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What am I supposed to do now?

Old 08-20-2010, 01:45 PM
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Unhappy What am I supposed to do now?

My fiance just checked himself into rehab this morning for alcoholism. I am very proud of him for doing this but I am also extremely sad. How am I supposed to do this alone? He is my best friend and I miss him so much it hurts. (crying as I type this) I feel so guilty for feeling this way which makes it worse. I feel selfish and awful for feeling like this but I just feel so alone and confused. I don't want him to think I don't want him to be there or like I'm trying to guilt him into coming home, but it's so hard to stay strong when I talk to him. I don't know how I'm going to make it!

I don't know how long he's gonna be there, what they're doing, what's going on, nothing! They won't tell me anything! I feel like this is all my fault. I feel lost, like half of me has been ripped away and is being held prisoner by strangers! And I hate how they already act like they have known him forever and act like I'm the stranger. Like I'm going to intentionally sabotage his efforts; I love him, I want to him to get better and be happy. Like they don't have half my heart locked up to where I can't get to it. I had no idea how hard this would be and now I feel so alone.

I'm not sure what I'm saying, I just had to say it...
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:48 PM
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While your fiance is taking this time to address his issues, you can do the same while he is gone. Perhaps picking up a copy of the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie will help you. Attending Al-anon meetings will help. You will receive face-to-face support from people who understand exactly what you are dealing with. Taking care of yourself while not obsessing over him and what is going on with him is the best thing you can do for both of you.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:16 PM
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It just doesn't seem right! Aren't couples supposed to get through the tough times together?[/B] How is being apart going to help anything but driving us apart?
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by sadpanda View Post
It just doesn't seem right! Aren't couples supposed to get through the tough times together?[/B] How is being apart going to help anything but driving us apart?
Not to put to fine a point on it, but you're sounding rather selfish and self absorbed. This is supposed to be a time of healing. If you love him you will start figuring out how to become healthy with him, instead of complaining about how unfair life is.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:31 PM
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Didn't his alcoholism take him away from the relationship in other ways before this?

There is a great wisdom poem I am going to try to find for you.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:33 PM
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Please don't feel slighted or alarmed by the fact that the rehab will not tell you anything. HIPPA guidelines often prevent medical facilities from releasing information on patients to anyone who is not directly related to them.

Regarding tough times....

It would be different, I think, if this were a tough time that came in from the outside. Like, a car accident or getting laid off or something like that. But alcoholism is a tough time that comes from the inside and healing from it is an inside job. Don't feel slighted or left out. He has to do the work himself. That's just the way it is. It's not personal.

It is easy to feel alone when you are relating to alcoholics. We here all have felt that at one time or another. There is a group from family and friends of alcoholics called Al-Anon. The group members (no dues or fees, just must be affected by alcoholism in some way) usually meet on a weekly basis and discuss their experience, strength and hope with regards to this terrible disease. It may seem strange to you (as it did to me) that at meetings, they almost never talk about their alcoholics. It is a group for you, to show you how to live your life around an alcoholic.

Please don't be afraid to go to a meeting. No one there will yell at you or judge you. My first 6 months of meetings, all I did was cry. That's OK. They do ask for a voluntary donation of a dollar or two to help pay for coffee, Kleenex (they go through a lot of that) and rental on the room they use for the meeting. If you don't have it, that's OK too. I was so broke my first year of meetings that I often couldn't contribute anything.

You can make it. At some point, all of us here at SR thought the end of the world was nigh. But here we still are. It is difficult when you can get no info on someone you care about. But he is in rehab, where qualified medical personnel are watching him 24/7. He is being taken care of. Try to relax and trust a little. It's hard, but it will make your life easier.

Please keep posting. We are here to help!
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:34 PM
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That getting through tough times together is fine for families that aren't affected by alcoholism. If you could help him get better, he would be better, but you cannot. You are not qualified. He needs to be exactly where he is.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:36 PM
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You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:38 PM
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Angry tormentedmirror

I was under the impression this was a support forum where I would be able to write about and get out how this was making me feel. It seems as if you didn't even read my original post. This is exactly the kind of response I feared when I came here, thank you for letting me know I was right. I didn't come here to be attacked; I thought this would be a safe place for me to express how hurt I am no matter how "self absorbed" YOU think it is. I was about to post something else but not if I'm going to be judged like that. Thanks, I'm never coming back.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:39 PM
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I dont think you are selfish hun, I think you are hurting, scared, lonley and insecure.

Dont forget your BF has not gone there for a holiday to enjoy himself without you, he has gone there with an illness to get better and for this he cannot do it with you he has to do it alone and follow the advice of the people looking after him.

You have to support him now and not appear needy and dependent upon him, try to let go of all these lonely feelings you have and put a brave attitude on whilst he is there.

Maybe focus on doing something nice for you both for when he comes home, like maybe re-decorating the lounge, or bedroom that type of thing. You can tell him positive things that way when you speak, keep busy and focus on how great life is going to be when he gets well again.

Being apart for him now for a short time is worth the lifetime of happiness you can have together when he gets through this.

You clearly love each other and you WILL get through this.


Prayers for you both

Suzie xxx
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Old 08-20-2010, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by sadpanda View Post
I was under the impression this was a support forum where I would be able to write about and get out how this was making me feel. It seems as if you didn't even read my original post. This is exactly the kind of response I feared when I came here, thank you for letting me know I was right. I didn't come here to be attacked; I thought this would be a safe place for me to express how hurt I am no matter how "self absorbed" YOU think it is. I was about to post something else but not if I'm going to be judged like that. Thanks, I'm never coming back.
It is, and it is. That said, it appears that the only thing you're focusing on is how you feel, and I perceive you as being selfish. Aren't you glad he's getting help? Don't you want to help him get better? Don't you think he has made a wise decision? If you act a certain way and then get called on it, you shouldn't be surprised. He's the one with the addiction. If you think you're lonely, you should walk a mile in his shoes. Addiction is incredibly lonely.

Don't you want to know what your part is in the healing process?
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Old 08-20-2010, 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted by tormentedmirror View Post
It is, and it is. That said, it appears that the only thing you're focusing on is how you feel, and I perceive you as being selfish. Aren't you glad he's getting help? Don't you want to help him get better? Don't you think he has made a wise decision? If you act a certain way and then get called on it, you shouldn't be surprised. He's the one with the addiction. If you think you're lonely, you should walk a mile in his shoes. Addiction is incredibly lonely.

Don't you want to know what your part is in the healing process?
And selfish is good sometimes, if 'selfish' is looking after yourself.
We can't help them much if we aren't healthy and strong ourselves, but we all have to get to that point before we can do it. (we being the ones who love A's and them being As)
Sometimes it's not that easy to get to that point if you don't even realise you need to be there!
I was scared and desperate when I came here, I didn't know I needed to look after myself AND make that my priority above anything else before things began to turn around (for me)
Sometimes we get so far on our own journeys we think everyone should be right there behind us following in our footsteps or walking right beside us, but the first steps are the hardest (or they were for me)
Sadpanda, stick around if you can, you may not always hear what you want, but you'll hear from people who've been there before you and can and will share their experience, it's up to you to use it and learn from it, just as it's up to your fiance to use what he's being given now.
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Old 08-20-2010, 03:21 PM
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Wait a minute.

Isn't being selfish of ourselves what we preach around here? Focus on yourself. Heal yourself. Work on yourself.

Thanks for posting. I'm sure it's very hard not to know what's going on and this may be by design. He needs to be removed from all distractions to concentrate on his disease.

I know there are a few people who've walked both paths. They may be along to chime in with their experience and perhaps give you some idea of what's happening on his end.
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Old 08-20-2010, 03:28 PM
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Sadpanda, I hope you don't leave SR. This truly is a wonderful place for support. Many of us have been where you are and some of us have been where your fiance is. I have been both places and it's is very hard either way. I know when I was away being treated for alcoholism, I needed to take that time to concentrate on ME and my issues. I did not want to think about my daily life outside and what bills needed to be paid or whose turn it was to take out the trash. If I was going to have a chance to beat this illness, I needed to devote all of my strength to what was going on where I was at that moment.

I'm sorry you feel like you are being judged. We all come from different places in our recovery. Some of us started out just like you are now, scared and worried and not sure what to do next. This is all very new to you as your fiance just left this morning. Of course you are confused and scared. Please give us a chance to help you through this.

Something that is said around here is...Take what you need and leave the rest. Of course some posts are going to be more helpful than others, but we all want to help you get through what you are dealing with.
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Old 08-20-2010, 03:29 PM
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I've said it before and I'll say it again - this site and this forum work best when we stick to sharing our own Experience, Strength and Hope. None of knows what anyone else should or should not do. All we can honestly share is what we did in a similar situation and how that worked out for us.

Sad Panda, I'll bet that today is a difficult day for you. I haven't been exactly where you are, but I know that reaching out to others in Al Anon really helped me. Also, I was able to find a counselor in a facility who had the job of pointing family and friends to appropriate resources.

I hope you'll stick around here and post again. If you find that there are people whose posts make your teeth hurt, feel free to put those people on ignore. There are plenty of members here with experiences similar to yours, and I'm sure they will share their own experience, strength and hope with you as you figure out your own life and circumstances while your BF is in rehab.

Hugs and love,
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Old 08-20-2010, 03:31 PM
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I can hear how scared you are in your post.

I am sure he is scared too.

Alcoholism is a disease, people die from it every day. He is seeking treatment, just as a cancer patient seeks treatment.

What would you do if he were seeking treatment for cancer?

I would learn everything I could about the disease, and what I could do to be a loving, supportive partner fighting a disease I know nothing about.

I would attend support groups for partners of cancer patients.

You have the same opportunity by educating yourself about his disease, and joining a support group such as Al-Anon.

The difference between this disease and any other is that alcoholism takes hostages along for the ride. It affects every person the alcoholic comes in contact with, and even more so his loved ones.

The choice is yours...You are scared...just some suggestions as to where you might seek comfort.
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Old 08-20-2010, 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by tormentedmirror View Post
It is, and it is. That said, it appears that the only thing you're focusing on is how you feel, and I perceive you as being selfish. Aren't you glad he's getting help? Don't you want to help him get better? Don't you think he has made a wise decision? If you act a certain way and then get called on it, you shouldn't be surprised. He's the one with the addiction. If you think you're lonely, you should walk a mile in his shoes. Addiction is incredibly lonely.

Don't you want to know what your part is in the healing process?


I just miss him. Of course I'm glad he's getting help. I encouraged it because I care about him so much; I want him to be healthy. It just all happened so quickly I got caught off guard. I was so busy finding him a place to go and rearranging things for his absence (we have a 3yr old and I'm in school full-time and have a part-time job) I never once thought about how I would feel. I was just so happy he came to this decision on his own I didn't want to do or say anything to make him change his mind. (This is a long time coming) So when it was all final and then I was alone, I freaked! I just thought this would be a place where I could say the things I don't want to say to him and not be judged. (How wrong was I!) I know he needs to focus on getting better and saying those things to him wouldn't help (LIKE I SAID IN MY ORIGINAL POST)

I was addicted to cocaine for three years so, YES I have walked a mile in his shoes, more than ONCE! And YES I want to know what my part is in the healing process which is another reason I was so upset; because I was given no information on what to expect, what I should know, what I should do, etc. I honestly thought I would be more included/informed about his healing process. We have a great relationship so realizing I would not be a part of his recovery or be able to do whatever he needs to get better just really hit me hard when I got home. I do feel guilty and selfish and horrible for feeling like this (LIKE I SAID IN MY ORIGINAL POST) So I was floored when I was attacked in a "support" forum. You say I shouldn't be surprised if I act a certain way and then get called on it, but I really thought I made it clear that these were feelings I was only expressing here; maybe I wasn't. I don't want to do anything to make this harder on him than it already is, he is really truly brave for seeking help. I just love him so much it hurts my heart to be away from him for whatever reason. I just miss him and wanted to get that all out in a safe place (which I thought this was).

Last edited by cece1960; 08-20-2010 at 06:18 PM. Reason: inappropriate
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by sadpanda View Post
I just miss him. Of course I'm glad he's getting help. I encouraged it because I care about him so much; I want him to be healthy. It just all happened so quickly I got caught off guard. I was so busy finding him a place to go and rearranging things for his absence (we have a 3yr old and I'm in school full-time and have a part-time job) I never once thought about how I would feel. I was just so happy he came to this decision on his own I didn't want to do or say anything to make him change his mind. (This is a long time coming) So when it was all final and then I was alone, I freaked! I just thought this would be a place where I could say the things I don't want to say to him and not be judged. (How wrong was I!) I know he needs to focus on getting better and saying those things to him wouldn't help (LIKE I SAID IN MY ORIGINAL POST)

I was addicted to cocaine for three years so, YES I have walked a mile in his shoes, more than ONCE! And YES I want to know what my part is in the healing process which is another reason I was so upset; because I was given no information on what to expect, what I should know, what I should do, etc. I honestly thought I would be more included/informed about his healing process. We have a great relationship so realizing I would not be a part of his recovery or be able to do whatever he needs to get better just really hit me hard when I got home. I do feel guilty and selfish and horrible for feeling like this (LIKE I SAID IN MY ORIGINAL POST) So I was floored when I was attacked in a "support" forum. You say I shouldn't be surprised if I act a certain way and then get called on it, but I really thought I made it clear that these were feelings I was only expressing here; maybe I wasn't. I don't want to do anything to make this harder on him than it already is, he is really truly brave for seeking help. I just love him so much it hurts my heart to be away from him for whatever reason. I just miss him and wanted to get that all out in a safe place (which I thought this was).
Our daughter signed a form at the treatment center that permits the counselors to communicate about the patient. I don't know if all facilities do that, but it's something you can find out. I'm sure we don't hear everything, but it's nice to be able to pick up the phone and call, or drop an email when we have a question. Call his facility.

I shouldn't have been so harsh, and I apologize. Please don't leave the forum.
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:05 PM
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If he only checked in this morning, there really won't be much to tell you as such. I feel your pain and fear, and I also urge you to go to Al Anon to get some support. Well done for dealing with a cocaine habit; are you in NA or AA yourself? Hugs. xxx
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:09 PM
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Allright people, chill out.

Go walk around the block, get some fresh air, call your sponsor, go to the gym and work out your anger, whatever.

_Before_ you put finger to keyboard read this

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

Then wait until tomorow.

If you are getting "triggered" by what's being said in this thread and have an urge to "make" somebody "see the light" then just go read another thread where you do _not_ get triggered.

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