Thank you for your thoughts and caring. It is 6am here and I am begining my saturday with some prayers and Alanon study. JT in answer to your question I am moving toward separating with my husband. In my thoughts anyway, I haven't taken any action. Most of the time I do understand that a lot of what is going on here is his sickness combined with my sickness. He has struggled with trying to cut down on his drinking and he cannot do it. He has had a bad series of gout attacks where he can hardley walk, yet he still cannot stop drinking. I feel guilty about not having the courage to make him leave the house. I do think it would be the best thing for everyone involved (except maybe him). But something keeps me stuck here. I find it almost impossible to put myself first and make him leave just because it would be good for me. But I have given him every chance.
I choose to believe that I am not defective. There is a reason that I am still here and still trying to make this relationship work. I don't know why, but I have faith that I will find out at the right time. I need to refocus on the steps and on getting my life in order.
If this is indeed a reflective universe, then this chaos in my life reflects chaos inside of me. This despair that I feel in the face of alcoholism is a reflection of underlying despair deep inside of me. I need to find a way to heal this despair and move on to hope and faith in a meaningful future.
I like that quote, moving through the hell, yes I will keep moving.