Dee74

I agree with Bim and adair Introvrtd- you've stumbled but you're not down yet - get back up!
D

BettyP

Introvrtd1 - don't let yourself believe everything's all or nothing - - backsliding a little doesn't mean you aren't going to recover. Just get back on the good foot and keep moving forward. We are all here for you!

Adair - I am 33 months, so a little over two and a half years sober. After my waves the last couple of weeks, I am forging into new territory of feeling not just good and normal, but pretty great some days. I don't remember who said it upthread that they're really struggling with anxiety, but this was BY FAR my worst issue, and it really limited my ability to live a normal life - I literally could not leave the house, it was so bizarre and weird and all I could think about was that I had to adapt my life because this is what I was going to be like now, that I broke my brain. I am feeling SO much better, even with the waves I had recently. It's not going to last forever you guys - I drove alone in downtown Boston today like it was no big deal - traffic, congestion, construction, noises -- like I'd never had PAWS in the first place. It's all coming back - we all recover! :-)

LazaB

I am currently here at 100 days sober , how long did this last for you Betty ? I am literally thinking that this will be my life from now on so i better get used to it.

adair

Those gains, BettyP, though slow in coming are phenomenal once they do begin to happen. They're small things at first and aren't always consistently present, but to have the anxiety fade to the point where it's possible to start to feel like a 'normal' person on occassion after years of not being able to do so is so very gratifying.

For the longest time I was very people adverse when out in public. I'd keep my head down and do my best not to notice anyone so I could rush through whatever I needed to do (buy groceries, etc) so I could rush back to the safety of my own home. Now when I go to the market, I not only notice my surroundings but am able to make incidental eye contact with other people without even a twinge of anxiety. It's night and day from where I was. I'm still not very good at actually interacting with people, but I'll get there. Baby steps. Though mentally I'm still a long way from where I'd like to be, I'm pleasantly pleased with the progress I have made and am looking forward to additional gains in the years to come.

100 days sober is still fairly early in recovery when it comes to recovery from full-blown PAWS. I've seen a number of comments that the 9-month mark can be particularly rough but after that the waves start to diminish in both frequency and height. Each person is different though. The common theme among all who do stay the course for the long haul is that if you hold on long enough, things do get better.

I found assuming the mindset of 'this will be my life from now on so I better get used to it' to be incredibly helpful. It stopped me from wallowing in a state of unending pity about the state of my life. Accepting my anxious, confused self as I am without conditions (I guess that's what they call loving yourself?) brought a tremendous amount of peace. And from that calmer state of mind I was able to begin working on little things that might make my life a little bit better rather than wanting to go from 0 - 100, from mentally sick to completely healthy, in a blink of an eye. Those baby steps, though I don't at first seem to be moving much at all, do add up over time and before I know it I'm a few kilometers down the road from where I started.

rothmaninc

Hello, I hope that you are all doing well. Have any of you noticed that symptoms from a common cold and/or allergies last longer, and are a bit more difficult while recovering? I am about 10 days from the one year mark and I have a bad cold, which has been causing me to feel agitated daily. In fairness, I feel much better than early on in PAWS, however it is somewhat challenging feeling tired and agitated for days at a time. I have little energy so I have been drinking a couple of K-cups of coffee daily. Some days are good, but others are a pain in the butt. As always any feedback, sharing commonalities is greatly appreciated.

BettyP

Laza - for me it took a LONG time, unfortunately, I don't know if that will be your experience or not, but I had such extreme anxiety that it was well over a year before I really started to be able to believe I was going to get better. It was a year and a half before I really turned a corner. When it did, though, it wasn't because I was doing anything other than just staying sober and taking care of myself - my brain just healed over time and things that were awful in early recovery got better and easier. I really struggled with forcing myself to do things because I was afraid if I didn't that I would lose independence and become a permanent shut-in -- try to remember that your anxiety is physical, not situational - there are things you can do to lower your anxiety somewhat, but ultimately the call is coming from inside the house and your brain is working on its own timeline, so don't beat yourself up for feeling like you can't do a lot of the things you normally like and enjoy. It's not forever. The part of your brain where fear works takes a long time to heal, but it's not permanent. It certainly FEELS permanent, but just do your best to get through it and don't pick up a drink. 100 days is tough - I think AA gives out a 9 month chip for a reason, it's usually a difficult time, and you don't have to put a brave face on it because you're doing an incredibly hard thing!

LazaB

@BettyP Thank you very much , this is actually helpful , i don't really care if it lasts long , i just need hope that it will end , or at least get better , because at 110 days i am not sure if i am feeling ANY improvement in anxiety , your post gives me a lot of hope

BettyP

Laza - that thing your mind does that says you're stuck this way and you better get used to it -- that's a PAWS symptom, I think. It's hopelessness. It's hard to separate it out from what you know is true and real (we all recover), especially in early recovery, but this will get easier over time, especially when you start to get good windows. I also struggled with this a lot because of self hating ideas that I deserved to suffer, that I did this to myself, this is the price I pay etc. etc. - in the end, all of that self hate and punishment just made my despair so much worse, and on the days that I would remind myself that it's ok to not be ok, that my recovery is happening and that I need to slow down and take care of myself was when I was better able to get through the waves. Just keep that in mind -- we are not here to suffer and punch ourselves in the face. You've made a radical decision to be sober and it takes a long time to heal!

Caramel

^ BettyP.

biminiblue

@Introvrtd1 Where are you? I see you logged in this morning.

I hope you'll talk to us, and that you can get back on the sober side.

It's much better all around. Don't let alcohol take you down. We care.

TheSoberNord

Hey gang.
Been a rough few days here. First the good news, as of the 23rd I am now 3 years sober. Bad news though my uncle that I was close with suddenly passed away at home. I just saw him over easter weekend and he was in good spirits and appeared to be healthy. Then shortly after heading home that following Monday he passed away and it was over a week before a friend of his came to check on him. When I got the news it felt like a knife twisting in my guts. The worse has been having to drive an hour away to his home and going through his things while the whole place has the odor of rotting meat in it. So anyone who has had experience in dealing with death in the family and funeral arrangements know how stressful it can can be and this is the first time in my life I've had a more direct involvement with it. When my Brother died 16 years ago it was stressful but back then I drank away the bad feelings and my folks handled all of the funeral arrangements. Now I'm sober and having to deal with this on life's terms. And right before this though I felt like I was truly breaking free and shaking off the PAWS symptoms forever and lets just say this has been a reality check. On the bright side though I'm grateful for the sober time I have and the foundation I've built. I don't know if I could of handled this kind of stress in my early days of sobriety when just going through life and trying to do normal everyday things had me a nervous wreck on most days.

I know I'll get through this, funeral is Saturday and Monday have to make one more trip back into town to take care of some personal property of his and that should be that. After that the roughest part will be getting used to never seeing him anymore in this life anyway. Anyway just wanted to vent for a bit here, cherish and love your family and friends while they're here, because you never know when it will be the last time you'll see them.

Caramel

^ Dreadful that it happened that way, TheSoberNord. My sincere sympathy.

Take gentle care of yourself; make sure you seek out help if it's needed, and accept any that is offered.

We'll be here.

LazaB

@TheSoberNord Stay strong , congratulations on 3 years.
I am on my month 4 and a nervous wreck everyday , i hope that nothing really bad happens to me in my first year or two , i don't know how to handle those things like a normal person.

adair

That's a rough loss, TheSoberNord, sure to leave you shaken, exposed and raw. Feel, mourn, shed your tears. Put one foot in front of the other. Bit by bit, the ache of the loss becomes more manageable.

Even as the worst of PAWS symptoms fade and things get much better overall, I notice that I feel things much more deeply. Emotions hit home in a way I've never known before and learning to deal with them takes time, effort and patience. I guess I numbed myself for so long that I never really learned how to properly deal with emotions. When something big happens, the onslaught of new emotions can hit like a mini-PAWS wave, though there are differences. Most notably, there is a freedom to deal with the emotions on my terms rather than tossed around helplessly in PAWS maelstrom with little to no say in the matter.

BettyP

SoberNord - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Big hugs! The circumstances sound truly awful. As far as PAWS, anything super stressful will probably set off some old symptoms for a while, because your nervous system gets all riled up from the shock and the grief. It will pass. As far as getting through the grief sober - it's really tough stuff, but you will be ok. I lost my dad at around two years sober, and I was definitely not ready, but I did not drink over it. I know a few people on the thread had some big losses too, and hopefully they'll chime in here. Grief is awful and it feels so all encompassing and like it will never end, but it does - you don't forget the person, you just heal and become able to think of the person you love without feeling overwhelmingly sad. Going through it sober allows you to properly feel the feelings, and really it's an honor to the one you lost - you can grieve them properly. It doesn't feel like a gift when you're going through it, because sober feelings are a LOT, but you get to be there and be present for your family and your own feelings and properly say goodbye. Lots of love and support from here - you're strong and healthy and sober, you will get through this :-)

TheSoberNord

Thanks everybody. I'm feeling a little better today now that the shock of it all is fading but it was a raw couple days there for sure. I look at it as one of the challanges of sober living, just because my drinking days are behind me doesn't mean that life is always gonna be smooth sailing. If anything it's more challenging! Life is pretty enjoyable now for the most part but when the stressful days hit they hit hard and I notice it's days like this when I'll start having multiple nights of drinking dreams again but I just have to adapt and overcome them just like what normal people have to do when the bad days happen to them.

rothmaninc

condolences SoberNord

Dee74

I'm very sorry for your loss TSN.

D

CBS62

Sobernord I am so sorry about your Uncle. But congrats on 3 years! Pat yourself on the back for that.

I lost my brother in Feb. 2022 and then my mother in April 2022. I never relapsed and that was a good test. I am still grieving but doing my best to appreciate all the blessings I have. I think of them everyday. I guess grieving never ends but it changes. It gets less painful and morphs into an appreciation of life and memories that were shared. At least for me. I am reading The Wild Edge of Sorrow. I recommend it. Sounds like your Uncle was lucky to have you.

Introvrtd1

Thanks…

As of today i’m on day 5….again….

It was days shy of two years sober when I deliberately decided I wanna take that drink….i got bored….then as all of you know…the drink took me…

So after a rough few months….I’ve decided again….after being back on the withdrawal cycle….time to quit….again….

thanks for the support. At this point i’m just in reflection on how i’m continuing forward.