Frustrated with family member
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Yea, Introspector, I let that happen. I haven't been working my program in AA after a fallout with my sponsor. And now this relative is driving me nuts. I am treading dangerously. My old alcoholic thinking is trying to convince me to drink. I need to go back to a meeting tomorrow.
Introspectator
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by bluedog97 
Yea, Introspector, I let that happen. I haven't been working my program in AA after a fallout with my sponsor. And now this relative is driving me nuts. I am treading dangerously. My old alcoholic thinking is trying to convince me to drink. I need to go back to a meeting tomorrow.
Introspectator
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Hi bluedog, just wanted to pop by before bedtime to encourage you. I'm also trying to work on the boundaries thing with both my (adult, twin) daughters and my eldest - and now only surviving - sister.
Have recently acquired a new sponsor after a year or more of not having one; he's ancient, both in real life terms (80+!) and sobriety (37 years!). But he's the first one I can talk to about this kinda stuff without insinuating or saying outright - as some in the rooms do - that I'm the problem. Because that's exactly the line my family members take, and it's doing my head in, and has done for years.
This is a big relief to me, and helps me to feel there's hope I can stay sober for good this time around. One thing he's got me doing, literally only today and tomorrow before meeting up with him to discuss: he said 'write out your Sh**^t List, all of it, about who and what you're upset / angry / resentful etc etc'. So essentially, a 4th Step I guess. But I expect - and know, deep down - that some of his response will likely be around 'ok, so why are you letting them into your head like this? And keep letting them stay there?!' I figure that getting my sanity and authenticity and self-love going for the first time in many decades will absolutely require me to face this stuff, and to identify then accept (sheesh! eek!) that this is how they are, and that I can't make 'em different just by wishing they were. Just as they can't push me to be different / the way they want me to be, just because they want it.
Sorry to sound muddled, but I so understand what you're going through. And yeah, let's keep ourselves sober and a bit sane until we can achieve some clarity and cleared ground between us and our family members, eh?
Have recently acquired a new sponsor after a year or more of not having one; he's ancient, both in real life terms (80+!) and sobriety (37 years!). But he's the first one I can talk to about this kinda stuff without insinuating or saying outright - as some in the rooms do - that I'm the problem. Because that's exactly the line my family members take, and it's doing my head in, and has done for years.
This is a big relief to me, and helps me to feel there's hope I can stay sober for good this time around. One thing he's got me doing, literally only today and tomorrow before meeting up with him to discuss: he said 'write out your Sh**^t List, all of it, about who and what you're upset / angry / resentful etc etc'. So essentially, a 4th Step I guess. But I expect - and know, deep down - that some of his response will likely be around 'ok, so why are you letting them into your head like this? And keep letting them stay there?!' I figure that getting my sanity and authenticity and self-love going for the first time in many decades will absolutely require me to face this stuff, and to identify then accept (sheesh! eek!) that this is how they are, and that I can't make 'em different just by wishing they were. Just as they can't push me to be different / the way they want me to be, just because they want it.
Sorry to sound muddled, but I so understand what you're going through. And yeah, let's keep ourselves sober and a bit sane until we can achieve some clarity and cleared ground between us and our family members, eh?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Thx bemyself, I can very much relate. I'm just so filled with anger and frustration at their antics. I've been hearing it's my fault for too long. The sponsors I've had don't want to hear it either. I've got this family wicked dysfunction (they won't even admit I'm alcoholics and don't want me in AA bc, gasp, I'll get better), financial problems, a health scare, a past I can't forget. That is all alcoholism! You think you put down the alcohol and all that goes away? You quit drinking there's still the alcoholism.
Anyway, I need a sponsor like yours, who's willing to admit my family is ****** up. Here locally, no ones willing to do that. I feel like I'm alone in an enemy foreign country. Anyway, I'm done, thanks for letting me vent, and thanks for the post.
Anyway, I need a sponsor like yours, who's willing to admit my family is ****** up. Here locally, no ones willing to do that. I feel like I'm alone in an enemy foreign country. Anyway, I'm done, thanks for letting me vent, and thanks for the post.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi Bluedog
Hmmm...I just wanted to clarify...accepting that I'm the only one I can change is not the same as admitting I'm the problem.
My family are bat poop crazy. ...but thinking I can change that, is crazier still.
I didn't change my family...I just changed how I reacted to their insanity
D
Hmmm...I just wanted to clarify...accepting that I'm the only one I can change is not the same as admitting I'm the problem.
My family are bat poop crazy. ...but thinking I can change that, is crazier still.
I didn't change my family...I just changed how I reacted to their insanity
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Bluedog:
Thx for your post. So, one thing I discovered some time ago is that you can do everything in your power and skill to set healthy boundaries with others, but they STILL do not RESPECT those boundaries. Why? Reasons vary. Some people just don't get it. And we can end up pulling our hair out and grinding our teeth to the jaw bone because of it...or...we can end up just not being able to be around them and that might be the healthiest way we have found to cope with that....
Also, many people do not have a good CONCEPT of what keeping things confidential, private and discreet entails. There is a common saying among families: "Don't tell so and so that unless you want to whole world to know."
You know, sometimes when people blab to others about us and we don't feel harmed by it, we let it pass. No harm-no foul, right? But, sometimes people are just careless in what they say about others and it CAN cause harm...and sometimes, SOMETIMES, they are just down right malicious....
But, I have found that when a person is happy, content, and feels good about their self, there is no NEED within them to take others down in whatever means they can. Some people seem to deliberately try to turn others against you, but in many cases, it is just done in carelessness. I don't know what the case is in your family, but it sounds as if they meddling in areas you'd like to keep private and are trying to sort of force you to SHARE something you don't want to and/or don't really particularly NEED to share in order to work your recovery in a healthy way. It seems like various people have various concepts on what is "required"? fwiw-
Thx for your post. So, one thing I discovered some time ago is that you can do everything in your power and skill to set healthy boundaries with others, but they STILL do not RESPECT those boundaries. Why? Reasons vary. Some people just don't get it. And we can end up pulling our hair out and grinding our teeth to the jaw bone because of it...or...we can end up just not being able to be around them and that might be the healthiest way we have found to cope with that....
Also, many people do not have a good CONCEPT of what keeping things confidential, private and discreet entails. There is a common saying among families: "Don't tell so and so that unless you want to whole world to know."
You know, sometimes when people blab to others about us and we don't feel harmed by it, we let it pass. No harm-no foul, right? But, sometimes people are just careless in what they say about others and it CAN cause harm...and sometimes, SOMETIMES, they are just down right malicious....
But, I have found that when a person is happy, content, and feels good about their self, there is no NEED within them to take others down in whatever means they can. Some people seem to deliberately try to turn others against you, but in many cases, it is just done in carelessness. I don't know what the case is in your family, but it sounds as if they meddling in areas you'd like to keep private and are trying to sort of force you to SHARE something you don't want to and/or don't really particularly NEED to share in order to work your recovery in a healthy way. It seems like various people have various concepts on what is "required"? fwiw-
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Yea, I'm not as worried about the blabbing, although to a certain extent. I'm just someone who needs my space. I'm very private and only confide certain things to someone I really trust, and most importantly who I feel comfortable with.
This relative is absolute trying to extract that info from me along with trying to tell me what to do bc they have more sober time. As though I couldn't get sober without them! I need to find my own way, my own group of people.
This town is just not for me. I despise it. It makes finding the right AA group difficult. Plus I have history here, and even AA people can be judgement all.
Anyway, I know I regurgitate a lot of stuff. Right now it's all I got. I am meeting with a guy Friday.
This relative is absolute trying to extract that info from me along with trying to tell me what to do bc they have more sober time. As though I couldn't get sober without them! I need to find my own way, my own group of people.
This town is just not for me. I despise it. It makes finding the right AA group difficult. Plus I have history here, and even AA people can be judgement all.
Anyway, I know I regurgitate a lot of stuff. Right now it's all I got. I am meeting with a guy Friday.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I understand about needing space. I need a certain amount of solitude to be healthy. I need quiet time; time to meditate, etc. I need down time, etc...
But aside from that, I don't really like it when people basically boss me around for no good reason, especially when I can figure it out for myself and most likely NEED to figure it out for myself on my own timeline. I dunno, maybe they are well meaning and just don't get it, but in other cases they are can be just downright obnoxious. I've always been the kind of person who needs a certain amount of alone time, but right now in my life, I seem to need that even more. And I cannot hardly tolerate simple chit chat which is really harmless, but gets on my nerves. I just don't have time for it, it feels like I'm wasting valuable time/energy I could doing other things to really grow.
But aside from that, I don't really like it when people basically boss me around for no good reason, especially when I can figure it out for myself and most likely NEED to figure it out for myself on my own timeline. I dunno, maybe they are well meaning and just don't get it, but in other cases they are can be just downright obnoxious. I've always been the kind of person who needs a certain amount of alone time, but right now in my life, I seem to need that even more. And I cannot hardly tolerate simple chit chat which is really harmless, but gets on my nerves. I just don't have time for it, it feels like I'm wasting valuable time/energy I could doing other things to really grow.
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