bluedog97

I've got a family member that lives here in the same town I'm in. To cut to the chase, I have a huge problem with them. They are in recovery and have been for a long time. My frustration? When they give me advice (usually unsolicited), it seems like bad advice. When I say that, I mean it doesn't align with what I either read here on SR or hear/read in AA meetings/literature. I don't understand the root of it. It feels like either she is intentionally giving me bad advice/suggestions, or she's unaware of it and there is something seriously wrong. If I challenge her on it, it results in a huge fight.

I understand I'm partly to blame. I moved back here and have not completely cut off contact (which really may be the only solution). I'm working on evaluating my life and looking at my wrongs. But I can't for the life of me understand why they behave this way (like if I brought this on myself). Even if I did, I can't come up with any justification for her behavior.

I'm not at risk of drinking, but the frustration does often make my mind think of drinking. This is dangerous.

I know no one can make you drink. But do you think people can make you want to drink/affect your recovery? Thanks

sleepie

There are many ways that one can be driven nuts by another person if that's what you're asking. Some people do like to push buttons, too.

A long time ago I spoke with a lawyer when I was dealing with someone who was trying to intimidate me. They said "You can't control what others do but you can control what you do". It's hard not to respond when someone is baiting you or pushing your buttons. But it is usually a good policy to try and follow. It also benefits one at times to do as you mentioned and cut off contact... I know I avoided some people after quitting drinking or reduced the contact to a minimum, full knowing what I was getting into if I chose to interact with them.

bluedog97

Thanks for the response sleepie. I can honestly say completely removing them from my life would make my life remarkably better. This unfortunately is proving to be more difficult than I had bargained for. As soon as I take those steps, other people(including family members) step in to her rescue. I've thought about talking to a lawyer. But I think the solution is ultimately moving away to a different town.

So I did put myself in this mess by moving here, although I didn't foresee this problem coming up. After all, we're all adults. Until I can move, it just causes me a lot of (unnecessary) frustration.

sleepie

That's a tough one when others are coming to her rescue. Can you stay aloof? A move is a pretty big change to make just because one won't be avoided. But I know what it's like when the pressure is on. Are they clingy or something?

Solushun

AA is full of sick people.. Some people who hasn't read the book, work the steps, or have a sponsor. And some of the things said are not out of the big book.. Some things are said that they have heard in a mtg that sounds good without a source in where it came from.. But we have all done this at some point of our lives- pick up things we like, built it into our belief, pass it down.. So if I was in your stance I would have compassion for being human and during so, read the main literature-164 pages.. If you are curious u can polity ask ur family what page it was found to fully understand it. Usually times like this we can get resentful and I am often told by my sponsor to not say anything out of anger that I may later regret. If you figure out u are right, just live by the principal and be the example.

bluedog97

They are clingy yet harmful at the same time. If I'm completely forthcoming, it feels like they are simply out to get me. And yes, others are a factor. It's dysfunctional. I know they they talk to each other behind my back and then lie about it to me. Like, what are they hiding?

I'm only 31 days sober. I have only myself to blame for drinking, no one else poured it down my throat. But this makes early sobriety more difficult.

Moving away is not really a big step, except I can't afford it. There's also a few other logistical issues. I don't have much left. I've really created a mess. But it would just be nice to be able to focus on recovery/sobriety and cleaning up the mess without feeling like someone was sabotaging my efforts.

Solushun

Just re-read ur post again.. Yeah.. I try to stay away from toxic people. You are right, no one makes us drink, we choose to be affected and we choose our reactions. I will avoid certain people or take them on small doses (ie- my father) because I'm not well enough for it.

bluedog97

I guess this is true, Solushun. Maybe my expectations are too high, especially since they have 10+ years sober and talk a big game. They are perpetually unhappy, I'll say.

I'm sure there's probably a solution in the program. I just haven't gotten that far/found it yet.

Solushun

31 days (good job) is still very new!! When I came in I was so raw because I used to cover up all my feelings. And so it was easy for people to get under my skin. I strongly suggest to stay away from them for a good while and just focus on recovery, especially the steps.. Once u finished ur steps ask ur sponsor how to approach them if u feel ready. U might talk to them at step 9.. That's between u and ur sponsor. But def don't go there when ur new and before u grasp fresh perspectives.

bluedog97

Thanks Solushun, that sounds right.

Solushun

Oh yeah.. Some people like to feel like a big shot and know it all and have tons of years. Some sicker than others. It's quality of sobriety not quantity. Most of us have arrogance self righteousness pride etc.. Some of us can grow to a place where being wrong is ok and some stop growing..

Solushun

AA is incredible.. Don't get me wrong.. Just bc there are sick people in AA w years, it doesn't mean AA doesn't work.. It means they probably aren't working the program.

Dee74

No I don't think that.

... but I do believe my inability to deal with such people in a healthy way can lead me to make bad choices like drinking.

See where the onus of responsibility is in my re-writing of what you said?

If someone's toxic, no matter who they are, either get rid of them or learn to take their pontification like water off a ducks back.

I'm not blowing smoke here either - I divorced my entire family for a few years, with only minimal phone contact...

I re-established contact when I knew I was strong enough to believe in myself and what I thought was right.

Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent, bluedog.
Don't give your consent

D

bluedog97

I hear what you're saying, Dee.

The biggest thing is getting this out. I've been carrying this around like a bag of bricks. I can't talk about it with people in town, or AA.

Soberwolf

Seconding what D wrote

This is why boundaries are healthy in any relationship

Berrybean

I suppose they're just trying to help in their own way. Could you bring yourself to just thank them for the advice and say you'll think on it. Think of it like a biscuit. It's nice to be offered, but you haven't got to take it.

Maybe they feel some sense of responsibility to you because you've just arrived and are in early sobriety. I suspect that they'll back off once you've got a sponsor (after choosing someone who DOES have the kind of sobriety that you'd like for yourself, which it doesn't sound like your relative does have.) If they don't back off at least you'd have a new line. " Thanks for advice. I'll chat that one over with my sponsor".

tomsteve

you are allowed to stand up for youself. you dont have to be a doormat for other peoples problems and youre allowed to tell them their advise is not welcome.

also, probably wise to not tell your problems to them.


moving,imo, would be running from the problem.

when i stopped living in the problem and began living in the solution,the problem went away.

aasharon90

"As you continue to travel your own
journeys in life, all I ask is that you
respect our privacy when you come
to town. Much appreciated. "

This is what I wrote on a cell message
to family members who are thinking
about coming my way.

It is I who was intervened on 25 yrs
ago placing me into the hands of those
capable of teaching me about my alcohol
addiction and its affects on me and other
around me.

I completed a 28 instay program as well
as a 6 week aftercare recovery AA program
attached as recommended.

From there I have worked and lived
the AA program incorporating steps
and principles into my everyday life
all to the best of my ability.

Because I was the only family member
called out on this addiction and received
treatment for it, I understand that
family members don't have the knowledge
of what all was taught to me nor have the
recovery tools to help live a healthier,
happier, honest life like I have.

And in realizing this, I had to learn to
accept all folks, family and friends just
the way they are and cant change any
of them to my own liking.

For me to continue living a healthier,
sober life, I, for myself had to cut all
ties, communication with family folks
even if it may seem wrong.

This is my life, my recovery and if I am
to remain successful in my own recovery
life I have to do what I feel is right and
just for it.

I got so sick and tired in the past trying
to explain this and that about my addiction
and my recovery life that it seemed like I
was constantly hitting a thick wall with
family or friends.

Finely I realized and learned that I
don't have to explain a thing to those
who don't understand just to protect
my sobriety which I work so hard over
that yrs. to achieve the rewards of the
promises as stated in the Big Book of AA.

I guess I gave my family yrs of gossip to
talk about for yrs to come about my past
actions before, during and after my drinking
career to last a lifetime that I chose to close
the door to further gossip. I just refuse to
add fuel to fire that continues to burn so
to speak.

My family knows where I am and if
anything should happen either way,
such as an emergency, then a call
should be made.

Of course I am sharing my own
experiences, strengths and hopes
on your topic. This is what works
for me and my own situation.

Do what works best for you and helps
you remain sober as you build your own
strong soild recovery foundation to live
upon for years to come.

bluedog97

I have a sponsor, have for almost a month. I just feel like they should know better. If they don't, something is seriously messed up about that. I suspect they do. I suspect she wants me to drink again. She does this every time I've quit.

To tomsteve, moving is not running from the problem. I don't like this town, first of all. There's nothing here for me. Why fight something that's never going to change? It's like banging your head against the wall.Moving somewhere else is a perfectly logical step.

aasharon90

I had to smile some inside as I read that
you don't like your town and moving
would be good step for ya.

For me, I moved with my 1st husband
to Houston from my hometown of
Baton Rouge to allow our 2 kids more
education options and opportunities
in life which was an absolute plus for
them and my husband.

For me, the only one with an addiction
and living my recovery life, I was soooo
restless, irritable, and discontent living
away from things I grew up with, that
familiarity of what I grew up with and
around.

When we made the decision to move
to Houston all my family was elated for
the news and thought it was a good
move for me at 6 yrs sober.

That was their own thoughts and words
and wishes and I had to accept them
for that but it wasn't what I wanted,
but thru all the tears, prayers, countless
AA meetings, having to leave my recovery
support behind, I used my program
taught to me to help me accept this
move and my faith in my HP - Higher
Power and God of my understanding
for this transition.

During my nearly 10 yrs living in
Houston We came home to visit from
time to time and never did I like the
idea that I had to come to my own
hometown just to visit. It just always
seemed wrong and unfair.

Anyway....fast forward, I did return
here to my hometown of Baton Rouge
on what I called was the golden ticket
on a job interview and getting hired.

Our 25 yr marriage did end peacefully
and we are both remarried.

For me, im 7 yrs married, retired,
continueing on my recovery journey
living more happier, content, peaceful,
honest in all areas of my life and most
of all, Im HOME.

There's no place like home and where
my heart is then there I am.

As far as my own family of orgin, parents,
siblings, they don't live far, but because of
my own recovery life, I had to do whatever
I needed to do to protect what ive worked
and lived so hard for. To cut off communication,
separate myself, divorse myself from them.

As sad as it might seem, when living
in recovery, I learned that I cant please
everyone and all I can do is accept people,
places and things just as they are meant
to be.

I accept them and have placed them all
in the hands of my HP which takes all
the worry, stress, lack of communication
and understanding into His hands.

So far, today Im blessed, sober and forever
grateful for my life in recovery.