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Old 09-14-2011, 10:24 AM
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Louise says to Thelma: "Thelma, you get what you settle for"

Are you surprised? Do you expect him to change?
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Old 09-14-2011, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I wish I could get to the point where his words didn't cut deep but they still do and I hate it. That's what I am bothered by...
It's not you, it's him.
Getting to the point where they don't hurt is not your responsibility, and there's nothing wrong with you when you're still hurt by what he says.
He is someone that you trusted at one point, or you wouldn't have married him. Now he is using whatever is left of that trust to tear you down. It's easy to say "don't let him" but it's hard to put into practice when there's a grown man pinning you down frothing rabid hatred out of his mouth.
And this is just focusing on the verbal aspects of the abuse he has put you through.

You are being strong for your girls, and working your way out of this situation.
That takes a lot more courage that I think you realize right now. You're a lot stronger than his words.
Be safe.


Verbal Abuse Law & Legal Definition

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.
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Old 09-14-2011, 11:01 AM
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Old 09-14-2011, 11:07 AM
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painterman and others,

i understand your concern about what he might do in retaliation for me kicking at him but i guess i have to stick with the fact that my asking/demanding him to let go did not work so i kicked him and he let go and he left. i don't regret it and i see a huge difference between assault and defending oneself.

that said, i agree that i should do everything in my power to ensure that such a scene doesn't occur again.

and, i will reitterate that as far as AH is concerned he has no idea how much his words bothered me. as i said in my 1st post-- i didn't take the bait, defend, etc... he spewed and i tried to not be bothered by it.

so, particularly to mtusa who is comparing me to their mom and saying i must enjoy being a victim, you're missing the boat.

i have worked hard to not respond to his verbal crap but it doesn't lessen how much it hurts to hear it. i posted here as a sort of cathartic- get it out and let it go kind of thing and once i did i felt much better...
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Old 09-14-2011, 12:41 PM
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WTBH - big hugs to you today. Your situation sucks and you are obviously doing the best you can with it. Don't feel the need to justify yourself here...just take what works and leave the rest. And remember - everyone has the best of intentions, even if the delivery is off. We do care about you and don't want you to hurt anymore.

Take good care of you today.
~T
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Old 09-14-2011, 01:19 PM
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Surprisingly (or maybe not actually) I am fine today... I was pissed and upset with AH's words the other day and I said it aloud here (and talked to my T) and for me that's a cathartic way to let it go. I suppose there are different ways that work for us all to "let go of things" and I've realized that that's my way.

I kept my life with AH a secret for so long that there's something empowering about saying it aloud (even if it's on line!) and for me, 40 yrs into this life of mine, I've finally figured out that that's the best way to let it go (well, that and running!)
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:23 PM
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((((WTBH)))) I'm glad that you are feeling better today.

HG
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:55 PM
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Aw sorry to hear this wanttobehealthy. I know what you mean though, sometimes you just want to let out some of the emotional baggage. Hope talking about it made you feel better a bit!
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Old 09-14-2011, 04:55 PM
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I've not been in your situation so I don't have any E, S & H to share. It sounds to me like you are thoughtfully and courageously working through a tough, tough situation.

I just wanted you to know that I'm here sending you all the good thoughts I can muster. I hope you can sneak away for a long, relaxing bath or whatever you do to collect your thoughts and renew your energy.

Thinking of you and your kids.
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Old 09-14-2011, 07:21 PM
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Yeah, I got to the point too recently where I realized I would be forced to leave this all to the lawyers because I CANNOT in any way, shape or form have a normal conversation with my AH. I also tried many times to reason with him and it did nothing except make me crazy. Accept that this will cost big bucks and that you have to do it this way and just try to move forward. Divorce is hard and it's maddening that there is no alternative shortcut process when you are dealing with crazy people, but there just isn't, at least where I live.
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Old 09-14-2011, 08:32 PM
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WTBH,

I'm following with you. Just so you know I've been reading what you've been going through, and I am saying prayers for you and your little family.

When you picture what you want, what do you see?

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Old 09-15-2011, 06:59 AM
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Skipperling- Honestly, I'm really happy going day to day. When I start to picture the future too much I get overwhelmed. When I take it day to day I can have bad days (and even need to gripe about it!) but know that the next will be better.

So, for now, what I want looks like what I have. My D's and I are so much happier and at ease together with AH gone and that's enough for now.

Oh I guess finding a job I love would be good too!
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Old 09-15-2011, 01:45 PM
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Every time he says something like that, just say, "oh, really?" Then just let it go at that. You are NEVER going to win those arguments, and your daughters will see through them. If you can't get away physically, just acknowledge with a neutral response (I think of those old 40s movies when the wife would say to the blowhard husbands, "That's nice, dear" and then they'd go and do what they want.)

I've come to realize that I only overreact when my ego is too involved. My ego's defenses rise up like the back of a cat that's threatened. But if I tame that beast, I'm usually fine just ignoring whatever he says.
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Old 09-15-2011, 02:48 PM
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Even your name says it - you want to be healthy. This is such a tough journey. Even as we untangle and improve our own actions/reactions, it sometimes still hurts. A lot.

This disease is so awful. Many of us still love our A, even if we are separated. So even with true detachment and improved behavior on our part, it still hurts interacting with A- wether they are drunk,sober,mean,kind...sadness and hurt just seem to b part of journey.

I have been NC w/ my stbxah but even seeing him at court is challenging. When he spoke badly of me, and tried to disparage me in front of judge, it hurt. Yes, I know it's his disease. They need to try and make us look bad so they can look ok, so their alcoholism can be defended. At all costs!!! We all know this logically. But I agree with you, it still hurts. On some core level I think we need to know that we are still loved, thought highly of, worthy. It seems unfair that we have taken on so much and are appreciated so little. But we can't be victims. I feel your sadness, yet we can't expect to feel "good" after interactions with an A that is not in true recovery. I keep needing to learn this lesson over and over and over.

I'm glad you posted. I can really relate to your feelings. Growth is a process, and you've already realized you deserve better than this situation. Hugs to you. Keep being strong for you and kids. For me it feels like building a wall that just he cannot penetrate. Super super hard when u still love someone. But doable!
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Old 09-15-2011, 04:34 PM
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Full of Faith- Thanks so much for your post... I don't think it's even that I want to think I am still loved by him that makes the words hurt-- I feel like it's just human nature to find it painful when another human intentionally says things designed to hurt and malign. And certainly, when it is someone you've invested time and energy and love into then it hurts all the more.

Reading your post is helpful bc I have my eyes open about what I can expect in court and probably for the rest of my life (until the kids are 18 at least) with AH. I will be slandered, maligned, accused etc... and my fear is that even if I can not be bothered by it, what if others believe it (like a judge and people that have authority to control access to my kids etc...). I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there but it is an awful feeling.

Thanks again for your post and it sounds to me like you're doing a phenomenal job of dealing with your AH (or stbxah).
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Old 09-15-2011, 07:19 PM
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Hi Want To Be Healthy,

Your post justified the kicking in front of your kids.

Another poster mentioned not having contact, and allowing an attorney or someone possibly from the court system make visitation appointments.

If the two of you are volatile together, and you have proven you are, then WHY allow this to ever happen again? Just sayin'...

Somehow I doubt that what happened is something unique.

Figure out a way, to AVOID situations like this in the future, especially when your children are present. You can take a shot at my mom being an alcoholic, that's ok by me. Problem is you ignored what your children saw (felt and how it will affect them), and seem focused on you and not them. If you're a strong mom/leader, then you will teach them not to find men to have in their lives who behave this way. If you interact with men this way, they will find the same kind of men and repeat it.

Just something to think about. Consider yourself, leader of the pack...Where are you leading them?

Last edited by MTUSA; 09-15-2011 at 07:24 PM. Reason: Not sure...
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
It's really a sign of rapidly progressing illness that he is as f'ed in the head as he is. He doesn't seem to recall his behavior but he could tell you in detail every thing I've ever done to him that he is angry about.
Sorry you're caught in the consequences of his disease. But you're absolutely right about the above... in the final weeks of my drinking I was dating a girl I was (and remain) madly in love with. One night over dinner I gave her the key to my house with words of how much I felt for her, hoping that she would see it as a significant next step in our relationship. Her response: shocked silence. I was crushed. Then she informed me that I had given her a key to my house the previous weekend.

So as much as your AH is being a total @hole, try to find a touch of compassion (not that you have to share it with him, mind you) - he is absolutely beaten by alcohol at this point. He won't quit until he becomes more scared of continuing to drink than the prospect of having alcohol taken from him. And let me tell you, the prospect of no longer having alcohol terrified me. That existence is despair as a way of life, it's all he has at this point.
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Old 09-20-2011, 11:11 PM
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If he pulls that crap again you need to tell your child to call 911. File a report immediately. Kick, scream and bite your way outta that situation. It's not ideal but neither is being assaulted in front of your kids!
Do what you need to do.
At least when you go back to court you'll have police reports to back you up.
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:31 AM
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[QUOTE=MTUSA;3106115]Hi Want To Be Healthy,

Your post justified the kicking in front of your kids.
Actually it didn't. May I ask you to consider why it is you are so fired up and aggressive toward me, a stranger you don't know, whose story you don't know and who you make a lot of assumptions about? I hope you are involved in al anon and your own program of recovery and can learn to focus on YOU.

If the two of you are volatile together, and you have proven you are, then WHY allow this to ever happen again? Just sayin'...

Somehow I doubt that what happened is something unique.
In my experience, being overly judgemental and snarky like this is a sign of someone who is fearful and angry. I am sorry for the pain you have and I am sorry that your r/s with your mother (who you mention in all your posts) is so upsetting still to you. Projecting your issues with her onto me and jumping to judgemental conclusions isn't going to solve your problems, just an fyi.

Problem is you ignored what your children saw (felt and how it will affect them), and seem focused on you and not them. If you're a strong mom/leader, then you will teach them not to find men to have in their lives who behave this way. If you interact with men this way, they will find the same kind of men and repeat it.
I can tolerate just about any snarky remark but statements like "you ignored what your children saw and felt and how it will effect them and seem focused on you and not them" is an obnoxious, judgemental, inaccurate statement. You know nothing about me, you have read this thread and do not know my story and do not know what kind of mother I am.

You have SERIOUS mommy issues and you are projecting YOUR issues about what YOUR mother never did on to me. I have had my fill of my AH hitting below the belt and the last thing I need on here is for some angry, stranger who needs T for their own mother issues, to judge me.

Do NOT post again please.
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:44 AM
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Wow! I just read this! The codependent symptom of projection is a zinger, isn't it? People get triggered by all kinds of stuff related to family of origin issues. Alcoholics and codependents are traumatized by their primary caregivers and we are forever hurt by that! It never goes away and the triggers can keep all that wounding fresh in our hearts.

No one is responsible for the alcoholic's behavior except for the alcoholic. And no one is responsible for the codie's behavior except for the codie. When I feel the temptation to project, then I know that something has been triggered within me and I will search until I find that trigger and squash it if I can. I don't want my past ruling my present or future. If I am feeling projected upon, then I have the right to stand up for myself because no one else will do it for me.

Much compassion to the both of you. It sounds like you're both hurting. Learn from this situation.....you'll be grateful.
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