2stop

Taira, that's a real good list, I think I'll write some of it down, Like you said..to practice while not so damned stressed so to be beter able when you are. Right when i think i've conquered suicidal depression it comes right back. I know it's hard for my familty to understand. my husband thinks it is just me "playing games" and it hurts so bad so deep when he says this, it's like I just need to do it too prove that I am not suicidally depressed as a prank...I am in extreme pain. Thanks for posting this.

2stop

Thank you MG for this thread. I have never ever been understand before like I have been here. In was always expected to perform like superwoman and just shut up and go away if I wasn't saving or helping someone. Those expectations and abuse and trauma one after another has led to many serious suicide attempts, obviously none being successful, I was bitter that I just could not end my pain, I didn't want to die, mind you, just so overwhelmed. Well this morning I was seriously considering just how I could live the way I am, not craving any drug at all just been some flashbacks and memories past few days kicking my a**. I'v eheld on and I just kept remembering that you said you have been where I am and you made it. and I just kept praying. It is very unusual for me to work through this feeling as quick as I have today. my husband told me he doesn't want to come home anymore and I don't have any issues I should just snap out of it, well it hurt really bad but I kept telling myself I am strong no matter what/who believes in me and that I had to go through it to make it through to the light. And I have! I know my husband is just sick and stressed and all I can do is pray and let go and let God. Thank you and all the others for teaching me some coping skills. You are helping me to save my life, and I really want to live a good life and help others all I can. Just thought I'd share.

Hugz,
Tammie

Morning Glory

Thank you for sharing Tammie.

So many times when we are feeling so bad we think that the feelings will last forever. They don't though. We go through and come out the other side.

I'm so glad I kept going and didn't quit. I think about it every time I kiss my grandchildren and help my children work through their issues. Staying alive brought me a gift of experience that I can give to others.

You too are receiving a gift that you will pass on one day.

Many hugs and prayers,

MG

2stop

Somebody please talk to me, please . I am scared even posting on a thread about suicide because my husband would probably leave me for sure. I am so tired, I am so beyond help. I am so broken, the pieces aren't going back into place. I know in my heart and soul how hard and how long I have fought and endured.

Morning Glory

Hang on Tammie,

I'm at work and will be home at midnight. If you're still awake we can talk then. Call a crisis line if you need too. Make an excuse that you're going to the store and use a payphone. You can PM anyone here to talk to you.

You're important to us and your family. Don't give up. It will get better. I've been where you are and I'm ok now. Don't lose hope.

http://suicidal.com/

Hugs,
MG

phoenix

(((((((((((((((((((Tammie))))))))))))))))))))

I've been there too.I would have missed so much if I had succeeded.Please know that there really is hope.We are here ansd we are listening and we care very much.Hold on.

Hugs

phoenix

margo

((((((((((Tammie))))))))))) I just want to say that you are not alone and we really do care about you so much. You are not beyond help, even though it may feel that way right now. Phoenix posted something the other day that really struck me in its wisdom, and it was this: Sometimes the really rough stretches are turning points. Please hang on Tammie. One day. Just one day. You can do this one day at a time, like all other things. You do have so much to live for, even though you may feel that you cannot see beyond your pain right now. Things DO get better. Your family loves you, and we love you - you are a part of our family now and you have given so much to us here. Now it's our turn to give to you. Please don't lose hope, Tammie. I too have been where you are now, and MG, and Phoenix, and we have made it through, and you can too. Nothing is ever so bad that it can't be mended, Tammie. Please hang on to hope and to the love that you have in your life.

Much love and many hugs.

Mikalyn

Tammie

Please don't think that way. You have been the best thing that has happened to me since I started this message board. You have ALWAYS checked up on me. I need you!!

One day at a time. Just like you told me. Hang in there babe. It will get better. You have no idea how awesome you are!! I know that more than half the people on this board (if not all of them) absolutely adore you! I'm hear for you. If you need to talk, you can PM me.. Okay???

I'm praying for you!!
Love, Mikalyn

HUGS!!!!

Stephanie

Hi Tammie,

You have been there for me to when I really needed someone. You mean a lot to many people here. Even though you're going throu hard times you always have concern in your heart for others. That's such a wonderful gift.

I know how you feel. Getting sober was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It can be very overwhelming. Us addicts are used to instant gratification and we want everything to be better now. The reality is that we used drugs for so long and can't expect to get better over night. I didn't know how to live either. The only thing I knew was to use drugs, how to get them, how to hide it. Not much of a resume, huh. It's hard to cope without the crutch but if I did it, you can too.

It's ok to feel bad and it's ok to feel bad about yourself right now. The feelings are what's uncomfortable. I was told to do things that would help me feel better about myself, like, make the coffee at an AA meeting or do the dishes for my mom one night. It seems like it would make you feel better to do something nice for your kids. It doesn't have to be anything huge. It's all about little baby steps. If your kids are young, read them a book. If they are older help with a homework assignment. Just one little thing one day at a time. It takes a while of feeling broken when you first get sober. But it DOES get better.

I'm a mom too and I do know that kids don't need much, just love....and food and clothing (stuff like that) but it sounds like you really love them and that's what they will remember. They need their mom more than they need trips to the zoo and stuff. It's one job where you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to be there. They need you broken or not and they get to watch you grow in your sobriety. That will be an inspiration for them.

Hang in there Tammie, you're not alone.

Love,

Stephanie

2stop

Thank you all for the kind and encouraging words. It means so much to me. I am trying to hold on and I thank you all so much for being here for me.

Hugz,
Tammie

margo

((((((((((Tammie)))))))))) We're all here for you, just as you have been for us. Keep posting as much as you need to. We really do care about you.

2stop

(((((MARGO)))))

Thank you so much for being understanding and patient with me. I cherish all of you more than I can ever let you know with words alone. The stories of courage and overcoming the odds that I read on these boards inspires me to go on..one more minute sometimes, but go on I must. I don't know how really but I'll find a way.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

margo

That's the way Tammie - take whatever you can from wherever you find it to get you through this. We're all here holding you up and you're in our thoughts and prayers.

Lots of love and hugs.

chicagored7

Wow, this is amazing. I had asked you do something for me earlier today and you did and I wanted to find somewhere to thank you. Thanks. But, now the weird thing, a few months ago, maybe even a year or more, I was having problems coping with a partner that was still using. I was extremely suicidal and I went on-line for help. This page came up. I just read what it said and that was the last I saw it until today. So, thanks again, your words helped get me through. I did not want to call a hot-line in my city because I have often, much earlier in life, ended up in handcuffs (for my own protection, they say) when I was feeling suicidal. Also, they have put me in hospital after hospital to "observe" me. My God, I felt like a plant, most of the time. They wouldn't talk to me. I felt I was being punished and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I had done wrong. God Bless

Morning Glory

I'm glad you're ok Tracey and I'm glad you're here with us.

Hugs,
MG

Emily

I didn't read all the messages in this thread, I could feel when it was becoming more than I could absorb, BUT what relief to read......that it's not my fault, the times I've attempted suicide, and to have it re-enforced to me that it is just ....you know, it's when the pain is too huge and it feels as though it will last FOREVER, and then there is the 'there's no way OUT' feelings too....

Finally I have words too for my experience in a mental hospital earlier this year. Some of those who were supposed to care for us were able to be caring or at least respectful, but there were others who, I felt, came from a place of fear and anger. They seemed to FEAR us...

And when I told one of them that I was having suicidal thoughts, the response was terrible. They didn't say 'Would you like to talk with someone???? How can we help???' Instead, the 'nurse' asked if I'd sign a paper saying I wouldn't hurt myself, and I said I wouldn't hurt myself because there was nothing to hurt myself WITH, but since I still FELT suicidal, I said no.

So there she told me to step through to the 'other side', where people who aren't considered as 'safe' or who are more out of it are....

Another nurse intervened for me, and said, instead of transfering her over there, let her sit in the TV room for awhile. So I sat there.....Finally the memories/feeling that were causing such pain surfaced, and I actually started to cry. I knew that room wasn't safe, but the tears came anyway.....and one of the other patients came over, and just put her hand on my knee and asked what was wrong. I dont' remember what I said, but it didn't matter, cause SOMEONE cared I was hurting. Not the mental health worker sitting there, but SOMEONE.

And then, I felt I could sign the paper. Went up to say so, but the head nurse wasn't going to let me do that and come back. Then an orderly came up, brought me paper and pencil, to help me, and told me what to write...He and the other nurse then talked to the head nurse, and they let me come back....

Also remember how cold the doctor was....when I was over there, they sent me in to see him briefly, the medical doctor....I was sobbing, and he just had me sit on the little table a minute, don't know why I saw him, and then let me go....

I have FELT so upset since then, but did not know.....was it just me expecting too much?????? When I read that some people will react out of fear or anger, suddenly it was all validated. I didn't do anything to deserve to be treated like that........it wasn't my fault after all....and my anger and sadness at it are real things, and my sense that some people did help are also real.....

Just means a lot to me, cause I doubt my own feelings so much..

Thanks,
From Emy

Morning Glory

Emily,

It's not your fault. Things like this make me so angry. There are people in the helping field that just shouldn't be there.

One day you will look at people like that and just see how sick they are.

You worked through your pain without their help.

Good for you.

Hugs,
MG

ODAT

I think of people kind of like rocks. Some of them are all clean and shiny like the rocks that get washed up on the beach. And some of them have all this muck and dirt caked around them and its so think that you can't see the beauty that lies underneath. And thinking of those layers of dirt, imagining what it would be like to be that rock looking out, probably they wouldn't be able to see much because the layers of dirt would prevent that. Also, if one rock in a place is all covered in muck, then likely the other rocks around it would also be covered in muck--so chances are good that if it 'could' see out--all it would see was the muck on the rocks around it. It might even think that all rocks were just mucky--never having seen the nice clean ones down by the ocean.

Yet, if we slowly clear away that dirt, we are able to see what the rock looks like underneath--see the beauty in the greys and the whites and the different speckles that are there. And likely (if rocks could see), the rock would start to see itself as something beautiful, maybe see other pretty rocks and then see that those rocks that are covered in dirt--might be able to see the dirt too and know that underneath there could be something quite beautiful.

Recovery is kind of like the cleaning of that rock. Before, we are all covered in the muck from out pasts and because of our pasts all we can see is muck. If we look outwards--we see the muck on the rocks around us and if we look inwards--we simply see the muck that covers us. We might even believe for a while that all we are is muck and all they are is muck. And many people are content to stay that way--never wondering if there is anything pretty underneath and simply accepting that all rocks are made of muck.

Some of these people go into helping professions and because they can't see properly they can't really help remove the dirt. Sometimes they might even see a little of the dirt being removed and panick because they have so much dirt themselves they think this can't be healthy--better give them some of my own dirt to cover them back up. And because they haven't yet had their own dirt removed--well, thats all they know so while their intentions might be noble and the pay cheque good--they really aren't that great in their careers. Or maybe, they did remove the dirt, but because underneath they don't have so many nice colours they really don't want to risk another rock removing its dirt--it might be something far more colourful and pretty underneath and then they would just look grey in comparison. And that other rock--the one with the dirt--would now KNOW that it was beautiful and the other one just grey.

Others work hard at removing their dirt and know that it can be such a long process to get all that grime off. But they also know that underneath all the dirt is a nice, beautiful, colourful rock and because they are happy with their own colours--they don't need to feel jealous or insecure of another rock. So they can help and frequently do.

californiacarla

I read all the messages in this thread. I related to each and everyone. When I was a teen, I didn't 'fit in' my smal town. I had no friends. I read a lot of books to escape. But I would always try to think up ways to kill myself.

My parents had a horrible relationship. Unfortunately my older sister moved in with my dad when they split then she moved out of state. We grew apart. She changed a lot 10 years later when we lived in the same city. I realize now it was probably the drugs she was using. Anyway, we never got to know each other, I never had that support of a big sister. I tried to connect and mend fences last September. 5 weeks later she died of lung cancer.

Mom was pretty screwed up due to the divorce and subsquent boyfriends. She never gave in to the pressure and used anything though. She actually quit drinking when dad left. But, she wasn't really there for me at that time.

Now I am facing the result of 4-5 years of some bad decisions. I must take responsability for my actions. I am invovled with an A. I am an A. Sometimes it seems things would be ok if I stuck with status quo, but I know its only cause the change wil be difficult.

And hose feelings of suicide are so overwhelming. It scares the **** out of me. I couldn't do that to my mom, we're closer now. She's the only reason I can come up with. I also havn't many friends I feel I could talk too. I'm glad I found this place.

Morning Glory

Welcome Carla,

I'm glad you found us too. Please feel free to share here and on the other boards.

We all support each other and have a pretty safe place here. I found family here and I know you will too.

Hugs,
MG