What am I supposed to do now?

Old 08-22-2010, 05:49 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I have felt every single thing you describe, in relation to my stbx AH, although he never went to rehab or stopped drinking.

There is nothing wrong with your feelings, try not to feel quilty or ashamed of those feelings, they are natural to have. Anger that he couldn't do this whilst keeping up with his family responsibilities, worry about how you'll cope on your own during this period, profound sadness, fear about the changes that are coming, resentment that you have to keep holding everything together without intensive round the clock support that he is getting. I remember future-tripping about if my husband ever did choose to stop drinking, would he even want me anymore, as far as I could tell he had never even been sober for a full day whilst we knew each other, how would a sober him view me. you can feel all of these things and be very, very glad that he is making a positive change. Human beings are complex creatures.

Change and uncertainty can be very un-nerving, frightening.

Given that, if you are feeling overwhlmed by how you will cope practically, can you get some support for that? looking at your own situation, 30 days is not much time to adjust and work through your feelings, I found therapy very useful, depending on how old your little one is some therapists will let them be with you, some al-anon groups have sitter services or can help out with that. There will be people there who have been through your situation, and have felt every single thing you have felt, and will provide support and share strategies that helped them without judgement.

I can see you feel very alone, please try and grab the resources that are out there to help people in your situation, then whatever choices he makes about continuing sobriety, you will be in a better place to face the future and it's unknowns.

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Old 08-22-2010, 12:38 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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feels like my life revolves around the phone now. Waiting, hoping he'll call, never knowing when. I do not like uncertainty, I have (well I guess HAD) my life planned out for the next two years and now it's all in disarray. Which is another part of my problem with dealing.
Have faith.

Maybe look at it this way. Being in treatment now will give you a better life together than if he didn't do it or waited. Alcoholism is progressive, it is very possible it could have gotta a lot worse. But I think you that...

So now you can make new plans - sober life plans together. Brighter, happier, alcohol free plans that includes positive life enriching things.

It hard to be away from each other for any reason, I do remember young love. Aahhhh

And going away to rehab might be a little scary for you. Not knowing WHO he will be when he gets back, how different things will be...

So you want desperately to hear he still loves you and he misses you.

Does that scare you Panda (bear)?
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Old 08-22-2010, 12:46 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sadpanda View Post
It feels like my life revolves around the phone now. Waiting, hoping he'll call, never knowing when. I do not like uncertainty, I have (well I guess HAD) my life planned out for the next two years and now it's all in disarray. Which is another part of my problem with dealing.
There is a saying that goes something like...Life is what happens while we are busy making other plans. I'm pretty sure all of us have had our well-intentioned plans fall by the wayside due to life. We just have to deal with it.

Perhaps you should take this time to attend al-anon meetings and as suggested before, please get a copy of the book Codependent No More. None of us should allow our lives to solely depend upon another person. There are just too many variables in life that can come along and ruin our plans.
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Old 08-22-2010, 08:36 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I don't think you sound selfish or self-absorbed for feeling the way you do. I felt exactly the same way you do now when my boyfriend was in rehab. I was his partner for 22 years when he went to rehab for the first time and I was kept completely out of the loop. I was not allowed to visit him at the rehab center or even to attend family day. But oddly enough, his ex-wife, whom he hadn't seen in over 22 years was invited--and DID--attend! That one still blows my mind.

Later, when he ended up in the emergency room and was placed on life support and the hospital staff called for next-of-kin, the ER staff wouldn't--or couldn't due to those damn HIPPA laws--tell me what was wrong with him, or even if he would survive. So, obviously I have strong feelings about keeping loved ones out of the loop and know how you feel.

Like Live said, "it is normal to be mad about alcoholism disrupting your life." I hear you, and I agree.
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