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I'm new..Introduction N Venting

Old 08-22-2003, 11:13 AM
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Post I'm new..Introduction N Venting

Hi
I'm new to this forum but so glad I found it. I have been looking for a place where people are going through similar situation to me if for nothing else but to vent. I don't expect you all to have any answers for me but just that I can come here and vent and you all will understand where I am coming from is wonderful!

Let me start by saying I am married to an alcoholic. We just made our 2 year anniversary not long ago.
I knew he drank when we met but he didn't drink nearly as much as he does now. He used to drink 2 or 3 beers before bed and that was that. Now he's drinking 12 or so a night!
He's not physically abusive but just plain old miserable and negative...he plays the "I'm always right and he always wrong game" everynight which is sickening! He also nitpicks about the stupidest things like "who left the bathroom light on, who didn't take the trash out, why is the living room light on" etc... we end up fighting everynight. I kid you not! I mean everynight!
Our sex life is non existant and he blames that on me saying I never want it....that's true I don't...but it's because it's unsatisfying! And anyone married to an alcoholic knows what I mean.
Tonight I am taking him to dinner and giving him 2 choices...
he can either agree to marriage and alcohol counseling
or
he can agree for us together to get caught up on the bills we owe and then part ways.
I know he wont give up drinking for me but atleast he wont be able to blame this failure on me...it's his choice!
Hey y'all thanks for listening!
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Old 08-22-2003, 11:25 AM
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Welcome Spent,

I hope you keep coming back...I also hope this works out well for you..It sounds like you have already made your mind up as to the two things that can happen...I usually come up short when I do that 'cause my Higher Power knows more than I do about this thing called life...

Be sure to come back and let me know how it goes for you...in the meantime why don't you read some of the power posts at the beginning. It can't hurt.

Love and prayers from one who cares
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Old 08-22-2003, 11:36 AM
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Howdy Spent!

Well, you're there. The "something's gotta give" moment. I hope that whichever path your husband chooses, you will consider finding an alanon group for yourself, or at least reading some about codependency. If he goes for the first deal, you'll need it to get over the bumps. If he goes for the second... well.... a lot of us codies jump right from the frying pan to the fire. It's a good time to do a little self evaluation.

Welcome to the forums! Keep posting.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 08-22-2003, 11:38 AM
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Spent,
Your husband sounds like my husband's twin :-).

Good for you on making a choice - it is always a hard one to make. I think this forum is a great place to vent and to figure out what you want.

I like your idea about taking him out to dinner. Maybe I will do the same. Mine's agreed to counseling, but not to recover - just to see if he can get me to accept him the way he is. My ideas are to use counseling as a way to set the limits I will accept. We'll see how it goes.

Take care and please feel free to vent as much as you like. You're in a group that understands and cares.

Hugs,
Kitkat
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Old 08-22-2003, 11:48 AM
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Thank you all for the welcome and support.
I found this forum after searching for a place like this for months
so yes, I am at The "something's gotta give" moment.
I have had enough.
at one point I was willing to let him reduce his drinking. I was foolish to think that would work. It lasted for 1 day! With an alcoholic it's either do or die, there is no in between. I feel if they want to change they MUST quit...not bargain for a cutback.
So unfortunatley for my husband he is at the do or die point with me.
I will come back tonight and post and let you all know how it turns out but I am almost sure I know this outcome.
Again, thank you for welcoming me
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Old 08-22-2003, 11:56 AM
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Venting

Welcome! I'm a myself! I know how you feel about the venting thing. It's tough to go through this by yourself. You start thinking that maybe there is something wrong with you. Even if you talk to a girlfriend about it, they can't really understand the problem because alcoholisim is a desese, and there are lots of other factors then what is visible. I came here for the same reasons. Just to be able to vent and validate my feelings so that I don't go insane! Good luck tonight, and we are here for you!
 
Old 08-22-2003, 01:23 PM
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welcome

I'm always right too :lol
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Old 08-22-2003, 07:26 PM
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well I had the talk with my husband and he flat out said he wont give up drinking, it's the only thing he enjoys. So I dropped the axe! I told him that we would have an open relationship and he could continue to stay on with us until all our debts were cleared up and then he was on his own. I told him I would not be left responsible paying off bills we made together. So tonight you can guess he is at the bar testing the open relationship waters. Trying to find out if I am serious or not. I breathed a sigh of relief after I said what I had to say and he went out the door.
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Old 08-22-2003, 07:54 PM
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Hang in there and I know exactly what you are feeling.
I also know that feeling of relief to finally open up and be honest about what you need and how you want to live your life.
I also think that it's good that you told him he wasn't getting off the hook with the bill situation.
I am always right too. I'll bet he's always the "Bad Guy" too hunh? They are really good at self pity when they need a drink.
I've done this many times over the years and watched his back as he simply walks out the door to get a drink to make it all go away and then the next morning, acts as if we never even had the whole conversation.
I pray that you'll have all the strength you'll need to be able to follow through and do what is best for YOU.

Good Luck.
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Old 08-22-2003, 07:55 PM
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LOL I been thinking about this and alot of you are probably saying "Open relationship?!? Is she NUTS!?!?!" But you have to understand that our relationship was non-existant anyway and I figure the fastest and easiest way to get rid of a man is to let him fall in love with another woman. And at the same time that he's fallin I get the satisfaction of him taking care of his financial responsibilities.
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Old 08-22-2003, 07:58 PM
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Long,
I certainly do have the strength to follow through with this. I went through this when I was 23 with my kids father only he was a drug addict. Dealing with him and that relationship made me stronger. and now instead of putting up with the crap for 8 years I only put up with it for 2 before dropping the axe.
Thanks for listening. This board and you people are a wonderful source of support and strength!
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Old 08-22-2003, 08:06 PM
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GIRL! You don't know how many times I wished one of these little bar flies would just take my husband and run!
He had an affair with one a couple years ago and I BEGGED him to leave me and go be with her! She was married too and they were just using each other for a "misery loves company" fling. She was a bar maid who had a sex addiction and cheated on her husband habitually and of course, at that time my husband was drinking about 4 or 5 nights a week and things were not pretty around here. She was perfect for him in every way. She liked him drunk, pouring his sad story...and his MONEY all over the bar. He loved the fact that she liked him drunk...what a pair they would have made right???LOL
Sad to say, he wouldn't leave and legally I couldn't kick him out. He was sobor the longest after that because we were in counselling for about 5 months. He even attended the ocassional AA meeting at the counsellors insistance because the counsellor told him straight up that alcohol can lead to other addictions such as affairs and what not.
OH WELL...I just recently let go of that drama when I started letting go of all of the other issues that have plagued me for years now. I can breathe again.

Do you really want an open marriage for you or is it just so that he will leave?
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Old 08-22-2003, 08:10 PM
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I believe that for right now until his financial obligations are met the open marriage is going to be good for me. It will keep him off my back about intimacy issues and will give me the much needed freedom I desire. I warned him before he accepted the terms that the door swings both ways and what's good for him is good for me too!
And our financial obligations aren't so big that they will keep him here too long, maybe 3 or 4 months.
After that he will be able to afford a place of his own and I wont have to chase him for his share of the bills.
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Old 08-22-2003, 08:24 PM
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You really are a lucky person to have come to this understanding so early into this. I unfortunately wasn't hit full force with his alcoholism until I was 5 months pregnant with our son.
At that time, I was emotional and vulnerable and since it was the first big blow up, I hoped that it was just a one time thing. BOY have I had my eyes opened for me.
I just love the man so much. He was the love of my life. I simply cannot believe that a woman, who is as smart as me, was so in denial all of these years and allowed myself to become so codependant. I guess intellegence has nothing to do with love and relationships.
I believed the sweet words and promises instead of watching the man's behavior and actions. DOH!!!!
BUT...that is all behind me now. I confronted him and told him that nomatter what he tells himself, I KNOW he is an alcoholic and that if he chooses not to get into recovery that's fine but that I was joining al-anon and that I was detaching with love and not to expect any more tantrums or blow ups or tears because he would be very disappointed!
He hasn't said one word about it but then again, he hasn't had a drink since last friday night. He had surgery yesterday. Nothing major, hernia repair but he isn't supposed to drink. Tomorrow, he is hosting a party here for about 35 people and BOOZE is definitely on the menu.
We'll see what happens...but I won't be here for it. I have made plans with my son and we are gonna hang out!
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Old 08-22-2003, 08:26 PM
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Spent,

Good luck to you. Have you considered Alanon? You mentioned a previous marrage with an addict. Sorry to say this, but it seems like that's the way it goes. We are attracted to...I am not going to say addicts...but guys we think we can fix. And it never works.

Just think about it,
JT
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Old 08-22-2003, 08:30 PM
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yes, I am considering it. Even if he does leave I sooner then planned I would still like to attend....hopefully get some damage control there and a little mending.
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Old 08-22-2003, 08:52 PM
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Spent,

If you do nothing else at least hang here for a bit. You will see some of the long time recovery people and their experiences and the outcomes.

I for one have had 2 addictive relationships and my son is an alcoholic. I wish I had stopped the cycle sooner but I was 40 when I went into my own recovery.

The best gift you can give your children is a healthy, happy mother.

Hugs and good wishes,
JT
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Old 08-23-2003, 09:15 PM
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I am glad you are strong enough - I am strong enough too but sure enough, sooner or later, it repeats, at least it has for me, several times, and I don't think I am a dummy, except about this. This is my last one, though. I am of an age I think I can be on my own for good after this. Eccentric older lady, ha. I am not smart about men obviously, best I just keep the best memories and take no more chances.

Maybe it will still work our for both of you. If not, it can work out for you. I hope you do hang around for a while. I am learning a lot and it is so good to be able to speak freely.
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Old 08-24-2003, 06:45 PM
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We set a date for him to leave. As soon as his court date for his children from his first marriage is over he will go. I told him I didn't want to make him look bad for the judge (he can do that all on his own). I am almost 34 years old now and have realized that I am just not the marrying kind and have decided that he is my last one. I have my kids...that's good enough for me!
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