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Old 07-31-2011, 08:31 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thanks for checking in. I feel worried for your safety. I'm so glad you intend to follow through. Be safe. Hugs hugs hugs...
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:57 AM
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My heart goes out to you and I hope you will be safe today. Perhaps you could check into a hotel for the night, so you are not at the house in case he decides to come over? Stay in touch with the DV people, they will have good advice for you. Good luck in court tomorrow!!!
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:20 AM
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I'm in tears here for you. Please call a women's shelter or domestic abuse center. And do make yourself put one foot in front of another. That is ver, very good advice. Take your power back. Thinking of you...
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Old 07-31-2011, 10:33 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I have no advise... just a hug. I too am scared for you. Is there any other reason to bite a hand unless it is in self defense? I would like to think logical people will see right through him and his quacking of what happened. You have a witness and you called 911 twice from your phone. There is a documented case of DV on him before this happened. Damn I would like to think a judge will look at this and want to do everything to protect you and your girls. Why would a judge even take the chance to give him another shot? Yikes!
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Old 07-31-2011, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I called 911 again and my mom was in the room by now bc I was screaming. She grabbed my phone and told me to "think of your daughters" and what it would do to them to have them see their father arrested (they HAVE seen it once already).
And them attending your funeral is better for them how?

Given the fact it's already an unhealthy family dynamic, seeing their father arrested would actually be good for them, in my opinion, because seeing their mother stand up against being abused teaches them that they don't have to accept abuse, either, and will serve them very well once they are older.



You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your children, now. Keep doing that.
There are lots of resources, so many people in this thread have pointed them out already, so I'm just going to add that now is not the time to beat yourself up about your choices up to this point.
You did what you did, and this is what happened. Now is the time to look forward, not backwards, and do what you need to do to go from where you are now to a much healthier place.

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Old 07-31-2011, 11:23 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Dear WantToBeHealthy,

Just want to let you know that you and your daughters are in my prayers. I hope that you are able to find a safe place to raise your girls and that you eventually find peace and serenity.

I luckily didn't marry an addict, but I did grow up with an alcoholic father. From reading your previous posts, I admire how you realize that your daughters love their father and have tried to find ways to continue to include him in their lives. However, I think something it a parent's job to protect their children, show them how to stand up for themselves, and teach them what is unacceptable behavior.

My own father never gave up drinking and never became the father that I wanted/needed/wished I had. My parents divorced and my mom eventually remarried. I have a good relationship with my stepfather and I was proud when he walked me up the aisle during my wedding.

Life is so much better when you're not living in the chaos that is created by an alcoholic.

Stay strong and stay safe!

Hugs,

db
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Old 07-31-2011, 11:43 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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WTBH - You were in a tuff position and choose for your kids to let him come for one night and enjoy his kids. Once again an A does what an A does best when under the influence. We all learn our lessons sweetie and you have now learned not to go anywhere with him and the kids will be just fine. Alot better off than witnessing their father's unacceptable BS BEHAVIOR. Thank god they were snoozing at the time.

What I do not totally get is your mothers response. On one hand, I get her not wanting to have the girls see the drama but on the other hand WTF. What did she say after she witnessed her SIL physically abusing her beautiful daughter. If ANY guy treated my daughter that way in front of me, I would want more than just an arrest. I hope she apologized and comforted you after everything was said and done.

Hugs to you sweetie
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:38 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hope you're safe. There is help out there. When I left AH it was a split second decision, after seeing violence escalating. Called a shelter and they took me in right away (I thought my case was not serious enough - turned out it was for them, plus they had this 48h guaranteed policy - meaning I could for sure stay for 48h, then all I had to do was write down my story and then I could stay on as long as needed). People there were so strong and full of great advice, and pointed me to all the necessary resources. Good luck with everything. Stay strong. Hugs.

Last edited by atdawn; 07-31-2011 at 02:39 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 07-31-2011, 05:19 PM
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wantobehealthy, my kids are grown so I can't speak on that part but my AH was physically abusive too. Do you have a lot of friends and family? I screamed it to the mountaintops that he is abusing me to everyone I knew and told them the story of the hell I was living in and I didn't let pride get in the way, I was honest with people I knew. Go ahead with going to court file for protection and also there are many women abuse orgs that can give you advise. You must be in control not him, he will back down. You must throw out all of the inhibitions of what will they think of him in your head to protect yourself and your kids, but be careful on the people you tell this too not people you have in common. My AH did back down and finally once in our marriage I feel like I have control of my life without fear of abuse, too many people I know know what's going on and now for once he's paranoid and not me.

I'm praying for you and know you will come out on the other side of this!
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:15 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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My wish for you is that you have a peaceful evening with your daughters, and wishing you strength for tomorrow..
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Old 08-01-2011, 05:58 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
Once you dial 911 isn't there a permanent record of the call? you called twice. What did you mother do after he pushed you into the shelving? isn't she a witness on your behalf?

you need to remove yourself from this volatile situation now, because he is going to get even more drunk and vicious today....if you don't want to go to a DV shelter and feel you can't stay with mom with your kids, take them to a nice hotel with a pool.
My mother did nothing. She walked by me and started picking up the food from the floor and told me "shhhh" bc I was crying too loud I guess. That's my mother.
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Old 08-01-2011, 06:03 AM
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I neglected to add that I left the house (I knew my mom was still there with the girls and I was afraid of what I would do to him and he was refusing to leave- this was at the beach). He followed me and I stopped at a pizza place on the boardwalk right near the rented house. I was bawling. He was yelling at me and I asked the owner to call the police (thinking if I was in public it was safer). AH stood next to me and got creepy calm and shook his head no and made crazy signals pointing to me and the owner said "no, sorry, can't do that".

So, in the course of one night my mother and a business owner seeing obvious abuse refused to help. And gee, I wonder why it is I've had a hard time believing he was acutally abusing me for years...

To whomever asked if I have freinds/family in the area-- I have family around here and I think that my brief descritopn of my mom explains pretty well what they are like. My friends don't really have a clue how bad things are and I don't think anyone would believe me even if I tried-- I'd sound like I was exagerrating. I am headed to the courthouse in a half hour and hoping that this goes well.
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Old 08-01-2011, 07:35 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Please remember, that when you get the RO and it is served he is going to be LIVID!

Therefore it might be wise to have a Plan B, as in removing you and the girls from the house for a few days.

If the Domestic Violence shelter is not congenial for you (and they can be pretty chaotic with women and children) look at going to a Hotel/Motel with a pool for a few days. Also check with your cell phone company to see if there is a way to turn OFF the GPS on your cell phone until further notice and do that.

I suspect that if you and the girls stay in the house after the RO is served he will IGNORE it and HARASS the he!! out of you all day and all night long.

Please keep you and those lovely daughters SAFE to the best of your ability.

BTW having a RO in place will also help in the divorce as the Judge will take that into consideration when you request 'Supervised Visitation' by an 'outside' party.

J M H O

I have added you and your girls to the 3 prayer circles I belong to.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-01-2011, 07:52 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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On my phone, (a samsung droid charge model), you go into the main menu, hit the settings button and it's pretty simple to disengage the GPS.

I'm sorry your family is not taking you seriously. It might be time to stop keeping up appearances to them and your friends and simply state to them that you are fearful for your physical well being and what steps you are taking. Don't wait until he escalates and someone asks "why didn't you tell anyone" standing over you with a broken arm. I would also report the pizza man incident to your attorney with the exact date and time. if it sounds silly now, it won't if God forbid he tries to hurt you again...don't worry about his bite mark and how it sounds, he forced you to it by not letting go of you.

you are never going to change the way your mother thinks...but telling her how you are dealing with it and not sugar coating it may get through to her.

you don't need this push-pull emotional drain every day. Take the kids and go early if you are taking a new job in a different state???? what does your attorney say about this?
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:26 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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WTB-do you attend Al-Anon?

It is only in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon that I have found true friends that understand exactly what I am going thru. They don't think I am telling tall tales because they have lived them.

Good luck this morning.
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Old 08-01-2011, 11:28 AM
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I submitted the request for an emergency order of protection. The charmingly pleasant clerk at the family court office (note the sarcasm here) told me the judge reviews requests both for and to drop RO's at the day's end after the trials or whatever are done for the day and that I will be notified of the decision. Apparently I don't speak to the judge directly. If it is granted it will be for 30 days and at the end of 30 days I will then go before the judge to ask to have it extended.

I will be totally honest here and tell you that if I can help it I do not want to go to the dom viol shelter. I'll go to my mom's (as sucky as that is) before that bc I worked at the dom violence shelter right after college (as a 21 yr old who knew nothing about abuse now that I look back on it) and am embarassed to go there as a client since I know the director and admin asst are still there from when I worked there. I know that's stupid to be ashamed but I am.

So, I'd like the girls to stay here presuming the court can force him to leave and I get the RO but if that's looking like it'll be a bad idea, I'll take them to my mom's. That's plan b.

To whomever asked about the out of state job. I did not take it so I am not moving out of state.
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Old 08-01-2011, 11:47 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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wtbh, I am so sorry you and your girls are going through this. Strength and ((((hugs)))). I have no experience or strength or wisdom to share on this. I can wish the best for you and your daughters.

Your friend,
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Old 08-01-2011, 01:30 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I will be totally honest here and tell you that if I can help it I do not want to go to the dom viol shelter. I'll go to my mom's (as sucky as that is) before that bc I worked at the dom violence shelter right after college (as a 21 yr old who knew nothing about abuse now that I look back on it) and am embarassed to go there as a client since I know the director and admin asst are still there from when I worked there. I know that's stupid to be ashamed but I am.
There is no shame in going there. This is a place where people will take you seriously, will help you, will protect you, when it looks like your family and friends are not. Places like this are made to help people in your situation. There is no more shame in going there than there is shame in admitting your situation to people anyways - and you have already started taking that step. And reading how your AH behaves towards you gives me the creeps. I am scared for you, I really am. I don't usually give advice on this site, I prefer just giving my own experience for people to use as they see fit, but I am really scared you are in real danger. And he knows where you mother lives I assume. And you already know he has the nerves to treat you badly in front of her. Can you go to a place he does not know about, somewhere he cannot get to you? Whatever you decide to do, my heart goes out to you.
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Old 08-01-2011, 02:33 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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WTBH, I'm hurting for you today, for what this guy did to you and for how your mom helped him do it.

I'm still entangled with my abusive ex on custody and child-rearing issues in part because I never reported him to any authorities -- I listened to my mother, who told me to think of my son and let it go, be the bigger person, refuse to escalate. But it escalated, and in not reporting it I gave him power over me he has used to run my life through joint custody "agreement". If I could go back, I would have reported him. Every. Time. He pulled the same things on me -- the gaslighting, flat-out denial of hitting me or stealing money, etc -- and the one, single, solitary report that's out there is from the time I lost control after yet another one of his antics and slapped him across the face. It left a scratch mark and he called the sheriff on me.

If you can get away from this guy, run. Don't listen to your mom. Don't second-guess yourself. I'm praying you don't make the same mistakes I did and find yourself raising your child WITH your abuser, and watching him do the same number on your kids' heads that he did on you. Please don't be afraid to protect yourself. You deserve it, your kids deserve it, and it's your RIGHT to be safe from him.

What's the atheist version of prayer? Because that's what I'm doing right now for you and your girls. xxoo
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Old 08-01-2011, 02:38 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by atdawn View Post
And he knows where you mother lives I assume. And you already know he has the nerves to treat you badly in front of her. Can you go to a place he does not know about, somewhere he cannot get to you?
This is my concern too, him showing up at the mother's house.

There is no shame in seeking help from the same place you volunteered at. They care and are a good resource for just this type of situation.
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