Blogs


Notices

Really fed up

Old 09-21-2011, 07:58 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
For me, it's important to remember when posting that I should be sharing my experience, strength, and hope, not pointing fingers or telling someone else what to do.

I think we would all benefit from using this approach.

As halvsie mentioned, we can get triggered, and that is where I have learned to sit on my hands and not react by lashing out and projecting.

Just my two cents.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
greeteachday (09-22-2011), halvsie (09-21-2011), m1k3 (09-21-2011), StarCat (09-21-2011), tjp613 (09-22-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 08:07 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,614
Blog Entries: 8
Ladies and gentlemen,

I think that it is time to remind everyone that we are, essentially, all in this together. "You should" and "You need to" are both controlling statements. Try to remember how you would feel if someone continually told you what you needed to do.....

I am reposting the following message that I have personally found very helpful. I hope that it will be a useful reminder to others as well.....

It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.

DO's and DON'TsDo: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.

Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well

Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.

Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.

Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking

Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?

Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.

Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.

Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.

Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others

DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.


Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.

We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.

Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
Much love,
hyrogirl
Forum Leader
Seren is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Seren For This Useful Post:
DesertEyes (09-22-2011), greeteachday (09-22-2011), halvsie (09-21-2011), laurie6781 (09-21-2011), m1k3 (09-21-2011), StarCat (09-21-2011), tjp613 (09-22-2011), wanttobehealthy (09-21-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 08:19 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I posted this thread to share something that I was frustrated with. Many replies were productive and gave me a lot to think about. The only person whose replies I felt were ought of line is the one who without knowing anything about my story, opted to judge me.

This site is one that has been very helpful and I appreciate that it is not a place where finger pointing and judging is encouraged.

Given the huge changes I've made to my life recently and the financial repurcussions and living arrangement consequences my kids and I are facing bc of making these healthy changes, I really don't need someone who doesn't know and doesn't appear to care to know my story, telling me I don't care about my kids.

Those who do know me here know otherwise and if I want to hear quacking and blame I have a stbxah I can talk to.

I am sorry that the member who is so upset with me experienced a mother who didn't care and who subjected them to abuse. I don't need anyone else's issues put on me however and I won't apologize for asking that people own their own stuff. That's something I learned here and I intend to apply it equally to AH and anyone else it might apply to.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Danae (09-21-2011), GettingBy (09-21-2011), halvsie (09-21-2011), m1k3 (09-21-2011), StarCat (09-21-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 08:23 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Given the huge changes I've made to my life recently and the financial repurcussions and living arrangement consequences my kids and I are facing bc of making these healthy changes, I really don't need someone who doesn't know and doesn't appear to care to know my story, telling me I don't care about my kids.
Remembering when you first got here, I can appreciate the huge changes you have made to your life, dear! That is not an easy thing to do!

I hope you continue to post and don't let the judgment of one affect your sharing with the rest of us.

Sending you hugs of support!
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (09-21-2011), laurie6781 (09-21-2011), m1k3 (09-21-2011), wanttobehealthy (09-21-2011), wellnowwhat (09-21-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 08:25 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by MTUSA View Post

Figure out a way, to AVOID situations like this in the future, especially when your children are present. You can take a shot at my mom being an alcoholic, that's ok by me.
I just read back through my posts bc I was prepared to apologize for what I said that must have upset you (a shot at your mom...) but there's nothing that I said that references your mom other than commenting that you said your mom was awful and my saying something to the effect of that sucks.

So, please be careful in the future not to accuse people of things that haven't happened. Most of us have lived with that behavior from the A's in our lives and I for one don't come here to have that experience here as well.

Thanks.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 08:38 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
Member
 
m1k3's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
WTBH,



I hope things are going better and feel free to vent here as much as you want. I agree with everything DeVon wrote as well.

I try not to react negatively to what people post here as we are all at different stages in our recoveries and it seems to me it is a lot like playing chutes and ladders as I find myself all over the board at different times. I was guilty yesterday allowing a post to get under my skin and while I did restrict myself to my experience it could have been done more skillfully. Progress not perfection.

Anyway, keep up the good work and know that we are here for you.

Your friend,
m1k3 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to m1k3 For This Useful Post:
Danae (09-21-2011), halvsie (09-21-2011), LifeRecovery (09-21-2011), tjp613 (09-22-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 08:49 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Adding to how wonderfully everything is going today, I just got yet another call that I didn't get yet another job. I'm fed up with being good, just not good enough. How many times can I be 1 of 2 candidates to make it to the final stage and NOT get the job. This makes time #3 in 2 months. I'm frazzled, financially done and scared.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 08:56 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Sending big hugs and warm thoughts your way!

Hope:
your coffee is strong,
the air crisp,
you sight an unusual bird on the tree outside your window,
your favourite (not sad) song plays on the radio,
you unexpectedly hear from a dear friend,
and your child says just the right thing that brings a smile to your face and you wonder how they can be so wise when so young.

It sounds that you are having a very rough go of it right now, and it's frustrating, and seeming to come from all directions. You sound like you are strong in your recovery and will fare well through this tough storm. Just wishing you a calm spell before the next big gust.
wellnowwhat is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 09:11 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
Member
 
halvsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
It'll get better! Maybe you didn't get this job because a better one is coming! Soon!! (((((hugs)))))
halvsie is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 09:21 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I can't imagine a better one than this. It was exactly what I wanted and the Principal was someone I'd have loved to work for. I don't know what the hell lesson I am supposed to be learning from all the rejections and being unable to keep a roof over my kids heads and I'm ready for this lesson to be over.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 09:29 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I can't imagine a better one than this. It was exactly what I wanted and the Principal was someone I'd have loved to work for. I don't know what the hell lesson I am supposed to be learning from all the rejections and being unable to keep a roof over my kids heads and I'm ready for this lesson to be over.
I don't know what your lesson is, but one of the big lessons for me was that I don't always get what I think is best for me. Sometimes what I want and what life gives me are two entirely different things. Learning to accept this and not judge it as a "bad" thing has made a tremendous difference in my life.

It's not easy, I know. One of my favorite quotes is about this very thing.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Joseph Campbell

There is a good life waiting for you WTB, I know it.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (09-21-2011), marie1960 (09-21-2011), wanttobehealthy (09-21-2011), wellnowwhat (09-21-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 09:51 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Funny, LTD, bc I actually believed I had let go of the idea of what I thought I wanted to make my life. I spent a LOT of time this summer trying to flesh out what I wanted to do professionally, what made me tick, what I felt I was best at as well as how I could make that work with my kids being young and in school. Maybe there will be other opportunities that arise and maybe this is still the right path but I am struggling to stay patient and calm when foreclosure and homelessness are looming.

I know it's easy to stay focussed on recovery when things are good and I've been reminding myself that I need to do so even when they are bad but things have been bad for a while and I'm really struggling.

I've networked with everyone I can think of, I'm applying for jobs that I never thought I would and I'm thisclose so many times to getting one I really want and I'm just not sure how to keep picking myself up rejection after rejection.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 10:03 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I've networked with everyone I can think of, I'm applying for jobs that I never thought I would and I'm thisclose so many times to getting one I really want and I'm just not sure how to keep picking myself up rejection after rejection.
When I was done dirty at the job at my local hospital, I was devastated. I still have a hard time talking about that incident.

Now I realize had I still been working there, I never would've known about, or gotten the job at Wesley Medical Center.

Now I'm registered through a temp agency, and I make $3 more an hour than I did at the local hospital. I also have my foot in the door at Wesley.

I know how discouraging it is to get rejection after rejection and being worried about finances.

Sending hugs of support!
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
wanttobehealthy (09-21-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 10:54 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
WTBH...

I'm sorry that you are going through this stressful time. Job changes are scary, scary times. When I am in the darkest moments, it's sooo hard to be patient and have a faith - yet that is the two things I need to do most. My disease/programming has me defaulting to the worst-case scenario - the stinkin' thinking of "I am just unlovable, unwanted. I'm no good. I'll never find a job. I won't be able to pay my bills." Oh, the abuse I dole out to myself is so unacceptable - yet I do it, because of - well, because of my history. That's the way I was raised. That's my faulty belief system.

Changing that is really freakin' hard. Learning to love myself. Learning to validate myself. It takes time. And so for today, when I find myself in the midst of a darkness, I have to remind myself that the internal voice is a sick, scared child - not the truth. I AM good enough. There IS something better waiting for me... and in time, it WILL be revealed.

Just keep doing the next right thing and be kind and gentle to yourself! I've learned that the more I learned to love and accept myself - the less I gave a $hit about what other people thought of me. I don't get nearly as hurt by their thoughts/opinions/rejections/etc.

One tool that has worked tremendously along with my Al-anon program is DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). I find it to be a good blend of my 12-step work, meditation/mindfulness, and cognitive behavioral therapy (learning how to better process my feelings). Maybe it might help you, maybe not.

Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
GettingBy is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 11:09 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Thanks all-

Shannon, I honestly have been doing a good job (I think) of not panicking... But I haven't paid my mortgage this month, my student loans are waaaaay past due, my credit cards are past due-- you get the idea. I have been staying in the day and taking it day by day, getting creative about what I apply for, who I talk to etc...

Like you I was raised to catastrophize everything. I've been really making headway in that dept I thought. But I feel like I am now at catastrophe level. Even substitute teaching is competitive. There's nothing out there and it's terrifying. I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

Any suggestions are more than welcome. Perhaps someone else has thought of something I haven't.

I even just cold emailed someone in a district who coordinates the alt ed programs and tried to "sell" myself to him as someone he may want to meet. I'm networking with everyone I ever knew professionally and .... well, it's just not going well.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 11:26 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
My willingness to accept that the "answer" may not be exactly what I planned... opened me up to opportunities I never even thought about. Which is what I believe LTD was getting at.

When my plan was rigid (I'm not saying yours is!), I had a vision of what I wanted and thought I knew exactly how to go about getting it. I struggled and got frustrated... because I was trying to control my life, and aspects about it that were not mine to control. The worst part is that I didn't see it at the time - it wasn't until years later that I had gained the perspective I needed to "see" that out of some of the darkness moments came my greatest blessings.

I can't even begin to list all the "losses" in my life... and all the great, amazing things that came from them! And I will admit that during each of those dark moments, I felt utterly lost and hopeless. I had no faith. I was religious - but no faith, and still desperately trying to control my life. It's not my fault - it was way down deep in my belief system/programming. I didn't know any better.

Today - I am working on knowing better. I don't do it perfect (or even close to it!!) but now I am aware!! Yeah, progress! I know I have choices - I have power to do what's best for me.

Hang in there WTBH. I know all to well how much it hurts right now. I wish I could give you a big fat hug.

Shannon
GettingBy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to GettingBy For This Useful Post:
wanttobehealthy (09-21-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 02:11 PM
  # 57 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
My willingness to accept that the "answer" may not be exactly what I planned... opened me up to opportunities I never even thought about. Which is what I believe LTD was getting at.
Exactly.

I was taught (like many of us) to be goal-oriented. Which, by itself, is not a bad thing. But, being a perfectionist (among other things ) led me to take it way too far. I went from goal-oriented right on to tunnel-vision. I had a goal (or goals) and I could not see anything else. My mind was absolutely closed to any alternatives that didn't fit with my "plan."

As I said, I don't know what the lesson is here for you, but if you are willing to allow yourself to consider alternative outcomes, maybe you will find it. Maybe it's time to consider a career change? Maybe it's time to move forward with the divorce and get some court-ordered support coming? Maybe it's time to sell the house and ditch the mortgage payment? Maybe it's time to just appreciate being home with your children?

You don't need to answer any of these questions for me. And you certainly don't need to make a definite decision on any of them. All I'm suggesting is that you contemplate the possibilities and then, with an open mind, pay attention to what happens. Opportunities generally come my way when I least expect them, but if I am not open to considering them as opportunities, they pass right by.

None of this is easy. In the beginning, I had to reach a point of absolute desperation before I would let go of my desired outcome and embrace other alternatives. Over the years, I've been able to cling a little less tightly to what I want and allow what is. This is something I will spend the rest of my days practicing, but it gets a little easier all the time.

I know there is a good life waiting for you and my wish for you is that you are able to see it when it is revealed.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
Freedom1990 (09-21-2011), GettingBy (09-21-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 02:19 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Have you tried going through any temp agencies? I am registered with the Arnold Group.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 09-21-2011, 04:36 PM
  # 59 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Shannon- thanks for the dbt suggestion-- i am bit familiar with it and should look at it more closely... and all your words are very wise... thanks

LTD- a few weeks ago when I had a hefty period of unemployment compensation still in front of me i was relishing how glad i was that i lost my job (i think i even posted to that effect). i think i may have gotten caught up in enjoying the "moment" too much and not thinking enough about 'what next?' and maybe that's what has hit me hard. i've always been an obsessive planner (control issues anyone?!) and i think in my attempts to let this go i sort of went to the other extreme and took the 'one day at a time' approach too literally. i managed for a good while to put tomorrow out of mind and i think that somewhere between what i've been doing and my former obsessive planning ahead is probably the happy medium. i am fortunate in that i'm controlling our finances (AH is happy to have me do so) so support from him is not an issue right now and i have really been enjoying time with the girls but it hit me this week that i truly miss the work i used to do. it's not the money (though that helps) but the feeling that i'm helping kids and using my skills in a way that i feel i'm good at.

so, i realized, after thinking on a nice long run about what lessons there might be here for me that there are in fact several and though i still have no job and still have looming bills, i feel a lot calmer bc i realized a couple things that have helped bring a bit more clarity:

1) i haven't appreciated my work for much of the time i've had it. i took for granted that i'd always have a job and got a little too picky at times; left jobs that were perfectly fine to find something better and perhaps i should have had a little (actually a lot) more gratitude for the notion of stability, if not passion for what i was doing

2) i have been overly concerned with finding a job that paid X amount bc my self image was wrapped up in being able to say to my FOO, "see, i'm finally successful". i have worked in jobs in education i have not loved at all in recent years simply bc they paid well and i felt proud that i was "wanted" in higher level positions. the jobs i've actually loved are the ones i had early in my career, working for a lot less, with really tough kids and somehow once i had kids my focus became 'well, if i have to work i may as well make a lot so that i can give them a lot' instead of 'i should show my D's that work can be something you love and money isn't everything'

3) i realized that i haven't been humble enough in my job search. i have advanced degrees and have worked in higher up education positions and i've kind of looked primarily for jobs that paid X amount and were in X area of the state and that involved X type of work. instead of being open to ANYTHING, i was trying to control the terms.

So... I thought about all of this while running (good thing I am a slow runner-- lots of time to think!) and came home and responded to the Principal who emailed me today saying that he'd offered the job to another candidate. I wrote him and told him from my heart (not all sappy of course) why I'd been so impressed with he and the school and that his school was one that I'd love to be a part of in any capacity, even subbing. He wrote me back almost immediately and said that he was impressed with my professionalism and regretted they couldn't offer me the job and that if I wanted to sub he'd arrange it with HR and I could be there everyday and that he was sure a position (full time) would open up during the course of the year.

Lesson of the day for me? HUMILITY. A BIG part of me feels ashamed to go from having been a teacher for many years to being a sub again BUT, this is a school that is a place I'd love to work and frankly in this economy, getting my foot in the door in a school this way is probably the best way to hope to get a permanent job.

AH makes a lot at his teaching job bc he works in the wealthiest district in the state so I can afford to make not much at all (at least for a year) and he will need to carry the burden of bills etc...

I'm not counting on this sub promise or a permanent job happening but for tonight I am grateful that my realization that I needed to be a lot more humble about my search netted me the respect of a Principal I am honored to even sub for....

I am truly grateful to you all for reminding me of what I knew (what can I take from this sucky sucky day and what can I do differently) but which I was not doing bc of fear, self pity, resentment (that someone else got the job and not me) etc...

The journey continues... what's the expression that I hear people using? More to be revealed? So true....

I think that the next time I find myself where I was earlier today I will have that much easier of a time letting go and it's a life lesson I sure wish I'd started to practice years ago. At least I'm starting now!
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-22-2011), Freedom1990 (09-21-2011), GettingBy (09-22-2011), LaTeeDa (09-21-2011), LifeRecovery (09-21-2011), StarCat (09-21-2011), suki44883 (09-21-2011), Thumper (09-21-2011), tjp613 (09-22-2011), wellnowwhat (09-21-2011)
Old 09-21-2011, 04:40 PM
  # 60 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Have you tried going through any temp agencies? I am registered with the Arnold Group.
The only temp agencies in my state deal with temping for accounting, nursing/healthcare and paralegal type work. It's a sad sign of the times when temp agencies all but laugh when I called this summer inquiring about how to register and when asked about my background I was summarily told they couldn't help.

Not good.

I definitely missed the mark thinking that majoring in Sociology was a wise move. My Master's is an M.Ed and all I've ever done is teach. There are jobs out there, there's just a million applicants for each job... I'm not giving up... I guess worst case scenario is I see about my state's unemployment office paying to "train" me in a new career...

I just posted about the progress I made today in the job search in my field so all may not be lost yet.

But thanks for the idea. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to call the temp agencies back that I spoke to this summer. Maybe something has changed.
wanttobehealthy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:00 PM.