TheSoberNord

Hey @Graceful123 doing pretty good other than the furnace isn't working right and been freezing my stones off the last couple days.
Sobriety/PAWS wise just hit the 21 month mark and honestly I'm feeling a lot more better than where I was from this time last year or even 6 months ago. Hope I don't jinx myself but it feels like I'm moving into a new phase of recovery and life is starting to feel more normal.
One day at a time.

How's your journey going?

CBS62

I would say I have improved somewhat in the past few weeks. I have been under a lot of stress due to my mother's poor health and having to move her to a nursing home. Just got back from that trip. Had to pack up her house that she lived in for 17 years with her partner, who moved to assisted living. Very emotional and stressful but I had help from my husband and brothers. Now I am back home and facing a mountain of work due to taking time off to help my mom. Anyway, I have had a few windows (days here and there) that I did not have the rocking/boaty/dizziness but it's with me today. I also still have an internal tremor in my lower body and my jaw. I clench my teeth a lot too. Then there is the anhedonia, health anxiety and depression. Anxiety has let up quite a bit. Also my insomnia is much better but I suffer from it occasionally. I suppose I should try to reduce sugar. I have developed quite a sweet tooth and am hooked on Gluten Free Oreos. I am just past 13 months sober now.

BettyP

Hanging in over here. I'm definitely staying mostly in the same level of okayness - like I haven't had a massive fallback wave in a while. I was able to go on a hike with my sponsor and not freak out, which is great progress -- long walks and hikes, especially out in the woods, were super tough for me with anxiety - like I would be stressing about how long it would take to get back and worried that I'd have an anxiety attack while I was out there - which I inevitably would, because I was fearing it. I still get insomnia some nights, or fall asleep and wake up having some sort of cross between a nightmare and a drinking dream and have a hard time falling back asleep. Some days still some GI stuff and still sensitive to certain foods. But I've been able to eat much more normally, and my appetite is good. Life is getting better as time goes by.

CB - 13 months, yeahy! I know it's a long road, but I can see the progress in your posts. A few days here and there without the rocking sensation will become more and more frequent. It's not necessarily all downhill from here, but life will get progressively easier. You're doing awesome!!

BettyP

Of course after my check in post I end up having a fairly crummy afternoon. Depersonalization stopped by to check in, and just feeling overall uncomfortable and uneasy. It's crazy how you can feel great one day, and wake up the next feeling like you're on another planet.

Introvrtd1

I hear ya on that Betty. Anxiety does the same thing to me.

TheSoberNord

Crazy how it just drops by out of no where. Like a horrible ex who just doesn't know they're not wanted anymore!
I had a bit of a squirrely moment last night. I was just finishing up dinner and was sitting down to finally watch that Joker movie. Less than 5mins in like everything is zoomed in, skin starts crawling, heart rate goes up and don't feel like sitting still. And on top of that I'm watching a movie about a guy severely deranged and it's not helping my my anxiety. After about 40mins or so I settled down and the rest of the night was fine.
These little bouts still pop up every once in a while but at least I can say they're not like what they used to be where I would feel like that all day for days on end.

BettyP

Thank you guys so much for jumping in with those comments - makes me feel so much better. No matter how intellectually you know that it’s temporary and that it’s PAWS, it feels like a defeat and I let myself go down the anxiety rabbit hole of wondering if it was something I did or that I’ll never be normal. It really helps to have you guys bring me back to reality :-)

Vindawgs

Bear congrats on your 30 months. Your kicking ass. That's awesome. I'm right behind you with 27 months on my belt.

Betty ,I know the feeling. I actually had 3 days where I completely forgot of paws. I thought I was actually over it and was really happy and productive. It turns out this morn boom its back with some slight anxiety which I can deal with. Had great sleep and had no sugar. I guess the brain is just still calibrating. Hope everyone is feeling better. We got this all. Time will heal 🙂

Bear2020

Thanks Vindawgs. Congrats to you as well. Hang in there, it gets easier.

ant385

You are doing fantastic Betty. PAWS does this. It’s quite cruel that it makes you feel well for a while and then symptoms arise out of nowhere. It’s awful. But you will come out of this and my god. How resilient you will become.

drycucumber77

Hi everyone, drycucumber checking in to say hello! At 27 months sober, I thought it would be a good time to come on and speak about how I am. To cut a long story short, I am not where I want to be yet. It gave me a great deal of pride to revisit my earlier posts to see how far I have come though and be reminded of the shocking ordeal I went through. Now all that remains is what I thought would remain all along, and that is the head feeling which comes and goes, like it is not quite right...if i had to describe it and I may have done so before, it is like I am still recovering from someone hitting me over the head with a baseball bat years ago...I do wish this feeling would go. I have now quit smoking as well and switched to vaping, as a result I don't have the surge of adrenaline or palpitations anymore which is great and am calmer but more in a kind of a lowish mood. I wish this would lift also. Smoking came with sugary drinks, an unhealthy amount of coffee and mints so they are pretty much all out now too. I went to two dinners in succession recently and was served alcohol unexpectedly in my desert. There was no desire or yearning for more but I certainly don't have an inclination of testing the waters. Interestingly the following day I got food poisioning though and spent the whole night vomiting. I don't believe there is any correlation. I have the odd alcohol free beer here and there and enjoy it and it does seem to quell anxiety. I'm not sure how though. Also of note is this...the less I eat now, the better I seem to feel. Bizarre. The problem I've realized is that giving up booze will not make you feel fantastic in itself, it just won't make you feel like you are going to die of a hangover every day. Exercise and a good diet are of paramount importance and that is something I am trying to incorporate more in to my life. I hope even better days are around the corner, and I already know that when they come, if they come that will be a whole different challenge being the social person I am.

spen71

Three weeks sober now. I went 8 years once until 2 and a bit years ago. I forgot how tired and depressed I was for 6 months! Running was my saviour last time and I’ll be back to it soon.

adair

No matter how much I drank, I never gave up on running even if it was only two miles on the treadmill once a week. I'm ever so glad I kept that habit alive. Now that I'm trying to straighten myself out, having running to slip back into more fully does help with keeping my mind off the anxiety, fatigue and depression.

Three weeks is a solid start spen. With your history, you know what awaits if you keep going and what happens if you don't. It's a good time to lace up those shoes and get to it.

BettyP

Thank you, Ant!! Getting there - day by day :-)

Dry - you've come a super long way! I spend a fair amount of time over on Benzo Buddies and this amount of time is not at all unusual for those guys, and even if you didn't use benzos, your brain heals in its own time and you'll be done with this eventually. I was sitting on the couch tonight thinking about how you described that feeling of like you got hit hard in the head - yes to that. Even on my good days that feeling still is around - like things just aren't all put back together up there. I have also read all your posts along the way - you have come so far! It's beyond unfair that you had to go through it at all, but you're here today, you're sober, you're getting better :-)

CBS62

Hey everyone. How are you feeling these days?

I still having the rocking/boaty/dizziness every darn day. A few weeks ago I had two days that it stayed away. But the last few weeks it is 24/7. I also have the internal tremor mostly in my lower body. Ahhedonia, depression and some anxiety. Mostly health anxiety. I am pretty sure my PAWS is complicated by the benzo use(as prescribed). I am trying to get into a dentist that was recommended to me to get treatment for TMJ/teeth clenching and get a device for my mouth. Can't get in until late March. I should have done that months ago. Hopefully, that will resolve the headaches, swollen glands etc... I recently saw a new GP that said the swollen glands in my neck are either from acid reflux or teeth clenching/TMJ and not Lymphoma or something serious like that. Anyway, dealing with a lot of stress because of my mother's cancer diagnosis. Trying to hang on and stay strong. This has been a hell of a journey. Day 415 sober here.

Introvrtd1

Hi CBS,
Im day 401. Been on antidepressants for 37 days. They’re quite a rollercoaster ride of symptoms until they take therapeutic affect. Somehow in my sobriety my serotonin took a nosedive back in December 2021. All year I thought I was getting better, and I very well may have been…but the anxiety and depression became too much. Talked to my Dr an meds seemed like an option to look into.

So far so good. It’s been helpful but even though not a fan of taking antidepressants, I had to relent for the time being. Things not 100% yet but will get there in time. It’s almost like starting my sobriety all over again. Only this time it’s strangely the meds that I’m getting used to rather than the sobriety of being alcohol free.

So sorry to hear about your Mother. May healing and comfort come to her. Take care of yourself and be safe. Would like to know more about how you’re doing in the near future.

Keep posting and stay positive.

ant385

Hey dry, I’m 27ish months out. I have a box of pregabalin waiting upstairs but I not taken one. Reason is I have had a month. A whole month where I have not had a bad day. Even in my normal windows I would have a bad day here and there. But nope this is a first. I’ve even managed to get out off mirtazapine and buspirone. I felt so good. My brain is recalibrating. I can feel it. And yours is doing too. It will end. You are just having another wave of healing. I say healing because I had a Dante level wave beforehand. The worst the wave the closer to the finish line you get.

Vindawgs

Hey CB,Hehe rocking feeling I had for well over a year. Prob into month 20 in my case. I would get days where it would stop and I would forget about it even if it was actually there. It will gradually cease and you will be back to your normal self. It takes time. It is gradual. Think of it like a turtle trying to cross the road gradual. My bug thing I noticed was walking down the steps, I use to zip down them and since I had paws not as fast. I take my time going down and even that has gotten better.

Take care stay focused. Feel better

Vinny

BettyP

ant that is really encouraging to hear that you've had a whole month of freedom. Especially encouraging to me personally that you were able to stop taking the mirt, which I also take and don't want to take forever.

How is everyone doing this week?

I'm starting to really feel like my normal self a lot. PAWS is still present, but the deep internal fear is starting to fall away and I can relax much more. I'm not afraid to be alone. Music doesn't run in my head constantly. I still have anxiety but it seems to be continuing to get easier and easier.

TheSoberNord

Hey Betty I'm doing about the same here. No real complaints and life is starting to feel like normal. Get a little squirrely here and there but it's a dull roar from what it used to be. Even starting to enjoy gym time again and don't feel so easily winded and like my head is ready to explode. So I'm getting there and in 2 months it will be 2 years so I guess those veterans were right when they say that slowly but surely life will start to feel better.