stella- i too have a hard time believing that ah will hurt the girls in order to hurt me... but (and by no means am i excusing or minimizing it) i really don't think for a second that he believes he's hurting them or is even aware of what he is doing. he is so incredibly self-absorbed, so convinced that everything is about him and that i am actively trying to annoy/anger etc.. him at all times that in his paranoia/rage/anger/resentment etc.. he is totally blind to what his behavior is doing to those around him... i think until i saw him unable to control himself in this way (hurting the girls with the crap he says) i still believed that what he did/said really did have somethign to do with me. seeing now that he can not stop himself even when it comes to his kids really really highlights that he is in no control at all and definitely made it easier to manage last night with less emotion than i would have imagined...