I didn't read all the messages in this thread, I could feel when it was becoming more than I could absorb, BUT what relief to read......that it's not my fault, the times I've attempted suicide, and to have it re-enforced to me that it is just ....you know, it's when the pain is too huge and it feels as though it will last FOREVER, and then there is the 'there's no way OUT' feelings too....
Finally I have words too for my experience in a mental hospital earlier this year. Some of those who were supposed to care for us were able to be caring or at least respectful, but there were others who, I felt, came from a place of fear and anger. They seemed to FEAR us...
And when I told one of them that I was having suicidal thoughts, the response was terrible. They didn't say 'Would you like to talk with someone???? How can we help???' Instead, the 'nurse' asked if I'd sign a paper saying I wouldn't hurt myself, and I said I wouldn't hurt myself because there was nothing to hurt myself WITH, but since I still FELT suicidal, I said no.
So there she told me to step through to the 'other side', where people who aren't considered as 'safe' or who are more out of it are....
Another nurse intervened for me, and said, instead of transfering her over there, let her sit in the TV room for awhile. So I sat there.....Finally the memories/feeling that were causing such pain surfaced, and I actually started to cry. I knew that room wasn't safe, but the tears came anyway.....and one of the other patients came over, and just put her hand on my knee and asked what was wrong. I dont' remember what I said, but it didn't matter, cause SOMEONE cared I was hurting. Not the mental health worker sitting there, but SOMEONE.
And then, I felt I could sign the paper. Went up to say so, but the head nurse wasn't going to let me do that and come back. Then an orderly came up, brought me paper and pencil, to help me, and told me what to write...He and the other nurse then talked to the head nurse, and they let me come back....
Also remember how cold the doctor was....when I was over there, they sent me in to see him briefly, the medical doctor....I was sobbing, and he just had me sit on the little table a minute, don't know why I saw him, and then let me go....
I have FELT so upset since then, but did not know.....was it just me expecting too much?????? When I read that some people will react out of fear or anger, suddenly it was all validated. I didn't do anything to deserve to be treated like that........it wasn't my fault after all....and my anger and sadness at it are real things, and my sense that some people did help are also real.....
Just means a lot to me, cause I doubt my own feelings so much..
Thanks,
From Emy