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Old 08-11-2011, 08:12 AM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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so much for peace... i've been getting non stop texts saying that his drinking isn't the problem and i am sick to be convincing myself that our marriage is over bc of his drinking. telling me i have taken no responsibility for my contributions. admittedly a part of me wants to respond and defend and try to "explain" that it's not the drinking per se as much as the behaviors/attitudes/inability to be a part of a r/s that come as a result of the drinking that are problematic for me. but he knows this. he also knows i am not blaming him and that i've made it clear that i am doing this bc i don't like who i have become as part of this marriage. it's my expectations, my hopes, my inability to accept things as they are that is the problem. i've told him this for months and am not responding to defend myself or my decisions anymore. but it's still hard. he's doing a bang up job of convincing himself that he's the victim and that i'm irrational. i guess that's his perogative and i'm thisclose to blocking his number from my cell and letting him know that if he wants to talk to the girls he will need to call the home phone and can communicate with me in writing.

sigh... why won't he see it? why doesn't he want a different life? (for himself- not for me, not for the girls... but for HIM?). how is this way of living pleasant or even tolerable for him? it's all just so sad.
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:32 AM
  # 82 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
so much for peace... i've been getting non stop texts saying that his drinking isn't the problem and i am sick to be convincing myself that our marriage is over bc of his drinking. telling me i have taken no responsibility for my contributions. admittedly a part of me wants to respond and defend and try to "explain" that it's not the drinking per se as much as the behaviors/attitudes/inability to be a part of a r/s that come as a result of the drinking that are problematic for me. but he knows this. he also knows i am not blaming him and that i've made it clear that i am doing this bc i don't like who i have become as part of this marriage. it's my expectations, my hopes, my inability to accept things as they are that is the problem. i've told him this for months and am not responding to defend myself or my decisions anymore. but it's still hard. he's doing a bang up job of convincing himself that he's the victim and that i'm irrational. i guess that's his perogative and i'm thisclose to blocking his number from my cell and letting him know that if he wants to talk to the girls he will need to call the home phone and can communicate with me in writing.

sigh... why won't he see it? why doesn't he want a different life? (for himself- not for me, not for the girls... but for HIM?). how is this way of living pleasant or even tolerable for him? it's all just so sad.
It is all so sad, you are so right on that.

We could compare texts and, I will bet, they could have been written by the same person! I did change my cell number so I could have at least one night of sleep without the middle-of-the-night drunk texts how his drinking is not the problem....yada yada yada. I tried the explanation route and it fell on deaf ears. Just the same nonsense back.

Hopefully, it will get better for you soon Maybe he will stop if you don't answer him....maybe....
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:37 AM
  # 83 (permalink)  
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Good job. Do not respond. Just another manipulation tactic.

I would suggest that you save those texts and get them to your attorney. A bit of CYA on your part.

I would also suggest that if you do block him from your cell phone, make sure you have a 'speaker' on your house phone, put his calls to the girls on speaker and 'record' them on a tape recorder of some kind. Then those tapes also need to go to your attorney as you are going to start to hear his 'manipulation' used on your daughters.

He is 'escalating' and you are certainly doing your part to 'stay the course' towards your divorce.

Remember we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:05 AM
  # 84 (permalink)  
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WTBH your AH is living in an alcoholic world, with a pickled brain. He can't think like a normie and for whatever reason appears to love to living the way he lives. Some people thrive off chaos. If he doesn't like his imagine tarnished in the public eye I can see why you wanting a divorce would drive him crazy. At this point it appears he will try or say anything to get to you. We all know you are not crazy, that he has a problem and it frankly doesn't matter why you want a divorce. He just needs to learn how to deal with it. At first I was going to say block his number, but Laurie is right let him continue to send you messages that you can give to your attorney. What I would try to do is not let them get to you (harder said than done I'm sure). His illness has taken enough from you. Try not to let it take any more. If the emails are harassing can you get the police involved to get your order now? I would ask your attorney what he thinks. Maybe all of this will be good for you by the end of it all. Let him hang himself with this crap if legally it will help your case.

Stay strong and stay calm.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:34 AM
  # 85 (permalink)  
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Save the Texts and messages, forward to your Lawyer, don't respond to him....it's like poking an angry bear with a stick...he is LOOKING for a reason to get angry to justify whatever physical actions he is capable of.

I know it is hard to not respond, but he is not logical or rational...you can get easily dragged in because of emotions.
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Old 08-11-2011, 11:20 AM
  # 86 (permalink)  
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I have no intention of responding. That's a sign of progress, right?! LOL! In the past I would have HAD to defend myself. Right now I just see it as "oh good grief... please just stop". A day ago the texts were "is there anyway we can stay together?" and "I'll do anything not to lose u and the girls; aa, sobriety, therapy" (the u typing is his shorthand!). Then last night was a different ball game and he doesn't understand why it is that the constant unpredictability is torture to live with???? Its been this way for so long and him blaming me for being upset by it for so long that we both believed this was "normal". The more removed (mentally I guess mostly) I get from it the more shocked I am by how sick we both were/are. Who in their RIGHT mind stays in a marriage where they're told that expressing their feelings, getting upset, getting too happy, being cranky, being tired, being sad, being ecstatic etc.... is wrong and stresses another person out and is the cause of the silent treatment, lies and drinking? I had to be out of my damned mind all these years. Ugh.
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Old 08-11-2011, 11:49 AM
  # 87 (permalink)  
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I could forward you phone and text and e-mail messages that say exactly the same thing. I bet they come as a free bonus to the 10,000th whisky bottle. Ugh.
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:30 PM
  # 88 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I could forward you phone and text and e-mail messages that say exactly the same thing. I bet they come as a free bonus to the 10,000th whisky bottle. Ugh.
Seriously! You are saving me from having to start my own thread because my texts are exactly like the ones you describe! It is almost comical if it wasnt so sad. :rotfxko

I learned the hard way that even a small response escalates things and my AH's ability to take a three word text and twist my words and take things out of context is almost diabolical.

My response is like a cop at an accident scene - Move on folks, nothing to see here.....

My thoughts go out to everyone having to deal with this awful disease
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