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Old 07-30-2011, 08:44 PM
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Scared

I made the HUGE mistake of being guilted into having AH come for a day and night on vacation with my kids, my mom and I to the beach. The girls were crying about him not coming (and he always has in years past) and I folded and he came.

I spent most of the day at the beach with the girls, he went kayaking. I met him at the rented house as I got back there to put the girls down for nap. He reeked of beer and I tried to fake not being disturbed as best I could. I laid the girls down and found him waiting for me in the kitchen. He was all over me. Yelling at me that he'd been so rested and relaxed from his kayak ride and I had to give him the bitchy attitude etc... I took the bait and calmly told him I wasn't upset with him (thinking that speaking honestly would matter since ultimately it was me who I was upset with, not him). He wouldn't stop. He followed me outside, laying into me, telling me I control him, make rules, etc... I don't want to even relive the nightmare of crap he quacked at me but suffice to say I was upset by the end of it. I sat there and didn't cry, didn't really reply to the quacking and felt trapped. I wasn't about to leave the girls asleep with him and chose to not wake them. He got crazy and looked like a mad man -- making no sense etc... Finally he petered out and it ended. I got the girls up and went back to the beach. I asked him to leave before we returned. Instead we got back a few hrs later and he was in Mr. Charming mode... making dinner, putting on an act. I figured I could handle it for a few more hours and didn't force him to leave.

After the girls went to bed, he made himself a drink and asked me to tell him it was fine for him to go out and smoke. I told him I didnt need to make it ok for him to do that but reminded him that he'd been telling me he quit and said I guessed that wasn;t true. He got in my face and punched his hand into his fist about an inch from my face and told me he wanted to "punch me in the f'ing face more than life itself"... I grabbed my phone and hit record and told him I'd call the police and he switched over to accusing me of abusing him (since I was recording him) and denied threatening me. I dialed 911 and he grabbed my phone and threw it. I went to get my phone, he grabbed my arm (I have bruises) and I bit him to make it let go of my arm. I called 911 again and my mom was in the room by now bc I was screaming. She grabbed my phone and told me to "think of your daughters" and what it would do to them to have them see their father arrested (they HAVE seen it once already). AH stood there grinning. I was bawling and a mess by now. More arguing and he then slammed me into the door leaving a bruise (yes I took photos in the next days) on my back and threw me into the pantry shelf causing all the dry goods to crash to the floor. Finally he took off.

He is refusing to leave our home (I just got home with my girls today and bc he was here and would not leave I took the girls to my moms and told him not to show up or contact me). He called the police when I took the girls and the police showed up at my mom's house telling me they received a report that I was keeping our kids from him and wanted to hear my "side". Bottom line: I have no right (bc there is no report of his abuse) to keep him from the girls and the best they can offer is I can try to file a R.O. on Monday. The officer did tell me (whether he was supposed to or not I don't know) that my AH said I had abused him (which I guess bc I bit him I did) and they told him he could file a R.O. too. First thing Mon morning I am filing for a R.O. and for the first time ever I am afraid of him. Im having dreams of him killing me and the girls and am really afraid.

I can not believe how f'ing stupid I was to invite him and not demand he leave. Please don't lecture me right now about how idiotic I am. I know. I am just really sad, scared, worried, etc... I honestly never ever believed he;d get violent like this and am in a state of shock tbh. And to make matters worse he has quite a bruise from where I bit him and is claiming that I am the abuser. He handed me a typed chronology he spent this week writing that distorts reality greatly and makes it sound like I am the aggressor and tells me his mother has hired a lawyer for him and with an evil grin told me he will "destroy" me.

I'm trying to think of small steps to take but am close to being paralyzed by fear and his threats... And I have NO proof (other than pictures of small bruises that he already claims in his chronology he observed me giving myself)...

I just needed to tell someone all of this-- clearly my mom is no use and I don't know who to talk to around here (my community)...

Anyway, thanks for listening...
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:18 PM
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I am so sorry for what you have been through. My stomach knotted up as I read. My EXAH was abusive and that was such a painful period of my life.

Please stay safe. Contact the nearest domestic violence center, please, and talk to a counselor.

I only wish I had known of such resources when I was living that hell.

Sending you gentle hugs of support!
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:20 PM
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This is the second episode of physical violence you have spoken of since you first came here. This one was much worse than the first. Didn't you guys just go to court a month or so ago over that first one? There are records of that. Get them. Go fill out the OP first thing Monday morning. Talk to your attorney, if you have one, and if you don't, then get one. Find out exactly what your legal rights are. Sounds like he's given all this a lot of thought and has been making a plan to sabotage any claim of violence from you. He is going to get down and dirty with this, so be sure you have all your ducks in a row.
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:29 PM
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I don't know what to say except call your attorney first thing Monday morning. He or she will know what to do.
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:30 PM
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I have no practical advice to give you or experiences to share. My heart goes out to you and your children. Take care. Be safe. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:40 PM
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Get the order of protection immediately. That will protect you now and down the road. My brother lost all his rights to his kids. He want abusive to the kids only his wife. She filed for an OFP which is different from a restraining order. As an abused woman you are entitled to the red carpet in the courtroom.

From what I remember, first you file the OFP then there's a courtdate within a month. He can go to jail if he even sends a text or a message through a family member. Please empower yourself and google domestic violence for your state and city. Or call 911 and tell them that you're afraid, not in immediate danger but need information and resources.
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:47 PM
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Oh.my.goodness. WTBH, my heart is breaking for you and the girls tonight. This is terrifying. Ok, you're right, you need more stable support than just your mom, who *is* wonderful about giving you the refuge for now, not so much the 9-1-1 situation. Oh well. That was then, this is now.

Now, I do believe you'll get your best support from a domestic violence center. Filing the protective order is the very minimum...there should be some other steps the professionals can help you put in place to immediately feel safer.

A Safe Mommy is a Happy Mommy and an Equipped Mommy to raise these children!

Yes, you will need a good attorney as well. When you meet with your attorney, please take your journal of all the episodes you have, in addition to the dates/times of previous arrests, incidents your AH has been involved in. You will also need all his information from his employer, his SSN, DOB, family information, etc. to turn into your attorney so they may develop a way to serve him when it's time.

You have been doing great in these past few months. This was not something a 'normal' person could have seen coming. But now, you have a glimpse of the progression and now you know all it will do is progress. Thank goodness you're in a safe place tonight!
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Old 07-30-2011, 10:32 PM
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You did a brave good thing by calling the police! And even given your reaction, this can be resolved by time and distance. Get the RO, go no contact, and document everything as factually as possible. Be true to yourself and your kids - everything else will wash out eventually.

- Sylvie, btdt.
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Old 07-30-2011, 11:47 PM
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WTBH, hang in there, friend.

I remember my first counseling session with a therapist because my brand new husband of two months had basically told me I was crazy and needed to learn how to communicate with men. So I decided WTH I'll go get a psych eval and talk with this MALE therapist about my situation, maybe he will have some good suggestions. Within 30 minutes he told me "your husband is a classic alcoholic and you need to leave now. He is dangerous. He may not be at this moment, or tonight, or next month. But someday he will. Why do I say that? Because you are in the way of his addiction and he will do whatever it takes to not allow that to happen. Take your kids and leave or you are putting your family in a dangerous environment."

I was appalled. No way was that my reality - albeit recognizing now it was a truly denial-fueled reality.

One year later, I went back to the same therapist and admitted he had been right. My husband had not been physically abusive, but there had been some close calls. Too close for my comfort. He was dangerous, not because he DID anything specific and documented, but because he was unpredictable, out of control, and therefore had the potential.

My therapist told me stories about other couples he had counseled dealing with active addictions, and at least 90% of them had a physical abuse component to it. It is unfortunately very common.

You did the best you could do in a tough situation. My heart goes out to you...it must have been very scary to have someone you trust turn on you and hurt and scare you. What an a-hole, doing that to his wife. Shame on him.

Remember when you are feeling self-doubt, what would you tell your daughters if they described being in this situation with some punk? My daughters and the example I was setting were my main motivator to get away, as fast as my car would take me.

Stay strong!
~T

Last edited by Tuffgirl; 07-30-2011 at 11:49 PM. Reason: typos!
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Old 07-31-2011, 12:31 AM
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Just went thru this with my daughter. I am crying for you!!!!

Could be different in your state.

(1) Get PICTURES!!!!! Very, Very Important for now and later court dates!!!!
And all text messages. LOCK THEM on your phone.

(2) File a protection order. Strangulation is a felony, keep in mind that!

(3)Call your local WOMENS ADVOCATE CENTER
They will get you a free lawyer, housing and they will walk you thru it all
They will go to court with you, so your not alone.
They will teach you safety plans
They will give you free counseling
They will work with the law to protect you & your girls

(4) Time to break away from your mom. Does she want to be the next one to
buy you some fresh flowers? Domestic Violence does not stop, until your dead.
It is progressive just like alcoholism...

(5) Do yourself a favor & go file a report now!! Dont wait until tomorrow!!!
They will look at how long it took you to file a report...

(6) There are great support groups online & even on facebook for Domestic Abuse!

(7) Keep your phone charged, hide it in your bra

(8) CALL THE POLICE!!!

Your kids will respect you more and you will be alive
someday to tell them the truth.......
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Old 07-31-2011, 01:52 AM
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"The Time Has Come The Walrus Said To Speak Of Many Things................."

Well now I GIVE ADVICE.

GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not wait until Monday Morning. Take some clothes for you and the girls and HIGHTAIL it to the nearest DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CENTER, NOW or early Sunday Morning.

Tell them you are TERRIFIED. That is not a lie, you are.

File your RO while staying at the DV Center.

This man is ESCALATING and it is going to GET WORSE not better.

LEAVE NOW.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:43 AM
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I can't add anything more to what's been said. Please stay safe - you and the kids.
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Old 07-31-2011, 04:39 AM
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By not following thru on the 911 call, he has now been given the power once again. The abuse will esculate.

I would follow the others advice, time to think on your feet.

Are you still moving and starting your new job in mid August? I ask that, as I believe your orginal plan was to leave the children with your husband....that has been a concern of mine, now it really make me nervous.

Protect yourself, protect your children.
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Old 07-31-2011, 05:25 AM
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Once you dial 911 isn't there a permanent record of the call? you called twice. What did you mother do after he pushed you into the shelving? isn't she a witness on your behalf?

you need to remove yourself from this volatile situation now, because he is going to get even more drunk and vicious today....if you don't want to go to a DV shelter and feel you can't stay with mom with your kids, take them to a nice hotel with a pool.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:43 AM
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i forgot to mention....Call your attorney today even if it's Sunday. I thought you had filed for separation a couple of months ago and had a divorce attorney who was experienced in alcoholics?? I think I remember reading on one of your previous posts....???
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:44 AM
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wtbh,

make yourself put on foot in front of the other, i know it is hard, but this man is enjoying your powerlessness. he seems to feel he has free reign.
not the first violence, most likely not the last.
dont let him do this to you and the girls, please.
take the great advice here, and anticipate more bad from him. what about his behavior says that you can ever trust him?
take care be careful and do not trust one word he says.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:45 AM
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he wants to hurt you, he told you that, believe that one.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:50 AM
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You are getting good advice here. The 911 calls were recorded. Your mom witnessed the shoving. Self-defense is perfectly acceptable, but it's harder to prove when the abuser makes the initial report.

Hopefully the police/prosecutor/judge are all well-trained in DV. This sort of thing happens ALL the time. There is actually a rule in NJ that requires the police to sort out who was the initial aggressor when both parties have injuries.

Please deal with this now, full force. His being arrested in front of the girls is nothing compared to the damage they will suffer if he continues to abuse you (whether in front of them or not). You were threatened and assaulted. Those are crimes. He has no one to blame but himself, though he certainly will try to blame you. Don't back down. Get help, call a DV counselor who can help you plan for your safety.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:12 AM
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I called the DV hotline in my state last night. There is NO emergency order of protection given on weekends and I knew this already. First thing tomorrow morning I am going to the court house. That's the fastest anything can happen unless I call the police (if he does something). My word vs his about what happened early last week isn't going to get him arrested right now. I have photos of the bruises (which are a lot smaller than the bruise he has from me biting him and he's pointed that out repeatedly).

We were in court in May. The result was that he will be found totally innocent if he doesn't get arrested in the next 6 months and he completes outpatient rehab. Despite drinking daily he did complete outpatient rehab and get the stamp of approval from the former A's who are a bunch of idiots running the program. AH showed up there drunk at least once and didn't get kicked out and got his "successfully completed the program" card at the end.

I guess I am just rambling... I should have called and dealt with it during the week and I didn't. I have an attorney and left him a message yesterday. I have not heard back.

AH claims he is hiking today. I am at the house with the girls. I am looking fwd to it being 8:30 am tomorrow since that's when the court house opens.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:26 AM
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I will add one thought as this happened when my daughter finally left her violent XABF a few months ago. Make sure your cell phone does NOT have an app on it that he can use to find you!!!!! There are a number of GPS apps on phones (said XABF used Longitutdes) where they can track your every move and find you. My daughter was attacked in front of her two year old daughter, by the guy googling her location using her phone to track her down. Do not make yourself that easy to find.
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