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Ok, all my newfound growth is facing a major test.

Old 10-27-2010, 03:47 PM
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I'm as bad as I want to be...
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Ok, all my newfound growth is facing a major test.

He hasn't talked to me in over four months. All of a sudden he calls me today to say he feels really bad about the way he has been treating me and he wants to spend time talking to me and take me to lunch. I asked him if he was trying to serve me court papers lol. He said no, I would just like to hang out with you.
One part of me screams, " it is a trap, he sees that you have been backing off and living your life and he wants to suck you back in."
one part of me says, " Heck right, you have been treating me badly, now it is time for you to make it up to me and lunch is a good start. It can't hurt to go to lunch."
I do not know what to do, but just do not want to be hurt . I feel like we could be amicable and it might be nice to have him apologize.
What I the world am I thinking?
I felt so strong earlier, and planned for him to slowly fade away ..I did not think about him being nice to me anytime soon and had planned on having a few more months of al-anon under my belt before I would have to really interact with him.
I do not feel weak, or anxious, I am wondering if it is too early to meet him for lunch but I am uncomfortbale that I felt happy hearing that he wanted to apologize to me. Why now?
I just started being able to not react to his irresponsibility, what do I do with an apology. I kow that he is trying to work on the steps in AA and this might be a part of it.
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:02 PM
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hey-

that's a funny thing isnt it (well not really), but we can get blindsided at any time. we can feel so good about ourselves and so confident and then on call or text can casuse us to question things. if you have that fear about being sucked back in, maybe you can hold off on it. you dont owe him anything, so maybe you can just say you'll get back to him and then take a day or two to relax and think about it.

four months is a long time in some ways, but it is also just about the time we start feeling good about our life again.

i don;t know your whole story so i guess i really cant say much other than do what you feel is best, but take the time to find out what that really is.
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:08 PM
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I'm as bad as I want to be...
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Yes, you are right! I feel like the road to recovery and peace is so slippery. All I know is I have not found peace trying all of my methods in dealing with him. So I really need to rely on al-anon and meetings . I am not hopeful, Im just very puzzled. Honestly, I am trying not to be mad at myself for feeling happy tht he wanted to apologize, becuase throwing that into the mix isn't going to do any good.
I am praying that I bring my higher power with me to any lunches I might or might not go to this week!
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:10 PM
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Is that his picture?
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:12 PM
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Do what you always do..get what you always got.
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:20 PM
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your gut is already telling you what you should do.

listen to your gut it is always right,i know this from experience.

take care and good luck whatever you do xx
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:45 PM
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hiya-

gee, let's see. you start getting on with your life and now here he is, trying to suck you back in. an apology and lunch?

you always have the option of saying "no thanks, i'm busy." in my opinion, that would be the wise option.

however, if you do go, take what he says with a grain of salt. talk is cheap. we like to imagine them like a big duck, quacking....quacking "i love you. i'm sorry" and then nothing changes. just a bunch of words.

pay attention to what they DO, rather than what they SAY.

don't take the bait. the easiest way to do that is to not see him.

naive
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:55 PM
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No better way to test out your new flippers than to jump right back into the water. Try not to read too much into it. Of course you'd like to hear an apology, there's nothing wrong with that. Just ask yourself, how much further than an apology do I want this to go? Draw that line wherever it is for you right now and set that boundary. Then go if you want, have fun, YOU pick the place and make it someplace you really want to go to, and order the most expensive thing on the menu.
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:58 PM
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I'm as bad as I want to be...
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No the puc is from the movie Charlie Bronson. I really like the actor ... Plus I'm sex starved, so I feel like a teenage girl crushing on any half naked actor. He was suppose to be the strongest man i'n England at a certain time so he is kind of my motivation to be tough
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Austinchica View Post
One part of me screams, " it is a trap, he sees that you have been backing off and living your life and he wants to suck you back in."
I'd bet my money on that one.

Look at his past behavior.

He didn't have a magic genie show up and turn him into Mr. Wonderful, my dear.
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:14 PM
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...had planned on having a few more months of al-anon under my belt before I would have to really interact with him.
Maybe this answers your question? Are you ready to meet with him yet?

If you decide to go, be prepared for a whirlwind of emotions. The kind that cloud your vision and scramble the common sense synapses in your brain.

If he is in recovery, then he will respect yours, no matter what you decide to do.
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:21 PM
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Can I just show up and show him how well I am doing ? My new job, my confidence, some cool things he missed out on ? Or is that reacting ? I want him to see that I didn't crumble when he left me . Is this really the opposite of serenity ?
I think my main motivation is to get his apology and to show him that I did not need him , I did not fail like he said I would, and I didn't run after him either. I did fine by myself for my daughter and I want him to know that. Is that ok ? Or part of a pattern ?
I keep imagining that he will be rational . When will I stop expecting him to be rational . I'm imagining us talking about all of my accomplishments like they would even matter . He can make my head spin with his logic . I never know who will show up to lunch , the sweet one or the scary one. I cannot handle the scary one.
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:30 PM
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the more someone tells me how they have got it going on, the less I believe them.

I think it is a defensive reaction (and oh, so normal.)

Why does it matter what he thinks of you?
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:30 PM
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It sounds OK to me. But really only you can know if it is healthy for you. Do you have a therapist who you have been working with?
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:35 PM
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I know me...I would go for the lunch, a very nice one,..as L2L said.

But I would take my attitude with me.
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
the more someone tells me how they have got it going on, the less I believe them.

I think it is a defensive reaction (and oh, so normal.)
aaah got that sentence..thanks!!
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:46 PM
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I never know who will show up to lunch , the sweet one or the scary one. I cannot handle the scary one.
To me, this is an excellent reason NOT to go.
But, I do understand that pull to see the "sweet" guy.


Bring a pic of your avatar guy, and think of him as your recovery and how strong it is.
IF you cant bring that strength with you, I would stay away a little longer.
Or, meet for coffee after a meeting.

Beth
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Austinchica View Post
Can I just show up and show him how well I am doing ? My new job, my confidence, some cool things hemissed out on ? Or is that reacting ? I want him to see that I didn't crumble when he left me . Is this really the opposite of serenity ?
I think the best way to show him all that stuff is to say you're not interested in 'hanging out' right now... maybe some other time.

I think my main motivation is to get his apology and to show him that I did not need him ,
Uh...did he say he wanted to apologize or that he 'just wanted to hang out'. Why are you expecting an apology?

I did not fail like he said I would, and I didn't run after him either. I did fine by myself for my daughter and I want him to know that. Is that ok ? Or part of a pattern ? ......I'm imagining us talking about all of my accomplishments like they would even matter .
See Live's quote below for your answer to this one...
Originally Posted by Live View Post
the more someone tells me how they have got it going on, the less I believe them.

Why does it matter what he thinks of you?
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:58 PM
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If there is the slightest chance that being with him, could blow your recovery progress apart, say thanks for the apology but I can't make f to f contact right now.

This the man who treated you and his baby girl badly, heaped his anger and bitterness all on to you, and after 4 months silence, suddenly feels remorseful.

Whether it is because he is in a recovery program, has amends to make, or just needs to suck you back in to the unhappiness you left, you don't know.

Frankly my dear, if it were me I would be finding out more before I had personal contact with him, and making sure I was as strong in myself and my boundaries, as I could be.
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:01 PM
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I'd find something else to do.
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