HealingWillCome

I ended my relationship with XABF 5 months ago and today might have been the most painful day I've had. Three months ago, I thought I was on my way to healing and moving on. I've backpedaled...bad. Horribly bad.

I can't get to acceptance. I had it for a while. But today I feel like I'm going to snap. Like I can't take another day. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss him so badly I feel like my limbs have been ripped from me. He is in my thoughts every minute of the day...no matter what I am doing, he is there, underneath everything. It has been this way for weeks, and I don't know how to change it.

The problem is something I have created for myself. I don't WANT to let go. I just don't. I know it is MY problem and that I'm allowing myself to stay in this place of pain. But I don't want to let go of him. I know there is no guarantee of his recovery. There is nothing, not one thing I can do to make this end the way I want it to. But I am afraid to let go and move on and lose him forever. I am still clinging to the hope of a miracle that will allow us to be together some day. He is not a monster. He is a man with an illness. I know you all understand this. You've all been there. I feel very alone right now.

He is still sharing his life with another girlfriend. And maybe someone here can help me understand this...please, any insight might help... He loves me. I know it, I feel it, I am certain of it with every cell of my being. I was always certain of his love and that is why this is so hard for me to understand. Yet he stays with a girlfriend that he has kicked out of his apartment three times this summer...and he has taken her back every time. He has told me he doesn't love her, that they disrespect eachother, that this is the most juvenile unhealthy relationship he has ever been in. Yet he keeps taking her back. Now he is moving to a new place and she is moving in with him. Is it the addict in him that needs the instant gratification of a live-in girlfriend? Is it the addict in him that loves the drama and chaos of that kind of relationship? Is it two lonely, unhappy people unwilling to give up and be alone? Is he trying to convince himself that he cares about her? Maybe he does really care about her. I know it's impossible for anyone here to know what is in his head, but I need some perspective.

I don't want him back. He is very much aware of this. We know we CAN'T be together. We both need healing of our own kind. It would take huge efforts to repair the mistrust that has destroyed our relationship. It would take a miracle. The very last thing he told me is that he wants to be the man who can give me his everything. He wants to be the guy I want, but he is not that person right now, despite his attempts at recovery. He told me he thinks about me every day and often. I believe him.

When we were together, he didn't drink, he didn't smoke pot. That was his 2nd life, after he went home to his apartment at night, and in his part-time bartending job two nights a week. Those were the things he was trying to beat while we were together. He couldn't do it. When we were together, we were a family, doing fun, healthy, happy family things. But his 2nd life was the mistress. The alcohol, the marijuana, the need for attention from other women in his bartending job...they were the mistresses that ended up being his first priority and were the reasons I left.

Our relationship was nothing like the one he is in now. I don't understand why he stays in it. It hurts deeply to know that he is sharing himself with someone else.

The last time we talked, he told me to keep the faith, that he will be coming back for me. Manipulation? I think he believes what he said, but I know that I can't believe him. Promises of an addict, I know. He hasn't asked me for a thing. I haven't promised him a thing. He believes that I have moved on. He believes I am living a happy, fulfilled life. He doesn't know my pain, that I am dying inside because I miss him.

Starburst

(((Hugs))), sorry that you are still feeling like this, but, if you want to heal, you have to let this go, no matter how painful. You can move on in life if you stuck behind... it is now definately time, to JUST LET GO AND LET HP. By lettting this person invade your thoughts all the time, you are giving them control over your mind, it is up to you to chose how you are going to go forward, there are so many better people out there in the world. How would you know if you don't go and experience it? Please take care of you, this person is NOT worth all this pain and agony!!!

Live

It sounds like your thinking and enotions are all awhirl.

I was in a similar situation once. But when he moved a girl in shortly after me, thinking I was out of town for awhile and did not know......and I admit I called him and he wanted to meet up with me but not at his house (how I found out)....it hurt,
but I just decided that was the last blow to me and my pride. that was something I wasn't going to do. I chose to be stubborn and have no contact at all.

He's got a girlfriend living with him and by talking with you like that and speaking of love and etc....he is being unfaithful to her. That's cheating.

No doubt he has the romance words for her too. Probably the same ones he wooed you with.

Well that just made me sick to my stomach..not to mention my heart.

It sounds flattering when they tell you she is not that important that you are their love.
but mine had cheated on me...so I began to see how he operates.
I did not want to be the other woman knowing how it felt to be the one living with him.
It is such a sick game. Everyone gets hurt but him.

so, the truth is he has got 2 women all awhirl about him.

Maybe more from the bar, who knows?

I personally can't deal with that.

Why talk to him at all if it just results in you feeling upset?

It just isn't rational for you to be all about him when he is living with a woman.

There is a lady here (Minnie) who said:
Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.

I hear you about the wholesome family time you spent. I (we) did alot of that too....I see now it was when his kids visited. and we as a family unit was an illusion. It was one I liked...okay Loved...but it wasn't real.

I can't just pick out the good times and ignore the rest...or have waited for him to realize how things were supposed to be.

I joined this site in desperation over him. That was a few years ago.

Want to know what he is doing now? The same things.
Drinking his way to insanity and juggling women..tho' he has had to lower his standards.

I AM sorry you are hurting.
For me distance helped so very much.
The longer I was free of the bs, the more I realized I just didn't want any of that in my life.
It hurt, I was depressed.
But I have gotten over it completely.
He is pretty much just a joke to me now. Something I never even think about.
That wasn't love. Love doesn't act that way.
I just fished it out of memory because I saw some similarities.

I hopem you stick around and keep posting.
There is so much strength here.

It saved my life.

hugs

HealingWillCome

Starburst, in my head, I know you are right. Every day, I try to focus on three things: 1) Let go and let God; 2) Live life, and 3) Love from a distance. I have been in that place where I have loved life, lived it happily and peacefully. I want it back. I am still living in the illusion that this man is the one. He is not healthy right now, but somehow I am letting myself believe that someday he will be. It is ridiculous...I know that in my head but can't shake it in my heart. I continue to let him occupy every moment of my thoughts. I don't know how to get him out of my head or my heart. Even when I am doing other things, he is always there.

HealingWillCome

Thank you, Live. I want that peace back. The same peace you have found. I want to get there.

transformyself

Well this is my story too in so many ways, at different times of my life.

Have you seen that thread about The Damn Book Club? I bought the book yesterday, it's called The Journey From Abandonment To Healing- Susan Anderson.

I believe healing these old abandonment woulds of mine is the last (hopefully) thing I'll have to do before being healed, truly, and I can stop holding myself back from greatness with my own emotions.

How's that for a Leo thing to say!?! Greatness!

Experiencing the ongoing, relentless pain you're describing has been a way of life for me and I'VE HAD IT. Sick to death of it.

I don't have magic words, just a hug and prayer that you find peace.

HealingWillCome

Thanks Transform.

Yes...heavy sadness here...I was the one who recommended the abandonment book back in the original boundaries thread.

I know that my problems all stem from abandonment wounds. I have read the book (some parts multiple times), worked the exercises, and I am still working on this. I can't believe how far I have backpedaled this time.

I am also sick of it. Sick of it. Sick of it.

This man has a grip on me, and I want to be free, yet I don't want to let him go.

What is really bothering me is that I don't ever want him to love anyone else. Have you ever felt that way about someone? I don't ever want him to love anyone but me. I don't think he loves this girl, but I'm terrified that he will let himself love someone besides me again.

It may sound delusional, but I know he and I have a connection that without addictions and abandonment issues would make us unstoppable. We just do. It hurts, unbelievably bad.

silkspin

I've often heard that as codependents, we are also addicted, just to a person rather than a substance. These words truly reflect how difficult it is for us - and these kinds of words also allow me to have compassion for how the alcoholic feels about the booze - if you sub the word alcohol for 'he' in your first sentence, this is I guess how it feels for them. Heart-breaking really.

I heard something in an al anon meeting a few weeks ago that was quite powerful. The chairperson said he would visualize a life-sized bottle, then the alcoholic clinging to that bottle. And then us clinging to the alcoholic. That's another heart-breaking reality for us. Through recovery he visualized himself letting go of the alcoholic. This is what you are doing now and it's draining and painful but it is also powerful and empowering.

The other thing that helped me when I went through a horrible breakup is that my sister told me to visualize a large red STOP SIGN in my head anytime my thoughts went to a bad place. It served to make myself aware of my thoughts and then I could decide to put them aside and it helped to stop going down the 'stinking thinking' road and refocus my energy. One baby step at a time.

My sponsor talks a lot about being ready for things. You may not be ready to move on because you are still meant to deal with your feelings. It's ok to feel the way you do, don't knock yourself that you should be feeling better by now, because everyone deals with things in their own time. Be gentle with yourself, and allow the feelings to come through. Don't focus on where you should be with getting over him; instead focus on where you are and it just may make things more manageable.

chicory

QUOTE]'' I don't want him back."[[/QUOTE

Imagine that he comes, moves in , while you are at work. you come in , see him there, he is back in your life. How do you feel?

If you feel as you stated- that you dont want him back- then i would think that you know , deep inside, what you really want. You have to listen to that voice, and take care of yourself.

I know it hurts a lot. I wonder too, if you see the other woman in his life as "he doesnt want me"? Maybe it's as you said, that they are two unhappy people unwilling to suffer being alone. misery loves company. but then, he probably knows that you deserve better than he can give. He will make the choices that he really wants to make.

If he has liked the attention of other women, that is a big red flag too. it happened to me, with an EXABF- he had to have the adoration of women. he was insecure. he drank to oblivion. he moved in with a girl, called me while she was in the shower, told me that he had made a mistake. she called me, said, "he really loves you, i know he does". ended up that he would not stop drinking, so i did not want him in my life. he ended up marrying her, had two kids, still drinks, is divorced now. they had a horrible life together.
i have no regrets there. It hurt, but i really saw that he had problems that i could not, would not even try, to fix.

hang in there. go no contact- that helps. you cant make things be what they are not.
You are going to be alright!
sending a big hug((((((((((HealingWillCome))))))))
chicory

HealingWillCome

Thank you, Silkspin.

HealingWillCome

No contact, no contact, no contact. They are moving 20 miles away from here and that will help.

Thank you, Chicory.

BuffaloGal

I did something like that when my then-husband elected to stay with his girlfriend instead of working on our marriage. I imagined myself inside of my heart, this big red room, with a hammer and a stack of 2x4s. Every time he would come into my heart space I would push him out a door (which I visualized) and then hammer boards over the door. Lots of them.

It was a very satisfying image.

And ditto on being ready-- no matter what you may read or be told, there is no set schedule for healing heartbreak. It takes as long as it takes. Treat yourself carefully and try not to "should" at yourself too much. That healing and acceptance are still there for you, even if you're not yet ready to let go. In a way I have made a choice not to let go of my ex, and I have found it possible to recover and let him go his own way, but still love him.

For what it's worth, I know my ex is still entangled with me to some degree... yesterday he told me a stupid lie intended to hide the presence of his girlfriend in his life, he says "I'm" doing something when it's really "She and I" are doing something. He does this often, it's like breathing for him. He still gives me smoldering looks when his girlfriend isn't around (I don't think he's consciously aware of ogling). And he refused to deal with my post marriage (now ex) boyfriend in any way, both while we were dating and up to the present.

But he could not love me on equal, honest terms. He isn't strong enough. Weirdly, it isn't even really a reflection of his value as a human being. When we were together, he did fight his weaknesses... but he seemed not to have the internal strength to win. He tries, and recently he has started making better choices in regards to caring for his child. He hasn't left himself any good options, but he does seem to be making an effort with his current life situation.

His rejection of easygoing, egalitarian me and choice of an immensely controlling woman as his life partner is not personal. It is not about me, I didn't fail, I didn't do anything wrong. He has his opportunity to learn and grow or to continue suffering, and so do I.

And so do you. *Hugs*

HealingWillCome

I love that visual. I will try it. I found that after a while, my yellow caution tape and DEAD END sign weren't working for me anymore. I tried them again today, but they are kind of weak now. I love the idea of taking care of my own heart in a visual.

Thank you for sharing your story, BuffaloGal. It is close to home for me. Thanks for the reminder that the rejection isn't personal. I need to keep telling myself that. In fact, I know he wants what I have, what we had, I know he loves me. The internal weakness is too much for him. It just is what it is.

He has kicked his girlfriend out three times and she keeps going back. He must like the control he has, the ego boost it gives him to be wanted so badly by her. That was never me. When I was disrespected, I left him. I never tried to control his drinking or drugs, never nagged about it, never told him what he could or couldn't do. The entire time we were together, he was trying to change, heal. I supported his efforts and loved him through the whole thing. Admittedly, I did things to please him by giving up opportunities and activities for myself. But I wouldn't give up my self-respect and dignity, those were too precious to me.

Thanks for sharing.

BuffaloGal

Me neither: For the majority of our relationship I did not nag, punish, enable or manipulate. I wasn't raised watching those coping tactics and I find them puzzling. When I said I couldn't take anymore, I wasn't trying to force him to change. I was simply stating a fact. And now, six years after our separation and three after our divorce, I have this: I can look at myself straight in the eye in the mirror and look at the good and bad parts of myself and be OK with everything that I see.

His girlfriend makes weak excuses to me about his bad behavior: I don't buy, I've been through it, and I feel sorry for her. She is a beautiful and capable woman and she is not doing herself any favors by feeding either of us this tripe. A major turning point for me was when I began to feel more sadness than hate for her.

HealingWillCome

We sound a lot alike. I really, really hope that I can reach that same place of feeling sadness for his girlfriend, rather than what I feel now. I really don't like the way I feel about her or them together. Mostly, I just hope that he never loves anyone again the way I know he loves me. Selfish? Maybe it's not a sign of my true love for him, because I should want his happiness if I really love him? I do want his happiness, and I have respected that he needs to be without me if he wants to heal for himself. So I have let go in that way. But the thought of him loving someone else....oh, so painful. I can't wait to get to where you are.

Babyblue

"And maybe someone here can help me understand this...please, any insight might help... He loves me. I know it, I feel it, I am certain of it with every cell of my being. I was always certain of his love and that is why this is so hard for me to understand. Yet he stays with a girlfriend that he has kicked out of his apartment three times this summer...and he has taken her back every time. He has told me he doesn't love her, that they disrespect eachother, that this is the most juvenile unhealthy relationship he has ever been in. Yet he keeps taking her back. Now he is moving to a new place and she is moving in with him. Is it the addict in him that needs the instant gratification of a live-in girlfriend? Is it the addict in him that loves the drama and chaos of that kind of relationship? Is it two lonely, unhappy people unwilling to give up and be alone? Is he trying to convince himself that he cares about her? Maybe he does really care about her. I know it's impossible for anyone here to know what is in his head, but I need some perspective."

Let me take a stab at this because my guy has an ex gf who is trying to make sense of his situation with me. Trying to find out all about me (of which she knows so little about and I like it that way). You HAVE To let go of him and here is why.... You won't know what they share or what goes on between them because he will NOT tell you the truth about their relationship. Not even close. You are on the outside looking in and assuming things.

He isn't telling you the full story. He isn't telling you a fraction of the story. You see drama and chaos but do you really know anything about her? What she deals with or how she handles him? You don't know what they share, you will never know. You won't know what she does or doesn't put up with.

You need to walk away from him for your own sake. Nothing on the outside is as it seems. And you can be sure he has told her things about you that make her wonder as well about you. It sounds harsh but its true.

And I'm not trying to be harsh or unsympathetic, it is just interesting for me to see how so much is assumed about the 'new' girl based on so little accurate information.

Let it go.

HealingWillCome

I appreciate your perspective on this, Babyblue. First, I want to say that I don't try to find out anything about her, and that has been my conscious choice. They live 1/2 block from me, so I see them coming and going which I try to avoid constantly.

What I do know about her is what he has told me and what his son, who lives with him, has told my neighbor. It is not because I've asked a single question. When he kicks her out, he calls me to tell me it's over and then tells me how juvenile and unhealthy the relationship is. His son tells my neighbor the same story about them. He tells me how much he loves me, misses me, thinks about me. What I tell him is that even though I care about him, I can't go back to him because we both have a lot of healing to do. And then he takes her in again.

What I am guilty of is trying to figure out why tells me how much he loves me, misses me, and thinks about me, yet he stays with a girlfriend that he has been fighting with and kicking out of his place off and on for weeks now. What I am guilty of is loving a man, an addict, an alcoholic and not wanting to give up hope, and trying to make sense of it all. Even when I know better.

I appreciate your point that I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors with them. I have thought about that many times, and I understand that there is something that attracts her to him that makes him keep taking her back in.

No one knows better than I do that I have to let it go. Right now, it is painful because I love him and don't want to give up hope. No one wishes more than I do that I could let it go. For whatever reason, I am just not ready yet, as much as I want to be. Someday I will be there. Right now, I am trying to work through it.

groybin

It has been 2 weeks of no contact with my XAB, after he told me last month that he is reconciling with his ex-wife. From what I know about their relationship, it is full of drama. They have both publicly humiliated each other over the years and unfortunately they have 2 children caught in the middle of this.

I don't understand why someone would want to return to a life like that, but that is not my problem. All I know is that I deserve better, that I deserve a man who is committed only to me... not to other women, not to the bottle, not to a drug... just me. period.

Hang in there... keep reading... keep posting... believe that better days are ahead.

BuffaloGal

I myself don't make assumptions about the new girl-- my descriptions of her, both positive and negative, are based on my interactions with her, not anything that he has said to me. He was too ashamed to say much of anything about her to me.

No one knows what goes on between 2 people except the 2 people involved. It follows that what she thinks about my relationship with him may or may not be accurate, either. The longer she lives with him, the less she treats me like I'm the crazy ex, and the more she tries to enlist my aid and sympathy.

firestorm090

Hi HealingWillCome,

I hope I'm not out-of-line by commenting in this forum, for I am a male alcoholic and I hope I'm not intruding where I'm not welcome. You're story tho really hit home with me, and even tho I'm an alcoholic, I've been where you are, and on the other side as well. The pain you feel daily now is something I still remember vividly, even tho the relationship which caused me such pain ended over 4 years ago. I feel totally different about it today, but back then, while going through it, I was like you, obsessing over a relationship that just wasn't meant to be. It interferred with my work, my thoughts centered around her almost every minute, I was incapale of letting it go, and knew we were just right together, if only......

I'm sure you know this already, but time really does heal these wounds and sometimes it takes alot of time. Five months just isn't long enough for you and that's okay. When you love intensely, the recovery from a lost love like this is intense as well, but it does eventually fade as you find your way into the next phase of your life.

My ex and I drank together, and did everything together. Yet, when we broke up, she left me and moved in with another man that same day. It blew my mind. I was dumfounded and hurt beyond description. Over the next few weeks I discovered she had been seeing this guy for quite some time, while I never had a clue. I can't begin to describe the anquish I felt, but your story described it quite well.

As an alcoholic, I think our emotions while drinking are so screwed up that we don't realize how good our lives are, especially with a lady who loves as deeply as you, till it's over. Then, because we really need someone to help us hold on for dear life, we may become involved with someone just because they want to be involved with us. It's a need, not love. When I was alone initially, I sought out anyone who would just listen to me. I needed a shoulder to lean on and maybe that's all this other lady is to him, even though she may not be near the lady you are.

You will heal from this, you are still going through the grief process, so be gentle with yourself. You are a special lady to be able to feel and express such deep love for someone and that is something to be proud of.