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oh boy, the bottom has surely come

Old 03-14-2003, 06:18 PM
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oh boy, the bottom has surely come

Hi, my night has turned to sh** since I got home as it often does on Friday night. When I arrived home, my husband was not here. After a while he arrived home, very drunk and belligerent. He was riding his motorcycle in this condition. And did I mention that he does not have a motorcycle liscense? In the two years since we got the bike he has not gotten his liscense. So I am calm and do not respond to his comments designed to bate me. He makes me dinner, but has nasty comments about serving me. Still I do not reply. Then my daughter comes into my bedroom to try to coax me into letting her go on spring break. She is 16 and wants to go to another state with several girls to stay at a condo with other girls with no adult. Not to mention that there will be college students there partying. So she and I get into an agrument with raised voices. This is when my husband comes in and starts yelling too. He puts me down saying that I let my daughter manipulate me etc. Still I do not respond. Then when my daughter goes into her room, he starts to yell at her and demand that she come into the living room. This is when I loose it. I go in there and tell him to leave her alone. He makes fun of me and I start yelling at him and hitting him. I am so angry that I can hardly see straight.

Now I am in my room, crying and felling like I have lost another battle. I feel so low. In this house when I go in my bedroom, I can still hear him in the kitchen and living room yelling and berating me. So a boundry that says that I won't stay in the room with him doent help me much. I could leave the house, but where would I go?

These are the times that I feel so helpless. I have tried to detach. But I am sensitive and the conflict gives me so much pain and anger.

One other thing.....I attended a Woman's wellness weekend. There were several New Age type women there. There was someone that does Reiki healing. I signed up for a session. I talked to her about my husband and our problems. She did a reading on my and said that she felt dispair coming from me. She did some healing to ease the dispair. I'm not sure if it helped or not. One thought I picked up at the conference is that it is a reflective universe, so what is the situation around you telling you about yourself? I don't know.

I feel so confused, I am not looking for sympathy. I just don't understand why I keep creating this experience for myself. Thanks for listening.
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Old 03-14-2003, 06:30 PM
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Hi ((((((((((( ROSE! ))))))))))))))

Extra big hugs on an extra bad nite. I don't suppose earplugs would help?

Love,
Smoke
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Old 03-14-2003, 06:41 PM
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Rose

I am sorry for what you are going through. If you step back and look at the picture, you will see that you are the only sane one in it.....so don't feel that there is anything wrong with you.

Daughter - of course not. Unless she is Annette Funicello, this will be some wild weekend.

And your husband...well I'd be mad too. The only thing you can do is avoid him, avoid participating in his chaos, plug your ears and pray.

My heart goes out to you, with my prayers, and I really don't know what to tell you to do, except to make sure you look after Rose.
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Old 03-14-2003, 06:59 PM
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********{Rose}}}}}

Sending lots of hugs your way. Hang in there!!

Love,
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Old 03-14-2003, 07:27 PM
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I am sorry you feel bad Rose

When the alcoholic hates themselves they lash out at everyone around them. It's not you and you really did handle yourself really well.

Hey a 16 yr old daughter is another challenge in itself. As you know, they can be very defiant. Hang in there, it will get better.
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Old 03-14-2003, 07:40 PM
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Rose,

((((First huge hugs!))))

All that conflict is a massive trigger for me. When the Beav was at home and things started up I could find myself right back where I used to be. The panic would get to me even tho I was stepping out of the conflict. Believe me when I say if you get in the middle it escalates things. Even if you are in your room listening to him ranting it is better than going out there and confronting him. Let him pass out...we both know he will.

So where are you? You have posted about whether you want to stay or go. Have you begun a plan? Not that you have to do anything but have you given thought to what you would do?

Talk to your sponsor. You are working such a good program...read and learn about boundaries...what you will and won't tolerate in your life. Give some thought to what you might do if all hell breaks loose again...what will I do next time?

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Old 03-14-2003, 08:10 PM
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(((((Rose)))))

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. The one thing I want to do when I'm being triggered is to run far away - but like you I have nowhere to go! Man, during times like that I wish I had my own place or a key to an empty hideaway I could just run to when I can't take it anymore. Often I end up going to the movies, but they're not nearly long enough!

Hang in there - tomorrow will be a better day.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 03-15-2003, 03:30 AM
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Thank you for your thoughts and caring. It is 6am here and I am begining my saturday with some prayers and Alanon study. JT in answer to your question I am moving toward separating with my husband. In my thoughts anyway, I haven't taken any action. Most of the time I do understand that a lot of what is going on here is his sickness combined with my sickness. He has struggled with trying to cut down on his drinking and he cannot do it. He has had a bad series of gout attacks where he can hardley walk, yet he still cannot stop drinking. I feel guilty about not having the courage to make him leave the house. I do think it would be the best thing for everyone involved (except maybe him). But something keeps me stuck here. I find it almost impossible to put myself first and make him leave just because it would be good for me. But I have given him every chance.

I choose to believe that I am not defective. There is a reason that I am still here and still trying to make this relationship work. I don't know why, but I have faith that I will find out at the right time. I need to refocus on the steps and on getting my life in order.

If this is indeed a reflective universe, then this chaos in my life reflects chaos inside of me. This despair that I feel in the face of alcoholism is a reflection of underlying despair deep inside of me. I need to find a way to heal this despair and move on to hope and faith in a meaningful future.

I like that quote, moving through the hell, yes I will keep moving.
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Old 03-15-2003, 05:53 AM
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Rose,

I think you know I wasn't suggesting you leave. I just wondered where you were in all of that. I sparated emtionally from my family in early recovery and it hurt them but I had to do it to keep my sanity and keep from acting...or reacting...in haste. That sounds like what you are doing...but every once in a while I would get sucked back into their chaos.

Work your program and you may end up just like me...I stay and I have found happiness. My focus is on me and I look for the good in Ward, of which there is alot. I choose to ignor the bad...he drinks too much and is ruining his health in other ways as well. I did some reading about the differances between men and woman...alot of our conflict merely comes from that. Sober or drinking he will NEVER think like me. And you know what? That is not always a bad thing.

Don't beat yourself up...I found myself crying several times when the Beav was at home and tensions built. Just move on...you are doing a great job.

Hugs,
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Old 03-15-2003, 08:07 AM
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((((Rose))))

Isn't it funny how when you are already "dealing" with something the teenagers feel it is the time to ask more out of you? Just like when your kids were toddlers, when you were on the phone they all had to hang on your leg begging for something! Kind of drags you down further, doesn't it? I'm with the others that trip sounds like a bad one!

Boy have I seen this scenario at my house! If I had a great answer, I'd give it to you, but the others (experts) already have, so I listen too! I can relate to not having anywhere to hide when this all comes about. I have an 18 room house, and nowhere to go in it that I can't hear the chaos! We'll just have to keep some earplugs handy in our pockets!

I'm sure glad we're all in this together! I'll keep you in my prayers today!--hey you made it through another day!

Lyn
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Old 03-15-2003, 12:48 PM
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((((rose))))))
Hang in there, you are doing good, I agree with the others on the trip just a bad thing waiting to happen. My fiances parents house is the ultimate of chaos, I would always say to him when he was out, how can you stand this everyday it drives me nuts!!! He always thought it was normal, until now thank god, he refers to it now as the soap opera and says I cant believe I always thought the way we lived and interacted was "normal". I guess I cant say what is "normal" but chaos day in and day out I couldnt handle it I always just wanted to escape to my own home where it was quiet and he always wanted to be where the "drama" was. He hears alot about it in letters from the family and says So I see nothing has changed around there, I dont want that drama in my life when I come home, As much as I love my family I am going to have to keep myself away from that!
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Old 03-15-2003, 05:30 PM
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Hi Rose

I'm a little late to the party, but sending my good wishes to you nonetheless. I know what it feels like to try and find your "safe space" in the house, only to still hear the rants and raves that you are so desperately trying to get away from. If it helps to know that prayers are being said for you from someone who has been there, then know that I am fervantly praying for some peace and stability to land in your life. God bless and keep the faith.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 03-16-2003, 11:46 AM
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((((((((rose)))))))

All the things the others have suggested are really good options for any of us;

BUT I found something better than ear plugs to help me detach;

A Walkmen and Al-Anon speaker tapes......
I would have lost my health, mind and my serenity LONG ago if I had not had both of these tools to help me...

Back then I had no 'puter, was taking care of my mother-in-law with Alshiemer"s (?) as her soul caretaker. I meeting per week...If my sponsor and my home group hadn't been there for me I don't know what I'd done.

I still use speaker's tapes today to help when the going gets rough and I can't hear my HP...It's kind of like coming to these boards, except with the tapes, I can't talk back which isn't a bad thing.

Just a suggestion, folks, Try it, It just might work for you.
Love and prayers to all.
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Old 03-16-2003, 12:23 PM
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****{Rose}}}

Well you did a good job describing my house! With the teenager, the "question", him stepping in, him saying "she's manipulating you" but not doing anything about it, then who's getting the raw end? Oh yea. I'm almost positive my dd will start the whole game off on purpose, the voice raising.........getting everyones attention now....then she can stand back and watch myself and dh do battle. I know how hard it is to detach from this once it starts snowballing The spring break trip @ 16? I would say NO. She can go @ 18, 19, 20...it'll still be going on.

The easiest thing to detach for me in the middle of this is to force myself to leave and go for a walk. Sometimes literally putting my hand over my mouth & mumbling "I'll be right back" and Daffodil suggestion is excellent, I'll put the headphones on with Melody Beatties Guide to 12 Steps in, and start walking. Maybe it is selfish, but I need to do what I need to do for me to keep my head. And I need to stop playing this game with them. It's like they feed off of each other and I'm the one who is always left feeling like what's her name in the Exorcist!

Keep taking care of yourself Rose, and like they say, the rest will come!
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Old 03-16-2003, 02:14 PM
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Thanks again folks for your prayers and kind words. I seem to be a bit unstable right now. It frightens me sometimes how quickly I go from being perfectly fine to being upset and yelling. Today I was feeling fine. My husband went to the grocery store with me at 10 am, early for him. But when we had put the groceries away, he layed down on the couch to watch tv and sleep. I went nuts, he does so little around the house. He does do some, but far short of what I think is appropriate. So I told him how I felt, I raised me voice but didn't really yell. I told him that he was doing the bare minimum and that I never asked for much, but I expect more than the bare minimum. He finally got up and started doing something all the while asking when I was going out.

This issue is not related to his drinking really, I think it is a basic differance in our values and basic nature. I am trying to keep the focus on me, but a large voice that will not be denied anymore says this is not fair. I think my boundaries are forming stronger and if he doesn't get a job soon, we will be finished. I haven't told him that this time. I have learned not to give ultimatiums. But I did tell him that I don't know how much longer I can live this way. ( thanks JT).

Thanks for your help this weekend.
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Old 03-17-2003, 05:18 AM
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Rose,

Ward does do stuff, not as much as I like sometimes but he does. And it still drives me up a wall to do "my" work around his prone body. Ward probably added years to his life when he finshed the basement because now he goes down there. Can ANYONE tell me how long the Nascar season is??

Now to be honest it would also unnerve me if he was always up dusting and cleaning. Then he would be in my way, too. I am by nature a controlling person so that is something I always try to keep in mind. Ward is just doing what Ward does. When I blow up...as in really blow...it is ALWAYS because there is something I cannot control and I am feeling trapped. And I ALWAYS have to return to acceptance.

I don't think I have to accept my lot in life with no choices. The choices are mine and they always will be. But I do have to accept what is.

Love ya Rose,
JT
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Old 03-17-2003, 06:23 AM
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Thanks JT, you are right, it is usually about control when I blow. I have to tell you a funny story. Last night my hubby and I were watching TV. I was having a snack and managed to spill some of it on my robe. I was very exasberated and made a deal about it. A few minutes later, my hubby spilled some Jello on himself and he got up and made a noise and a fuss, he was making fun of me. He was so right on that I laughed out loud for several minutes. In fact I am laughing now just thinking of it!!! Oh what a mixed bag it all is.

Acceptance of what is, that is so true. For today, this week, this is what is. Thanks to my loving mentor!
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