Hi Tammie,
You have been there for me to when I really needed someone. You mean a lot to many people here. Even though you're going throu hard times you always have concern in your heart for others. That's such a wonderful gift.
I know how you feel. Getting sober was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It can be very overwhelming. Us addicts are used to instant gratification and we want everything to be better now. The reality is that we used drugs for so long and can't expect to get better over night. I didn't know how to live either. The only thing I knew was to use drugs, how to get them, how to hide it. Not much of a resume, huh. It's hard to cope without the crutch but if I did it, you can too.
It's ok to feel bad and it's ok to feel bad about yourself right now. The feelings are what's uncomfortable. I was told to do things that would help me feel better about myself, like, make the coffee at an AA meeting or do the dishes for my mom one night. It seems like it would make you feel better to do something nice for your kids. It doesn't have to be anything huge. It's all about little baby steps. If your kids are young, read them a book. If they are older help with a homework assignment. Just one little thing one day at a time. It takes a while of feeling broken when you first get sober. But it DOES get better.
I'm a mom too and I do know that kids don't need much, just love....and food and clothing (stuff like that) but it sounds like you really love them and that's what they will remember. They need their mom more than they need trips to the zoo and stuff. It's one job where you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to be there. They need you broken or not and they get to watch you grow in your sobriety. That will be an inspiration for them.
Hang in there Tammie, you're not alone.
Love,
Stephanie