suki44883

I'm very impressed with your growth over the past few months. You and your daughters are going to be fine.

LaTeeDa

L

wanttobehealthy

Considering I spent nearly 40 yrs (I'll be 40 in May) being the ultimate control freak, I'm figuring it's going to be at least another 40 before I have this figured out...

You guys have been so helpful. I found myself earlier today essentially pouting and having a full on mini pity party for myself. In the past I'd have gone away for a while, felt sorry for myself and waited for something to happen to improve the situation (I'd still have searched for a job but wouldn't have been as pro-active as it occurred to me to be today). Today I felt sorry for myself and wanted to pout and say "but you don't understand" and "sure, 12 steps is great when you have a job" and act like a petulant 4 yr old. But I recognized that I was being like that instantly and told myself to knock it off and took very seriously all the advice that was offered and sure enough it made sense and I have to just trust that what I can't control/see/predict/figure out alone will somehow all work out as it's supposed to.

I'm going to continue searching for jobs while this subbing thing gets sorted out since I can't put all my eggs in one basket but it's remarkable how much calmer and well, in control I guess I feel right now. Even when things are totally out of control if I can keep my head on straight I can get through it I think... Who'd have thought?!?! Certainly not me!

LaTeeDa

It's ironic how empowering "letting go" can be, isn't it?

L

wanttobehealthy

It is! I'll admit I'm not fully there... I think when I've having to try so hard to let go I've still got a lot to let go of, but I'm getting there! The journey is what matters right? Or at least that's what I'm telling myself!

lilotto

WTBH; hope you find yourself all right as you read this. Take note neither me or anyone else can judge your actions and it really doesn't matter. As for the words used to cut you down are very real and can do more harm than a fist in the face. I know this because I was very good at verbal abuse (not boasting or proud) I could cut you so deep and low that you may never recover from my verbal abuse and I am very ashamed that I could be so in sensitive to someone that I really wanted in my life. Sometimes it is tough to walk that road of a reality check but it has to be done for any kind of progress. Don't give up but fight the battle with courage and valor.

LaTeeDa

Wanna know a secret? There is no destination, it's ALL a journey! Don't worry about "getting there." There is no there.....

L

GettingBy

WTBH.... you are in a word... amazing.

Good for you! Reading your post put a huge a$$ grin on my face!! I love, love, love recovery in action! It feels so amazing when it *clicks*. I had an Aha! day yesterday.... and stuff was clicking all over the place. So many things finally made sense. My hurt and pain. Why I'm where I'm at. Why I made the decisions I did over the years... and I've learned that NONE of the decisions I made was wrong... they were the decisions I needed to make to be on the path that my HP intended for me. All things for a reason girl!!

I married my AH... so that I could have my babies, so that I could reach my "bottom"... so I could get my butt into Al-anon, find MY recovery... and see my hurt, and work on my healing. I had found strength and courage within me... and not the kind of "control my surroudings, act all tough and powerful" strength... the quiet humble strength that allows me to take care of my self and live in peace with the world around. That my friend is serenity.... and it is ******* amazing.

I have found my self-worth!! I have value and I'm worth more than what I have settled for... and now I'm working on learning how to get what I am worth. I will no longer settle for crumbs of affection, that are laced with verbal/emotional abuse. Uh-uh, no way. I deserve better.... and guess what, you do too.

Love and hugs to you,
Shannon

m1k3

WTBH, ((((hugs))))

You'll get through this. My experience from being laid off several times is that it just takes a while to land that job. At least you are getting interviews, that is a really good sign.

Your friend,

wanttobehealthy

Okay, so it's a new day and I'm just wondering if others have gone through the roller coaster of feeling "okay I've got a handle on this... I'm okay" and then back to "oh crap I'm scared/freaking out" in the course of a day.... I feel like I'm crazy.

I woke up panic stricken this morning thinking about all the what if's- trying to predict the future- worrying about the fact that subbing isn't income that will sustain me all year long- worrying about " what if he doesn't set things up with HR like he said? " and now sitting here freaking out bc I haven't heard from the principal yet today as he said I should expect.

I KNOW I'm being nuts. I know it. So why can't I turn my brain off?!

I have so many things to sort through I guess... My inability to stop worrying is a HUGE problem.

I should also add that my D's have been waking up multiple times a night for the past week, crawling in to bed with me, having nightmares, crying, missing Daddy etc... Ever since his antics last Thurs at the back to school picnic they've been a mess and I'm kind of reaching my breaking point of no sleep, cranky kids, angry at Mom bc I'm the one here etc..

Deep breath.... I'm going to go back and read yesterday's post. I still feel grateful for the path this latest job search took, I am still pursuing the subbing path... I'm just worried that now that I feel I have a grasp on something, something will go wrong and I'll be back to square one.

How do I go from feeling calm and focussed to being a stress case again overnight?

Is this normal? (I'm guessing no).

Ugh. I'm even frustrated with me-- I can't imagine how others listening to this must feel! I'm making myself mental with my flip flopping emotions!

Freedom1990

What are you grateful for this morning?

GettingBy

Yes.

It's stinkin' thinking at it's finest. I do it all the time. And when I feel that rush of anxiety... I sit and say the Serenity Prayer. Over and over again until my heart stops racing. And once I am calm, I then say, "I am right where I need to be. I am OKAY. I am safe. What is the next right thing I need to do?" And then I go do it.

My mind is my own worst enemy. My ability to process my feelings is so freakin' screwed up. I awfulize the hell out of every little bump in the road. And that's sad, because when I spend so much time spinning out - I miss out on so many wonderful moments of happiness.

WTBH - you are OKAY. You are making great progess. Trust the process - and know that more WILL be revealed.

wellnowwhat

Yes. For us it's our learned normal. After hoping for recovery for our AHs, and subsequent disappointment, we tell ourselves it's better not to hope and we want to know what the next disappointment is before it happens so we are ready for it. Unfortunately, I tend to prepare myself for any disappointment that could possibly happen anywhere anytime and then wonder why I'm not happy. Duh!

You have a lot of growth and recovery under your belt. You recognize this and have tools. You'll do fine!

LaTeeDa

Ah yes, perfectly "normal." And the journey continues.......

Some really wise words from Eckhart Tolle:

"Worry pretends to be necessary."

All the worrying in the world does not change anything. Whether you worry or whether you peacefully accept what is, it will still be what is. It's not the circumstances that determine your level of peace. It's your reaction to them. (I know, I know--easier said than done!)

L

Carol Star

I listen to meditation tapes to stop the stinkin' thinkin'......google Hemisync......IMHO.....pray then meditate to hear the answers......the Big Book actually says " through prayer and meditation".....and headphones help !

wanttobehealthy

Right now I am grateful for the progress I've made that allows me to feel okay admitting when I feel like I'm losing my mind because it allows me to learn from the ESH of you all on here... In the past I would've felt upset and like I was losing my mind and said nothing.

Hearing that this isn't me being crazy (as I was told from my FOO as a kid whenever I felt sad so that to this day I question whether it's normal to ever feel upset) and that it's a part of the journey just helped TREMENDOUSLY.

I think the worst feeling of all is feeling alone and speaking to you all about this makes that go away and lifts so much of the anxiety...

Thanks.

greeteachday

LTD - I have never heard or read that before...It is perfect, and so easy to remember I will be able to call it up when needed. Thank you!

tjp613

WTBH - Just in case it's helpful in any way, I offer this idea that you may not have considered. My sister graduated summa *** laude in education and lasted 6 whole weeks in her 9th grade English class. Just didn't have the stamina to handle the rough kids. She applied for her county's non-profit Literacy Advance program and has been with them for 20 years now. She trains volunteers that teach adults to read and she loves it. Cool, huh?

Maybe there is a non-profit avenue you could pursue? I think there are even a few websites that post only non-profit job openings. The money is not always horrible! My friend was making $90K/year as executive director for a teen drug treatment program here in my town, and her assistant made $45K.

I wish you all the luck in the world. These are very trying times. (((Hugs)))

Carol Star

love Eckhart....his book really helped me.......and you can see it online with Oprah-A New Earth.

lilotto

WTBH; you go girl as a male that use to be a disgusting ******* that had no problem using verbal abuse to cause unmeasurable pain to my wife or girlfriend. I rarely got physical because I was raised to never hit woman. But since I was a victim of verbal abuse it became my weapon of choice and don't ever let anyone try to convince you that it doesn't hurt no matter what you do it is a double edge sword and it cuts deeper than a closed fist. It sounds to me that he likes to push your buttons and he knows what does and doesn't work. You are right it is tough to resist but so far you are learning, keep up the good work and don't hesitate to post and vent your feelings and pain here. That's what SR is for support.