teatreeoil007

I like and need to remember that just because someone is sober does not mean they are not toxic. Most of the 'toxic' people I interact with are in fact NOT alcoholics or recovering alcoholics. There are a lot of dry drunks out there who stopped drinking/using, but still have MAJOR issues. And, there are a lot of people who've NEVER had a problem with drugs or alcohol who have major issues and to be blunt: They just are not very nice people....OR, they have other bad habits!These are the kinds of people that can drive a person to drink, so to speak, but I gotta learn to deal with that...because unless I become a hermit which is not likely but appeals to me sometimes, I WILL interact with people who are not very nice. Verbal Judo is a book I read many moons ago and found it to be helpful.

If I am aware that someone I know doesn't feel good to be around, but I have to be around them anyway (like family) I try limit my contact with them as much as possible. I don't "owe" them any explanation whatsoever and I needn't go take some sort of guilt trip. They can think what they want to think. I know what is most healthy for me.

teatreeoil007

One other thought and I think Dee may have touched on this already. "Divorce" doesn't just apply to a couple who are married. We can apply divorce to other areas of our lives. Sometimes we have to "divorce" certain things, certain people, certain relationships in order to be our healthiest selves. It begins with an inner divorcing, though, in which YOU decide for yourself what you are willing to have in your life and what you are not willing to put up with.

bluedog97

Thank you teatreeoil. I think you understand. I'm simply dealing with people who, for what ever reason, want something from me and refuse to accept its not mutual. Your post hits the mark.

bluedog97

I think I've drank for so long in response to these people, I've forgotten how. It's funny, when I was drinking, dealing with them or ignoring them was easier.

bluedog97

I got a phone call a bit ago from her. Naturally I didn't answer. But then I got a surprisingly distant, respectful text from them indicating they are backing off. I'm almost in shock. Whew!

I feel like I don't even deserve this turn of events. Or that something really bad is bound to come about. That may just be my pessimistic nature.

Anyway, thank for the feedback. Like I said, being able to vent about this has helped keep me sober the last couple of days. Sometimes just making it through the day is what it's all about, I guess.

Dave42001

Nice job on 30+ days and finding a sponsor early!! Have you discussed this with your sponsor?

Take care of #1 right now! Send your family a letter or an email and say you love them but you're focusing on your recovery and arguing doesn't help anyone...

Keep working your program and attending meetings, you don't need the drama right now! Best wishes to you!!

teatreeoil007

You're welcome bluedog! It's rather all too easy, especially with family to feel "obligated" for whatever, HOWever.... some people have a way of "roping you in"; into to something that you truly do not want to get into...as in the long run it doesn't really BENEFIT you and essentially sucks more out of you...contributing to your OWN lack of being complete....DETRACTING from your OWN health and well being.

I know it sounds like an excuse, but I really do believe that there are people with toxic behaviors with or without alcohol/drug use/abuse who are not CONTRIBUTING to your good health, but in a way taking advantage of the situation and perhaps your good will and kindness. So many of us start out as being co-dependents; part of a "machine" that is malfunctioning...maybe we "coped" very well for a certain period of time, and then turned to alcohol for whatever reason to deal with the "nature of the beast". (I am thinking of certain families and certain professions here).

Unsolicited advice that is not beneficial to you is big boundary issue in my opinion. And, there are some people who are simply domineering; that doesn't set very well with me...

bluedog97

Yea, that's pretty accurate, teatreeoil. Like others have said, there's no question there's something inside me that's allowing this to happen/bother me. It's the same internal strife that kept me drinking. Now that I'm sober, I have nowhere to run but to deal with it.

I just finished my 4th step and am supposed to do my 5th tomorrow. I am weary and right now don't even want to do it. I'm just irritated. Thanks again for the response.

teatreeoil007

Too right. We gotta deal...problems just won't miraculously go away. But, for myself I have found that I do FEEL better mentally and physically in such a way that helps me problem-solve. Dealing with overbearing relatives-well, you'll reach a point in which you feel more up to taking them on when they start to cross your boundaries. Healthy boundaries are so important. I have found that one of my triggers is when my boundaries are being invaded and it causes me to feel the need to 'escape'.

sleepie

Is this person passive aggressive? That's always been hard for me to deal with. but now that I recognize it well, it's easier to handle.

I hope that this is a genuine gesture (the text) bluedog. And that you can have some relief. It can be hard to collect yourself with all that. It makes one edgy.

Outonthetiles

Put the relative out of your life. There's no rule that says you have to allow him or her around. If the relative is affecting your sobriety, get rid of 'em.

Delizadee

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread. It really hit on all my struggles with my family members. I too have a close relative with a good chunk of sobriety under his belt. His attitude along with my parents has been so detrimental to me. I really struggled with trying to be open and honest while dealing with the verbal shaming every.time. we talked. I get it, I'm a ****** person and a huge disappointment.
I feel some relief at knowing I'm not wrong or selfish in putting up boundaries with contact. I feel so much better knowing I'm not going to be judge, jury'd and executed every time I answer my phone to the people who are supposed to love me.
My family are all fixers. And know it alls.
I'm an easy mark because I never stood up for myself until I got sober. This led to more verbal abuse and shaming.
I just want to have a healthy balance in my life. Being sober and hearing over and over again how terrible you are is so disheartening. I work so hard to try and build myself up to get those sober days only to be knocked down and diminished every time I let them in.
So thanks again for this thread. I wanted to know that I wasn't doing it out of selfishness.. I need to protect my sobriety and limit my triggers. End point.

MIRecovery

I just have no place in my life for toxic people. If I can't eliminate them I avoid them, if I can't avoid them don't engage them. If they persist I draw clear boundaries.

bluedog97

I guess I could analyze this to death. I've probably done that. They are toxic and I've got to set boundaries. Or divorce them, which sounds great actually.

A lot of this comes from the past. I had a messed up youth - at least from jr. high thru high school. I'm still haunted by it. They seem to know this and push my buttons.

bluedog97

Yes, passive aggressive. Can't stand it.

I hope so too, but something tells me it's unlikely.

teatreeoil007

I don't have a lot to go on here, but almost sounds as if this/there relative (s) are trying to control you a certain extent. And, trying to control another person really boils down to power or the desire to feel a certain amount of power. It's sick when a person wants to have power over another person, really and often part of family dysfunction. When they realize they cannot control you they don't like that very well and then can resort to being passive-aggressive instead because they realize somewhere along the way they couldn't get to you otherwise. If they know your options are limited, they use that to their advantage as well. Boundaries, m'friend, boundaries. Part of true recovery is finding out where your healthy boundaries really are and/or where they should be. Active addiction clouds everything including boundaries.

bluedog97

Well put, teatreeoil. This is the description I've been looking for. Identifying the problem is half the battle. If you only knew some of the things they've resorted to. And the worst part is they feel perfectly entitled.

Thanks!

teatreeoil007

Hmmm.

"Pushing someone else's buttons", especially when it is on purpose is a passive aggressive thing, I think...If you call them on it they can always resort to: "You shouldn't let it get to you. What's your problem?" This is a game that family members seem to pull a lot and because they are your family and know you so well, they likely know just what buttons to push and how.

I wish you luck in trying to set healthy boundaries. Sometimes what holds us back from doing just that is we are afraid of alienating them from us. So, that can be a calculated risk, and only you can decide how you want to go about it because it's your family that you've got to deal with. It is rather sad when you come to a realization that your very own family can be toxic. But that may the reality and could have an affect on your health, happiness, and sobriety. They need to let you walk your walk in the way you need to and understand that you may not do it the way they have done it, but each individual is different and what has worked for them may not work for you. There are a LOT of folks who can quit drinking , not drink or have never had a problem with alcohol...that certainly doesn't mean they've got it all figured out. Boundary issues ARE tough with family because you love them and they know that and they think you'll "always be there regardless" just because you are family.

bluedog97

Teatree, you're posts really hit close to home. I had to sit and digest it for a while.

An update - this relative called me twice yesterday. I didn't answer. So they called me again today. I'll just say these calls anger me. This time I answered and they started with their nosy questions about my recovery. Finally, I sternly told them I didn't think we should be talking about this. They got mad, but we hung up.

I'm sure they will come back and test this boundary. What angers me the most is that this is an issue. They should not be so concerned about me or need me to boost their self-esteem. It just seems dysfunctional and makes me feel like crap, like I'm being taken advantage of. They are just very needy, but they disguise it with false bravado. I'm realizing this has roots in my family system, that's never been corrected. I think I just assumed, as adults, you outgrow it, and move on into maturity. This whole thing seems very immature to me. I checked out a book on narcissists. They fit the bill.

Anyway, thought I'd share. Feels good, but I also know that it's not over.

Introspectator

Admittedly I didn't read all the thread, just wanted to comment on the question at the end of OP opening statement. I believe that someone/something can definitely "lead" one in the direction of taking that first drink. Relapse happens before the drink touches the lips. We must be ever vigilant. 😊

Introspectator