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Old 08-20-2010, 07:23 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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OH GIRL! I have been in the SAME boat as you... only advice keep paddling! I remember too clearly feeling the same way you are right now. In my past posts I have one looking very very similar to yours! Along with the posts you are receiving you should take a look at my post and see my responses also!

My boyfriend had been trying to find a bed, and when it finally opened up, had to leave right away, 2 hours away and I couldn't see him that morning. He had no idea how long he would be gone, or when he'd be able to call. I was distraught. I was SO HAPPY he was getting the help he needed but my heart was missing him so much it was hard to get my mind straight. The only piece of mind I could find myself was the fact that I knew he was safe. He was not on the street, he was not getting into trouble, he was not laying in bed sick, he was not ODing somewhere. He WAS with people going through the same things he was going through, he WAS with people who had been where he was, he WAS with people who could do more to help than I ever had a chance at doing.

He is taking the steps he needs to so that you and he can have a healthy relationship, just try to remember that. It is going to be tough for you, but you should try to take this time to better yourself and get educated. He needs you to be strong too. I know that in the beginning I could never imagine getting by without him, and my addict has been in rehab for 6 months now.

Read as much as you can and keep your head up. The people at this forum really know what they are talking about, I would never have gotten through what I have gotten through without them!

Please keep posting and private message me if you want!

xoxo
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:07 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Red face

Thank you tormentedmirror, I realize how easy miscommunication is on the internet. And THANK YOU everyone else, the advice has really helped. It's great to know there are people who understand, no one else in my life has ever had to deal with this. The next al-anon meeting in my town isn't until thursday, so it's nice to know I have people to talk to who understand. It means so much to me, thank you again.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:17 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by megan09 View Post
If he only checked in this morning, there really won't be much to tell you as such. I feel your pain and fear, and I also urge you to go to Al Anon to get some support. Well done for dealing with a cocaine habit; are you in NA or AA yourself? Hugs. xxx
Thank you, it wasn't easy! No I didn't do rehab or NA or AA or anything; I got pregnant! I quit coke, pot and drinking and haven't gone back since. I occasionally drink with my friends, but it's rare, I'd rather not. I was so miserable when I quit I knew I never wanted to feel that way again, so while there has been many temptations, the life I have now is way too important to sacrifice. The potential is there, I know, but school and Kira (my daughter) our family; means to much to let me go down that road again. Thank you for your understanding and support.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:20 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I am so glad you came back sadpanda.
Good you are here, and yes, you will hear from everyone along the journey to recovery.

Beth
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Old 08-21-2010, 07:08 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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More whining and selfish thoughts

I just don't understand... I don't understand how the well being of our daughter and our relationship was enough for me to stop a 2 grams (or more) of cocaine, drinking and smoking till I passed out everyday habit of 3 years. I don't understand why that's not enough for him, why he had to abandon his family. I know, I know, he won't be gone that long; but right now it's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. It hurts that we're not enough to overcome this on his own; I DID! I just don't get it!

Why does he have to leave us to get better? It makes me feel like I'm the problem, like if he just gets away from me everything will be fine. How horrible of a person am I that the love of my life has to leave me for who knows how long just to quit drinking? It doesn't seem right or fair for anyone but him!

Why couldn't he suffer and deal while still taking care of his family like I did? He did cocaine in front of me while I was pregnant; if anyone should have had to leave, it was me! I have done nothing but be supportive and he leaves me and his daughter to fend for ourselves; it seems incredibly weak and selfish on his part.I could have easily given up, left him and hid away in some rehab, but I didn't! He has doctors, meds and counselors; I have unpaid bills, full-time school schedule starting monday, school club meetings to organize(I'm the president of PRSSA), a job, no car and no reliable daycare. We had a deal! He would support our family and watch Kira while I was in school, and when I got out he would return to school and I would be the bread winner.

How am I supposed to explain this to our 3-year-old. All he told her was that daddy was sick and had to go to the doctor; I'm gonna be the one answering "Where's daddy?" everyday! What am I supposed to say?? Daddy can't be around us right now? How awful is that?? My grandma died recently so now anytime she doesn't see someone for a while she assumes they're dead. How could he not think about that before he decided to rip himself from our lives?

None of this makes sense to me. He has told me several times (and I agree) that he doesn't think alcoholism is a disease, it's a choice, a choice he admitted he made. No offense to anyone but I think saying any type of addiction is a disease is a cop out for being a weak individual. My whole life I have watched my aunt struggle with heroin and my uncle with crack and they both used that as a crutch and an excuse to keep doing what they were/are still doing while screwing over their families. Man up, take responsibility for your own actions! I could have easily said my addictions were a disease and used that as an excuse for killing my baby, but I knew that was wrong and when it came right down to it, it was my choice whether or not I did. Cancer is a disease, no one chooses whether or not to have cancer, you can't walk to the corner store or call up a dealer to buy cancer, that's ridiculous.

He has been babied his whole life by the women in his family (esp his mother and sister) and since I wouldn't do that for him he had to run away to get his coddling somewhere else. I have definitely moved on from sadness to ANGER! Why am I expected to deal with this alone and be o.k. with it? How is that fair? There have to be other ways than just up and leaving your family, no matter for how long. People keep saying he needs to be away from all distractions to get better, since when is family a distraction, it's supposed to be a support! How is getting support from strangers who know nothing about him or our family any better? It feels like an emotional cut-off, like an emotional affair. He will be airing out personal things to someone I don't know!

I know most of it will be about his past before me, but it doesn't seem right that some stranger is going to know the intimate details of my life with him, and judge me accordingly with me none the wiser. It sickens me, literally. I am a private person and the thought of some strange person knowing personal things about my life does not sit well with me, especially when I'm denied any input. This is just not about him! And I hate that everyone acts like it is! Why am expected to be the strong one? No one was there to meet my every need while I was detoxing and fighting temptation, I didn't get any congratulatory phone calls! I had no one to lean on or tell my problems and feelings to and I made it through!

Everyone keeps telling me it will be better for us in the end, but what about right now?? Who's going to help me pay bills and rent, who's going to watch Kira while I'm at school, work or the many other responsibilities I have? If I had known this was going to happen I wouldn't have taken on so much, but it's too late now!!

He called this morning and I listened and was supportive but it was so hard not to scream at him. He keeps saying "I'll be fine" everyone who calls says "He'll be fine" I know he'll be fine!! He has his every need met and no responsibilities! No one is telling me "You'll be fine", "Kira will be fine" I have no guarantees of that! I don't know how this is going to effect her in the long run. A major part of her everyday is no more and she can't grasp the concept of "daddy will be back in 30 days" (or however long). If daddy's gone, he's gone. How is that fair to her?

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

Disclaimer: This are personal feelings in my own head not shared with him; though I do feel that after he is healthy he should know how much this hurt me and our daughter. Thanks for "listening" to me vent!
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Old 08-21-2010, 07:20 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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ALSO, when I was diagnosed with bi-polar I had the option of leaving him high and dry for 30 days to get better, but I didn't! I couldn't leave my him and our daughter like that! I worked through the **** while STILL taking care of my responsibilities!! Again, no congratulations, no worries, no coddling from anyone, just me dealing with **** like an ADULT! How can I go through all this **** and not take it out on my family but not him? I dealt with my problems and didn't make ANYONE suffer along with me, why can't he do the same for ME??
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Old 08-21-2010, 07:52 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Being bi-polar will not kill you or anyone else. Being an alcoholic can and does kill both the drinker and innocent others every day. Anytime someone drinks and then gets into a car and drives down the road, not only is his own life at risk, so are the lives of innocent people just going to the grocery store or the mall. There really is no comparison to taking medication for being bi-polar and getting help for alcoholism.
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Old 08-21-2010, 08:16 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Being bi-polar will not kill you or anyone else. Being an alcoholic can and does kill both the drinker and innocent others every day. Anytime someone drinks and then gets into a car and drives down the road, not only is his own life at risk, so are the lives of innocent people just going to the grocery store or the mall. There really is no comparison to taking medication for being bi-polar and getting help for alcoholism.
If you don't think that being bi-polar can kill, you're wrong. Depression, suicide, lashing out, not eating or sleeping for days, weeks; all things that can kill. He never drove because we don't have a car. He drinks because of issues he refused to deal with, anxiety, things from his past. I don't see how that's much different from me dealing with my issues head on. I have a chemical imbalance, he just didn't want to deal.
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Old 08-21-2010, 08:27 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Sadpanda, I'm really sorry you're having a rough time. I completely understand your frustration over your husband going somewhere for treatment when you didn't need to do that yourself to get off the coke. However, I firmly believe that alcoholism is a disease and that often someone who has it does need to get outside help - even go away to treatment for a period of time. It sucks for you and your family right now, but I'm certain that if he were to not get help in treatment he'd eventually be incapable of being there for you, of working, of caring for your child. You're going to have to make peace with this.

My brother in law is an alcoholic who has been going to AA every single day since he got sober a year ago. My sister (his wife) is not an alcoholic and can drink like a normal person. He lost his license for a year and for a long time she had to do all the driving and all the childcare (they have two toddlers) - and she really resents the fact that he has to go to meetings and spend so little time helping with the kids or around the house. You're not alone in your predicament. But like my sister, you won't have any peace about the situation unless you just accept the fact that things are the way they are at the moment...and they'd ultimately be much worse if the alcoholics you both love were not getting the outside help they need.

Do keep posting...I'm so glad you didn't leave the forum. I hope I helped.

Stephanie
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Old 08-21-2010, 08:27 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Bi Polar is a mental illness just like addictions are and I agree, bi polar is AS damaging as addicitons.

And YES, people should get through hard times together. Sometimes "together" can be together in spirit and apart physically.
You already made a great start by helping yourself in order to help him "together", you came here to talk.
If you want to continue the road to recovery with him together, get to al anon and you will have your "whys' answered.
Not everyone has the same level or strength, you were able to change not having to leave maybe because you had more strength, maybe he can't
We are all different.

The KEY to this crazy ride of addiction is to know, and seriously know, NOTHING they do it personal.

Please keep posting and reading.
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Old 08-21-2010, 08:34 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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"If you don't think that being bi-polar can kill, you're wrong. Depression, suicide, lashing out, not eating or sleeping for days, weeks; all things that can kill. He never drove because we don't have a car. He drinks because of issues he refused to deal with, anxiety, things from his past. I don't see how that's much different from me dealing with my issues head on. I have a chemical imbalance, he just didn't want to deal."

You're right...bi-polar and other mental illnesses can indeed kill. I assume you've received medical treatment for your bi-polar, meds or therapy. Your husband needs treatment for his alcoholism as well...and the fact is that sometimes treatment for alcoholism or drug abuse has to be done in an inpatient setting. Please realize that his going away has nothing to do with you - it's not because he needs to be away from you and your family, he just needs to be in the treatment setting he's in to get better. If you love him you'll try to understand this.
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Old 08-21-2010, 10:45 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I don't think It has anything to do with strength, will power etc.

I am also bipolar...type I, mixed, severe.
That's a serious (and can be life threatening illness)
Anyone who tells me to just get my sh!t together, deal with it, snap out of it, pull myself up by my bootstraps, get a job, grow up, just get outside & get some fresh air.....just doesn't know enough about my illness and is actually giving me advise that can be extremely damaging to me.

I have proven to myself time and time again that I can't will myself out of depression, make myself sleep when my body won't, not even banish the intrusive suicidal thoughts from my head.

My grown daughter was pretty darn disgusted with me the last time I was hospitalized. She says she had a bit of a struggle with depression a little while back and still held all her responsibilities.

Yeah, whatever.
My illness, as is alcoholism, tends to be progressive.
I hope she hasn't inherited this from me and I hope her drinking habits never turn out to be alcoholism.
I have read that alcoholism can be related genetically to bipolar, depression and other things.
Dropping over indulgence in booze hasn't been any big deal to me.
But I have seen alcoholism up close and personal...and I have known people who didn't stand a chance without hospitalization and treatment.
For them, it is an illness just as real as my bipolar is to me.

I know that anyone who doesn't have my illness can be sympathetic and supportive but they can never really know or understand what it is like.
I know I don't understand alcoholism. I just want to say...so quit drinking, for God's sake!
I also know that doesn't work...whether I understand it or not.

For any and all of us...it takes what it takes.
I sure as hell didn't want to go to the hospital and be locked up. I hate it.
But I didn't have a choice (literally)...I have gone in by choice before. There is no one time fix.
It requires a lifelong treatment.
Alcoholism is a lot like that too.

My family can get mad at me all they want. And they have.
You know what? All that happens is that they get to be mad.

But, anyway...seeing as how I am probably twice as old as you are....
you really don't want to be with, be around or deal with someone with untreated alcoholism.
It is one of the single most heart-breaking things I have seen.
It will destroy everything!

At least they have medicines for what I have!

I hope this helps and you can find some peace with this.
It really is for the best that he is getting treatment.
Without it...you would lose him anyway...and the untreated way is far, far worse!

Support and love can't heal this.
If it could none of us would be here.

hugs
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Old 08-21-2010, 11:29 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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ps...it is so normal to be mad about alcoholism disrupting your life!

It just isn't healthy for you to stay that way.
It isn't healthy for anyone,....but especially for someone (like us) who has bipolar...we have to keep life low stress and drama or we get sick.
THAT isn't worth it to me.

Maybe you can focus on enjoying and spending more time playing with your daughter.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:03 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Hi Sadpanda,
sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It is normal you feel hurt, sad, angry and probably a lot of other things too. And not only normal, but helpful too if you work your way through your emotions and try to learn from it.
I understand you're angry, and you need support, but sometimes it is good to try to consider something that you might even don't want to hear. I've dealt with my husband's alcoholism for years, and for me the only thing that helped me got better, lessen or even remove the pain was working on myself, questioning myself, trying to figure out why do I feel the way I feel. For years I used the excuse this is what every normal person would feel and do, life should be like... and that was just making me stay stuck. Only when I dropped my defenses and started thinking about me and questioning me I started to move in the right direction and my pain started to lessen.
If I were you I'd ask myself this question: Why do I find it so hard to spend some time without him? Am I afraid of being alone? What am I afraid of? Why is this so hard even though he is trying to get help?
Reading your posts this strikes me as a big issue for you. I hope you don't mind me saying this, as I'm only trying to be helpful, as I do believe if you were to find the answer for this question (but the honest answere hidden deep inside of you, not the first one you have, as that is usually IMHO just your defense mechanism that's making you stay stuck) , you'll start moving forward, and the pain will not be as ovewhelming any more.
I really hope you'll consider this.
Take care.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:32 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Welcome Panda (bear)

I'm so glad you came back. I didn't finishing reading all the posts - I'll go back.

Just know that THIS is the process.

Some things can be tough to hear, some times your going to think everyone is out of their minds and that nobody cares and nobody could possibly understand.

It's part of the learning. Learning about alcoholism and learning about yourself.

Keep an open mind keep posting and reading.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:54 PM
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Thanks you guys. I know a big part of me feeling this way is my insecurity. I'm disappointed that the treatment center didn't give me any info on how to deal with this. I just really didn't want to go back to therapy. I'm gonna be so busy regardless, it almost seems like trying to find the time and a sitter would be more stressful than helpful. So glad I have this place to come to!
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Old 08-21-2010, 03:16 PM
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Holy Cow!!! Panda

More whining and selfish thoughts
You can vent with best of them!

My recovery alcohlic husband has been sober for 15 months now. Before that it was relapse and recovery over and over.
I finally had to separate.

6 months away from his family and hitting rock bottom helped him decide what he wanted for his life and what he had to to to get it.

First his sobriety, which enabled him to get his family back.

He has try to explain why he would choose alcohol over his family for so long, I heard him talking but I never truly understood, I never will.

But it does matter what I understand, just that he does. I'm just the bystander to his alcoholism.

It has no baring on how much I love him or care for him or any of that. It's just the realization that HE owns his disease. It took years to learn that (I didn't know about SR and I didn't like Al-anon) so that's that.

This is going to take time for you to get where you need/want to be.

You will go through every emotion in the book and probably make up some new ones.

Yes your heart will feel like it's been ripped from your chest (among other delightful feelings - learning to cope with those emotions are part of this process.

Learning how to control those emotions that control us - so that we're not walking zombies just getting by miserably.

But you can get throught this - look at where you have come from -
Good God!!! this will be cake 7

Well... maybe not I just wanted to use that smile.

We are here for you Sweetie
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Old 08-21-2010, 03:36 PM
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It feels like my life revolves around the phone now. Waiting, hoping he'll call, never knowing when. I do not like uncertainty, I have (well I guess HAD) my life planned out for the next two years and now it's all in disarray. Which is another part of my problem with dealing.

Thanks Christie, love the smiley!
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Old 08-21-2010, 03:58 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sadpanda View Post
It feels like my life revolves around the phone now. Waiting, hoping he'll call, never knowing when. I do not like uncertainty, I have (well I guess HAD) my life planned out for the next two years and now it's all in disarray. Which is another part of my problem with dealing.

Thanks Christie, love the smiley!
I went through the same thing. I got over it after about a week. Don't get me wrong, hardly a moment goes by that I don't wonder what she's doing, what she's learning, how she feels...but at some point I had to move. Just move. Focus on work, clean the house, do laundry, go to the grocery store. I guess it's a little easier for me because I do have some contact. If not with her, then with her counselor.

I actually got a lot accomplished today. My housekeeper quit a few weeks ago, so of course with the emotional roller coaster ride, I hadn't really gotten much done around the house. It was quite therapeutic to clean the back splashes, floors and toilets. I think I cleaned up a whole cat worth of fur balls. The laundry is almost caught up, thanks to a wonderful husband who can clean circles around me any day.

I'm trying to have everything done and out of the way by the time she gets home. I want to be able to focus on getting reacquainted, moving forward, and having a good time. We all have much to learn from each other. We're all making changes, for the better.

Panda, don't be sad. Be busy. He'll be home before you know it.
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Old 08-21-2010, 04:44 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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One thing I've discovered, is that the more I kick and scream (lol, that's usually figurative, but occasionally literal) about a situation I don't like, the more painful the whole thing is.

If I can BREATHE, and ACCEPT the fact that the situation is what it is, it loses some of its power over me. It's the resistance that hurts. It doesn't change a darn thing to mentally resist reality, but it does make me pretty miserable. On the other hand, if I accept the situation as being how things are right now, I can take some actions that will do ME some good.
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