Caramel

BettyP, I'm so sorry to learn what is happening, that's very tough.
Wishing you courage and strength, and kind souls to take from you what burdens they can.

Dee74

You and your dad are in my thoughts Betty.

D

adair

I hear your pain Betty and sympathize. It's almost like addiction has a secret hidden power that comes out when we're finally trying to clean up our acts. PAWS. Life complications. Turmoil and upset of all sorts.

We finally stop drinking and are feeling good about it. Things are looking up. Then PAWS hits. We begin to turn the corner on that and start to feel hopeful once again when something worse comes along to drag us back into the pits of despair. Then another PAWS wave hits. There's no apparent end in sight. It's easy to throw up our hands with a soul-crushing cry of 'Why do I even try?'

Just as an animal will resort to frantic / drastic / no holds barred measures to protect itself when mortally threatened, I see these trials and tribulations as addiction's self-preserving, last gasp efforts to remain alive. Hold the course and things do get better. Eventually. PAWS waves begin to lose their intensity and become less frequent. Life's challenges continue to come and go, but we learn to find peace and solace when things are quiet to save up some mental and emotional fortitude for when things get tough again.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, and fully understand how terrible dealing with this is on top of everything else is. My dad passed away at the end of 2020 in hospice. My mom was holding up okay until just this last week when physically and mentally she collapsed. My siblings and I are now scrambling to find her space in an assisted living facility where she can better be taken care of. Life is not easy.

Challenges can either make or break us. Within all of us is an ember of strength and resilience that is capable of getting through anything. Find that ember and fan it back to life until it becomes a roaring bonfire into which all negative emotions, thoughts and feelings can be thrown into whenever they arise.

I, personally, am with the school of thought that believes we're not presented with any challenges we can't overcome. It's not our circumstances that define us but how we choose to react to those circumstances. To find and be the beautiful selves we've been all along, in spite of everything that comes our way, is what life is ultimately all about.

ant385

The storm will end Betty. Just keep going. I am sorry about your father Betty.

LazaB

How does lack of sleep affect your PAWS ?
I started a new job online and my sleep has reduced a lot in the last 7-10 days , in the last 3 days i have been feeling like i'm going through almost acute withdrawal even though i have a 100 days sober ( or close to a 100 ) , did anyone else have a similar experience ?
I'm hoping that the lack of sleep is the cause , because i can fix that in the nest few days.

Vindawgs

Betty,

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Stay strong. You by far are one to have the strength to get through this. Huggss

Vindawgs

Hey Laza,

At 100 Days i was still going throigh extreme paws. Be strong and stay the course. It took me well over 400 days to start feeling more like my self. I beleive I was farther down the rabbit hole and of course we are all different. Just my experience. Hope you feel better. Sleep was a big trigger in the first year of recovery for me. If it was consistently om thr same time it threw me off balance in recovery. You will overcome this too. Vinny

BettyP

Thank you everyone for the well wishes. My dad passed yesterday morning. It is a blessing but also unbearably sad. It’s hard to manage acute grief without alcohol to numb out. I am having a tough wave this week - surely brought on by the stress of my dad. It’s funny I’ve been beating myself up about it like “you’ve been getting better, there is no reason why you should not be able to just get through this…” which this morning I’m like “jeez what are you thinking. Of course this is going to trigger symptoms.” I leaned on my recovery network hard, and will continue to do so / talking and crying and taking every hug I can get. It’s helped, I did take some hydroxyzine last night to turn down my brain and get some sleep - it helped. I’ve had that script since I first got sober and it didn’t do much for me in early recovery, but now my brain has much more receptors and it smoothed the sharp edges of the grief so that I could calm down and rest, I don’t plan to lean on anything as much as I can, but I’m glad to have that little tool in my pocket if I need it. For months and months I would have waves and feel like there was absolutely nothing I could do to feel better other than drink or take a benzo (not option). One of the scariest parts of PAWS is feeling like you have no control over feeling better and that it will last forever. I’ve learned that as you heal that those fears do not come true - it gets better and you get more control. You just have to develop the tools - and then actually use them!
To the post about not sleeping - absolutely. Think of sleep as the most important medicine in this recovery you can get, the less you get the worse you’ll feel, Prioritize good sleep and rest and breaks at the top of the list, when you get better in time you can push the limits - but right now you need as much rest as you can possibly get and do not feel guilty about making it your priority,

CBS62

(((Betty))) I am so sorry about your dad. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

Caramel

Immense sympathy to you, BettyP, in your great loss.

Vindawgs

So sorry to hear of your loss. My condolences 🙏

adair

Sorry for your loss, BettyP. I know by the time a parent is in hospice, passing is the best outcome for all involved. It doesn't minimize the loss, but it is a relief to know the parent's suffering has come to an end.

A parent's passing leaves a hole in one's life. At first it's a raw, jagged thing with sharp edges, but over time the edges smooth and the hole fills in (somewhat). The cycle of life goes on.

Grief and loss do add a measure of emotional turmoil that come and go in their own waves, adding a little extra momentum to any PAWS waves that happen to be in motion. At times the only thing to do is hold on tight and wait for the swells to pass. The seas eventually calm and the sun peeks out from behind the storm clouds.

Peace and Blessings.

BettyP

Thank you guys - I love the support I get from here from SR friends. :-)

ant385

You will always have support here Betty. I think you are incredibly strong and brave. Everyone on here have these attributes. With time the grief will ease. The PAWS will be obliterated. But love for your dad will remain. Time won’t reverse that third one…

Graceful123

First of all, I'd like to express my condolences for your dad Betty. I've messaged you directly already but just wanted to state again that you and I have been braving this thing shoulder-to-shoulder for the last (almost) 2 years. Please always feel free to get in touch with me at any time!

Laza: Yes, I've stated a few pages back that I, too, have noticed that sleep has a direct correlation as to how you feel that day while going through PAWS. I noticed every time I get either too much sleep or too little sleep, ALL my paws symptoms would act up, starting from anxiety, all the way to just being uneasy in my own skin. In my (non-medical) opinion, it's because both sleep and PAWS are a direct consequence of your GABA receptors. When you don't get enough sleep, you irritate them(?) (or something like that, again, not a doctor, just using my common sense and hours of google research on GABA). But absolutely, sleep was one of the biggest contributing factors to my PAWS symptoms, especially in the early days, no question about it. My suggestion is definitely get your 8 hours. I also stated here about a year ago, when I was in the thick of it, just how important it is to make sure your PAWS recovery comes first, please find a way to get that full nights sleep.

Speaking as someone who's a PAWS veteran, I can tell you that now, almost 2 years later, sleep doesn't affect PAWS too much, my episodes are rare and far apart and I'll sometimes do weeks on 5-6 hours of sleep and I won't notice a significant difference. So, like with any PAWS symptoms, this sleep dependency does eventually subside

ant385

Anyone heard from the OP?

Graceful123

Ttamelbon? He created this thread in 2016. I am not sure he'd be frequenting it much 6 years later. Maybe shoot him a private message?

BettyP

Just wanted to update everyone that a week out, going through grief with late-stage PAWS is rough, but survivable. Like all other emotions, you feel the loss and sadness times a hundred. But - it also has its own waves. So if anyone now or in the future is worried about living through a major loss while in PAWS and not drink, I just wanted to say that it can be done! Am I sad? Absolutely. And the acute stage definitely triggered symptoms and I had a couple of very rough days last week. But yesterday and today I have been having good days - more progress forward and I'm still healing (aka not starting back at the beginning). Thank you everyone for your support - much love to all :-)

drycucumber77

Betty, it's only now that I have come to learn of the passing of your father. I am really, really sorry. You will heal but understand it takes time. I went through it five years ago with my father...one of the reasons why my already hedonistic lifestyle transpired in to actual proper alcohol abuse was that and the constant fear of something happening to those closest to me. It was like the only way I could get the emotions out. I , sober still hold this fear. Now 2.5 years on... I am still not out of the woods. I am starting to wonder if I will ever be out of the woods. Still suffer with symptoms and ****** feelings but then again I am not disciplined enough to eat the right things all the time, do the right things all the time. Still have outbursts, blood pressure spikes, internal shakiness, depression out of nowhere and still have the everything is not quite right feeling....2.5 years is a long time. It's difficult to imagine this being indefinite.

BettyP

Thank you, Dry :-)
I just did a google search of "benzo buddies 2.5 years" and there are indeed plenty of folks who went through the rooms over there who have slogged it out this long. One thing I know it's super frustrating, though! I'm between 21 and 22 months and some days I feel good and like things are getting back to normal, and others I feel like I'm never going to be normal again. I read on one of those posts last week when I was having some rough days that some people reported feeling just as bad as they ever felt even days before they were done for good with symptoms. There is no rhyme or reason - however, you're still feeling what you're feeling and that is real, and there are lots of other people who have gone through it just as long. It just means your brain isn't done tinkering with the system yet. I get super frustrated because I feel like "I just DRANK - I didn't use benzos so this should be over now" - but it's something we have no control over, unfortunately, other than to stay sober and wait out the clock. Our brains are nerve tissue, which takes a long time to heal. Think about people who have regained motion after spinal injuries - very slowly over a period of years.
But it is not indefinite - you'll know when you feel better, it won't be a guessing game. Think about how you felt six and ten months ago and you will see your progress, rather than focusing on what is still lingering when you're having a rough day. For example, I went for a hike on Sunday and did not feel anxious at all - - even four months ago I couldn't do that because I just felt sooo weird and anxious and to be away from home and in the woods was overwhelming. I even enjoyed myself! It's taken almost two years to get to that point, which is excruciating. Keep checking in - we are here to support you for as long as it takes -- AND, your posts will help the next person who comes along through these rooms who gets to 2.5 years and thinks "I must be the only one." You're doing really great at a very hard thing! :-)