Shannon- thanks for the dbt suggestion-- i am bit familiar with it and should look at it more closely... and all your words are very wise... thanks
LTD- a few weeks ago when I had a hefty period of unemployment compensation still in front of me i was relishing how glad i was that i lost my job (i think i even posted to that effect). i think i may have gotten caught up in enjoying the "moment" too much and not thinking enough about 'what next?' and maybe that's what has hit me hard. i've always been an obsessive planner (control issues anyone?!) and i think in my attempts to let this go i sort of went to the other extreme and took the 'one day at a time' approach too literally. i managed for a good while to put tomorrow out of mind and i think that somewhere between what i've been doing and my former obsessive planning ahead is probably the happy medium. i am fortunate in that i'm controlling our finances (AH is happy to have me do so) so support from him is not an issue right now and i have really been enjoying time with the girls but it hit me this week that i truly miss the work i used to do. it's not the money (though that helps) but the feeling that i'm helping kids and using my skills in a way that i feel i'm good at.
so, i realized, after thinking on a nice long run about what lessons there might be here for me that there are in fact several and though i still have no job and still have looming bills, i feel a lot calmer bc i realized a couple things that have helped bring a bit more clarity:
1) i haven't appreciated my work for much of the time i've had it. i took for granted that i'd always have a job and got a little too picky at times; left jobs that were perfectly fine to find something better and perhaps i should have had a little (actually a lot) more gratitude for the notion of stability, if not passion for what i was doing
2) i have been overly concerned with finding a job that paid X amount bc my self image was wrapped up in being able to say to my FOO, "see, i'm finally successful". i have worked in jobs in education i have not loved at all in recent years simply bc they paid well and i felt proud that i was "wanted" in higher level positions. the jobs i've actually loved are the ones i had early in my career, working for a lot less, with really tough kids and somehow once i had kids my focus became 'well, if i have to work i may as well make a lot so that i can give them a lot' instead of 'i should show my D's that work can be something you love and money isn't everything'
3) i realized that i haven't been humble enough in my job search. i have advanced degrees and have worked in higher up education positions and i've kind of looked primarily for jobs that paid X amount and were in X area of the state and that involved X type of work. instead of being open to ANYTHING, i was trying to control the terms.
So... I thought about all of this while running (good thing I am a slow runner-- lots of time to think!) and came home and responded to the Principal who emailed me today saying that he'd offered the job to another candidate. I wrote him and told him from my heart (not all sappy of course) why I'd been so impressed with he and the school and that his school was one that I'd love to be a part of in any capacity, even subbing. He wrote me back almost immediately and said that he was impressed with my professionalism and regretted they couldn't offer me the job and that if I wanted to sub he'd arrange it with HR and I could be there everyday and that he was sure a position (full time) would open up during the course of the year.
Lesson of the day for me? HUMILITY. A BIG part of me feels ashamed to go from having been a teacher for many years to being a sub again BUT, this is a school that is a place I'd love to work and frankly in this economy, getting my foot in the door in a school this way is probably the best way to hope to get a permanent job.
AH makes a lot at his teaching job bc he works in the wealthiest district in the state so I can afford to make not much at all (at least for a year) and he will need to carry the burden of bills etc...
I'm not counting on this sub promise or a permanent job happening but for tonight I am grateful that my realization that I needed to be a lot more humble about my search netted me the respect of a Principal I am honored to even sub for....
I am truly grateful to you all for reminding me of what I knew (what can I take from this sucky sucky day and what can I do differently) but which I was not doing bc of fear, self pity, resentment (that someone else got the job and not me) etc...
The journey continues... what's the expression that I hear people using? More to be revealed? So true....
I think that the next time I find myself where I was earlier today I will have that much easier of a time letting go and it's a life lesson I sure wish I'd started to practice years ago. At least I'm starting now!