Blogs


Notices

dating recovering alcoholic

Old 10-30-2010, 05:04 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 5
dating recovering alcoholic

I have started dating a recovering alcoholic. I have known him a while. He was divorced about five years ago. Being divorced I know it is difficult to date again. My intention was to date casually a few times. I enjoyed his company and their was chemistry. I allowed it to progress a bit further.

This person has not drank between 3 and 4 years. He is very bright, kind, caring person. I have concerns about getting more involved with him because of the alcoholic history. I don't want involved in that. I can guarantee no matter how difficult it was I would walk away if he drank again. However I admire what he is doing.
We have similar values, political beliefs and get a long quite well. He is building his life back up slowly, emotionally supports his children etc. I really enjoy being with him. The negatives are the history of active alcohol abuse and is is a bit too clingy.

He attends AA and seems committed.

So all that being said I welcome any information or advice.
painfree is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to painfree For This Useful Post:
CatLover1234 (10-30-2010)
Old 10-30-2010, 05:36 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi painfree and welcome to SR!

Your concerns are valid and wise, my dear!

There will never be a guarantee he will stay sober the rest of his life. I've been around the halls of AA since 1986, and I've seen many go back out the door to never return.

You said emotionally he supports his children. Does he also support them financially?
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
painfree (10-31-2010)
Old 10-30-2010, 05:44 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
There are no guarantees in life and definately not any when you are dealing with an alcoholic. This is a life long struggle and a relapse can happen at any time.

With that said, I would keep my eyes and ears open...and, most importantly...trust my gut.

Keep posting, we are here for you.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (10-31-2010), painfree (10-31-2010)
Old 10-31-2010, 06:33 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 5
Does anyone else have anything to say? This person emotionally supports children. No need for financial, they are grown
painfree is offline  
Old 10-31-2010, 07:00 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
TatliGuzelim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by painfree View Post
Does anyone else have anything to say? This person emotionally supports children. No need for financial, they are grown
Hi PF: I agree with the other posters as far as no guarantees are concerned. Considering that I never knew the alcoholic in my life as sober for more than one month at a time, I don't have much value to add here. Unfortunately, at this point in my journey I have no objectivity when it comes to alcoholics - sober or drunk. You might find it helpful to review the posts of the members who are are living with recovering alcoholics. (You can do a search if you click along the SR menu line above.) Just wanted you to know that I wasn't ignoring your post. I wish you well.
TatliGuzelim is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to TatliGuzelim For This Useful Post:
painfree (10-31-2010)
Old 10-31-2010, 07:02 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
When you say he's "emotionally supporting" his kids, what does that mean exactly?

And he's in AA but has he ever worked his steps? Does he have a sponsor?
Addiction is not just about drinking, Drinking is the symtom to an underlying problem such as mental issues.
Dating a recovery A is fine as long as they stay with their program and work the program.
Even if he never drinks again, if he didn't work on WHY he drank, there is little hope for happiness
Summerpeach is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Summerpeach For This Useful Post:
CatLover1234 (10-31-2010)
Old 10-31-2010, 07:41 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 5
Emotionally supporting means has over for dinner, checks in on them, maintains a relationship, visits at school, father of the year actually.
painfree is offline  
Old 10-31-2010, 08:22 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
That's not emotional support.
Emotional support is listening to them, offering them spiritual guidance, allowing them their good and bad.
It sounds like he's there physically more.

You say his kids are older, was he there for them when they were younger?

Also, did he do his steps, does he have a sponsor?
Summerpeach is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Summerpeach For This Useful Post:
painfree (10-31-2010)
Old 10-31-2010, 08:31 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Thanks for the clarification on his children. I was thinking in terms of younger children, not adults.

Being clingy indicates insecurity. Personally I can't engage with someone like that.

I briefly dated a guy who had been sober 2 years, and although he wasn't physically clingy, he was emotionally clingy. That's a huge turnoff for me.

It got to the point where he was calling every day, sometimes more than once, and I eventually stopped answering the phone. I had asked him not to call every day, and apparently he wasn't going to listen.

He ended up drinking again, and that was the end of that. He's been out there drinking for over 3 years now.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 10-31-2010, 08:37 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There are never any guarantees. There are red flags to be concerned about, but even if all of the signs are stellar, there is no guarantee of happiness, whether he drinks or not.

Even if he weren't alcoholic, there are no guarantees.

Go slow, keep your eyes and ears (and mind) open. I don't see any need to grill him on what he is doing about his recovery. You might share with him that you are understandably concerned about his continued sobriety. Ask if you can go to a meeting or two with him. If he's committed to AA, that will be a big part of his life in the future--it's good to get an understanding of the program and what it involves. Lots of spouses and partners show up at open meetings.

You might also want to check out Al-Anon. It's great for partners of people in recovery, too. Even people with great sobriety hit bumps in the road now and then, and everything won't be a bed of roses all the time. Of course, that's true of non-alcoholic relationships, too.

I actually found it pretty nice being married to an alcoholic in recovery. We later divorced for other reasons, but it was in many ways a good relationship, even if it wasn't a great marriage (we are still good friends to this day). What's nice about having a partner in recovery is that they have emotional support outside the relationship. It didn't all fall on me to keep his spirits up when he was down, for example. Sometimes I'd just suggest he call his sponsor or one of his AA friends, who did him more good than I could have.

Just another perspective. I think you're smart to be thinking about what this might mean to you.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (10-31-2010), painfree (10-31-2010)
Old 10-31-2010, 09:10 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
That's not emotional support.
Emotional support is listening to them, offering them spiritual guidance, allowing them their good and bad.
It sounds like he's there physically more.

You say his kids are older, was he there for them when they were younger?

Also, did he do his steps, does he have a sponsor?


No he did the steps. I guess I am being too broad with the answer, somewhat fearful I guess who might read this. He has majorly emotionally supported, caring supports feelings. Talks to children in college as much as they are open to. Young adults in college are working on starting their own life so that can be a challenge. Listens to problems. He was there when they were younger as well.
painfree is offline  
Old 10-31-2010, 09:22 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Speaking from the view of a recovering alcoholic myself, I didn't just work the steps once. It's an ongoing, lifetime process in recovery.

I just don't know enough about his recovery to say much more. There are no guarantees he will continue to stay sober long-term, and that's the only thing I can state with 100% accuracy.

I hope you continue to post, and I'm glad you found us.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
painfree (11-14-2010)
Old 10-31-2010, 09:29 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Speaking from the view of a recovering alcoholic myself, I didn't just work the steps once. It's an ongoing, lifetime process in recovery.
is that not so true....? the steps are always a lifetime change...alcoholics finishes the steps, off to the traditions and once they are done, you start all over....its a continuing lifestye...and a moral inventory of themselves everyday....
fourmaggie is offline  
Old 10-31-2010, 09:36 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
is that not so true....? the steps are always a lifetime change...alcoholics finishes the steps, off to the traditions and once they are done, you start all over....its a continuing lifestye...and a moral inventory of themselves everyday....
Not only the daily moral inventory, but morning prayer and meditation, turning my will and life over to the care of God, carrying the message to others, and practicing these principles in all my affairs, just to mention a few.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
HealingWillCome (10-31-2010)
Old 10-31-2010, 09:42 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Not only the daily moral inventory, but morning prayer and meditation, turning my will and life over to the care of God, carrying the message to others, and practicing these principles in all my affairs, just to mention a few.
to me...that is working the HONEST program
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
painfree (10-31-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:56 AM.