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Father of the year award NOT going to AH

Old 09-15-2011, 04:29 PM
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Father of the year award NOT going to AH

Girls saw AH tonight. Following that, D6 was angry for the rest of the evening and finally burst into tears screaming at me asking me why I make Daddy so angry and why don't I just stop making him angry so that he'll move back.

I want to do harm to him (I won't-- I am simply describing how angry I feel inside at how evil he can be to use his kids to further his addiction/agenda/anger).

I talked to her for a long time and then again when I put her to bed she asked me the same question-- except this time the anger was gone and she was just sad. I told her I didn't know what I did to make him so mad and she wanted me to give her an example so I did. I told her that sometimes when I say how I feel he gets mad, or when I tell him to speak to me differently he gets mad. She made a face and said "that's silly". I agreed. Then we had a conversation about making better choices (that's language her T used with her and that I use with she and D3 when they are acting out) when we are angry and talked about things we do (she and I) when we are angry that are good choices. She said that Daddy should learn to make better choices and that she could try to teach him. I wanted to cry. Instead I hugged her (in part to hug her right then and in part to compose myself for a second) and I told her that that wasn't her job and that Daddy has lots of places and people that he can go to to learn that. I said that her job was to be a little girl (and I was told she's not little, she's big) and to learn in school and be kind to her sister and to have fun.

So, I think I recovered fairly well and tried to do the best by D6 that I could but my anger at AH is at an all time high right now. And it's not anger like I've felt before. It's hurt, pain, he HURT our kids on purpose and I can't believe it kind of anger...

I needed to share this. Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-15-2011, 04:55 PM
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((((hug)))) I wish I had something wise to say, but I don't and I get how upsetting it must be to have two little kids being dragged into his drama. I would just try to stay as calm as you can, keep your head on straight and pray at some point he will just stop it. One can only hope that once your divorce is completed he will just go on to live his life without trying to push your buttons any more.
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Old 09-15-2011, 05:01 PM
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I guess the silver lining is that yes, I kept my cool and I dealt with D6 the best I could and I could see her feeling more relieved when I finally put her to bed.

It just breaks my heart into a zillion little pieces to know that this won't be the last time the girls are told "I can't see you, I am breaking plans with you etc... bc of Mommy" and to them, that's reality. I don't care that they are mad at me. I care that they are hurting bc despite AH's **** behavior toward me, he has generally been good to the girls and they adore him. So, when he bails on them or shows up and then runs out, the pain that that causes them is written all over them and it makes me sadder than anything I've ever felt before.
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Old 09-15-2011, 05:52 PM
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Well done, Mom.



I know that was a heart-wrenching conversation.
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Old 09-15-2011, 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I told her that sometimes when I say how I feel he gets mad, or when I tell him to speak to me differently he gets mad. She made a face and said "that's silly".
This little section right here, though, means that you are doing everything you can for your girls, and that they are learning this.
She can acknowledge that her father is being "silly" rather than holding him up as someone whose approval she requires at all costs.


It is heart breaking to see the effects that other people's insanities have upon younger children, especially when it's a parent of a young child.
It's quite apparent, though, that her other parent is paying attention, and that is a wonderful thing.
You are doing a good job.
Not only that, they know they are loved. <3

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Old 09-16-2011, 01:26 AM
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I've been through similar things WTBH. You are a great mum, you handled that just perfectly and I'm going to file away some of your phrases for the next time x tells the kids that he is cancelling because I am making it too difficult for him to see them (you know, by delivering them to his door, picking them up twice a week, no matter what crap he hurls at me, by agreeing that he can more time with them, contingent on him passing an alcohol hair strand test, by swapping the arrangements at the 11th hour because he is "ill", "tired", etc).

I try to keep in mind that it is not our job to protect them from pain, or anger, or other difficult emotions, because life will hurl situations at them that prompt those feelings more and more as they grow into independent people. Better, our job is to help them develop the tools to deal with those emotions and difficult situations and people. and yes, their father should be doing that too. But they've got you, and you are doing a wonderful job. (())
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Old 09-16-2011, 07:01 AM
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a friend in a similar situation to all of us told me that she had a hard time accepting the fact that her AH would hurt the kids just to hurt her.

But she said it very matter-of-factly. And it's been true for her kids and it's true for mine. I don't know if my xAH is trying to get at me, but he is willing to hurt my kids to indulge his selfish need to vent his grown-up feelings to my little kids. It tears me up.

I'm sorry. I think you handled it great.
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Old 09-16-2011, 07:13 AM
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stella- i too have a hard time believing that ah will hurt the girls in order to hurt me... but (and by no means am i excusing or minimizing it) i really don't think for a second that he believes he's hurting them or is even aware of what he is doing. he is so incredibly self-absorbed, so convinced that everything is about him and that i am actively trying to annoy/anger etc.. him at all times that in his paranoia/rage/anger/resentment etc.. he is totally blind to what his behavior is doing to those around him... i think until i saw him unable to control himself in this way (hurting the girls with the crap he says) i still believed that what he did/said really did have somethign to do with me. seeing now that he can not stop himself even when it comes to his kids really really highlights that he is in no control at all and definitely made it easier to manage last night with less emotion than i would have imagined...
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:30 AM
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Anyone I know that has finally separated from their A's tells me the same thing. They always blame us for the split and tearing apart the family and get angry at us. They refuse to put the blame where it really belongs. ALCOHOL!!

He is acting out of anger because he blames you and in his little world of work/drink/denial it will always be you. You are the problem, not him. It is so tough when it effects the kids and trust me it effects them at any age. Mine are alot older and it still effects them. The only good thing is they know what is going on and they know all about this disease.

We are doing the right thing for our kids and someday this will all be behind us. All aboard that train exiting CRAZYTOWN!!

Keep posting and keep on keepin on!!
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL View Post
Anyone I know that has finally separated from their A's tells me the same thing. They always blame us for the split and tearing apart the family and get angry at us. They refuse to put the blame where it really belongs. ALCOHOL!!

He is acting out of anger because he blames you and in his little world of work/drink/denial it will always be you. You are the problem, not him. It is so tough when it effects the kids and trust me it effects them at any age. Mine are alot older and it still effects them. The only good thing is they know what is going on and they know all about this disease.

We are doing the right thing for our kids and someday this will all be behind us. All aboard that train exiting CRAZYTOWN!!

Keep posting and keep on keepin on!!
I don't think I even care anymore if AH ever recognizes his part in this split. After last night all I want (and I know I won't likely get it) is for AH to stop hurting the girls with his anger and resentment toward me (all for me expecting to be treated with respect-- yeah that's a good reason for resentment!).

Any man (or woman) who is so sick that they can't see (or see and refuse to acknowledge and address) that they are causing their kids to hurt bc of their behaviors is someone in deep deep trouble within themself and really has no business being a parent.

I think that I am going to have a lot more opportunity to practice the kind of conversations I had with D6 last night and I just hope that having one relatively sane parent will be enough to keep her from making the same bad choices I did.

My biggest fear is that if at age 6 she is already convinced that the solution to "fixing" things is to find a way to not make others angry, that this may already be ingrained in her psyche and I really hope it's not too late to help change that. She is a mini me in that regard and look where that thinking has gotten me! I don't want that for my D's and I hope I can help make up for the damage I've done by staying here far far longer than I should have.
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Old 09-16-2011, 09:12 AM
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wanttobehealthy, there is a great series of books that you can probably get from the library. I have found it helpful to consider where each child is developmentally as I speak to them about our family situation with separation and an alcoholic spouse. It helps me support them in a way they can understand. Here is info and link to the one about 6 year olds. At 6 and 7, they are undergoing a fairly profound change in how they view themselves and their connection with their parents and the world. In Waldorf education, they view the "changing of the teeth" phase of age 6-7 as a pivotal time in their lives.
Amazon.com: Your Six-Year-Old: Loving and Defiant (9780440506744): Louise Bates Ames, Frances L. Ilg: Books

The six-year-old is a complex child, entirely different from the five-year-old. Though many of the changes are for the good -- Six is growing more mature, more independent, more daring and adventurous -- this is not necessarily an easy time for the little girl or boy. Relationships with mothers are troubled -- most of the time Six adores mother, but whenever things go wrong, it's her fault. It used to be, at Five, that she was the center of the child's universe; now, the child is the center of his own universe.

You have an uphill road ahead of you. Arm yourself with as much information as possible. For me that helps me stay centered with regard to the kids. Hugs to you...
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Old 09-16-2011, 09:16 AM
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Sadly, with D6 I have for several years been who she lashes out at. My T and hers tells me it's bc she feels safe doing so vs her father whom she acts like a baby with.

I appreciate the link to the books... I will go check it out right now!
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Old 09-17-2011, 06:25 AM
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I had all those books - by Ames and Ilg - back when my kids & step kids were younger. I can honestly say they helped and made a huge difference... especially when my step daughers were pre-teens. Funny, I remember now that we kept them in the bathroom.

There was more than one occasion when I was quite upset with one of them about some behavior and my ex would walk out of the bathroom, hand me the book and say "page 72"

That was it, just "page 72". I would go and read page 72 and it would describe, in detail, the exact issue we were struggling with. We often laughed and asked ourselves was our pre teen reading the book to know what to do to make us crazy, or was someone following her around and taking notes? Those books were really that precise for us.

Parenting is never easy, and with an A in the house it's doubly hard. It's great that your daughter feels safe in lashing out at you and also talking things thru. You've obviously made it very comfortable for her to do that. She'll be a much better person as a result.

Big mom hugs
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