make sure to use the words "creepy" and "weird" a lot. Mention that he seems a little "off" lately.

Okay, use #7 at your own risk.

In dealing with my narcissist ex, I eventually had to write off a lot of friends/frenemies who were more than willing, for whatever reason, to do his dirty work for him, or were so soft in their boundaries that they'd let him walk all over them and do his dirty work out of fear and neglect.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:47 AM
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Oh ps, my actual birthday was at the end of May and I had a small get together with a couple friends and our kids at my house-- it was mellow, low key and fine.

D6 wrote me the best letter EVER for my birthday and the girls (with my mom's help) framed a picture that D6 drew of she, myself and D4 that I love...

D6's letter by the way is as follows (with her spelling as it was written)
"Dear Mommy, I love you very, vry vry much. I will love you frever. I wish you cood com to scool with me ever day. I love wen you drop me off at scool evry morning. It makes my hart full of love. I love you forevr Mommy. You are the best Mommy."

That letter was the best gift EVER. Nothing (okay maybe a letter from D4 someday will tie!) will ever be better than that!

So, I had an amazing birthday already and perhaps AH is just bent out of shape that I in no way asked him or wanted him to be a part of it and so he has to force himself on me.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by chronsweet View Post
Wow, the guy is INSANE. I would be scared and try to get away for the weekend if I could. Take someone with you, an adult? Go to a relatives house, anything. When you said he was 'planning' something for you, with your history with him, my mind goes to bad places. Do you have a security camera set up at your house? Sometimes reading your stories about your xA, I get really scared for you. Take care and do NOT contact him would be my advice. And a frenemy, I wouldn't trust to 'deliver' any kind of any message.

Take care WTBH.
Originally Posted by Florence View Post
Wow. This one is over the top. Seriously, this gives me the willies.

6) Call your lawyer. Like, now!

7) The manipulative b**** method: Surely there's someone on the guest list (assuming this is a real thing) that you can talk to other than your friend or the ex. I'd give them a call and ask whether they'd been invited to your house for a birthday celebration. If not, no big, how are you and the kids. If so, act all perturbed about what your ex is up to, since you're getting a divorce and all and aren't even on speaking terms. Make sure to use the words "creepy" and "weird" a lot. Mention that he seems a little "off" lately.
I don't know this guy, but what I DO know (as I've said before) gives me the willies!!! My gut reaction was that he is plotting to use this as an opportunity to humiliate you somehow and/or get you into trouble with the law and/or create yet ANOTHER horrible scene in front of not only your children, but all of your friends and family as well.

Sorry, but I agree with Florence and Chronsweet - he is an absolute nut job and I wouldn't do anything other than pack my bags for a weekend away.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
I don't know this guy, but what I DO know (as I've said before) gives me the willies!!! My gut reaction was that he is plotting to use this as an opportunity to humiliate you somehow and/or get you into trouble with the law and/or create yet ANOTHER horrible scene in front of not only your children, but all of your friends and family as well.
You're right. That's my gut instinct too. Set me up, with lots of people around. I assumed initially it was just to try and embarass me in front of friends-- the friendships he's destroyed are countless... But I think I ought to assume he is a lot more sinister than that. Hmmmm, I guess I probably will think through the going away for the weekend plan... That's probably safest.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

So, I had an amazing birthday already and perhaps AH is just bent out of shape that I in no way asked him or wanted him to be a part of it and so he has to force himself on me.
I must be missing something. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU invite him to be a part of your birthday? After all that has gone on between the two of you, what gives him the VAGUEST idea that this is even in the realm of possibilities???
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:59 AM
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I don't know - I think the headache of re-scheduling your Sat to be out of the house pales in comparison of the headache that is likely to ensue if you stay home and your friend is telling the truth.

Personally, I would not contact a single person. That is like throwing fuel on the fire. If you see your 'friend' I'd tell her "Thank you for your call. I'm not participating in any plans" and leave it at that. Be wise about what you share with whom. If my best friend is talking with a man that has done all the things you've posted (and I'm sure there is more) then I'm not sure she is to be trusted. Then just be gone.

There is ZERO way for you to look like the bad guy because you decided to take your girls on a fun day. Nothing was planned. However - you let everyone in town know you know there is something going on and you are put in one of three positions a) leaving on purpose or b) having some kind of show down - ugh or c) going along with it which sounds like the worst outcome of all to me.

I'll also agree that I would not assume what he has planned is some kind of nice surprise party for show. I had much darker thoughts and even if his plans are not sinister they are for sure dripping with manipulation and meant to put you on the spot with either just your kids as witnesses (which is BAD but he has done it before) or set you up for some kind of trap, which sounds just like him doesn't it? He is not stable.
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