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Old 08-01-2011, 01:53 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Since you volunteered at the DV shelter you know that those working there do not judge. They will do everything in their power to keep you and your children safe.

At first I was ashamed that I had gotton myself involved with my exabf, I knew that I was smarter than that, but, I did it, so I had to pay the price. I learned that the more I reached out, the stronger I became. I also learned that most everyone I blabbed to either had a family member, a significant other or friend that was going thru exactly the same thing that I was.

Please reconsider going to the DV shelter, your mother is going to be useless in protecting you and your children.

Safety first, this man cannot be trusted, he will pounce again.

Sending hugs & support your way.
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Old 08-01-2011, 01:54 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
What's the atheist version of prayer? Because that's what I'm doing right now for you and your girls. xxoo
I just don't say god. That works fine for me.

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 08-02-2011, 04:24 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Didn't get the RO. I am not going to say I am shocked bc I am not. AH did precisely what I feared he might. He also filed one. AND he had his buddy, highly respected/shark like criminal defense lawyer contact the judge for him. I was informed of this when finally today the clerk court called to tell me the RO had not been granted and I had a meltdown. She connected me with the victim witness advocate who I'd talked to back when AH was arrested this winter and she did some "research" and called me back to tell me what I now know. AH filed too, the judge considered granting me the RO based on my report, AH's lawyer got involved (don't know more than that) and the judge decided not to grant either of us a RO.

He showed up at the house last night looking CRAZED. I've never ever ever seen the blank, hollow look I saw in his eyes and I got him out to the yard and ran inside and locked the house. Needless to say I did not sleep (again) last night.

I have an interview tomorrow that I need to prepare for and as crazy as you all might tell me I am, I have to focus on that right now and once it's over, I am going to call the dom viol hotline and suck it up and I guess go to a shelter. I am very very worried that bc the RO was not granted, AH will accuse me of taking the girls from him without permission and by leaving the house I worry that I'm giving up my right to make him leave... But I guess being alive is probably what I need to worry most about right now.

I just can't believe he's turned into this crazy person. He is the most gentle calm man to the outside world and NO ONE would believe what I am saying... no one. This is just surreal.
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Old 08-02-2011, 04:31 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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(((WTBH))) I'm sorry all that happened, and do hope you will contact the DV hotline.

Good luck with the interview tomorrow! I hope it goes really well for you.
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Old 08-02-2011, 04:41 PM
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I am sorry, your husband is clever, he is planning everything out, it has become a game with him.... a game of chess. Each move has to be thought through, planned.

As for taking the children to a DV shelter, you are not taking them out of state, so I wouldn't be too concerned about that issue.

I agree if you stay where you are, you may not have the opportunity to watch your children grow up....please protect yourself....your children need you.
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Old 08-02-2011, 04:57 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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wanttobehealthy

If you need to get out, just do it. I can tell you that you KNOW when they are crazed. My late husband never drank a drop in his life but he developed a brain tumor. He was insane and NO ONE would listen to me. NO ONE. I told his doctors, my family, his friends, everyone how bad it was. One night he came after me with a gun then took off. My oldest daughter (18 at the time) walked right up in my face and said he is coming back and he is going to kill us. I loaded the kids in the car and drove two hours where he could not find us. The next day I came back and went straight to the police station. They had just found his body. He committed suicide.

I tell you this only to emphasize that you KNOW when he is crazy and you just need to get yourself and children some place safe. I cannot tell you how surreal this all was to me. He was sweet and gentle and after his death people (those I had told before) would say gee I didn't think he would do something like this.

Driving that night I kept thinking I was the crazy one and should turn around and go home. I feared scaring my kids. And I prayed and prayed and prayed. It is surreal but keep yourself safe. It is better to act and it all end up for naught than the alternative.
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Old 08-02-2011, 07:36 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I have an interview tomorrow that I need to prepare for and as crazy as you all might tell me I am, I have to focus on that right now and once it's over, I am going to call the dom viol hotline and suck it up and I guess go to a shelter. I am very very worried that bc the RO was not granted, AH will accuse me of taking the girls from him without permission and by leaving the house I worry that I'm giving up my right to make him leave... But I guess being alive is probably what I need to worry most about right now.
Hello,
Going to DV shelter is really good as a proof that something is going on, from there you can let the police know that you are in a safe place with the kids, that you did not kidnap them or something.
When I was in the shelter, the cops called to ask me questions, because the school had informed them (because when I left I picked the kids up from school during the day and let one of the teachers know what was going on) – I was really upset, felt like I was treated like a criminal !! I was under so much stress, I just passed the phone to the shelter’s phone attendant and asked her to explain my situation for me (and she did). Then all was OK, the cops just came in to check we were there and the kids were OK.

Then came the scary thing about AH taking the kids back by court order:
The thing I got very scared about when I left was that AH was going to get the kids back. Lawyers really scared me about that. Where I live there is something called an emergency motion, that you have to file to make sure you will have the children (otherwise he may go to court without telling you and get an order to get the kids returned to him, on the grounds that you left with the kids). So for this time is of the essence, it’s really a matter of who gets in there first. Turns out I assumed AH was much more ‘with it’ than he actually was, because he did not do anything, just drank for 7 days straight which gave me all the time I needed. But in your case, as your AH seems to have good legal connections and to be on the ball with everything, this is definitely something you have to check into asap – laws may differ where you are.

As for you leaving meaning you may not be able to make him leave the house…
In my case, I left with the kids, went to the shelter, got everything organized from there, and my lawyer wrote in the separation agreement that I was to be living in the house, and he was to leave, and it stayed like that until the house was sold. First thing I did when I got back in the house, was to change the locks that very same day.

Last – about your interview, if you do not feel well at the start of it, do you have the option of saying you have a very serious family emergency and ask for the interview to be rescheduled?
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:30 AM
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How did the interview go for you? I hope you get the job/promotion!

HG
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:52 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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It might be more difficult for you but it's time to take care of business. You have two young children that need protecting. I hope you find a way to do this.

My thoughts are with you.
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Old 08-04-2011, 06:20 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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The interview went horribly. I teared up during it bc I am at my breaking point. I have my lawyer writing up whatever the hell it is they write up to a) have him removed from the house and b) file for divorce on the grounds of habitual drunkeness. I am going to see her early this afternoon and am hopeful that AH will be served asap.

It's NOT a good sign that at my appt with D5 with her T yesterday she told me (she appears in court a lot I guess as an "expert" witness in custody cases) that bc I don't have a long record of calling the police and expressing fear and bc he has a job and is well respected in the community and bc he has "successfully" completed rehab twice I need to be very very very careful that my requests for sole custody and my complaints about his behavior are based on facts and not emotion bc otherwise I will look like the angry, vengeful ex wife and he could wind up with the girls more often.

Hearing that infuriated me and I have lost any respect I had remaining for the legal system. I already saw how useless it was the first time he was arrested and the "consequences" he faced (none). I was denied a RO bc he got a well known lawyer to work for him for free bc he is a sociopath who has the world convinced he's a saint. Now I have to be careful about how hard I fight for my kids (I am trying to f'ing protect them btw-- he's going to have them ALONE most likely now which will mean they'll be in farrrrrrr more danger than they were when I was here with him and could make sure he left them alone) bc he's such a saint to the public and there's no real record of how horrid he is and I'll just look like the alienating mother he is trying to paint me to be.

I know it's my fault for not doing this sooner before he got nastier and more out of control. Please don't tell me that right now. I know.

I am doing the best I can right now to end this asap and be sure my kids are safe. The reality is that he will likely have unsupervised visitation with them and that means that they will be in danger and I'll have no way to prove that until he kills one of them (his anger at D3 is disturbing and frightening), neglects them to the point of harm occuring or harms himself and the girls and someone else while driving drunk.
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Old 08-04-2011, 06:35 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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WTBH
Do you have a journal of events? Can you remember specific dates of different events? If so, write it all down. Start making a log of every little infraction (if you haven't already). Also, do you have friends and family who are willing to write a statement of times they have seen his behavior? You mother? Siblings? Any little thing may help your case, especially if it comes from someone other than yourself.

I'm so sorry your interview did not go as well as you hoped. :ghug3
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Old 08-04-2011, 06:54 AM
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I need to be very very very careful that my requests for sole custody and my complaints about his behavior are based on facts and not emotion bc otherwise I will look like the angry, vengeful ex wife and he could wind up with the girls more often.
This is very good advice WTBH. I understand how infuriating and unfair this struggle has been for you. It was a dark and stormy night for me too, for about six months. My ex showed up at court smelling like last night's booze and a burnt crack pipe. He left before the proceedings were over.

Please try not to assume the legal system is unfair. I was terrified, but when I asked for help, I got it and reassurance when I needed it from my attorney counselors.

Beth

I have more but I have to leave.
Strength sent to you.

Beth
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Old 08-04-2011, 07:13 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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(((WTBH))) you are an intelligent, strong and capable woman, you may not feel like that right now, but you are. You are doing your best in extremely difficult circumstances. There will be no judgement here, I look back on the things I should have reported ex for, and didn't and wish I had. But I made decisions at the time based on the information I had available then. We don't make decisions and plan our lives thinking we'll end up here.

This is not your fault.

Can you ring the DV/shelter place? I know you are embarrassed, but they more than anyone will understand, and not judge, they are a powerful resource for you in terms of understanding how your legal system locally works, and exactly which steps are needed, how to present your case etc, they can help you prepare evidence. Your AH is enlisting "allies" and you need to as well, so that you are not on your own throughout this.

((WTBH))
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Old 08-04-2011, 07:37 AM
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Is going to the shelter still an option for you? There you will have people who can advocate for you and it's evidence that you are scared of him, and rightfully so.

I'm still livid at what he did to you, and your mother's reaction. Ugh.
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Old 08-04-2011, 09:56 AM
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your girls are very young. they require a lot of care and attention and are too young to give a cell phone. If your husband ever has them by himself, he is not going to know what to do with them, they will interfere with his own plans and he will not have patience to interact without someone to do the work...I am betting they will spend most of their time with his mother, and although this is not what you want either, it would be a more stable place for them.

good luck at the attorney's office.
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Old 08-07-2011, 04:57 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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At the time being AH is not asking to be with the girls at all. He is interested in talking to them on the phone and pretending he misses them.

They will not spend time with his mother bc his mother lives nearly 2 hrs away and the girls and I will remain here where we live currently.

My lawyer unfortunately confirmed that although I have a detailed journal with dates/events and have emails from years and years past and present that AH has sent that discuss his behavior and his out of control drinking, it is all questionable in court. The emails could be said to have been faked, the journals are a he said/she said issue.

She told me that I certainly can have the firm hire experts to do all the tech research required to prove the validity of the emails and we can have a trial but she recommended that we attempt mediation first. She will represent me. He can have his own atty if he wants (I won't be telling him that) and there will be a mediator. My lawyer and his (if he gets one-- I assume the lawyer who made sure the RO was not granted will continue to work for free for him since the community we live in sees him as a saint) will hash out the parenting plan and she will do all she can to get it settled out of court. She said that she imagines it will be fairly easy to get a judge to agree that IF he has unsupervised time with the girls that he will be subjected to random drug/alcohol testing. That's reassuring a bit. And ideally, he won't have unsupervised time with the girls.
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Old 08-07-2011, 05:12 PM
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Well, your situation certainly supports how important it is, when one is in jeapordy, is to call 911 and follow through with a RO.

I do not judge you or your decisions, I only have the best interest of your children at heart.

I know that you are doing the very best you can for your children, for that, I have an immense amount of respect for you. As a child, my considerations were never of any importance to my mother.

Keep moving forward, left, right, left, right.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:38 PM
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wanttobehealthy I swear your story is identical to my most recent incident with XABF minus the kids plus more abuse.

I'm so sorry, the truth is nobody comes out clean in these relationships with volatile addicts. You will be tarnished and shoulder blame as well for being the victim. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:04 AM
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He knows he has you scared. I think it is the Lundy book that says the alcoholic loses the ability for guilt and remorse because of the substance. Your Mom is from a different generation. It is already effecting your kids. Document everything. Do not engage with him if he is using or under the influence. My situation got scary also. Get the PO. Talk to an attorney who is aware he is an alcoholic who could put your kids in danger if left alone with them. Protect your kids. Leave the kids with your Mom and make an Alanon meeting !
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post

your mother's reaction. Ugh.
sounds like the mother has NO CLUE on what to do and what to suggest...she too needs AL ANON...
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