Austinchica

Went to lunch. He ****** someone else and now I'm beautiful and he wants to go to counseling . I don't know how I feel or what to do . I don't feel good .

LaTeeDa

If he wants to go to counseling, what's stopping him?

As was said many times in this thread, his actions mean everything. His words mean nothing....

L

Learn2Live

Austin, honey, can you believe me when I tell you this has NOTHING to do with you? I have been in this EXACT same situation so I know you do not feel good. What I have learned is these people really need for you to believe that what is going on with them, and what they are doing, has something to do with you. They need to include you in their sick lives so that they do not have to actually see reality.

Honestly, is this his way of apologizing to you? Because him telling you that he ****** someone else does not sound like an apology to me. It sounds very familiar to me, and it sounds like he is trying to SHOCK you into coming back to him. It's the dance of Codependency. He's expecting you to become all emotionally hurt and desperate and seek out the comfort of being with him. My XABF did the same thing. Several times. And it worked. I fell back into that dance several times. After the second time, I resolved not to fall for it again. My ex ****** a MINIMUM of three people other than me during the time we were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship (I believe it was probably closer to six or more, I only found out about three) and now, two years later, he is STILL calling me every couple of weeks with flattering words, and telling me I am the one for him, we are meant to be together, etc etc. They are opportunists.

I don't think this guy you are talking about is honest and I think he is trying to trick you. Please don't fall for it. If he wants to learn how to be a better partner, he can learn that on his own. You don't need to be there for it; you've probably already told him a million times what you wanted him to do. The BEST predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I recommend going No Contact and Al-Anon. (((hugs))) AustinChica.

Austinchica

He said it is none of my business if he ***** someone or not because we are not together. That we should go to counseling to get along for our daughter. Then he kept saying how beautiful I looked . I went to the bathroom and tried to say the serenity prayer.
I felt awful and confused.

keepinon

OK well at least that's over.I have a cheap way for you to get counseling..your local women's shelter should have free/low cost counseling there. Sounds like he is thowing the line out there and seeing if you'll bite. Think this through..play it out to it's MOST LIKELY CONCLUSION. btw..the fear of someone else getting the new improve version of their guy is what appears to be the #1 reason people hang on ennndlleeesssllyyyyyy...read some of the other threads..when they finally let go of the fantasy, that's when something real could come into their lives...wish I could come to Austin and shke you by your shoulders, but I already tried that w/my daughter and it didn't work

Summerpeach

Ok, when I read the first few posts, I was going to say, well if he's working a program and you're working a program, then sure, meet him to see what he has to say, but now that you say he tells you he's banging someone else, ugh! That's cruel and abusive.

There are good men out there in recovery who truly want to make amends and work on a fixing their relationships, but it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near being healthy.

Austinchica

He was acting high . There is no point i'n going to counseling since everything he says is a lie. Everything he does is a lie. He didn't even know how to spell my name and he didn't know it was my birthday on the day he made the appointment .
He's nit going to stop having sex with her , but he wants to see if me and him can learn to get along. I should just pack up my bags because this is crazy .
I was the only one who did anything these past four months . Now instead of scheduled visitation he wants me to call him when I want him to see his daughter . To show him that I am putting effort into communicating . How messed up does he think I am ? I am making major plans to move now that I see how bad everything really is.
There was no hope and counseling isn't going to make him better and he is definitely not sober.
Oh , but I am a beautiful perfect angel . That makes it all ok .
You guys warned me . I didn't listen.

keepinon

Sometimes we gotta see for ourselves. Now you know.

Live

I understand having to see things for ourselves.

We all do.

We have done it many times, rest assured.

You are all ready using the knowledge you gained in making those plans of your own now.
Perhaps you wouldnt be freed up to do this until you heard and saw what you did.

Learn2Live

Well if it was none of your business, why did he tell you?

fourmaggie

I also wonder if him working with a sponsor the past four months has changed him

in recovery...they say it takes 1 year for an ALKIE...to get back to the normal "BRAIN" function matter...and 1 year in recovery with no relationships...
now ,to me he has done either! go to these AL ANONs and yes go to AA, there is no harm in learning more and more about this disease!!...u see its a disease...we are all powerless over it....

go and research ....its all good to know....

TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME....go in my blogs and read the slogans...good to refresh them in your mind...

Summerpeach

There is no hope for an active addict, but he seems to be an addict and cruel and mean.

I'm sure you're truly disappointed because we keep this idea in our heads that they will get well and be ok.
In the meantime, while he's out getting laid and falling deeper into his sickness, get to al anon, stay away from men, work out, eat well and make new and fun friends. You will see how quick you'll heal.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry that the lunch didn't go well.

Now you know.

Hang on to that anger and keep making those plans to move for your sake and your daughter's.

naive

good work going into the bathroom to say the serenity prayer!

and yes, that is crummy that you're supposed to call him when you want him to see your little girl. that puts it all on you. don't fall for it.

and this is so that communication improves? i hope you can see how ridiculous that is.

i wouldn't hold my breath that he'll book that appointment for the counselor either. just a bunch of quacking probably.

sorry he's confused you all over again. just remember that the next time he wants to take you out and spare yourself the rollercoaster ride.

fourmaggie

I hate QUACKING...!!!