CBS62

Hey Vinny. I hope you feel better soon! I am curious. Are you vaccinated and boosted? Christmas was nice but difficult at the same time as my mother is in the hospital but I had all my children home.

I have been having a few windows from the rocking/boaty/dizziness sensation. Every several days I don't have it. But then it comes back. I hope it is a sign that it will go away for good soon. Still feeling the anhedonia most days.

Happy New Year everyone. Now that I am in my second year of sobriety I hope to be improving.

Alysheba

CBS, Congrats going into your second year with PAWS being so grueling. That is truly wonderful. I hope that rocking feeling goes away.
I know I was trying to get off some medication I'd been on a long time. I had PAWS from this for 3 years, but I didn't do things as well as I could have. I went off cold turkey, mostly because of my sadistic psychiatrist at the time and I was in an awful place for a long time. I feel for you and pray and hope and I know it will end sometime. You are doing everything correctly. Love and peace to you, Dear One. I hope Sarge is a comfort to you. He is such a beautiful dog and as a former German Shephard owner, although he was black, from the NorCal German Shephard Rescue, he was older, 6 when we got him (his family dumped him at the pound) and 12 when we had to have him put down. He had severe dysplasia and his legs just couldn't hold him anymore. I miss him. Lucky you have your boy still. He helped so much during the hard times. I hope your Sarge is a comfort to you too. 💗

Introvrtd1

Jan 1st will be One Year for me…the last couple weeks have been return of the paws big time!

Thought I wouldn’t see these symptoms of anxiety at this level ever again.

But since the last couple weeks, they’ve been slowly slowly slowly diminishing. Not linearly, but up and down with a downward trend. Not a very steep downward trend anyway.

Sigh…I’m hopeful it’s only paws…at least I have a way to identify what it is….Sadly most medical doctors don’t recognize paws but they treat the symptoms. They medicate the anxiety and depression. From what I’ve read theres no way to measure paws from one person to the next.

Anyway I’ll be glad when it runs it’s course and ends..Also read it could take up to two years so I’m halfway there. This sober year 2021 was long. I just hope 2022 isn’t as long and symptoms aren’t nearly as bad. They shouldn’t be.

Alysheba

Intro and CBS s

Dee74

congrats you guys

D

BettyP

Hi Everyone Happy New Year! Vinny that suuuuucks that you got sick - how are you feeling today? Covid definitely messes with the nervous system - hence people losing their sense of taste and smell - so it's probably to be expected that it'll bring out your PAWS symptoms. My guess is that you'll go back to your baseline once your body clears the infection. The only way to go back to square one is to start drinking again, really.

CB - yeahy for windows! This is really good progress, trust the process. The windows will get longer and more frequent. Congrats on making it to one year!!!! A huge accomplishment!

I am feeling pretty good these days. I had a wave of depression and some of the creepy crawly eerie feeling during the week of Christmas, and then one day I woke up and felt much better the next day for a string of days. Life continues to improve. I'll be 18 months on Jan 7, and it seems right on track with many stories I've read of people feeling as though a year and a half was when they felt like they've got this. I'm starting to feel like I got this - maybe another month or two of healing to be sure.

I went to an in-person aa meeting last night and there was a man there who is sober two months longer than me and has been clearly suffering with PAWS -- but ALONE and confused and scared to death. His fiance left him because she didn't believe him about his symptoms. He's become pretty agoraphobic and was saying that he feels he has nerve damage, Lyme disease, etc - - I'm so glad he came to the meeting and hope he comes back so that he won't be alone in the recovery anymore. I cannot IMAGINE being in the dark the whole time and not having this thread of people who have been there and are going through it. PAWS is REAL and it's debilitating and people do not understand it because not enough people talk about it. Thankful for you all, and I'm glad to see everyone checking in. Here's to more progress in 2022!!

Alysheba

Betty, good for you! That is wonderful news.
I was really alone when I was going through my PAWS episode. No one understood, esp in my family, judgmental and unsupportive out of ignorance and just being miserable people. Unfortunately I may have to try to go off another medication I've been on for decades and I hear the withdrawals can be pretty badly with this particular med. So I've been trying to gear up for that for some time. If I move, I'll have to find a doctor who is up on this stuff. Intro, slowly. I deal with terrible anxiety too. My worse PAWS symptom. I've been having panic attacks since I've been 17 y.o., so I am kind of prone to it, likely from the way I was raised.
You all are doing great hanging in there with sobriety. It's worth it. PAWS eventually goes away. I heard a great interview with Stevie Nicks about her troubles with cocaine and benzodiazepines (Klonopin). How coming off the benzos almost killed her. Her hair turned grey almost overnight and she had some troubling symptoms. She did get through. Of course she had the best care money can buy, but look at how her sobriety has left her flourishing, eventually. Maybe the interview is on youtube. Not sure. It was very interesting. She was very down to earth about the issues and she got through it.
You're all doing great. I do have to gear up to get off this one med. I'm just kind of scared. You all are inspiring me again. Thank you for your great posts! 💗☮💘💨

Introvrtd1

But I’m afraid paws got the best of me this time. Spoke to my Doctor about the worsening anxiety and depression last couple months. Prescribed me an AD meds. Didn’t want to do it and tried to hold out for months. The paws went away after around 6 months but came back with a vengeance around month 11-12. It was too much so I threw in the towel and started taking the meds. Im on day 2…Usually takes a couple weeks to see any improvement and several weeks more to see remarkable change.

As of now, I have to endure the side effects for a week before things settle. Just about every article and every forum says the same thing about SSRIs…”It gets worse before it gets better”. That’s what kept me from starting this med in the first place. I really don’t want to go thru this any more than I’ve already have. And not to mention being stuck on these meds possibly long term, which I’m not a fan of either. sigh.

I suppose it’s worth not having to suffer these symptoms anymore. Im hoping for the best for now.

Alysheba

Intro

Graceful123

Good evening everyone!

I haven't been on this thread in some time and I kept telling myself "it's time to check in with everyone on SR!" but I just kept forgetting and putting it off. I've got about 8 pages of missed forum posts on this specific topic to catch up on, and I promise one day I will

Just like with BettyP, I too have my 18 months sober coming up on Jan 6th. I've been feeling wonderful. I can't stress enough the black hole that I've climbed from - into the light that is normal life in the last 18 months. I can't claim that I am entirely out of the woods yet. The random spikes of anxiety and weird feelings that accompanied PAWS do sometimes make a comeback, but my PAWS is now maybe at a 10% intensity, if that. And of course getting better and better by the day. This is a sharp contrast to early months of recovery where I could sit all day in a quiet dark room in full panic mode with torturous anxiety dialed up to 11.

I'm here to say that I'm proof that PAWS is something that passes. Yes, it takes what seems like forever, yes, it is a painful and grueling journey. There will be days where you will want to give up. I know, I've been there. Whatever you have, I promise I've had too. Auditory hallucinations in the first week? Check. Waking up thinking you're in a different world or dead? Check. Anxiety that is so bad that it cannot be described in words? Yes. Depression and panic? Oh yeah baby. BUT all that has passed. Stay strong and you will climb out of this hellhole.

In fact my PAWS are so rare and mild these days that I actually forgot for a long time about the existence of this forum, simply because I had no need for it.

It took me 18 months to get to the point where I actually forgot the word PAWS. Keep strong and you will get there too.

I promised myself that when I recover, I will still visit these forums and provide guidance to those who are behind me on this journey. And now is my time to start making good on that promise. As they say: a promise made...

That said, please feel free to ask me any questions whether on this forum or in my personal inbox. I would be glad to help!

Thank you all!

Vindawgs

HEY cb, sorry to hear of your mom. Hope she gets better. Sounds like your windows are getting longer and your heading in the right direction. It takes times and as long as we're sober we should be good. I only took the 1st vax didn't do the second and no I'm not boosted. Feeling much better just have a cough that's hanging around. If it wasn't for paws still hanging around I would be feeling great. Paws tends to hang and say hi every once in awhile. It still presents itself. In a much lesser form but I wish It didn't at all. Happy New Year to you all.

Vinny

adair

Though far from an unqualified success, in 2021 I was alcohol free for 49/52 weeks with my drinking occurring in two discrete periods - a two week binge in Feb/Mar and a one day slip up in August. This makes 2021 one of the driest years I've had in decades. Whew.

With this much sober time, I've found the severity of my PAWS symptoms have lessened considerably. What many have said is ringing true for myself as well — PAWS symptoms do ebb over time, howbeit very slowly. Over the summer, I was hit by tsunami waves of despair, anxiety and panic that left me as a literal quivering heap on the floor on more than one occasion. Over the last couple months, though, the waves — when they hit — are no more than twenty foot swells. Though they still pack a punch, they are nothing compared to the intensity of the symptoms from before. Slowly but surely the storm clouds are beginning to thin and I think I see the sun trying to break through. Progress.

With PAWS diminishing (finally! I have suffered from PAWS for many, many years without knowing what it was and those symptoms have resulted in more relapses than I can count), I find myself having to deal with a bundle of old anxieties and neurosis that I never took the time to deal with. My go to move for decades was to self-medicate with alcohol so I wouldn't have to deal with any of my original issues. But my issues haven't gone anywhere — they've just been in a substance induced stupor all this time.

Having demonstrated to myself that I can cope with the worst PAWS has to offer — when it's really bad my coping is nothing more than white knuckling it, gritting my teeth and holding on tight until the symptoms pass, but at least I don't pick up — I think I can finally begin to make progress on some of these old issues without using. And when things get too bad, PAWS has taught me how to disconnect from myself, become the observer, to sit back and ride the wave until the worst has passed. Valuable skills I can apply to the rest of my life.

So for 2022 I am committed to making it through the entire calendar year with no alcohol. I don't believe I have been totally alcohol free for an entire calendar year since 1984. May this be my first of many sober years to come.

Peace to all who are suffering from this affliction. It is hell on earth when you're in the thick of it, but it does get better with time.

BettyP

Yeah, adair I hear that about dealing with all the stuff that was there before the drinking. As the PAWS has been clearing I've started working on the old stuff - talking with my therapist about healing old trauma, family patterns, working on the regular non-PAWS depression and anxiety - and of course, relationship stuff (everyone's favorite). I guess it's better than being totally checked out, though!

Vindawgs

Hey Intro,

Congrats on your 1 year sober. That's awesome. Keep going. I'm currently at 2 year at 2 ½ month mark. It gets easier. The anxiety for me was tough in my 1st year. The depression would come in waves and it would hit me mostly in the mornings like a brick. But stay focused on your recovery and what ever makes you feel better is what you continue to do. Whether it be dinner, the movies, hanging with sober friends or just going for a walk. Keep doing just your feel good hobby. It slowly gets you to where you want to be. But it takes time. I noticed big changes at my 1 year mark. It was still very tough but it was easing up. At my 2 year mark it got even easier, but it's a gradual process. Rhey all say 2 years but I guess we're all different and heal differently. In my case I know I'm a slow healer. But I'm taking it for what it is and will continue to heal. Hope you are all having a great day. Happy New Year all.

Vinny

Londonguy99

Hey guys. Since having a massive session with my friend over New Years I’ve had the worst withdrawal symptoms I’ve ever had. Can’t sleep at all, anxiety off the scale, finding it difficult to sit still and massive hypochondria.
Anyone have any similar experiences?

Introvrtd1

Thanks Vinny,

Finally told my Dr about my anxiety and decided it was best to go on antidepressants for awhile….I was a bit reluctant, but hopefully it will be a boost to my recovery as I remain sober. I realized that sometimes asking for professional help isn’t a bad thing and actually following their recommendations isn’t either. So here I go for awhile. Day 7 on the meds and things seem to be looking up.

Thanks again.

Intro

ant385

yes. My hell started after New Years 3 years ago. But I did not give up drinking until a year later as I am a bit of an idiot. You need to stop and do it now. It will only get worse if you don’t. Good luck to you.

BettyP

Yeah Londonguy I second Ant -- I stopped for good after a session of withdrawal like this. Your brain is literally out of gas and you're running strictly on alcohol for your gaba and other neurotransmitters to calm you down at this point. Like ant said this is where things will just get worse and you'll need to drink to get through the day. The sooner you stop, the sooner you can get though it and be free!

BettyP

I made it to 18 months on Friday last week! I remember being at like 6, 8 and 10 months - even 12 months, and thinking that 18 months was SOO FAR AWAY. Well I made it! I'm not totally recovered, but I feel a whole hell of a lot better than I did at 6 8 and 10 months. I've had stretches of days where I feel totally normal and feel like I'm putting this all behind me. Then I have a few days where I'm still restless and anxious and uncomfortable - but it's not like the peak days. And the spells last only a few days or sometimes just a few hours. I have a normal appetite most days (eating and nausea was a huge thing for me for a long time), I can listen to music most days (it was too overstimulating for months and months) and in fact I've been able to listen to headphones and do work at the same time like the old me in the last two weeks - yeahy! If anything is still lingering its low grade anxiety and general fear - it waxes and wanes. I also feel like I could sleep forever and ever. It's like catching up from all the insomnia and crappy sleep in early recovery. I've been sleeping 10-12 hours a lot of nights! I assume that will straighten itself out in time, though.

Most of all I am encouraged that I'm hitting the beginning of the end of the timeline and I am indeed getting better. The worst is over, I think, even if there are still some tougher days. It's true that everyone recovers, even when we feel like we will be the one case that won't. I was convinced I would be different and that I'd feel that way forever - guess what, I was wrong! We all recover if we stay sober :-)

Introvrtd1

Great news Betty!