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Finally admitting my addiction

Old 04-02-2017, 02:49 PM
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Finally admitting my addiction

Hi,

I can't believe I've actually signed up to this forum, and am even typing these words.
To cut a long story short, I'm at the stage where I drink a bottle of vodka about 4 days of the week. The rest I'll have some other form of alcohol, usually socially. I wake up in the morning thinking about it, try to resist my urges, and usually fail. I buy a bottle of vodka on the way to work and have regularly finished it by the time I'm going home. I can't believe I've somehow got myself into this stage of life. I dont even drink for a reason most of the time, It's just that I'm addicted to the feeling alcohol gives me. At times I feel so much guilt and horror at what I've become and tell myself I need to quit for good, then the next day I'll not care and buy a bottle of vodka.
I'm only in my mid twenties, In a happy relationship with a man I love so much, have an amazing family, great friends and none of them are aware of this. I'm so scared that I won't be able to stop, and that I'll ruin all the good things I have in life.

I guess I just needed to finally find somewhere to finally admit this, without keeping it all in.

Also, I've just realised I've probably posted in the wrong section, as It's literally my first time ever on here.
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Old 04-02-2017, 02:59 PM
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Hi DonnaNix

Welcome to the best place you never wanted to be.

I am glad you posted, you are on the beginning of a journey that you will never regret starting.

This board has been a life saver for me.

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Old 04-02-2017, 03:33 PM
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Welcome Donna,

Reading and posting on here has really helped me through the first two weeks.

This site was a lucky find for me and I hope it is for you too. Well done on saying hello!
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Old 04-02-2017, 03:53 PM
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I was 19 when I started drinking and was a full blown alcoholic by my early twenties. I only wish I'd been as honest with myself as you're being now. The fact that you've readily acknowledged a bad problem is good.

I attend 3 AA meetings a week, and each one has a number of very happy, healthy 20 somethings that have decided to knuckle down and change their lives by eliminating alcohol. I can't help but think what enormous favors they are doing for themselves by tackling this problem early.

You can do it
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Old 04-02-2017, 04:04 PM
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Thanks guys.

I did consider AA a few times but the thought honestly terrifies me. I think signing up on here is at least a step in the right direction, and I am hopeing I can conquer this myself. Ofcourse, If things get worse then I will rethink joining AA.

I realised how bad things were for me when I actually looked on at myself through someone else's eyes, and how sad it is to actually see someone desperately drinking vodka in public toilets before work. I cringe just thinking about it.
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Old 04-02-2017, 04:37 PM
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Your apprehension is perfectly normal. The nice thing about AA is that there is no rigid timetable to do anything. Keep coming here in the meantime and get things out as you need to. These first baby steps are important and constructive

BTW... I used to shove beers in my laptop case and drink in the men's room between classes in college. Other times I'd have it in my car and go to the parking garage and swill a couple when I had more time. You'd be surprised how common this type of behavior is.. you're not alone.

Rob
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Old 04-02-2017, 04:54 PM
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Welcome Donna- meetings are not scary. The thought of anything new is. Perhaps also see a counsellor if you can. To change - to stop drinking menas doing something differently. It took professional guidance to help me do this. Will power and luck did not work.
Keep posting. Support to you. PJ
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Old 04-02-2017, 04:55 PM
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You posted just fine Donna

I couldn't really believe I was posting here either - but it was one of the smartest things I ever did.

This is a great community and you'll find a lot of support here

D
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Old 04-02-2017, 05:47 PM
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Welcome Donna! You will find so much information and support here from others who are/have been where you are at. You are definitely not alone. Keep reading, keep posting.
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Old 04-02-2017, 05:57 PM
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I spent 27 years drinking everyday. I too would wake up every morning, hungover, and tell myself today will be different. But it never was - I would buy liquor and repeat.

Drinking was my main goal in life for decades and I didn't know (and feared) how to change. 6 months ago the life I was living was no longer bearable and I had two choices; drink 24/7 until I died or quit drinking and get some help.

Today I have 160 days sober, I go to AA meetings 6 days a week and I feel good.

Sobriety can be done if you want it bad enough. Good luck with your struggle.
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Old 04-02-2017, 06:43 PM
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I've been where you are now. Just four short months ago. The last thing I did before going to bed was make sure there was a couple shots of JD left to allow me to function in the morning. I had quit pursuing my hobbies and started to disassociate myself from those that I cared about. I was still around these people (and they are great) but I did not feel them part of my inner circle. Alcohol had become my spouse, my best friend, and my confidant. It never let me down, it was guaranteed, if I drank enough I didn't care too much about anything. I was numbing myself to the world one shot at a time.

If you reading this and it strikes a nerve, know that you are not alone. Welcome...
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Old 04-02-2017, 08:10 PM
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welcome, Donna, and way to go on facing this.

and being able o 'step outside' yourself and see the pathetic....cuts through a lot of bs.

many ways of going about this, and if you're set on doing this basically on your own, i'd suggest you read the AVRT threads in the "Secular Connections" forum farther down.

glad to have you here, exploring and sharing.
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Old 04-02-2017, 08:18 PM
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Welcome Donna, SR gave me the support and knowledge I needed to get sober. We are all here for you.
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Old 04-02-2017, 10:00 PM
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Welcome Donna. You're not alone. I've been lurking this forum for years before signing up this week, because I finally wanted to do something about my alcoholism.

I, too, would drink every morning. 7am? 8am? Either way, by 10am I was several beers deep. Every. Single. Day. 15-20 beers a day.

I work from home now but there was a period of time I worked in the office, a couple years ago. I would have beers in my briefcase and drink them in the bathroom. Or I'd pour them into a paper coffee cup with a lid. I always found a way to drink, and I always had it on me.

I felt trapped. I didn't even want to drink.

A blood test this week showed elevated liver enzymes for the first time for me. I'm 35 years old. I said enough is enough and quit cold turkey the next day (this past Thursday). I'm only 4 days in and it's been one of the most empowering things I've ever done. I feel foggy, anxious, and tired ... but it's a hell of a lot better than how I felt while drinking.

If I can do it, you can too! One day, one hour, at a time.
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Old 04-02-2017, 10:45 PM
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Originally Posted by DonnaNix View Post
Hi,

....I'm so scared that I won't be able to stop, and that I'll ruin all the good things I have in life.
....
That's a real possibility.

Maybe leave early for work tomorrow morning. Instead of stopping at the liquor store, go to a meeting. I don't know where you live, but lots of places have early morning meetings.

Try it just for tomorrow morning and see what happens. Go with an open mind. You never know.
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Old 04-03-2017, 12:49 AM
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Welcome DonnaNix and congratulations on joining the largest club no-one wanted to join. I wish I had your self realization in my 20s. I spent 30 years to figure out my problem was going to cause problems. Meanwhile I lost almost every friend, relationship and respect that I had.

Good luck and come back often for advice, support, information, shoot the **** or whatever else reason you feel to post. You can put the plug in the jug and live a happy joyous life that you are seeing in jeopardy right now.
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Old 04-03-2017, 06:19 AM
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Welcome Donna

I think you took a brave step in signing up.
It's a great thing you've realised it's become a problem.

Now it's time to work on that problem.
And you're not alone.

Alcohol is always appealing to me. When my life is bad, and when it's going smoothly.

It's that feeling of getting drunk and everything seems much more fun.

However.. the cons far outweigh the pros.

The words of a user here told me "Remember what you're like at your last drink, not the first"

Anytime i think of drinking i remember that... And suddenly it's the last thing i want to do.

Stay strong. From now you have support.
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Old 04-03-2017, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by DonnaNix View Post
Hi,

At times I feel so much guilt and horror at what I've become and tell myself I need to quit for good, then the next day I'll not care and buy a bottle of vodka.
Hi. Been here before, I think we all have. I got to the point I didn't want to even go to the beer distributor but I went from force of habit. Eventually I said heck with all of that after many years. I added up the cash I was throwing down the toilet which sickened me and told myself whatever comes my way I will deal with sober instead of medicating with alcohol. So far so good at almost 4 months. Although this isn't my first sober rodeo I don't desire to fall back into my own alcoholic mess this time, I just don't feel like dealing with it anymore.
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Old 04-03-2017, 07:06 AM
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Everyone's words have been really helpful. It's good to know I can actually come somewhere and get advice and support from people who understand completely.


I've not had any alcohol today but I'm definitely tempted to have the vodka left in the cuboard. Hopefully I can resist.
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Old 04-03-2017, 07:28 AM
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Donna, You will feel so proud of yourself if you resist. You should either tip that vodka away or give it to someone to look after for you. You don't need it. The craving is temporary only - just fight it. You will feel so much better.
Keep strong XXX
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