Stalking and invasion of privacy
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Linkmeister 
As for our admins and mods-again, kudos to them for making SR a safe place where we can share with each other.
A good wake up call to all of us to make sure and practice "safe surfing."
A good wake up call to all of us to make sure and practice "safe surfing."
as for you TUFFGIRL... yes love, live up to your name...and you are doing quite well, i thank you for posting this and giving us and all your friends here a HEADS up....
as for the ex hubby...I do hope you use this site as an advantage for YOU...you need to work on your PROGRAM ( and you seem to be working on somthing of a program)...there is lots for you to learn here...maybe something will HIT your ROCK BOTTOM and something will click for you...god bless you.....I do have compassion for you and your well being....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
TG,
Good for you.
I think you're right to say a prayer for him. One of the many nuggets I have learned in sobriety is this: every person acts in a way consistent to how the world occurs to them. As crazy as your ex's (legalities aside) actions seem to the wider world, they make perfect sense to him. It is only a guess but I'd put money on this: he acts this way out of a profound sense of powerlessness and fear. He has no power over you, lacks any sense of direction for himself, and therefore is stuck in the morass of the consequnces of his actions, unable or unwilling to move forward. This is his cesspool of unhappiness, decline the invitation to join him in it by responding any more than you have.
Say the prayer, and count your blessings.
Eddie
Good for you.
I think you're right to say a prayer for him. One of the many nuggets I have learned in sobriety is this: every person acts in a way consistent to how the world occurs to them. As crazy as your ex's (legalities aside) actions seem to the wider world, they make perfect sense to him. It is only a guess but I'd put money on this: he acts this way out of a profound sense of powerlessness and fear. He has no power over you, lacks any sense of direction for himself, and therefore is stuck in the morass of the consequnces of his actions, unable or unwilling to move forward. This is his cesspool of unhappiness, decline the invitation to join him in it by responding any more than you have.
Say the prayer, and count your blessings.
Eddie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by fourmaggie
as for the ex hubby...I do hope you use this site as an advantage for YOU...you need to work on your PROGRAM ( and you seem to be working on somthing of a program)...there is lots for you to learn here...maybe something will HIT your ROCK BOTTOM and something will click for you...god bless you.....I do have compassion for you and your well being....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Tuffgirl,
I'm sad you had to go thru this, but I'm also glad you got the experience. (let me explain) I've been stalked in real life (more than once, sadly) and also online. An XABF actually broke into my home and put key logger software on my computer and activated a webcam so he could know everything I was doing. Experiences such as that taught me a lot about boundaries, about accepting unacceptable behavior, about taking care of myself, and made my personal RADAR a whole lot stronger.
I'm a better, stronger and healthier person today as a result of my experiences. I take much better care of myself, and I surround myself with healthier people too. I make sure that a person's actions match up with his words. If not, I'm very cautious and careful about letting him (or her) into my inner circle.
It sounds to me like you've learned some of that too. I also learned that all I can control is my own behavior, and I don't let unhealthy people occupy much of my brain space. I choose to focus on all the good in my life instead. Sometimes I have to look for it, but it's there if I remember the things I'm grateful for.
As for keeping SR a safe place? We have a team of dedicated volunteers who make it a top priority 24/7 - that this should be a safe place to share, to vent, to explore options and find new and healthier ways of living. Please know that we take this stuff very seriously. SR was here for me when I needed it many years ago. I'll tell anyone who asked that a combination of Al Anon and SR saved my life. I promise you that I'll do my best to keep it a safe place... as will the rest of the mods here.
Hugs and love
Cats
I'm sad you had to go thru this, but I'm also glad you got the experience. (let me explain) I've been stalked in real life (more than once, sadly) and also online. An XABF actually broke into my home and put key logger software on my computer and activated a webcam so he could know everything I was doing. Experiences such as that taught me a lot about boundaries, about accepting unacceptable behavior, about taking care of myself, and made my personal RADAR a whole lot stronger.
I'm a better, stronger and healthier person today as a result of my experiences. I take much better care of myself, and I surround myself with healthier people too. I make sure that a person's actions match up with his words. If not, I'm very cautious and careful about letting him (or her) into my inner circle.
It sounds to me like you've learned some of that too. I also learned that all I can control is my own behavior, and I don't let unhealthy people occupy much of my brain space. I choose to focus on all the good in my life instead. Sometimes I have to look for it, but it's there if I remember the things I'm grateful for.
As for keeping SR a safe place? We have a team of dedicated volunteers who make it a top priority 24/7 - that this should be a safe place to share, to vent, to explore options and find new and healthier ways of living. Please know that we take this stuff very seriously. SR was here for me when I needed it many years ago. I'll tell anyone who asked that a combination of Al Anon and SR saved my life. I promise you that I'll do my best to keep it a safe place... as will the rest of the mods here.
Hugs and love
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Yuck and double-yuck. Reading that made me feel like I need a shower, lol.
TG, I know there is a great life ahead for you. When you carry on living the best life possible, it doesn't matter what others do or think. I'm so glad you don't feel like you need to hide or censor yourself. Carry on.......
L
TG, I know there is a great life ahead for you. When you carry on living the best life possible, it doesn't matter what others do or think. I'm so glad you don't feel like you need to hide or censor yourself. Carry on.......
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I just want to say thanks again everyone for your support. Thanks Eddiebuckle for the plausible explanation...the courage to change the things we can, right?!!!! I have it now...maybe he can find his own courage someday.
CatsPJ's - thanks for sharing your story and an especially big thanks to all of you administrators for watching over us here. You are right, this is a place to share and feel safe in that sense of community. Thanks again to the admins/mods for being so dedicated!
I posted this because I wanted him to know I am not guilty or ashamed nor will I keep secrets. I rely on my resources of support to help me through the hard times. Secrets keep people sick and stuck, neither of which I care to be anymore.
I also wanted all of you to know that you are not alone with your own crazy-makers in your life. We all have ours! ; ) It's not the fact that there are crazy-makers in the world, its how we choose to deal with them that counts. There are lessons to be learned here, and instead of letting this turn me into a puddle of shame, resentment, or self-doubt, I am going to trust in my HP and the Universe that the lesson is to stand strong and not let this prevent me from seeking the help that best suits my needs.
Many of you here have inspired me, offered me empathy and understanding, and gave me a swift kick in the pants when I needed it. Tough love is still love, right?!
I've learned so much already, and continuing to share, honestly, what is happening in my life, allows me to let go and move forward.
We get so isolated while focusing all of our strength on the A's in our life that it is a shock to get away from it, only to realize we have practically no one left for support. I am lucky I have my family, and now a great group of Al-Anon friends, on top of a great group of SR friends. Newcomers to F&F, don't let yourself get so isolated that you have no support. That, on top of the secrets, keeps us sick.
So on that note, I am going to share something...I often sound strong in my resolve, but I am doing the AA strategy of talking the talk and letting my emotions straighten out and my feet to catch up with the words. It's not always easy. I can't tell you how many times I have come [this close] to picking up the phone to call him and ask him "WHY??!!!" I still want to understand the irrational and make some sense of the whole debacle. Getting the PM Saturday from the adminstrators rattled me, but did not surprise me. But it feels yucky to know someone who you once trusted is sneaking around peeping into your life and watching you, instead of simply choosing to BE A PART of it instead.
I've learned to expect the unexpected but it still gets me when it happens. Not because it happened, but because there is an easier and more effective way to live one's life...this can't be an enjoyable existence to hide from the world all the time, watching it go by without you. To quote LaTeeDa, double yuck. I would never make that choice. But that's what makes me - me, and him - him. And that's why this marriage couldn't possibly work.
So again, thank you to my friends here, I have come to love you all dearly and appreciate knowing I have a place to go to simply vent, be sad, celebrate, and share my fears in a place where I feel safe and understood.
To the newcomers and those guests simply reading our posts - secrets keep us sick. Start talking and keep talking. Share what's going on with people who understand, and it will help untangle the craziness, a little at a time.
P.S. in the chaos of the weekend, I forgot to mention that I found out on Friday I am up for a very big and very amazing promotion at work - one that was not expected and kind of unheard of for someone my age, but I am ready for the challenge if I am determined to be worthy of it. Wish me luck - its an appointed position from the top of the totem pole so I must first be approved.
CatsPJ's - thanks for sharing your story and an especially big thanks to all of you administrators for watching over us here. You are right, this is a place to share and feel safe in that sense of community. Thanks again to the admins/mods for being so dedicated!
I posted this because I wanted him to know I am not guilty or ashamed nor will I keep secrets. I rely on my resources of support to help me through the hard times. Secrets keep people sick and stuck, neither of which I care to be anymore.
I also wanted all of you to know that you are not alone with your own crazy-makers in your life. We all have ours! ; ) It's not the fact that there are crazy-makers in the world, its how we choose to deal with them that counts. There are lessons to be learned here, and instead of letting this turn me into a puddle of shame, resentment, or self-doubt, I am going to trust in my HP and the Universe that the lesson is to stand strong and not let this prevent me from seeking the help that best suits my needs.
Many of you here have inspired me, offered me empathy and understanding, and gave me a swift kick in the pants when I needed it. Tough love is still love, right?!
I've learned so much already, and continuing to share, honestly, what is happening in my life, allows me to let go and move forward.
We get so isolated while focusing all of our strength on the A's in our life that it is a shock to get away from it, only to realize we have practically no one left for support. I am lucky I have my family, and now a great group of Al-Anon friends, on top of a great group of SR friends. Newcomers to F&F, don't let yourself get so isolated that you have no support. That, on top of the secrets, keeps us sick.
So on that note, I am going to share something...I often sound strong in my resolve, but I am doing the AA strategy of talking the talk and letting my emotions straighten out and my feet to catch up with the words. It's not always easy. I can't tell you how many times I have come [this close] to picking up the phone to call him and ask him "WHY??!!!" I still want to understand the irrational and make some sense of the whole debacle. Getting the PM Saturday from the adminstrators rattled me, but did not surprise me. But it feels yucky to know someone who you once trusted is sneaking around peeping into your life and watching you, instead of simply choosing to BE A PART of it instead.
I've learned to expect the unexpected but it still gets me when it happens. Not because it happened, but because there is an easier and more effective way to live one's life...this can't be an enjoyable existence to hide from the world all the time, watching it go by without you. To quote LaTeeDa, double yuck. I would never make that choice. But that's what makes me - me, and him - him. And that's why this marriage couldn't possibly work.
So again, thank you to my friends here, I have come to love you all dearly and appreciate knowing I have a place to go to simply vent, be sad, celebrate, and share my fears in a place where I feel safe and understood.
To the newcomers and those guests simply reading our posts - secrets keep us sick. Start talking and keep talking. Share what's going on with people who understand, and it will help untangle the craziness, a little at a time.
P.S. in the chaos of the weekend, I forgot to mention that I found out on Friday I am up for a very big and very amazing promotion at work - one that was not expected and kind of unheard of for someone my age, but I am ready for the challenge if I am determined to be worthy of it. Wish me luck - its an appointed position from the top of the totem pole so I must first be approved.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Wow! What a weekend you've had!
Congratulations firstly on your strong recovery! It is understandable you would want to grab XAH by the collar and shake him and say "why, why, WHY?", but you didn't and you know why it wasn't healthy for you to do so.
Congratulations secondly on the promotion news! I have no doubt you are capable of any new challenges ahead.
and to XAH, if still stalking: Get help.
Congratulations firstly on your strong recovery! It is understandable you would want to grab XAH by the collar and shake him and say "why, why, WHY?", but you didn't and you know why it wasn't healthy for you to do so.
Congratulations secondly on the promotion news! I have no doubt you are capable of any new challenges ahead.
and to XAH, if still stalking: Get help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Wow Tuffgirl! Thank you for sharing. Very good to know that people around here are watching very closely. My now RAH also reads my stuff on here. A few months back he said something which disclosed that he was reading things. Only place I had said it was on here, so I asked him and he told me yes in fact he had read my postings here. At first I was pretty irritated, but the more I thought about it (for me and my situation) I was actually fine with him reading stuff. I think it was great for him to read what you all thought about our situation. I had nothing to hide from him and things I said on here I would have said (or more than likely did say) to his face. If things got uglier I am not sure how I would have felt about it, but for then it worked.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Alone22
Wow Tuffgirl! Thank you for sharing. Very good to know that people around here are watching very closely. My now RAH also reads my stuff on here. A few months back he said something which disclosed that he was reading things. Only place I had said it was on here, so I asked him and he told me yes in fact he had read my postings here. At first I was pretty irritated, but the more I thought about it (for me and my situation) I was actually fine with him reading stuff. I think it was great for him to read what you all thought about our situation. I had nothing to hide from him and things I said on here I would have said (or more than likely did say) to his face. If things got uglier I am not sure how I would have felt about it, but for then it worked.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Nice post, TG! I had a similar situation awhile ago as you may remember. He would make little jabs and comments about things I didn't recall saying to him...odd stuff. Then one day it hit me that he was reading my posts. At first I felt worried and embarrassed...I obsessed over my words and how I would explain them, but then I realized that the things I spoke here were truths and I shouldn't feel ashamed of that. HE was the person who did those thing...who caused the anguish and turmoil. Why should I protect HIM from his actions??
I changed my user name from SKW to vujade at that time...the inverse of his username "Dejavu". I also told him that if he had any questions, he was welcome to ask me or to continue reading, it didn't matter to me. I was going to speak the truth either way.
When we allow ourselves to be victims, we are powerless. WTG for being the survivor! You are a great inspiration, TG!
I changed my user name from SKW to vujade at that time...the inverse of his username "Dejavu". I also told him that if he had any questions, he was welcome to ask me or to continue reading, it didn't matter to me. I was going to speak the truth either way.
When we allow ourselves to be victims, we are powerless. WTG for being the survivor! You are a great inspiration, TG!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Way to go, Tuffgirl! Reading your post, it needs some really awesome self-confident music in the background. It's great to "hear" you taking a stand like that, and I'll confess I feel great now.
I am grateful that XABF is not computer savvy. He doesn't even know what a "Forum" is, so I am confident that he'll never find this place. If he had been reading my posts when I was new here, I would have felt completely violated. Part of this may be due to the fact that he was also abusive; part of this may be due to the fact that he made some halfhearted attempts to stalk me in real life after I went no-contact. Having no contact with me, he eventually gave up; if he had found this forum who knows, he may have tried longer, or tried to come back for some form of revenge, or who knows.
It doesn't matter now, of course, since he's given up and the odds of him putting any effort into finding me at this point is pretty slim to none. (Plus at this point any attempt is going on his job record, and he could lose his job, which I am sure helps.) That said, it feels great to know that the admins of this forum are working in the background to ensure that this place remains safe.
Poor Beth, you've been dying to take that paintball gun out for a spin, haven't you?
I don't have a paintball gun, so I am going to prepare some water balloons and lend my assistance, and pull out the old camouflage jacket from the back of my closet for good measure!
I am grateful that XABF is not computer savvy. He doesn't even know what a "Forum" is, so I am confident that he'll never find this place. If he had been reading my posts when I was new here, I would have felt completely violated. Part of this may be due to the fact that he was also abusive; part of this may be due to the fact that he made some halfhearted attempts to stalk me in real life after I went no-contact. Having no contact with me, he eventually gave up; if he had found this forum who knows, he may have tried longer, or tried to come back for some form of revenge, or who knows.
It doesn't matter now, of course, since he's given up and the odds of him putting any effort into finding me at this point is pretty slim to none. (Plus at this point any attempt is going on his job record, and he could lose his job, which I am sure helps.) That said, it feels great to know that the admins of this forum are working in the background to ensure that this place remains safe.
Originally Posted by wicked
I have the paintball gun of shame at the ready Tuffgirl!
Thank you for your post of strength.
Beth
Thank you for your post of strength.
Beth
I don't have a paintball gun, so I am going to prepare some water balloons and lend my assistance, and pull out the old camouflage jacket from the back of my closet for good measure!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I also told him that if he had any questions, he was welcome to ask me or to continue reading, it didn't matter to me. I was going to speak the truth either way. posted by vujade
NOW that is a good attitude! love it!!
NOW that is a good attitude! love it!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Tuff,
I haven't been around, but I dropped in and saw this.
Wow.
Well, look at this as his encouragement for you to move on.
That's how I looked at my xah's crazy-making angry-denial behavior.
Blessings on you. Go be free. Feel lucky to free yourself from that dysfunction.
Peace.
I haven't been around, but I dropped in and saw this.
Wow.
Well, look at this as his encouragement for you to move on.
That's how I looked at my xah's crazy-making angry-denial behavior.
Blessings on you. Go be free. Feel lucky to free yourself from that dysfunction.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It is important to speak your truth, and let go of the outcome. Because in the end it isn't necessarily the outcome we remember well...its' the way we spoke honestly and truthfully in whatever situation we found ourselves in that matters most.
I came here at a very low point in my life - lost and hurting and completely baffled by what I was experiencing. I have used this place like a daily Al-Anon meeting, because I can't attend meetings everyday and still manage the rest of my life, yet I can sign on here whenever and find words to help comfort and/or inspire me.
I don't expect anonymity and I never thought I was not being watched. But that doesn't stop me from seeking guidance and understanding from the great people I have met here. Sharing my own ES&H helps me process and may help someone else out there dealing with a similar circumstance. For this, I am grateful SR exists.
I am glad he has been reading my posts and my blog. I am not afraid of who I am and my emotions - I feel I have nothing to hide. For as many times as I have come here angry and venting, I have also come here to express hope, love and pride in the man I married. I have meant every single word I typed here.
Don't let this scare any of you away from posting, unless your personal safety is in danger and if so, seek help!
It is an amazing feeling to reach the point of really, really embracing yourself and liking who you are. I couldn't say that last January, but I can say it now and mean it. That's awesome!
I came here at a very low point in my life - lost and hurting and completely baffled by what I was experiencing. I have used this place like a daily Al-Anon meeting, because I can't attend meetings everyday and still manage the rest of my life, yet I can sign on here whenever and find words to help comfort and/or inspire me.
I don't expect anonymity and I never thought I was not being watched. But that doesn't stop me from seeking guidance and understanding from the great people I have met here. Sharing my own ES&H helps me process and may help someone else out there dealing with a similar circumstance. For this, I am grateful SR exists.
I am glad he has been reading my posts and my blog. I am not afraid of who I am and my emotions - I feel I have nothing to hide. For as many times as I have come here angry and venting, I have also come here to express hope, love and pride in the man I married. I have meant every single word I typed here.
Don't let this scare any of you away from posting, unless your personal safety is in danger and if so, seek help!
It is an amazing feeling to reach the point of really, really embracing yourself and liking who you are. I couldn't say that last January, but I can say it now and mean it. That's awesome!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This makes me really appreciate my wife...
...she knows I post here and may or may not have read some of my posts. In fact, she's the one that introduced me to SR and occasionally hangs out on the alcoholic side.
I never read her posts, never have, and never want to (Good God the things she could post about me and some of my crazy-ass co-dependent and controlling behavior). I'm fairly sure she rarely reads mine or I imagine I'd have heard from her on some of the things I've said (or there would have been some kind of fallout).
Just like AA and Alanon, our love for one another and our abiding desire to be together precludes any infantile, paranoid, asinine behavior around recovery. On these issues she supports me 100 percent and I do the same. It's The Golden Rule of our recovery as a couple.
Kudos Tuffgirl for doing what you need to do for your recovery.
Cyranoak
P.s. Mrs. Cyranoak would also leave me at the drop of a hat if I were ever to do anything to her this disrespectful and stupid. It really is a whole 'nother level of low. Good ******* God. And, given I don't want to live without her, I'll never go there. This isn't to imply anybody should do the same (which I sometimes imply in my special passive-aggressive way), but is specific to us. Mrs. Cyranoak takes no mess! I love that about her.
I never read her posts, never have, and never want to (Good God the things she could post about me and some of my crazy-ass co-dependent and controlling behavior). I'm fairly sure she rarely reads mine or I imagine I'd have heard from her on some of the things I've said (or there would have been some kind of fallout).
Just like AA and Alanon, our love for one another and our abiding desire to be together precludes any infantile, paranoid, asinine behavior around recovery. On these issues she supports me 100 percent and I do the same. It's The Golden Rule of our recovery as a couple.
Kudos Tuffgirl for doing what you need to do for your recovery.
Cyranoak
P.s. Mrs. Cyranoak would also leave me at the drop of a hat if I were ever to do anything to her this disrespectful and stupid. It really is a whole 'nother level of low. Good ******* God. And, given I don't want to live without her, I'll never go there. This isn't to imply anybody should do the same (which I sometimes imply in my special passive-aggressive way), but is specific to us. Mrs. Cyranoak takes no mess! I love that about her.
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