Laza - that thing your mind does that says you're stuck this way and you better get used to it -- that's a PAWS symptom, I think. It's hopelessness. It's hard to separate it out from what you know is true and real (we all recover), especially in early recovery, but this will get easier over time, especially when you start to get good windows. I also struggled with this a lot because of self hating ideas that I deserved to suffer, that I did this to myself, this is the price I pay etc. etc. - in the end, all of that self hate and punishment just made my despair so much worse, and on the days that I would remind myself that it's ok to not be ok, that my recovery is happening and that I need to slow down and take care of myself was when I was better able to get through the waves. Just keep that in mind -- we are not here to suffer and punch ourselves in the face. You've made a radical decision to be sober and it takes a long time to heal!