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Ok, all my newfound growth is facing a major test.

Old 10-27-2010, 06:03 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
I'm as bad as I want to be...
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Ok .. I do have some bad motivations. I want to punish him for leaving me without electricity and food and then not talking to me for four months. I want him to feel crappy that he messed up and didn't try to take care of his daughter. I want him to see that I am strong when I know he will just try to tear me down.
Same pattern we have always had . He's a major jerk , I get angry and punish him i'n some form or another, he avoids me and runs away, I get depressed or angry that he ran away, then when he comes back I punish him for running away .
I'm not sure I trust myself and might just wait til I feel ready but if i cant then I will not feed into it by stirring the pot. God , I am so mad that he has been having fun with his aa girls he hangs out with while I have been crying at home with the baby.
I want him to think I have been having fun . How do we get over the anger even when we understand we have no control?
I hate him for leaving me and making it so difficult . I really hate the things he has done . Do I have to work all the steps before the hate goes away?
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:07 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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after awhile you become mostly indifferent

I still hate some of the things others have done that impacted me.
I just don't think about it very often
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:10 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
I'm as bad as I want to be...
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P.s my therapist kept telling me he wanted me to feel angry at my ex , since for so long I just made excuses and made it ok. What do I do with all of this anger ? I didn't think I was angry at him but I sound pretty angry . I didn't know I felt angry at him like this .
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:18 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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i'm with jadmack...do what you need to do to protect your recovery.
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:19 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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As I worked through the steps, especially the 4th and 5th, a lot of that anger melted away.

I will say that a certain amount of anger can be healthy in motivating ourselves to move forward.

He hasn't contacted you for 4 months, so am I correct in thinking he hasn't seen his daughter during that period?

That alone would motivate me even more into no contact.

When I left my abusive EXAH, there were definitely times I had that urge to rub it in his face that I chose recovery, and he chose to go back to active addiction.

I never acted on that urge. I'm glad I didn't.

The best revenge is living well.

He was toxic for me, and it was best to walk away and never look back.
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:29 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
I'm as bad as I want to be...
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He didn't see her for a month. Saw her twice the second month and then two to three times a week the third and fourth month . He would only say bye to her and tell me I will see her Wednesday at seven ect ect. He did say it all depended how I acted and that he wasn't dating anyone but that was really it . Also that I must have given her ringworm from bringing her to filthy places . Haha . But that had been the extent of it . I would call him if he wasn't on time or didn't show up. He also vented on me twice i'n four months and called me a name or two . But he would purposefully try to keep the conversations under a minute he told me. So it was very weird that out of the blue he calls me to go to lunch.
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:05 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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If you're going to have sex with this guy, please use protection.
Which I'm not saying you ARE planning on doing; I just said that because of what you posted earlier.
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:34 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
I'm as bad as I want to be...
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That I am sex starved? Lol
Well I will try not to, I thought that too. Maybe he just wants sex . I want it too but do not want him controlling my life again. We always used protection btw, had a major accident with the protection . I wasn't that careless . Just should have waited to get to know him for three months before I had sex .
I did work with him for eight months prior to dating him and thought he was a great guy. He never tried to sleep with any of the girls that threw themselves at him and I think that is what first got my interest. I thought he wasn't like all the rest . See what thinking does? Haha
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:42 PM
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I thought he wasn't like all the rest . See what thinking does? Haha
LOL
In AA we have a saying.
"Our best thinking got us here."
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Old 10-27-2010, 08:16 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Sooo, my daughter had addict bf who is in our town..her therapist says..absolutely do not let her come home yet. she thinks she has it together, but when that pull is ther..and he sys all those things she wants to hear..she may not have enough recovery yet.Iam hearing that with you.As a momma I wanna say NOOOOOO..as a sister...same thing..NOOO. What if he says everything you want to hear? Will you be right back at square one..be honest with yourself.
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Old 10-27-2010, 08:19 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Now you know he is just another jerk, and not Mr Wonderful.
By the way can you tell this old bird, how going to bed and having sex with this utter scab, is you being angry at him, paying him back for his neglect of you and his own baby girl?
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Old 10-27-2010, 09:22 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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This guy is not the only man in the world. Get a "friend with rights" who is healthier. Better than that and less risky is a "friend with batteries". This guy is not the only source of pleasure. And what you are looking for is not in his arms or in his words or in his heart or in his.. lol. Nope. Nothing in there.

I read your ego talking but not your spirit. The ego wants to demonstrate, show, feel superior. Why? because you don't feel at peace with yourself yet. (happens to me, too... this lecture also goes for myself, just in case I came across as "holier than thou"!)

Once you start knowing how you truly are and realizing all your qualities and gaining more strength, your true spirit will start shining and there won't be a need for your ego to show or demonstrate anything to this guy or any other guy or living entity.

YOU will know. And that's enough. And some people will see it right away in your actions and your glance and the way you walk and the decisions you make. And some people will ignore you and never really see you. And the people that have danced the abuse dance and want to keep living in Misery Land will no longer be attracted to you. There is this invisible line they won't be able to cross.

THEN we can start talking about pleasure and joy, the one that is real and never ending and resides in the scent of a flower and feeling the sun shining in your shoulders, a tasty gourmet meal (or a hash brown potato!), at night when you feel the beat of your heart and why not, when having damn good sex with someone who is good at it AND cherishes you in all levels.... yes, by then you will be in a higher state of consciousness and the past will start fading, like a bad dream... ok in its place, a building stone and nothing more.



NO is a complete sentence. Why not pick a really nice place to have lunch with, invite a good friend you haven't seen for a long time, and ask the dish that looks the tastier TO YOU? and the drink you prefer, alcoholic or not?? a lunch where you can actually feel valued by yourself and have a true ally next to you, who is also willing to spend a good time and has NEVER EVER DONE HARM TO YOU, and won't do any harm to you in his or her life, because its just NOT who they are??

Those are the people you (and me) need to be having lunches with!!
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:06 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I believe it was "sun shinining ON your shoulders". Sorry I am not a native speaker

I also wanted to say what has helped me with so much anger is KICKBOXING. While hitting an imaginary entity I picture ex and anyone else I resent. I hear a voice telling me "let him have it. kill him." of course with an understanding with God that It's All for Me to be free of that garbage- and in my heart of hearts I don't want anything bad for anyone else.

So next day I run into XABF and I feel a little easier and remember "I killed the person who hurt me the night before". So there is nothing else to feel in the morning. Continues to work for me....



Are you seeing a therapist?
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:20 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Why not pick a really nice place to have lunch with, invite a good friend you haven't seen for a long time, and ask the dish that looks the tastier TO YOU? and the drink you prefer, alcoholic or not?? a lunch where you can actually feel valued by yourself and have a true ally next to you, who is also willing to spend a good time and has NEVER EVER DONE HARM TO YOU, and won't do any harm to you in his or her life, because its just NOT who they are??
that's a great idea!
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Old 10-28-2010, 08:29 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I think my main motivation is to get his apology and to show him that I did not need him

the best way to show him you do not need him may be to not see him
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Old 10-29-2010, 07:38 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Thank you, I had been too depressed to work out , too depressed to eat, or think about having sex or going on a date. It's been all about the baby and trying to hold it together . For some reason , I don't want my ex to move on . I keep thinking , I don't want some other girl to have the family that I couldn't have. I'm afraid if I start dating I will just be doing it out of loneliness and not because I feel like getting to know someone. Plus I still have a lit of emotional energy tied into the past and it doesn't stop because I want it to. Yes, my little battery friend is doing fine and says hi ! Lol
Can I be honest ? I also wonder if him working with a sponsor the past four months has changed him . He does crappy things still but he has never apologized for anything i'n the past three years. Ugh . At least I found al-anon . At least I'm not alone anymore, at least I don't think I'm the crazy one anymore . Ok , at least I know how I contribute to the craziness . There is hope .
I do not see a therapist . I cannot afford one at this time.
I was seeing one for the past year but finances have gotten tight.
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Old 10-29-2010, 08:26 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Austinchica View Post
I keep thinking , I don't want some other girl to have the family that I couldn't have.
Do you know what another family got when my EXAH remarried, and to an older woman with half-grown kids? They got an addict husband/stepfather who was HIV+. He died a few years ago from AIDS-related complications.

Somehow I think I got the much better deal in life, although I am sad that he died as a direct result of his addiction (he contracted HIV through sharing needles with someone else while I was in rehab).

You say he's trying to work the steps, and has been working with a sponsor the past four months. Short of you being with him every minute of the day, I don't see how you know that to be true. Talk is cheap.

He is also an abuser. That is an animal of a different color as far as I'm concerned. The steps won't clear that up in my opinion.
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Old 10-29-2010, 08:50 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
The best revenge is living well.

He was toxic for me, and it was best to walk away and never look back.
I'll 2nd that.

The anger thing--it can come in handy (it's better than being an enabler) but at some point (at least for me) you have to let it go so it does not eat up your life and your love for life.

You have done well--you remind yourself of that as you continue your recovery. He does not need to know that. He is not important. You are.
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Old 10-29-2010, 09:39 AM
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You say he's trying to work the steps, and has been working with a sponsor the past four months.... I don't see how you know that to be true. Talk is cheap.
right on, freedom. my xABF would say just about anything to lure me back into his web.

i think if someone was in true recovery, they would be taking steps to be accountable for the damage their addiction had caused those around them.
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Old 10-29-2010, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
my xABF would say just about anything to lure me back into his web.
Amen, sistah! I call it smoke and mirrors.
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