wanttobehealthy

My attorney is aware he is an alcoholic who had been to rehab twice. Before I retained her I "interviewed " several to find someone who a) knows something about substance abuse & b) is experienced in divorces dealing w alcoholics. All the truth the world doesn't change the fact that the system is imperfect. AH lied & was able to make it so that my request for a RO was denied. If I'd called 911 @ the beach two weeks ago that would've been different. I screwed myself by letting my mom influence me & now AH can lie his way through the legal system since the truth doesn't mattrer to it... All that matters is how much $you have for a lawyer & how well you can lie. In that respect AH has the upper hand. Emails, journals, eye witness accounts are all suspect since if I have been so worried why didn't I call 911? This is what my lawyer pointed out as what anopposing atty forAHwill say. I prefer that she's honest & not blowing smoke or saying what she thinks I want to hear but it still sucks that the truth is so insignificant & proof & who is more believable is what counts. AH is a pathological liar so what chance do I stand?!?!

wanttobehealthy

My mother is mentally ill (borderline personality disorder & severe depression). She was very abusive to me as a kid & her attitude toward me about AH's behavior isn't a shock. I am more annoyed w myself for letting her words impact me to the point that I didn't call the police. She is who she is. When I expect her to be different, I just wind up disappointed. Very similar to the dynamic w AH. My AH is my mother (w added drinking) & it's no accuser I married someone just like her

Tuffgirl

Hey WTBH...sending you some positive thoughts for peace today. What a roller-coaster, huh? Some day you will be in that happy place looking back at this and it will seem like a moment, instead of all-encompassing. That I do know.

What worked for me in my divorce was to find the string...the ex's motivator...and negotiate around that. It was money. I went for joint custody because I knew he would fight me for anything else on principle, but I negotiated permanent sole physical custody for less child support than I would have won in court. I also agreed to another reduction when I moved out of state 3 years later. It worked each time.

Just sayin'...

wanttobehealthy

tuffgirl- it's funny you mention that bc i've been trying to figure out what that 'string' is for ah. he is a HUGE image freak-- his image to the world matters a LOT... i don't know how to negotiate that into me having primary or sole custody... he will fight for the girls simply bc it will make him look bad not to. he will pretend $ doesn't matter and pretend he wants to do what is best for them (he's all talk and no follow through) just enough to make others believe he's a great guy and great dad but he won't do what he says...

i wish he were simple-- like if money mattered a lot to him-- i'd give him every penny we have if it meant he'd leave me and the girls alone for good... but that's not likely...

anyway, it's a good reminder TG that i need to stay aware of what motivates him and work around that...

controlling me and manipulation seems to motivate him... too bad i can't turn that into something positive...

fedup3

wtbh, you had mentioned on one of your posting about habitual drunkenness, do you live in a no fault state? I do and one of the things my AH was worried about when he said he wouldn't go through the divorce is that I threatened to divorce him on the grounds of habitual drunkenness. If you AH is so worried about how he looks to others tell him you won't file under those grounds of drunkenness and would file under Irreconcilable Differences if and only if he backs off of having the kids.

Tuffgirl

So can you let him think he is controlling and manipulating you? It may mean agreeing to things you don't want in order to get the things you do want.

I remember about a decade ago interning for a female Senator in Oklahoma. She was one of maybe 4 females in the Senate at the time. I asked her how she managed in a "good old boys" environment and she said something to the effect of "let them think they are in charge, and then go do your own thing anyway".

wanttobehealthy

Fedup- that's a good idea! I am in a state (nh) where there's fault based divorces & no fault... I was thinking that since his image matters so much he'd want to keep this out of court & be agreeable to what I ask for in a mediation. After his game playing w the RO I got worried about mediation & what he might try to do to be underhanded. I thunk I'll approach him w the idea you posed...

Tuffgirl- another good idea! I like it- let him think he's jerking me around
& do what I need to for me regardless.

TakingCharge999

WTBH hugs and prayers for you.

I am glad you and the kids are OK.


What happened with the DV center idea? please, don't let "what others may think of me" prevent you from seeking help and support.

Your house and your mom's house are NOT safe places for you or the kids.

Hugs for you dear WTBH.

skippernlilg

WTBH,

I hope today finds you smiling with your girls.

I had a thought about your STBXAH: How has he been paying for his alcohol?

wanttobehealthy

I wonder that too and I think he has a separate bank acct or his mother is sending him money. He's been going down there weekly to "help" out and I'd bet money on the fact that she's giving him $.

wanttobehealthy

Hi, I am at my house with the girls. AH is not. I have told him clearly that if I see his car I will call 911 bc I am not playing games with taking chances. He thinks I am crazy to say I am afraid of him and I told him that I'll let the police be the judge of that. He knows I am serious. He also cares more than life itself about what others think of him and I am confident he will not risk being arrested simply to show up here. If he's arrested it will be published in a police log, he will lose the "deal" he got in court in May that said he had to stay out of trouble for 6 months and then the assault charge would be dismissed. I think that he cares far too much about his public image to risk harming it by showing up here. I will call the police without any hesitation and since telling him this he hasn't shown up or tried to contact the girls or I in any way.

dollydo

So, his personal image is important to him...how can that work in your favor? I'd sit back and think it through, everyone is vunerable in one area or another, the tables can be turned on him, if, you know where his weaknesses lie.

I am glad that you are back home with your children.

BobbyJ

If you get time, start filling out "HIS" job applications and sending them all over the USA.

Maybe you will get lucky and he will find a job out of state!!!

Big Hugs To Ya!!! - YOU ARE LOVED!!!

skippernlilg

What I mean is all along...how has he been paying for his alcohol? Isn't there a paper trail during the last 6 months that would indicate the pattern so that you can show that in court?

yor5150

I don't have advice to add as plenty of good suggestions have already been offered, just wanted to say I care and am sorry you and your daughters are going through this extremely rough ordeal.

wanttobehealthy

Yes, he's used the bank card but once he realized I was tracking it (bc I said so in anger more than once) he started "getting groceries" and at the same time would get alcohol. So there are plenty of grocery store charges (no liquor store ones) and what he does is buy beer and wine at the grocery store and get cash back (which just shows up as part of the grocery charge) and uses that presumably at the liquor store...

Unfortunately he's spending lots of time thinking through how to be sneaky and NOT leave an obvious trail.

I have a journal I have kept and shared it with my lawyer who said it's good to have but it falls into he said/she said territory. While she believes the journal is legit, there's nothing that tells the court it is 100% factual since it's just my word vs his.

fedup3

wtbh, I forgot to mention that if you do threaten to go the route of habitual drunkenness that the divorce papers are PUBLIC docs so anyone could see the grounds.

yorkiegirl

Wantstobehealthy,

I too am crying for you and your daughters. I so hope you can get out soon! You are in my prayers.

skippernlilg

The one thing that was helpful to me during the time of my divorce, when my former husband was trying to hide his income, was I authorized a private investigator through my attorney's office to take photos for a week. Once his place of business was established, the income was easier to trace Because his income was substantially more than mine, he was billed for all the attorneys' fees and court costs in the end.

It's not that hard to get independent reports of his actions.

The cases here in Texas, where there is even a question of substance abuse, the children are awarded a guardian ad litem, an advocate, and home studies are usually ordered. These people are experts at sniffing out signs of abuse and/or addiction.

lillamy

Actually, that's a really good point: Your AH might be worried about the divorce documents becoming public... and I don't know what the law is in your state, but it would be worth checking. Here, divorce documents are public by default, unless you can convince the court they shouldn't be. Things that make you go hmm...