I just want to say thanks again everyone for your support. Thanks Eddiebuckle for the plausible explanation...the courage to change the things we can, right?!!!! I have it now...maybe he can find his own courage someday.
CatsPJ's - thanks for sharing your story and an especially big thanks to all of you administrators for watching over us here. You are right, this is a place to share and feel safe in that sense of community. Thanks again to the admins/mods for being so dedicated!
I posted this because I wanted him to know I am not guilty or ashamed nor will I keep secrets. I rely on my resources of support to help me through the hard times. Secrets keep people sick and stuck, neither of which I care to be anymore.
I also wanted all of you to know that you are not alone with your own crazy-makers in your life. We all have ours! ; ) It's not the fact that there are crazy-makers in the world, its how we choose to deal with them that counts. There are lessons to be learned here, and instead of letting this turn me into a puddle of shame, resentment, or self-doubt, I am going to trust in my HP and the Universe that the lesson is to stand strong and not let this prevent me from seeking the help that best suits my needs.
Many of you here have inspired me, offered me empathy and understanding, and gave me a swift kick in the pants when I needed it. Tough love is still love, right?!
I've learned so much already, and continuing to share, honestly, what is happening in my life, allows me to let go and move forward.
We get so isolated while focusing all of our strength on the A's in our life that it is a shock to get away from it, only to realize we have practically no one left for support. I am lucky I have my family, and now a great group of Al-Anon friends, on top of a great group of SR friends. Newcomers to F&F, don't let yourself get so isolated that you have no support. That, on top of the secrets, keeps us sick.
So on that note, I am going to share something...I often sound strong in my resolve, but I am doing the AA strategy of talking the talk and letting my emotions straighten out and my feet to catch up with the words. It's not always easy. I can't tell you how many times I have come [this close] to picking up the phone to call him and ask him "WHY??!!!" I still want to understand the irrational and make some sense of the whole debacle. Getting the PM Saturday from the adminstrators rattled me, but did not surprise me. But it feels yucky to know someone who you once trusted is sneaking around peeping into your life and watching you, instead of simply choosing to BE A PART of it instead.
I've learned to expect the unexpected but it still gets me when it happens. Not because it happened, but because there is an easier and more effective way to live one's life...this can't be an enjoyable existence to hide from the world all the time, watching it go by without you. To quote LaTeeDa, double yuck. I would never make that choice. But that's what makes me - me, and him - him. And that's why this marriage couldn't possibly work.
So again, thank you to my friends here, I have come to love you all dearly and appreciate knowing I have a place to go to simply vent, be sad, celebrate, and share my fears in a place where I feel safe and understood.
To the newcomers and those guests simply reading our posts - secrets keep us sick. Start talking and keep talking. Share what's going on with people who understand, and it will help untangle the craziness, a little at a time.
P.S. in the chaos of the weekend, I forgot to mention that I found out on Friday I am up for a very big and very amazing promotion at work - one that was not expected and kind of unheard of for someone my age, but I am ready for the challenge if I am determined to be worthy of it. Wish me luck - its an appointed position from the top of the totem pole so I must first be approved.