puddlejumper70

Gottalife

I can relate to this. I drank because I liked the effect, then when the effect I liked stopped happening because I always overshot the mark, I drank in hope of getting the effect. Then came the guilt and horror. Waking up so sick, swearing off, absoluutely not going to drink today, then later I would find myself drinking and have no recollection of how I got started again. But once I started, the craving was in charge. I couldnt seem to think my way out of it. My mind was not working as a sane a rational mind would, not that I am particularly rational most of the time.

I heard this quote which described my dilemna quite well.

" I do not understand my own behaviour. I set out to do the things I want to do, but end up doing the things I hate. For though the will to do good is in me, the performance is not" Romans, somewhere in the Bible.

DonnaNix

Wow I am PATHETIC. I gave in and drank the vodka. Right now I'm starting to feel tipsy, but later on, once I've sobered up I'll be so angry and disappointed in myself.
I don't understand how I'm THIS weak. Ugh.

Gottalife

That was exactly how it was for me too Donna. If I could just stop on my own power, I would have done it long before things got really bad. We have a couple of things going on. One is the obsession of the mind, the idea that this time will be different. This obsession is what puts a drink in our hands after a dry spell.

Then there is the phenomenon of craving. This takes effect when alcohol is in the system. It usually takes three or four days from the last drink, to be free of alcohol, and therefore the craving. Some times a detox is necessary to get past this.

It is a powerful thing this craving. On several occasions I was given choices, by employers and loved ones. The job or the drink, me or the drink. Because I had started drinking, the craving was so powerful there was no way I was going to chose anything other than the drink. Got fired on the spot, lost the relationship, and though I cared, I couln't do what they asked of me. I lacked the power.

I got to a point where I could admit this, and was willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol, got some help, followed some simple suggestions and never drank again. I just could not do it on my own.

TheLuckyCat

It's okay Donna.

Rule number one. Never have alcohol in the house.
Heck if there was wine in my home I'm sure i would be drinking it now..

That last bit of vodka is gone now.

I would suggest from today onwards, to not have any alcohol in your home.

It's like trying to resist food when you're absolutely starving.

Only thing is you don't need alcohol.

Try not be too hard on yourself.
You did a big thing today by admitting you have a problem, signed up and are seeking help.

What's done is done. Tomorrow's a new day.
Hang in there. x

DonnaNix

That's amazing you finally got through it though. I just don't want it to reach this stage where I'm losing healthy relationships and a steady job over this , because I know it's not worth it. My main goal is to stop before it affects the people around me.

DonnaNix

The problem is I live with my parents, and it was my mothers vodka. So now I'm going to have to replace it before she notices it is gone.
Thankfully, they are not heavy drinkers at all and never have much in.

I'm considering not taking my ID out with me from now on, on a day to day basis, so I simply can't buy alcohol. I look young for my age and get ID'd probably 50% of the time.

puddlejumper70

You're not pathetic, you're ill.. just like everyone else that posts here.

I've climbed out a two story window multiple times to sneak out and walk 2 miles in freezing weather to get alcohol. I've pissed in people's front yards, gotten into fights, lost jobs, lost girlfriends (girlfriends who would of made wonderful wives and moms), you name it.

You are going to have to knuckle down a bit and resist. That said, drinking a 1/5 a day may have created a physical dependence that will probably need to be addressed. You may need Librium to help you with the anxiety/agitation from withdrawals so you can begin an honest critical analysis of yourself as well as address some of the unchallenged assumptions all of us alcoholics have when first deciding it's time to stop.

DonnaNix

I have anxiety anyway so when I don't drink alcohol that is one of the main issues for me. Also, I'm not in work today/tomorrow so I see it as an excuse to be drinking.
I feel so good now that I'm drunk though. I mean, I was perfectly content before I drank the vodka yet craved it, but now it's a much more relaxed kind of content.

puddlejumper70

I know exactly how you feel. I know the warm glow, the sense of calm that comes over you. How those first few drinks assuage all anxiety and worry. This is why alcohol is such a bewitching floozy... so hard to resist.

But as you already know, in a few hours you will be feeling like s**t, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Like a previous member said on this thread earlier... try to think of how you feel at your last drink and not your first.

For me, it was necessary to channel my anxiety into something positive. I googled natural liver cleanses and started juicing daily. I eliminated processed foods and sweets and ate salads and drank purified water to douche all the gunk that had accumulated in my organs. I began to exercise to break a sweat and took epsom salts baths to draw toxins out through my skin.

I cleaned the house, wash and waxed my car, completed small projects that needed to be done... anything to take my mind off the nagging desire to drink. My point is that I had to take the initiative to do whatever it takes to abstain.

Don't dwell on drinking this morning, just keep looking forward.

AlericB

Donna,

You say you're feeling relaxed and content now but because in your opening post you said that you feel a sense of guilt and horror over your drinking, I wonder if this might be a good opportunity for you to reflect on this. Are the following two questions helpful?

Does your current relaxed state really make up for the fear and anxiety that you are beginning to experience?

Are you aware of this anxiety and dread now, alongside your sense of contentment? If you are, does this not mean that your sense of relaxation and content is to that extent illusionary, a harking back to previous drinking experiences where you did not have your current fears.

Clean30

Sure you can resist. You don't see me over at your house drinking your vodka from your cupboard do you? It's easy not too! lol In fact of all the 6 billion people on the planet none of them want that vodka in the cupboard. No reason you can't join them.

Dee74

Hi Donna

I think a good recovery plan is more than just leaving your ID at home?


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

There are some good ideas here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

Zebra1275

Welcome Donna, most of us have gone through what you are going through right now.

Stick around, and read and post frequently.